Hi there,

There is a recent post about derogatory gay slurs that someone used that offended someone else that got me thinking. I wasn't the instigator but I guess you could say I've been guilty of saying "That's so gay!" and "Gay!" as in when something goes wrong or if someone happens and you get frustrated. Of all places, I actually picked it up on my mission because before hand I had a reputation for cursing sh*tbombs and f***bombs, so I needed a way to "purify" my language, I think the term was used.

I know that people can say hurtful and offensive without even suspecting, and that's what I wanted to ask here. I'd rather not become the person that unknowingly causes someone a lot of grief because of something I said. So to better understand, I have a few questions.


Does gay work as a "description" for something, or is that derogatory too? My TBM family always said something either looked or felt "gay" when referencing things that seemed too feminine for men. i.e. My pink polo shirt was "gay" to them and they voiced their opinion very strongly to me.

Is gay something you can ask about openly or something that needs to be subtly approached? For example, if I ask my friend if his brother was gay, not in a "OMG, is he gay?" kind of way, is that just normal conversation like asking someone if they are Mexican or South American?

Are other words like "fruity" you find offensive? So as to avoid them in the future. I admit that I use fruity all the time, but honest to God, I use it because it reminds me of those dumb Trix cereal commercials, and anything I say as "fruity" means that it's cheesy rather than gay.

Lastly, are there words that you like to associate with gay? I don't know how exactly to put this, but i.e. I have a Japanese friend who of course hates being called a Jap, but doesn't mind if we use terms like Asian, Oriental, Japanese (of course) or Bruce Lee (because he's names Bruce). Are there terms (or possibly famous gay names) that are permissible to use that reference gays that gays like or don't mind? Like how we use Bruce Lee for my friend Bruce.



I'm sorry if I come across as daft and dense, but I did grow up in Utah surrounded by the morg my whole life, and that's had some dramatic effects on what I perceive as normal and not I can imagine.

If I offend anyone in the post unknowingly, I apologize in advance as well. Mods and other gays out there, feel free to clean it up. I am just curious though and would like to be informed for the future so I don't offend anyone.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2013 08:37PM by notsurewhattothink.

"That's so gay" is like:

"He jewed me out of $10"

"He welshed on a bet"

"I got Gypped on the deal"

"He was an Indian giver"



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2013 08:45PM by MJ.

Rather than "That's so gay"

"that's just not right"
"that is wrong on so many levels"
"FUBAR"
"SNAFU"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/05/2013 09:32PM by MJ.

Saying "straight ahead" leaves me absolutely livid.

It's gayly onward.

Got it?

Referring to something as "gay" as a synonym for something weird or bad reinforces the stereotype that homosexuality is weird or bad.

It's not.

I called a co-worker out on this, and he never said it again.

I ask that you do the same and to help spread the word.

--just a gay man's opinion.

Yes, the term "That's so gay" is offensive. Just think about it. Is it ever used to describe something good? "Oh my god, I just won the lottery! That's so gay!" It's a negative reaction to something, plus it has nothing to do with the attraction between two people of the same gender.

As far as asking if someone is gay, it depends on the situation. Do you have some sort of valid reason for needing that information? If it's just because you're curious, then no, don't ask. That would be along the same lines of asking if someone is pregnant or just fat. Or asking adoptive parents who the "real" parents are.

On the other hand, if you repeatedly hear two people of the same gender referred together it would probably be appropriate to ask if they're partners or just good friends.

If you're using that word to describe anything negative, undesirable, or in any way unusual, it's offensive.

I had someone tell me that it is ok to express yourself how ever you want but that if it is at the expense of someone else then it is wrong. Words I have used to decide if something is offensive to someone else. If the words you are going to use are about someone or something you are not than most likely you will make someone mad. You wouldn't use the N word why cause you know that it is wrong and people would say something(hopefully) some day I hope it will be the same for the all people. We use peoples heritage as a reason to bash them and we often wonder why. After thinking about it most often it seems that it is to make ourselves feel better. They use those terms durning times of war because it is easier to kill people if you see them as less human than you are. Just think about the name that have been used in the last number of conflicts. Why because killing is hard when you think they are just like you. So the kind of things that are used to bash the gay community are used most often because people are scared of what they don't know and what is different than they are. Most often we don't see the harm in it until the object of what is being said is about us then we get it. There are lots of words that you can use to express yourself that are not at someone elses cost it may take to stop think before you speak but I bet if you think about it you can figure it out. You already know if you have to ask it is ok to use this word that it most likely isn't.

Some good links and there is lots of other good stuff on that site:

http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/04/even-better-flowchart-when-its-okay-to-say-gay/

http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/06/how-to-respond-to-non-inclusive-language-or-bigoted-speec/