If you were about to marry someone, would you want to know before the wedding about a criminal assault he made on another woman in the past and got away with and hasn't acknowledged responsibility for. Or is it better for someone who knows about his guilt to stay out of it?

I'd want to know. Because information like that says a lot about a person, and because there's no bigger or more important investment than a long-term personal relationship.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/18/2013 09:54AM by sstone.

Yea, exactly.

Were you a witness or the recipient? Are you sure you know what went down?

I was informed of the by the victim and the victim's SO in real time after the assault. I'm close enough to the situation to know that it went down. There was no doubt about the distress it caused. The perp admitted to the facts without acknowledging responsibility, if that makes sense. Responsibility was deflected, blamed on the victim, minimized, like that.

Definately tell. I would be all KINDS of pissed off it someone I knew had that kind of information about my potential DH and didn't tell me.

Did the police ever investigate? In some states, it might not be too late.

Was this a sexual assualt?



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 03/18/2013 01:46PM by rogertheshrubber.

Yes, police investigated. Unfortunately, it is too late. Victim OD'd three months after the attack.

Yes to the second question.

I am sorry.

Do tell so the other person can make an informed decision about where to take the relationship from here.

My next door neighbor ended up in tears on my doorstep one day. She is middle aged and was recently married at the time. She had just found out that her husband is a registered sex offender (he molested his teenage stepdaughter) but had not told her before they got married. Said neighbor only found out because someone in the neighborhood had checked the registered sex offenders list for our neighborhood and found out, then sent out flyers to just about everyone living in the neighborhood.

Had she known beforehand, I doubt she would have married him. This woman had been a dedicated teacher for many years and now can't even have her minor grandchildren over for a visit. She loves children and is wonderful with them.

Would you want to join a cult under false pretenses and totally uninformed about its history and the questionable history of its founder? Would you feel betrayed if you found all of that stuff out afterwards? Do tell. People need to be informed.

I would want to know. I've already been in an abusive relationship, and I certainly don't want to repeat history. Hopefully I would recognize the red flags, though. I'm sure there can be circumstances where it was a one-time deal, but it allows for a more informed decision, and I think I would walk away, especially in the scenario where he acknowledges no responsibility.

The question is whether or not you say something to the individual and whether or not it's your place or appropriate. This one can get sticky. Can you share this aspect of your dilemma? I don't know how well-received this information might be coming from a "bitter ex" or the ranting in-laws.

I just saw your follow-up post. I think it sounds like you might be close enough to the situation that you should say something.

There's a chance she might go ahead and marry him anyway. But at least she'd have the chance to reconsider.

imaworkinonit Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> There's a chance she might go ahead and marry him
> anyway. But at least she'd have the chance to
> reconsider.


I agree. I think the most telling (and a warning sign) is the person refuses to accept responsibility or make amends for the assault.

I know a guy like this. He was "playing around" and broke my friend's wrist when they were together. Over 5 years later, he refuses to accept he did something wrong and has never apologized for it. And yes, he's pretty much an asshole.

+1
The big red flag here is that he acknowledged the facts but blamed and minimized.

This is the very big concern.

if you were about to join a church would you wnt to know about....?

me too!

One of the problems with abusive relationships is that they seldom start out with obvious abuse, and as things develop it is always the victims fault. The abuser repeatedly says so and the victim is usually so emotionally beaten down that (s)he believes it.
Please tell the person. She may still do it, but at least she won't be making the choice without all the information.

One of the problems with abusive relationships is that they seldom start out with obvious abuse, and as things develop it is always the victims fault. The abuser repeatedly says so and the victim is usually so emotionally beaten down that (s)he believes it.
Please tell the person. She may still do it, but at least she won't be making the choice without all the information.