I am an emotional wreck the past few days.

My ex was approved to be sealed (remember, I wrote the letter a month or more ago, telling my side of things) in a little less than three weeks.

I was speaking to my brother about a different upcoming family event, and he mentioned in passing that Ex had sent an email to all of my siblings and my father, requesting their attendance at his sealing to new bride.

And some of them are making the 600+ mile trek to do so.

I am all too familiar with this feeling. As they did the SAME THING when he married her over three years ago. They went to his wedding. And then wanted to know if they could come over for a bbq at my house afterwards. I was so desperate for their love and approval, I said yes initially, and ended up canceling the day of the wedding/bbq because I just could not get over that the bbq felt like a token, to make THEM feel better for just attending my ex's wedding.

So, here we are, and I'm all worked up again, in utter disbelief that they can do this again. It has been a rocky road since my divorce, and my own family members have shunned me to the nth degree. (Let me say that not all of them have, there seems to be a great divide, almost down the blood vs step siblings line, but not completely).

I have been straight up with my father, standing up to him a few years ago, when he told me he would be welcoming my ex and his wife, my kids, and hers, into his home for a vacation. I was livid, and could not understand how/why he would do it. I think he secretly hates me? Since then, I refuse to take my family there to his home, and it has been at least three years since we have.


I have worked on these relationships, have been open to repairing them, and have gone out of my way to be honest with how I feel that their behavior has damaged things, but willing to move forward. I mean, seriously, I have put forth great effort.

And nothing has been reciprocated except venom from my sisters on FB, high fiving my ex's wife when she posts passive/aggressive crap on her FB wall, referring most recently to how my "lies" were preventing her from getting something she so desperately wanted (ie: temple sealing). We have mutual friends......IRL & on FB, and she has managed to suck some of them in as well.

I can't take this bull shi* anymore. I have called a therapist to help me sort this stuff out. It sure is hard to muddle through what is/isn't normal behavior from my family.
How long can my family continue to punish a 40 year old woman? Come on. Enough is enough.

This is pain. :(

I'm sorry that you are in pain. I'm sure that it must be very difficult for you.

I would let them have their relationship with the ex without rancor. Remember that it's not just about their relationship with the ex, but also with their grandchildren and nieces and nephews.

I would have gone along with the barbecue. At least that shows that they want to see you. I think that it would be in your best interest to take your ex out of the equation of your family relationships. He's going to do his thing, you do your thing. Look at it this way, he's his wife's problem now. Let her do the worrying.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/08/2013 06:17PM by summer.

While I agree to some extent that the grandkids are a big part of this, it really seems like there is some "punishment" for leaving the TSCC and they may be raining down the love on your ex because he's TBM.

I most certainly wouldn't have gone along with the BBQ. If they want to see you, why wait until your ex-husband's remarriage to another woman? Also, its inapprpriate that your parents attended at all. Families stand together. I get maybe siblings going, but parents? shameful. They're welcome to come see you when its actually about seeing you and not assuaging their own guilt.

I agree with saintdorothy. They rarely see you or only see you when your ex remarries??? Now that is evil. I would keep in mind that you can not heal with toxic people in your lives. You need some space between you and all of them.

Is there shared custody of the kids or do you have primary custody? Do not feel obligat-ed to be anywhere the new wife is EVER. That is not normal for most people. Why would you want to see your dad fawn all over her? Seriously Mormons are sick people. Mormons put church above biological family members all the time. So evil.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/08/2013 10:33PM by honestone.

I would suggest filtering your sisters on FB and avoiding your exs' wife's FB

It gives them the upper hand in family relationships. As I have found for myself, all you can really do is live a good life, and let everything play out on its own.

All I have left are my four children and the grand-children, for which I am thankful. I have been alienated from all of his extended family, and my family of origin, as well, all because of gossip, back biting, and lies. But I've almost gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore. They have shown their true selves, in the process. Someone on another board said that, 'It's better to be alone than in bad company.'

You goal needs to be to develop inner strength to not allow their actions to hurt you emotionally. It's very hard, but can be done, one day at a time.

It seems unreasonable to me to that you expect to control the relationships of others to other people. Or maybe control's not the right word. You should have no expectation that because you dislike someone that your friends and family should also dislike someone. And sever relationships because you think they should.

Remember, your family has a relatioship with your ex that didn't go bad. They still have that relationship, and apparently it's a good one (for their standards of good).

You have to move beyond this in some way. Not that you have to hang out with people you don't like, or that do things you don't like. But you have to be willing to let people live their lives and have their friends without letting it wreck you this way.

WOW, WOW! That is some kind of BIG TIME MORmON style stab in the back.

Does your family hate you? but they still speak to you ? or do they really really like him? the deal still seems like a backstab anyway.

I say that as some one who is hated by a few of my family. I also get along VERY VERY well with my ex in laws, and my ex has NOTHING to do with her own family as she totally HATES them.

"We have mutual friends......IRL & on FB, and she has managed to suck some of them in as well."

I'd say these people were likely pre sucked by the MORmON church.

