Today is my 15 yr wedding anniversary and I feel so bummed. I suppose it's for a variety of reasons: 1) I researched what is a traditional gift for 15 yrs and it's a watch. Got him a beautiful watch...2) I got $100 in cash...ok, it's not about the 'stuff' I understand that. 3) He took off today and tomorrow and never mentioned it to me until last night at 11pm...wow, we could have spent the day together but he fails to mention it to me until very late the night before? 4) Wakes with a w**dy and doesn't want to use it because he's afraid the kid will walk in? 5) Tells me the mechanic is coming over and because he saved him so much money he's taking him for lunch...wtf? I feel like crying but I think I have *pms* to boot.

Thanks for listening.

position and I'm the female. I am sometimes disappointed these days--but I learned long ago to not expect much of anything. A lady I worked with years ago had a plaque on the wall that said, 'Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they will not be disappointed.'

Go do something nice for yourself. It is what I do on my birthday. I have an ex I'm friends with, 2 kids, and a boyfriend, and I still go do something for myself as I learned not to expect anything. Then when they do something, I'm pleasantly surprised.

I'm the one who would have turned down sex. Right now I live with my ex, my boyfriend, and my son and my boyfriend just can't understand why I'm never in the mood. Well, I WONDER WHY! He NEEDS to get a place (selling his house closes in 5 days--so hopefully soon)--but given the living circumstances, you'd think he'd have a clue.

I also happen to be the one who always goes ALL OUT for their birthdays and holidays. In fact, my ex would come home every year for his birthday even if we are on bad terms. One year he was sadly disappointed that I hadn't gotten him anything. I was flat broke. I even bought his boyfriend Christmas gifts. I'm kind of stupid that way.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2013 12:24PM by cl2.

Thanks for the wisdom cl2. I hear you. And I know better than to 'expect' anything because really it's not about the presents, I just magically wished he would do something different than the same thing every year...which is nothing. If we go to a hotel room, it's because I've planned it. I'm guilty of over planning everything and giving it all to everyone and *secretly* hoping it's different. I know better....:(...and yes he compensates in other ways. I should be grateful that I have a good husband and a wonderful father for my daughter.

I hear you. For you and me, it's not about the money. It's about the 'effort' -- thought or time put into it. Even when I have told my spouse "I would love it if you would spend a little time in a bookstore to pick out a book you think I'd love, or a CD of music you think I would enjoy, or just burn a compilation of songs for me", he flat-out refused and indicated it was too much trouble. I found that insulting, but I am realizing that these things just don't mean the same thing to him. I'm sorry -- I know it hurts and feels very lonely. :-(

You nailed it Cowgirl!

Cash as a "gift"? Um, no. Just no. Ew.

If it were me, I'd make my expectations very clear. Tell him exactly what you consider an appropriate effort for the event. It doesn't matter if these things aren't important to him. They are important to you, and especially for such a milestone event IN YOUR MARRIAGE, he should care about that.

I'd get the watch back, return it and buy myself a great pair of ear rings and a bottle of bubbly. And I'd take my hairdresser out for lunch... or perhaps the mail man.

Don't get mad; get even. ;-)

That's the answer. Return the watch. Buy yourself something you've always wanted.

If you don't want to do that, maybe you could take the money along with your $100 and start investing it. Every time you're tempted to go buy nice gifts for someone who isn't appreciative, take the money and add it to your investment pool.

In the next 15 years you'll have yourself a nice little nest egg.

Sithlord and I talked about this years ago. I had grandiose expectations of being treated like a princess on my birthday and Mother's Day. He told me it took the fun out of it for him, and put pressure on him and I shouldn't expect anything at all. I decided not to expect anything, but did it in a pouty way for a while. Over the years, I matured, and really didn't expect anything, so I was very happy with whatever he did.

That all being said, it seems that there might be some little red flags about the state of your relationship. Why not just have an honest conversation about it and communicate how you are feeling. I used to expect sithlord to be psychic and to know he'd done something to hurt me, but that's a piss poor way to fix problems in a marriage. Honest, caring conversation does a lot to repair things.

+1

My wife and I don't have any expectations for the holidays, anniversaries, B-days, Valentines, etc. For the many of same reasons....it makes it an obligation, it puts pressure on to do it, and to give the right thing, it sets up a situation that is bound to fail on occasion, if not frequently.

People with "expectations" shouldn't feel bad someone doesn't meet them. If you have an "agreement" with someone, that's different.

Is the partner a kind and loving person, are they a good mother/father, good provider/caretaker, do you love each other?

If enough kindness, love, companionship, romance, etc. are given on regular days of the year, and the above questions are "yes"......quit whinning about not having an expectation met one day of the year.

But then, there may be other issues in the relationship that prevent this from occurring.

I'm sorry, but I don't buy into the whole "we're happier when we don't have expectations/don't have to to anything nice for each other." For me, these days DO mean something. Sometimes there aren't opportunities in everyday life to show someone just how much your care about and appreciate them. So there are a FEW days a year that are set aside as "special". By saying that you have no expectations on these days, I find its usually moreso for the person who doesn't WANT to put in the effort to show their spouse or S/O in a meaningful way.

