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Posted by: wendell ( )
Date: October 04, 2010 09:29PM

My 15 year old son has really been struggling with my sexuality. I knew it would be tough on him, but we have been working through it. Having frank and open discussions with him has been exceptionally helpful as I struggle to simply make it work for us. Well, this morning I sent him one of our daily texts, just to check on him, but he didn't respond. He ALWAYS responds within a few minutes, and just recently started telling me that he loves me again. When he didn't answer, I knew something had to be wrong, so I stopped by tonight to see him. We started talking, but it was immediately clear that our relationship was strained. In fact, it is now worse than it was during the first few days after I first told him. I'll bet you can all guess what caused the change - BKP spoke in conference.

Well, Mr. Packer, has personally destroyed every ounce of progress I had made with my son. In fact, it is worse now than ever. He is embarrassed and angry that I have chosen this path. He told me that God loves me and would never make me gay. I know I can't convince him to feel differently, so I won't even try, but I did tell him I love him and that I hope he can understand one day. Criticizing the church won't help either, so I feel very helpless. Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do from here on out, but I am really struggling tonight, and I simply don't know where else to turn. Even if nobody has any advice for me, writing this seems to have helped me feel a little bit better. Thank you all for caring.

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Posted by: Primus ( )
Date: October 04, 2010 09:35PM

Including some from BYU Professors as of late who are now coming out as well and saying it's NOT a choice. I bet Pecker believes he is an expert on ANYTHING just because of his GUT feeling, without even taking the time to STUDY the issue. The guy is spouting off from the mouth and should STFU

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Posted by: Diane ( )
Date: October 04, 2010 09:36PM

My heart is breaking for you. And for your son. I am so sorry that that church is damaging your relationship. It makes me so angry. I am off to hug my gay son.

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Posted by: shannon ( )
Date: October 04, 2010 09:37PM

Shame on Boyd K. Packer. Shame, shame on him.

I'm so very sorry, wendell.

Perhaps with time your son's heart will soften once again. He can't just stop loving you because of one talk in General Conference. The words are fresh in his mind and he needs time to process them. Hopefully the strength of your relationship will overide the sting of Packer's prejudice.


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Posted by: Sorcha ( )
Date: October 04, 2010 09:37PM

Oh Wendell, my heart goes out to you. Sounds to me like you said the right things to your son: "I love you and I hope one day you'll understand." That is, IMO, the best you can do and hope time will bring your son wisdom. Meanwhile, please take care of YOU.

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Posted by: Nealster ( )
Date: October 04, 2010 10:45PM

If you can talk to your son, explain that you would never, ever do anything to hurt him. That you would never lie to him. Anf if you can, show him the outrage that Packer's comments on Sunday have caused around the world.

I feel for you, but I think this matter will blow over, given time.

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Posted by: OnceMore ( )
Date: October 04, 2010 10:50PM

Wendell, this account breaks my heart.

Would it be okay with you if I copied your text and posted it on another site where we have been discussing Packer's speech?

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Posted by: wendell ( )
Date: October 05, 2010 09:59PM

Please do. I want this story shared with any and all.

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Posted by: Helen ( )
Date: October 05, 2010 01:41AM

I am so sorry this pain is yours.

Just keep being his dad and loving him and being available for him. He just needs some time but perhaps in the not too distant future you can sit with him and talk about the things Packer said and help him gain a perception/understanding of what Packer doesn't know. Packer doesn't know that being heterosexual is no more a choice than being homosexual is a choice.

Maybe have your son connect with a COLAGE chapter [Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere] if there is one in your area. They also have online communities.


Find a COLAGE Chapter near you:

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Posted by: CA girl ( )
Date: October 05, 2010 01:54AM

It makes me furious that horrible, arrogant old geezers like this can cause such havoc in the lives of others and not even feel a pinch of conscience about doing so. It's unreal. How dare they?

Hang in there - hopefully time and love will heal this. Fingers crossed for you.

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Posted by: Titanic Survivor ( )
Date: October 05, 2010 01:56AM

and he is temporarily swayed by them. I'll bet his love for his dad will prevail and you two will be talking about it over a couple of beers someday. Of course right now it is painful. I'm sorry this is happening. Give him a few weeks to get over the conference dog and pony show and probably your dialog can resume. Consider him as someone who has just heard a slick and professional sales pitch for a time share in Cancun and got carried away.

