My parents love their mission, love cleaning toilets, love cleaning the kitchen, the whole church in fact. They love spending time with people, as long as it's not their un-believing children.

I have finally stopped putting my energy and effort into a one way relationship after an email between my mom and I:

"Mom, I see on your google+ blog/journal that dad was sick for 10 days. How is he doing."

"Son, now we know you love us because you read about our mission and ask about our health. Dad is fine."

Thinking to myself - so, love is only shown by how much I email, or ask about your health, or call, or show interest... hmmmm.... not once have you ever asked about the well being of myself or my family, in fact you never call or email or show any interest at all, ever. My answer, "Glad dad is doing good."

I have had the chance to talk with a few of my siblings about our childhood, growing up BIC, and our lives and interaction with our parents now. I came to the understanding a few years ago, and accept the fact, that our parents are not interested in our lives outside the church.

My sister, who is 2 years younger than me, came to the same understanding and acceptance about the same time as me. She was treated much worse through the years than me, in times of need, my parents only help and advice was, "if you were in the church, you wouldn't have this problem." For example, she asked if they could babysit her newborn so she could return to work and avoid the cost of daycare (mom and dad retired and do nothing all day). They said they would be willing to watch her for a week in the summer, but not now. However, they told her how much fun it was babysitting a church member's child ever day for a few months so that mother could get a job.

My brother came to the realization that my parents have no interest in his life, when they promised to come to his house for thanksgiving, then left for their mission, knowing they would be gone. The last few times he talked to them, he said it was like talking to a mindless person, they showed no emotion at all. Not even when their little granddaughter was trying to talk to them via Skype. Just stared empty at her, never smiling or saying how cute.

My parents can not understand our lives now, outside their church, that we can be so happy, fulfilling, and successful. They can not stand to talk with us, as we don't have problems, and they can't preach and say, "if only you were in church." They can not comprehend how a son of perdition makes more money than the rest of the family combined. They have to rationalize that it is satan trying to lure more people away and "what a shame it is they are not in church, they would be doing so much better." Better than what?

It is tough, realizing that your parents don't care about you or your family. In the end, you realize that is their problem, not yours. They are going to be the ones to realize, years later, that they missed so much and will have no one to blame but themselves when there is no one there for them when they return.

Mission Update: They love their mission in Baltimore. Think the blue lights indicating you need to get off the streets are amazing. Love the food. Love cleaning the church toilets, kitchen, and everything else. Can't understand why people are so nasty when they track them down. Have a lack of empathy when they are told, "yes, I know him, that was my son, he was killed two years ago." Don't know how to relate to other people, "he looked just like Tom Cruise. Just the wrong color." And yeah, this one little gem, "We went to ???? buffet for dinner with mission president and the rest of the senior missionaries. The mission president saw me with a small lemon pie and asked me to tell him how it tasted. After I ate it, I returned and reported like a good missionary that it was good."

Oh yeah, "the work is speeding up, moving fast, you never know who will want to hear the message, so share."

Your parents are perfect examples of what happens when a cult has drained away the parents time, talents, money and emotions in their children. Instead, they promised ALL these things to the church. The church is their child and will probably get their estate when they die. It is what they have invested in all their lives. It is all they have lived for; it is what they will die for.

It is easy to be compassionate towards them as they get older and look to the church to "love" them as they become old and needy. I will never forget the story of the Stake PResident living in an apartment in Heber. He had the idea that the church would provide for him in his old age just because he had sacrificed everything for them. He was snowbound and starving with no one to visit him, no children/grandchildren to cheer him up as his life waned.

He was bitter and sited all the jobs, the tithing, the missions, the service. Where are his children? They are tending to the needs of the families in their wards; they are in church leadership too. They don't have time for their parents because they have multiple callings.

It's the Cat's Cradle, isn't it?

Your parents didn't bond with you because they weren't dedicated to meeting your needs and investing themselves in your success. To them, all you have to do to succeed is to obey the commandments, laws and ordinances of the gospel. You are already failures no matter what else you do, can't you see, because "no success compensates for failure in the home."

Your parents are running away from their failure in the home by substituting continued service in the church.

Sorry. Let it end with you--that's all you can do. Kinda like a horror story close up, isn't it?

Anagrammy

Anagrammy - well put as my parents time and energy has always been the church, first and foremost.

Absolutely! My TBM mom and dad still refer me to my local bishop (even though they knew I'm exmo) when I'm in need of help. This happens even when my parents are perfectly capable of helping me themselves. They tell me that my local ward is looking for service opportunities and that it will help those members be blessed to help me. I got so desperate one I actually called. The bishop was less than helpful once he realized I wasn't interested in the church. Oh we'll. long story short: I realized I needed to take care of myself (not a bad thing) but I was really upset for a while because I felt like "real" family would look out for each other.

Myself and my siblings (who no longer attend) do not call upon any mormon church for help and my parents stopped suggesting. I guess they figured we were damned as it is, so we shouldn't be wasting church resources any longer...

It must be different in other parts of the world.