MORmONS are terrible to others that stop being faithFOOL.

Being your own best friend is your best defense against MORmONS like that.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/08/2013 06:37PM by lucky.

I get it. I have tried to stay out of their business when it comes to having a relationship with my ex. And it is peaceful for the kids when ex and grandpa can visit and not have hard feelings. All of that is logical. So is the "control" issue, it isn't up to me who has a relationship with whom.

But it doesn't hurt any less when this kind of thing happens. Hell, my dad didn't call me on my birthday. But he travels for the ex's wedding?

I'm off FB for a while, I can't take the drama. I had blocked all of them, a long time ago. But unfortunately I manage a local non-profit page that the new wife has "liked", and made the mistake of clicking through. :( It's totally my fault.

Let me just say that all of this behavior smacks of self-righteousness. They don't have much of a daily/monthly relationship with ex. It is rare (so say a couple of brothers) that they ever have contact with ex. So this just feels "off".

Anyway, thanks for the feedback, as usual, I appreciate the broad perspective.

way off, because it is off! And weird, as you say down thread, and wrong.

I have massive problems with my mom defending and being excessively nice to and wanting to interact with my ex-husband. It's infrequent, and nothing as egregious as you've described, and my ex is an OK person and I've managed to get along well enough in the 23 years since I divorced him, but really: Fuck him and the limp dick he rode in on.

My ex isn't involved with the church at all, so my mom doesn't have that excuse. He didn't have custody, either, and there's no reason for her to do the things she's done over the years other than to bug me. I don't even want to talk specifics because it really, really bugs me.

Not that I think the church is an excuse for your family. If my mom did anything like you've described, she'd be persona non grata in the biggest possible way.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2013 09:19AM by munchybotaz.

I agree, your hinky meter should be going off. It IS weird.

Not that we were married, but my mom keeps in touch with my first boyfriend. We were engaged. When I broke it off, he swore he would "ruin my life", and my mom knows this and still feels fondly for him.

It was one of the first overt signs she finally started giving me that she's not on my side at all. Who would support someone out to ruin their daughter? Not someone who held much fondness for the daughter... We've been broken up for 15 years and she still talks to him regularly.

The thing that strikes me odd about this situation you are in is that you are telling your family how you feel and how their actions are hurtful to you and yet they still do it. You have every right to feel sick about this situation. They are putting your ex before you. Why? because he is in their club and they value their association and membership in this club more than their own daughter and family. And there is nothing that you can do to change that.

It's awful that you have to bare the burden of this injustice when you are the one who has done nothing wrong. I'm sorry for you! And that your family will not stick up for you or come to your defense. Hope things get better! You have every right to be angry and hurt by this. The easy answer would be to just cut them out of your life-easier said then done though. Hang in there!!

You have absolutely no control at all over what they do. Absolutely none. My opinion is to live and let live, while creating new friendships and interests with supportive and loyal people outside of your family. Let them all have each other and choose minimal participation. Put a smile on your face, and shoulders back. You are free, free, freeee! Not to care about Mormonism. They are stuck with it, she is stuck with him. Sealing means nothing. Nothing magical happens. Be as disinterested as possible.
Don't I make it sound easy? I know it isn't. It helps me deal with my daughter's baptism coming up. I have no control. But I can be there smiling and open to her for her whole life. And she knows how I feel so maybe one day she will email in her resignation.
The happier you are the more contagious you will be to be around.
When your mind starts to dwell on it again (and it will likely in 5 minutes) remind yourself you have no control. The only control you have is to be happy or sad.
You are only 40! You can recreate your whole life to not revolve around Mormonism anymore.



Edited 6 time(s). Last edit at 07/08/2013 07:35PM by snuckafoodberry.

I don't agree with those who say you just have to let them have their relationships. This is really a kick in the gut--if you ask me.

I haven't always had the perfect relationships with my siblings in any way--BUT even if I liked their spouses and I even felt my sister was wrong in how she left her husband, they are my family and I remain loyal to my family.

I think what they are doing is horrible. I would distance myself from them.

There is just no accounting for what a "good" Mormon will do. They don't seem to have a good handle on what is appropriate behaviour.

My sentiments, too.

Don't let the Bast***ds get you down!

You can only change yourself. (Words my therapist tells me nearly every time.)

Suppose you had a bank account and one day you decided to change banks. So you closed out the first account (after discovering that they had deducted lots of fees leaving you with less than you put in.)

Would you keep going back to the ATM to try and get money from the ATM? No--the account is closed.

You have every right to feel bad about the way your family treats you, but--you aren't going to get anything from them. I know this from my own personal experience with TBM family. And as long as they think they have any power over you at all they will keep trying to exert it.

Ms. Vulturetamer,

Have you considered your former friends and family to have a sort-of "religious addiction"?

Please check out this thread from another post-mo site:

http://www.postmormon.org/exp_e/index.php/discussions/viewthread/37315/#577701

It's worth thinking about.

That is seriously f'ed up.

Having your parents side with your X is just so hurtful. Anger isn't helpful, but in this case it sure is justified.