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Posted by: WiserWomanNow ( )
Date: October 05, 2010 10:47AM

As Titanic Survivor says, “He has a naïve respect for religious authority and he is temporarily swayed by them.” You have done everything you can to try to create a positive relationship with your son, Wendell. He just isn't ready.

You have many friends on RfM. While I would guess that most of us were never anti-gay, all of us at one time or another naïvely trusted religious authority over our own perceptions. It took painful experiences and/or discovery of lies and deceptions for us to wake up! Your son probably will have to learn the hard way, just as we did.

There are fathers out there who could care less about their children. Sad for you that your son cannot yet appreciate what a wonderful father he has! Nevertheless, from everything you have shared over the months about your relationship with him, I am optimistic that the day eventually will come.


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Posted by: DNA ( )
Date: October 05, 2010 11:04AM

If BKP said that God wouldn't make babies with no limbs, would it be true?

If he said that God wouldn't make babies with both male and female sex organs, would it be true?

If he said that God wouldn't ever make conjoined twins, would it be true?

BKP simply said something that is equally not true. If someone says something hateful and untrue, then claims that God would never do such a thing, how come God's powers are limited to the speakers own bias? God is too nice to have made Gays, but can be a total bastard to other babies?

If having sex and making babies is so vital to God's plan that he would not do anything to mess it up like make Gays, why are some people born sterile? He'll screw with one groups ability to procreate, but is way too nice to do it to the others?

BKP is being completely illogical and trying to make a God who has BKP's own bias, even if it doesn't make a bit of sense.

I wish someone other than yourself could sit down and really chat with your child about how it all doesn't make any sense.

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Posted by: Puli ( )
Date: October 05, 2010 11:20AM

I wish I could do something to make this better for you. I am just chilled to hear your story. Damn! This stupid cult and their entrenched bigotry!

I send you cyber-hugs. It's not much, but I don't know what else to offer.

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Posted by: Good Luck ( )
Date: October 05, 2010 11:27AM

This man been kill family for a very long time I found a letter write to him over 10 year's ago at were a father talks about sending his son away to save him from the LDS people.

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Posted by: Heresy ( )
Date: October 05, 2010 11:32AM

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Posted by: wendell ( )
Date: October 05, 2010 10:13PM

I wanted to respond earlier, but I have been struggling mightily coming to accept all this. However, today at work, a couple of my co-workers were talking about how brave BKP was to stand up for truth and right, and how the attacks on him are absolutely unfair. They did not know I was gay, but they do now - I told them and they spent the rest of the day trying to apologize to me. It hurt me deeply because I know that my son is having a very difficult time with this and these other folks have no clue how badly BKP's talk has hurt people. This is not about me either...I am a big boy and can deal with a lot, but a naive 15 year old, who is dedicated to doing what he has been told is right, shouldn't have to be caught up in the contrasting beliefs.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all for caring and to let you know that somehow I am going to find a way to make this better for my son and myself. Thank you all!

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Posted by: tomclark ( )
Date: October 05, 2010 10:26PM

Don't give up. Your son will find you. He loves you. You're his dad and he will find that place in his heart that's yours.

Our kids get confused from time to time but everything else in the world takes a backseat to the fact that we're their dads. All they need to know is that we love them and everything else will eventually fall away.

Allow your son to struggle and to figure out what's really in his heart. This is a momentary inconvenience but it's not the final writ. My daughter is now 29 and for every moment of her life she has always known that I love her. I delivered her, I delivered her babies. I have always trusted that my love is enough. And it is.

Let him struggle because somewhere in those struggles he will figure out how he really feels about you. All kids really want to know is that they're loved. So love him. You're his dad. And oh what a lucky kid he is!


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Posted by: cl2 ( )
Date: October 05, 2010 11:00PM

I am also sorry, Wendell. I'm not sure what my TBM daughter thinks of the talk. She hasn't said, but I KNOW she won't treat her father any differently. My son has a complete understanding of his dad. They are very close.

There was a time that his kids weren't close to him, but more of his own doing. He was too busy coming out of the closet. His kids have always loved him, but were devastated by his abandonment. It has been 15 years since he left.

Healing happens. It will happen for you. It is horrible that the LDS church forces children to believe (parents, children, etc.) that they have to choose between the church and their loved one. I believe you will win out.

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Posted by: Rebeckah ( )
Date: October 05, 2010 11:03PM

This is so hard to read about. I'm sure your son will come around again but it's just so sad!!

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Posted by: michael ( )
Date: October 06, 2010 08:39AM

I'll give you a call so you can vent, if you'd like. You going to be OK?

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