The son of a friend of ours served his mission in a Russian-speaking place, once part of the old Soviet Union. I forget exactly where. However, in his mission, they really DID take care of the members who were in need, and the missionaries were expected to help.

In the winter, they took food and firewood to elderly or disabled ward members who lived out in the sticks. I remember my friend's son telling us how he had to give insulin injections to one elderly, illiterate diabetic man. The young mish was taught by a nurse at a local clinic how to take a blood sugar reading, and then how to calculate the insulin dosage. The young man said that initially, this was terrifying. He was afraid he would do something wrong and the guy would die, but it didn't happen. Eventually, it became routine for both of them, and he became very fond of the old guy. He was very careful to train the mish who would replace him, to be sure that the new mish would to it properly.

If the missionaries had to go "into town," they were often treated rudely by the locals, who had no use for them, but out in the sticks, they were very genuinely welcomed and appreciated. This young man said he received a very touching Christmas gift from one of the families they helped out - some home-made cookies wrapped up in a prettily embroidered handkerchief. The local ward provided food for these people, and yet, the recipients shared some of their own very meager rations with the young men who helped them.

I hope that place still cares for its own and hasn't adopted the official indifference.

Send your parents one last e-mail. "Thanks for nothing. Good-bye forever. Have a nice rest of your life."

Then change your e-mail address and phone number(s).

We get too soon old and too late smart.

I can soooooo relate to this.

My dad used to call us every Sunday night for a weekly visit. The very first thing he would ask is, "How was church today?". I'm not kidding. It was the first thing out of his mouth and it was all that he really cared about. So when we left the church 5 years ago, those calls came less and less.

And my parents and inlaws are very connected with their ward members. My mil and fil are now in the nursery and show so much more interest in the nursery kids than their own grandchildren. My bil and sil couldn't come to Thanksgiving dinner until late in the day because their ward was having a flag football game that morning. Family reunions have to be scheduled around Pioneer Treks, Scout camps, etc.

The sad thing is that they mormons expect that the love will be returned by church members and when it's not, they are devastated. My parents are surprised and disappointed as they moved about 20 miles from where they had lived for 30 years and none of their old 'ward friends' show up at my younger siblings' wedding receptions, etc. Those 'friends' simply have disappeared.

Sadly when our parents get older, they will realize that 'the church' is not willing to take care of them, change their diapers, pay their bills, run them to numerous doctors' appts. We, the heathen forgotten children will be expected to step in and take care of them.

That is the saddest part of all this. Your church-centered parents will eventually realize that the church doesn't even know them let alone care about them.

When I worked in estate planning as a paralegal in the Salt Lake area, you would not believe the stories I heard. The most prevalent and heartbreaking one was people who thought the church would remember their donations when they were in need. The bishopric had turned over two or three times and nobody remembers or cares that they donated a valuable piece of downtown real estate to the church. This seems to shock them. Now they are old and need a ramp so that they can get into their house with their wheel chair. The church tells them to go to their family for help.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT-- you're old, so just turn and go to the children that we took you from and ask them for help. Yes, the ones we taught you to shun. Those. And also the ones who couldn't see any of their siblings marry -- ask them because you know Families are Forever.....


Anagrammy

Your absolutely right. The sad part, is it happens late in life, and they will only be bitter. Not towards TSCC, but towards their family - their children and grandchildren who are no longer around to help them as they have moved on in life. They won't be upset at TSCC, because they will continue on in their blind faith, and say, "yes, you are correct, we should not be a burden on our church, we should only give. We will contact our children and burden them. If they don't help, then it is because of their hardened hearts."

... now there is a person who KNOWS how to 'donate' to the church ... Romney says: "here's MY money ... you boys in Salt Lake keep it for a while , but understand it is STILL MINE. Once I've got all the tax benefits of 'donating' it to you I'll be back to pick it up to further MY work."

Religion is supposed to be there to serve the people, not people there to serve the religion.

Not sure if I've ever seen that as one definiton of a cult, but it makes sense, and certainly a major aspect of a huge corporation in relation to its employees.

These stories describe my parents to the letter.

They are now in their mid and late 80's.

They've alienated all of their children.

They signed over their house to my youngest brother to try and get him to take care of them. He's a con and a thief, so i'm pretty sure the whole thing's going to be a disaster. My parents live in the basement of their own house. Brother and his new(30 years younger) wife live upstairs with their new baby. Ah love at home.

I don't talk to any of them, but have heard rumblings that not all is well. I feel no need to fix it.

My mother asked me to pay her for babysitting services when I asked her if she would watch my 2 year old while I was in the hospital having my second baby. I didn't have too many options at the time, so I paid her. That was the last time a child of mine was at their house. My mother doesn't even know my daughters name. She doesn't care. She's had 30 years to learn it.

One of my best days was the day I cut them out of my life. It was a huge relief. I was even TBM at the time.

This is heartbreaking. Your parents are like the ultimate brainwashed cult members. It has probably gotten worse since they are on a mission. The mission probably sucks and they have to just completely shut down to pretend that it is awesome. Their email to you is just strange. I can see if they felt some isolation from you and felt bad about it that they would be glad you were concerned about their health. But they mention your dad's health second. First of all they are glad that you read about their mission.

