I posted here a few years ago about coming out of the church and getting my name removed. I posted about divorcing my wife, possibly losing my son, etc. I'm sure this type of story is pretty typical of Mormons who leave the church.

So, it came to a point where my ex-wife and I got back together and I rejoined the church. Yeah, yeah, I know. You don't have to tell me...

Anyway, I am finding it more and more difficult to deal with staying in the church, being in the relationship I am with my wife. (It's not a great one, most of the time).

Basically, I need an outlet for venting, and I don't see a lot of places to turn.

this is kind of off topic, but i have an ex who wants me back in his life. so i'm curious about your experience of reuniting with someone who left. how long were you apart? were you still in love when you got back together, or were there other reasons that brought you to that point? how long after you got together did things go bad again?

Curious as to your initial reasons for resigning from the church. Did you rejoin the church for the sole reason of getting back with your ex, or did you actually regain belief? Perhaps trying to fill a void that leaving your faith and family left?

I was the one that left. We were not apart very long. Maybe a couple of months or so. I don't know about being in love. I mean, we never have had a very great relationship, either before or since. I think a lot of it had to do with whether or not I wanted to be able to see my son. It didn't take long before things started going bad.

The initial reasons I left were, I suppose, like many others. I found out things they weren't telling me, and I didn't know what to think or do. I eventually concluded that I needed to leave the church. So I did. Rejoining had very little to do with regaining belief, I would find it hard to believe that anyone, after going through that type of experience, would ever fully regain the type of burning testimony they had before. Certainly, there was a void that needed filled.

It sounds like there are two things in your life that are weighing you down and should be purged but at the risk of losing your relationship with your son.

While logic obviously can't be employed here, it would seem logical that the ideal situation would be to leave the church and wife and maintain a good relationship with your son. I'm sure it's more complicated than that however.

Perhaps Anagrammy could weigh in if she sees this

I hope she does.

Sorting this out is easier if you put aside the priorities you learned in Mormonism.

The most important thing is THIS life, not the hereafter.

You are the one who designs your life, not anyone else, and not god. There is no "plan for you," the truth is that your life is yours to lead and yours to formulate a plan for.

The most important person for you to worry about is YOU, because you are the only person who even partially understands you (and you are still learning).

If you neglect yourself and go off the deep end mentally into depression or whatever, you are worthless to your child. You won't be able to meet his needs or the needs of your unborn child without having good mental health.

Good mental health, then, is your number one priority. Here I often call it "managing your mental state" because it's a lot like driving your car through wreckage on the street. You've made mistakes. There is wreckage, but you can learn skills to navigate around it and have a healthy and happy present.

Good mental state is pretty simple. It starts with you being the person to others that you are inside your head. When you work at being authentic, you develop self respect. When you have self-respect, you eat better, you work out, you take better care of yourself. You get an education because you are WORTH IT!

On the other hand, accepting the label of "apostate" or "loser" erodes your self respect and handicaps your ability to give yourself what you need - spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally.

That's Number One priority. If you no longer believe, to have that personal integrity and self respect, you need to own your real thoughts and opinions. There's nothing to be ashamed of whatsoever. These Mormons are a bunch of crowd following colander-hat-wearers all letting other people lead them around by the nose. And we understand that--we've been there. We can respect that they are victims and haven't found their way out. But don't lose sight of the fact that YOU, my friend, are the NORMIE. THEY are the cult.

When you have made the commitment to be true to yourself, you are ready to ask the person you love (or the mother of your children), whichever, for their respect. This is absolutely required for you to function as parents living under the same roof --and is also necessary for divorced parents. By this, I mean, that you refuse to be treated as "less than" but are willing to be "different than" and have your children learn tolerance by having parents of different faiths.

IMHO, your children do not benefit from having the home held together with one parent (you) treated like slime and the other parent having all the sayso about the way they are raised.

It is totally worth it for your wife to compromise with you BECAUSE that's what a divorce lawyer would give you- every other weekend to do what you want with your children. Church or a picnic, your call.