I think seeing a therapist is a really good idea. When you have children with someone you're stuck with that person for life and your parents being so cosy with him isn't going to help the situation. You need all the coping skills you can find. Good Luck!

My love to you vulturetamer!!!!

I know who it hurts. I felt like I hurt all over the day my ex remarried. Amd you have had to go thorugh it twice!! As for our family WhAAAAAAAT??????

I found to sit with the pain for a while and let myself experience it helped. Then I made a decision to get up and get moving and away from it all. Each of us does it our own way. Grief is a difficult thing to endure, but it DOES end in time, especially with healthy attitudes towards it. The fact that you reached out to all of us and asked for help is a wonderful thing. I am PROUD of you!!!!

Please take extra good care of yourself. I am with you in my thoughts!

I'm so sorry, and it's not your fault. Promise.

That would be very hurtful, Vulturetamer. While you can't change your parents, you still have every right to be hurt. Doesn't sound like they will change. A good therapist, as you suggested, might help you deal with adjusting to that reality.

I'm so sorry. My family, with the exception of one, did the same thing. I felt so betrayed. My one sibling who totally got it tried to help my parents and other siblings understand that in divorce, you have to essentially take sides. You don't stay buddies and have a close personal relationship with the ex. Period. My relationship with my family will never be the same because of it. I get that there are kids involved here, and that was not the case for me, but to go to the wedding and the sealing??? Inexcusable and unforgivable.

This! Not only that, but it's a little weird that his new wife is ok with her husband's ex wife's patents attending everything. Never been through the temple, but to my understanding its very limited space, right? You can only invite a few people and she wanted some if them to be YOUR parents?? Bizarre.

Very sorry VT. Family...isn't it about extortion?

Oh you guys, thank you. It has taken me a few days to digest your responses. I really do appreciate the opinions. I have to take into account my own issues (control......yes......I own that issue, no doubt).

But for all intents and purposes, this shi* is weird.

My father has said he refuses to "pick" between me and ex, and that he will not be told he cannot continue a relationship with ex. (I never asked him to do that, I just asked him why he was hell bent on having them all at his home!)

So, here's the deal, that someone pointed out.......the new wife. So thank you for reaffirming that it is bat shi* crazy to want to have your husband's ex wife's siblings and father & stepmom at your wedding & sealing. I've been convinced this entire time that I'm the one who must be weird because I thought it was kind of nuts. And even if it was, probably felt like I deserved to be punished, and this was the punishment.

So I think this might be what this is all about for the new wife. Punishing me, twisting the knife, that she "wins" my family. And she (and ex) obviously know that is my kryptonite......if they can win family members and eventually also my kids, then its allll worth it, right?

Ugh.

So punishment, shunning, self-righteousness, and possibly the addiction (thank you for that link......I read every post and found it all fascinating!) to feeling like they are better than me. Also, was it there that linked to the "drama triangle"? I read that as well, and have gained some insight.

I swear I've learned more here about life, than in 35 years in church!

Thank goodness for this place. Thanks again!

P.S. therapy appointment tomorrow......I'm so ready to get down to business.

*And family gathering this weekend, where my father and crappy siblings will be attending a baptism for my nephew........so, I'm going to be polite, but not warm. I'm hoping to be able to keep things peaceful for the event, since it is for my brother and his boy......not about the others who might want to cause drama.

You can bet I will report on any shenanigans, but I'm hoping not to have to.

Obviously they pick the Church over you....

I would write these people off completely and be done with them. I'd unfriend them on FB and stop maintaining contact. They may technically be related to you, but they don't have any loyalty to you, so good riddance to bad rubbish.

After my sister split with her ex he wanted to friend me on FB. No f'n way!!! I don't have any animosity or anything towards him, but it felt like disloyalty to my sister.

Your family is lame!!! It's a creepy boundary issue which is so typically Mormon. For them loyalty to the cult is more important than family members.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2013 01:25PM by mrtranquility.

My husband's dad and stepmother did the same thing... After the divorce from his TBM ex, they let her organize a Christmas gathering that she then tried to force me to attend. I refused to go and it turned out I was the smart one for not going. I've written about that incident lots of times here because I was just as outraged as you are.

My in-laws, by the way, are not Mormon. They just wanted to see their grandkids, so they went along with the ex's demands. She rewarded them by cutting them out of the kids' lives anyway. Younger stepdaughter recently reconnected with my father in law since she is now in college, but she wants nothing to do with my husband. My father in law was sure to tell my husband all about it. We got to hear about her reconnection on Christmas Day 2012, a week after we lost our beloved beagle mix who was much more of a "son" to us than my husband's kids have ever been. It was very upsetting and hurtful. My husband ended up writing his dad a letter telling him that his estranged adult kids was not a topic he wanted to discuss anymore.

I understand that feeling of betrayal when your family chooses your ex over you. While I don't think anyone has the right to tell another adult what friends he or she should keep, it does seem inappropriate that your family would attend your ex's wedding and sealing knowing that it upsets you. I'm sorry you have to deal with it. I think Mormonism is all about not having boundaries and outrageous requests.