Yes, my parents have alienated almost all their children, except for the two still going to church. Of course, they have time to talk to them all the time! A couple times a week.

The church is and always will be first and foremost in thier lives. It comes before health and wellness for sure.

It is heartbreaking the moment you realize your parents have no concern or love for you. But, you have to come to terms with their choices and move on in life and be happy.

I won't send a "last email" or anything else. I'm just not putting any more effort into the one way relationship. If they want to be involved in my life, to know what is going on, how my family and I are doing, they will ask. Until that time, they can do what is important to them.

When that day comes, I'll be busy. "Sorry, busy with life, now is not a good time for you to visit."

sounds like my relationship with my TBM family. I called my dad last week and oops, he forgot to mention that my brother bought a new house and moved to a different state.

That is just like my parents too. You call and tell them something important in life and they will not repeat it. Why?

"We don't like to gossip." is what my mother tells us.

I told her one time, "if we tell you good news, it is okay to tell others, to share in the excitement and joy. If it is personal and we ask you not to share, then you don't."

"It's easier to just not gossip at all...."

So, sharing joyous occassions is gossiping.....

I know I'm a few days late but this made me laugh. My TBM family does this kind of stuff all the time where they won't tell me what's going on and when I find out it's because they didn't want to gossip...blah, blah, blah. Except when a family member goes off the reservation and then they've got to warn everyone! I swear there has been a "handle with care" edict put out about me for years now. So much for not gossipping.

Hopefully your husband will see the lighter side of life and stop pushing TSCC on your children and just enjoy life with them.

I wish you the best on the bishop chitchat.

My parents are as doting and loving to my children and my heathen brother's child as they are to the TBM ones. They show up whenever I need them, just cause I'm their child. I'm so sorry for all the families fractured by this stupid "church." Shame on anyone who can't accept their own child.

I had so many regrets when I came here--but mostly my marriage.

My parents were far from perfect, but they were never like this. Another way I've healed is to read stories like this and realize how lucky I really am.

In my parents' last years, it was actually their one TBM child (another one is TBM, but he is mentally disabled)--Anyway, it was their one TBM child who never visited, who was always causing drama in their lives. I think she saw them twice in the last year of their lives. (She lived 2-1/2 hours away.)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2013 02:53PM by cl2.

I'm hoping it is before my parent's last years that they reach out to me. It would be nice to know they reached out to me out of a desire to spend time with my family and I. If they wait until the end, it will just be too late.

are doing this. I am so sorry.

It's heartbreaking to hear your parents love the church more than you and your siblings. To think they are worried about knowing if you still love them is ironic given their actions/non actions toward you.

If you decide to write them off, which is something I would do in your situation, you may consider sending them a last email calling them out on their lack of meaningful interaction with you and be completely honest about how you feel about that. Tell them they cannot expect to continue any kind of relationship with you from now on based on how they treat you. Sounds like they have the kind of family they want with the strangers they encounter at church, so you are superfluous.

Hopefully they will consider what they may do to turn this around because if I were a parent, it would totally suck living out my remaining days alone and abandoned by the church I invested in instead of with the family I should have invested in. I can't fathom how fake and vacuous relationships can make up for family ties. They have so totally squandered their precious gift.

I could send one last email to tell them how I feel, but it wouldn't make any difference. The discussion would end with the blame on me, because I was the one who chose to leave the one true church and live my life outside the church.

They will ask the same question as before, "what do you want from us?"

Me - "To take an interest in my life and the life of my family."

"What do you want us to do?" they asked in response.

Me - "Whatever you feel is right."

And...... nothing changed. That is why I am no longer putting forth effort into the a one way relationship. I have a wonderful wife and children and other family members - and that is more than enough.

What is most important is that you have assessed the situation and how you feel about it. This realization will assist you in making more objective decisions in how you react towards your parents in the future. Your parents are devoted to their church-god more than to their offspring. That is their choice, sad, but the key thing is that you have realized that fact and that frees you. You and your family no longer need to expect certain feelings and behaviors from them. You are not obligated to help them in the future when they ask you for your family's time, attention and resources because the church that drained your parent's time, attention and resources should be there for them.

I came to a similar conclusion with my dad - he simply does not care. If he did, he would ask how things were, etc. I used to do all of the work in the relationship - phone calls, visits, etc. I got tired of doing everything, so I stopped to see if he would pick up the slack. Nope, nothing, except I got the blame. Weird how they come to think kids are supposed to cater to them and they don't have to treat us with basic respect.

Outcast Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
"Weird how they come to think kids are supposed to cater to them and they don't have to treat us with basic respect."

Isn't that how TSCC treats their members?

It is now funny to me, that they shove the blame on to us, the children, for the poor relationship - all because we are no longer in TSCC. It is up to them now.

My husband is so like your dad. He has a good relationship with the kids, but won't stop trying to get them back to church and they are NOT interested.
Anything for the church, though. I am lost in the shuffle.
Oh, Well....
I did ask to be released from callings-but the Bishop wants to see me on Wed. hmmmm?????
No matter, I will not do any callings.