You are simply asking her to respect the 11th Article of Faith, nothing more. If she says yes, then it's worth working out all the kinks-- and there is plenty of work to keeping a mixed marriage together with a cult member. Just look at what SuzyQ#1 has been through for forty years.

Also, it's so worth it. Clearly there was great love there and the love pushed the intangible-don't-really matter subjects like Kolob,temple work for dead people and handshakes to the side.

I hope you have that kind of love. I kind of doubt it based on your statement, but at least you have some idea of what kind of roadmap leads to a successful mixed marriage.

We are definitely here for you, friend, and someone reading your post will always have specific experiences dealing with the same thing, so post often and keep us informed.

Best

Anagrammy

Thank you for your words, Anagrammy! I'm trying to make the most of a bad time, and I don't know if I'm ready to make that first step. But surely I will keep everyone informed...

So you got back together because of your son?

Essentially.

Welcome back! You are in a very tough spot. What's your plan?

Right now, Summer, I really haven't got one. I'm searching out advice at this point, and trying to feel out what the best plan of action would be.

What do you want to do? What is blocking you from doing that? (in other words, what are your constraints?)

Well, Summer, I guess I what I want, is for the whole thing to just be done and over. There are a lot of things holding me back. Like my son (who also has a poor relationship with me, mostly I believe based on seeing how is mom treats me), and the fact that we have another on the way right now. Family things. It just isn't that easy, I guess, to just up and go. Call it quits. Etc.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/18/2013 07:54PM by thereflectinggod.

I have seen people stick it out with a church for a couple of reasons: family solidarity, unity for the children, and other reasons.

The reason this works, from my limited experience with this situation is that the church beliefs can be excepted on some level as mythology, symbolism, universal truths, or some other way.

It doesn't require that all believers in a family accept the religion in exactly the same way.

I applaud you for making a home for you son and giving it your best effort and willing to work on the relationships.

Maybe some kind of counseling would help.

For myself, leaving the LDS Church after being married in the temple to a believer (many generations), some 35 years later, was a matter of attitude. My attitude. Once I made the religion a non-issue, it got a lot easier. We hit 50 years plus before he passed away, still a total believer, in January. There are a lot of changes in a marriage that long!

Thank you, SusieQ#1, for your comments. There are some things about the church that I can get behind. But overall, I really can't commit. I agree that counseling would be useful. But finding one that isn't going to counsel from an LDS perspective has been the difficult part.

thereflectinggod Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Thank you, SusieQ#1, for your comments. There are
> some things about the church that I can get
> behind. But overall, I really can't commit. I
> agree that counseling would be useful. But finding
> one that isn't going to counsel from an LDS
> perspective has been the difficult part.


This situation requires a lot of patience! :-) Ya, I agree LDS counseling is not going to work to your advantage.

You have to weigh the positives and the negatives and see what is going to work in the long run.

A lot of one on one time may be the thing you need to salvage your relationship with your son.

Some cooperation from your wife would help!

Maybe you can turn this around... I sure hope you can find some way to make it all work. Consistently finding ways to get your wife to feel she is more important and you care more for her than anything else might make some points! :-)

I've lived by an adage I learned as a child: "Love is something you do."

There is no blueprint for a marriage. It's whatever works for your family.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/18/2013 09:06PM by SusieQ#1.

You have another child on the way? Your son is seeing your wife mistreat you, and that damages your relationship with him? This needs to change. We have noticed in our marriage that it's crucial for both parents to not allow the other to be mistreated by the kids. We learned this the hard way.

First, the kids reflect the attitude of the parents towards each other. We had to fix that a bit. Next, the kids need to hear, immediately, that they are out of line when disrespecting their parents. This is especially true with our boys, if they even look at me sideways, sithlord tells them they are not allowed to treat his sweetheart this way.

I highly suggest counseling, but both sides have to be willing to listen and make positive changes. I agree that LDS counseling is ridiculous because having more faith and reading scriptures won't do anything to fix your marriage.

We have been working on that, not letting our son disrespect either parent. I agree that being told to read scriptures and have faith, etc, doesn't fix the problem. We were actually told once that the reason we were having problems was because one of us was sinning...