Hello. I just discovered this board last night and thought I would post my story for some feedback. Hopefully I don't bore anyone to sleep. My story starts about a year ago. I wasn't religious at all, but at that time I was in a pretty dark place. I was drinking alot and was very depressed. Anyway, I met a woman that I definitely had feelings for. She was of course, a mormon. We started to see each other and she introduced me to the religion, which I previously knew very little about. I read the first part of the b.o.m. and met with the missionaries and definitely had a shift of mind and attitude, and truly a change of heart. I started to believe that there might be a god, and that god might be reachable through the LDS church. I quit drinking (I am still sober, never relapsed) and my life started to turn around. I felt stronger, more confident, and more at peace. I ended up getting married to this woman about 3 months later. I then went on to gain priesthood in the church, take on a calling and become from all appearances a strong LDS church member. After several months in the church I began to question some of the more common issues...Joseph Smith's first vision, the mention of synagogues and horses in the BOM...1500 years early ? The notion that our native american ancestors were Jewish etc. All things that are obviously not true and have pretty much been proven by credible sources as untrue. That led me to begin to wonder what else was true and wasn't true. I came to the conclusion that the liklihood of the BOM being a true account of ancient people to be fairly slim, but I was able to reconcile that with the fact that Jesus did teach in parables, and I thought that maybe this book was just another parable. I also remembered how much my life had / has improved as a member of the church whether the book is true or not...and I still think there's something to be said for that. anything that can improve your life is a good thing, I don't care what it is. My wife is a life long member and her "testimony" is iron clad and she can't be swayed. I wouldn't even try...I wouldn't want to break down her belief system. As time has gone on though I'm having that much more of a problem following this book and following this church. The straw that broke the camel's back so to speak was about 2 months ago. I had been considering quitting my job (which wasn't a very good job anyway) in order to do the same job for myself and work from home. In doing this, I gave up a guaranteed paycheck, no matter how shitty the job was, for the unknown and the possibility of failure. Of course as my wife and I talked about this her suggestion was always to pray about it and follow that guidance. I did, and I felt like I got a strong response to quit and start working for myself. 2 months later, the project has been an utter failure, and I'm scrambling to find a new job. I pray now, and have been for the last month for comfort, strength, help, anything...and I don't hear any answers and I feel like I'm just sitting in a room talking to myself. Regardless of my belief in the BOM I have believed that there is a god and someone was listening to me. Now I don't see it anymore. I'm now not only struggling with my belief in the church, but in christianity as a whole. I don't know what to do. I can't stay married to my wife without being a member of the church. I don't think she loves me that much. I now think that she loves me as a priesthood holder, and not really me, if that makes sense. I have a 12 y/o daughter from another marriage that lives with her mom and has become attached to this step family. Thankfully I and my wife have already decided that we won't be having children so that's good. I'm sure someone else has been in a position like this. If so, what did you do? I have to leave this church now that I for sure don't believe the church, and am really struggling to believe in god at all...don't I?

Congratulations on turning your life around regarding alcohol, but you're in a tough spot regarding the church. Yes, it's based on lies. And praying does feel like you're talking to yourself for a reason.

I don't have any good advice for you except to discuss your feelings with your wife. Because in the end, you're not likely to fake it for a lifetime. You might as well let the chips fall where they may. But if you take it slow, you have a better chance of saving your marriage.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/23/2013 11:45AM by Devoted Exmo.

You can also check out New Order Mormons and Stay LDS, if you decide to go that route. Obviously people stay in the church to keep families together even if they don't believe all of the precepts.

Life is easier if you don't have to pretend, but that is not always the preferred option.

I'm lucky I don't have that problem, but there are people here that live with active members and have experience on how to make that work.

Best of luck to you.

If you love your wife you don't have to leave the church just because you've figured out it's a fraud. In fact, now all the pressure's off.

You can make church participation a practice in stalking, carlos castaneda style...

You should read SuzieQ#1's posts on this very topic.

Add: I stand corrected, see below.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 04/23/2013 08:16PM by crom.

Unfortunately SusieQ approach assumes that the beleiving spouse is willing to respect you back and move forward with your apostasy not being a big deal which is the exception, not the norm.

I need to address this comment. There is a great misunderstanding of how I worked through this.

Never, ever assume anything. That was my first error in judgement.

It took years for my husband to gradually accept that I could change my mind and he could be OK with it. It probably helped that he knew I was a new convert when we married, plus other factors.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/23/2013 05:55PM by Susan I/S.

The point was your case and spouse were exceptional. How you got there is irrelevent to this particular thread.

The OP should expect the norm, not the exception is bc's point. Hope for the exception sure, but prepare for what is most likely to occur given his spouse may be more in love with Peter Priesthood than her actual husband.

iflewover Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> exceptional

wait, are you saying it's not normal for a TBM to look the other way while their exmormon spouse puts quotes from the endowment ceremony on the front door?

Ok, "laughing out loud" for real here!

;o)

grubbygert nli Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> iflewover Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > exceptional
>
> wait, are you saying it's not normal for a TBM to
> look the other way while their exmormon spouse
> puts quotes from the endowment ceremony on the
> front door?


You all are making judgments without all the facts. I contend that my experience is more likely the norm as we don't hear about them on RFM. They don't have a need to post here. Just a wild and crazy guess.

In best Jack Black voice: "Nailed it!"

You have a choice to make.
I'd suggest you give your wife time to adjust to you changing your mind. Do it in small steps.

If she does not want to be married to you because of your lack of a testimony, then it might be best to cut your losses and let the marriage go and make it on your own.

You've come to some conclusions that are going to be earth shattering to your wife, most likely.

BTW: I don't assume anything. That's a recipe for disaster!

You deal with the person where they are.

I happened to be able to take enough time to move slowly with my husband who was a believer to his death in January of this year after 50 years of marriage. He was the kind of Mormon that understood how to live the 11th Article of Faith and was honorable about it.

Your case is much different than mine. You are dealing with a young marriage, with no children from the marriage.
That may work to your advantage. Hard to tell right now.

Welcome to the board. Congrats on your turning your life around and figuring out the "truth" about the lds church.

I am a convert as well and I can tell you from experience that the mindset of a BIC is very different. My two cents, be careful in how you present your new findings to your wife. She may feel let down. And be prepared for some love-bombing followed by shunning, that is the mormon way. Mormons don't like it when people question the beliefs or doctrine, especially from a "new" convert. No matter how much of a golden new member you are, BICs (and that will include your wife's family) do not think of us converts as equals, so be prepared.

Good luck and keep reading this board, I've learned so much here about mormonism, way more than I ever did at church, and so will you.

D

I would be honest with your wife. Let the chips fall where they may.

Don't worry about what you believe or don't believe. It is okay to not know, although it takes some time to become fully comfortable with ambiguity.

Congratulations on your sobriety!