I go above and beyond on those days because I know the monotony of everyday life just doesn't spell "I love and appreciate you" for my spouse. It doesn't for me either. I'm not saying its all about the gifts -- its definitely not -- but things as simple as a photograph, a nice letter, setting aside time JUST for each other and no distractions. You can't possibly do that everyday, hence the "special" days. If you're not even going to do it on the special days, THAT's when I think something could be wrong in the relationship, not the other way around.

birthdays, etc., but I cannot expect someone else to do the same. If I do, I'm going to be let down again and again. In fact, I found that those who do EXPECT something are always disappointed no matter what the other person did. Expectations more often that not are not met by what the other person does.

One thing I have done--is I TELL people specifically what I want. When I first got married and then got in this current relationship, I just expected them to read my mind. I never do that anymore. I do communicate what I want, but I also do not expect them to get everything I tell them I want. I'm actually often surprised by what they do now, but I do not set myself up for disappointment.

Now mother's day--to me is a made-up holiday. My kids are not perfect, but they show me daily how much they love me. I don't need a special day for them to PROVE to me how much they love me.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2013 02:39PM by cl2.

I don't expect anything of my son for Mother's Day (well, he's only 17 months old anyway...) but something from my husband is a different story. I guess that makes me terrible, but YES, I expect that he will make SOME attempt on that day to make me feel appreciated as the mother of his child.

The thing is, I was once the wife who did everything without expectation, but there is a realization at some point (for me, it was after about 4 years of REALLY putting my heart into doing things for him without expectation) that you are doing very much for very little in return. So for me, its a nice platitude, but in practice, if you REALLY don't get anything in return, that's a BIG red flag.

So when people are telling the OP -- who has a SERIOUS right to be upset -- that she just shouldn't expect anything, it just doesn't ring true for me.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2013 02:55PM by saintdorothymantooth.

You can buy into whatever you want, whatever works for you. I didn't state any corresponding level of happiness with our approach. We actually do things for each other on "special" days too....because we want to, not because its expected.....but, if someone forgets, it never becomes an issue because it was never an expectation.....that is the part that works for us.

As for Mothers Day I stand firm....a wife is not the husbands mother. A husband helps the children celebrate THIER mother on that day...when they are old enough to get what it is (around 2-3 years old), and to set the pattern for them in the future.

The husband celebrates HIS mother, not his wife. I'm sure their will be many moms that disagree.....but then again, its all about the expectations, isn't it?

the two of YOU to do something special.
He may just be clueless.

I totally understand this! For Mother's Day, he literally got me nothing. He said "I tried to come up with something that was good enough, but I just couldn't." Nice sentiment, except that you then decided NOTHING was a meaningful way to show me that you appreciate me as a mom to our child? We had a good long talk about it and I felt much better.

....until my birthday came around and he got me a gift card.

I can't talk to him about it now. I don't want to hurt his feelings because my expectations were higher than his effort. I'll chat about it with him another time when I'm not so mad about it.

You don't want to hurt his feelings because he'd rather take his mechanic out for lunch on his wedding anniversary than doing something with his wife?

That's not your expectations being higher (your expectations are reasonable), that's his effort being in serious douche-baggery territory.

Your anger is legitimate.

OP, I'm so sorry you feel unappreciated and invisible for your anniversary.

One of the most important things my husband of the past 22 years and I have learned to do in our marriage is this:

Understand/find out/accept what is important to your partner in making *them* feel appreciated and loved - what is meaningful to them (not you). It will in all likelihood be different from what makes *you* feel most appreciated and celebrated.

Then do that for them as best you can, as often as you can, without expectations. For shared occasions like an anniversary, the partner who doesn't want to "do" much should work on compromising since it isn't just their own birthday or Father's Day, but an event commemorating them as a couple.

For example: If possible, I like to be fussed over and given a gift for my birthday - doesn't have to be expensive but personal to my tastes. Love it. Always have since I was a kid, since growing up in a big family having one day that was "My Day" was awesome. My mom would bake a cake and cook a special meal, and I got to pick what movie we all watched that night.

My husband really does not see the big deal about celebrating his birthday, for reasons that are specific to his childhood.

For years I kept trying to spoil him on his birthday, and always felt really hurt that he didn't seem to appreciate all that I was trying to do to make his birthday enjoyable. I was doing for him what I wanted done for me, instead of honoring the different person that he is.

I finally realized what I was doing, and now we might try a different restaurant for his birthday; it may not be a special occasion place, just different. I know not to advertise to the staff it's his birthday, and if we have a dessert there are no candles. We may also spend a little time together doing something fun but everyday - like going to the beach to walk the dog - but other than giving him a card and maybe a good roll in the hay he doesn't want or appreciate more for his birthday.

However, he gives me a wrapped gift on my birthday. Sometimes it's a little on the pricey side, but often not. What's more important to me (as he's learned) is feeling I'm being given something personal to who I am. It means the world just to know he pays attention to what I like, and my appreciation for that kind of love is shown enthusiastically. I like some fuss to be made over me by picking a special-occasion restaurant (not just one we haven't been to before) and asking them to bring dessert out with a candle in it.

It has deepened our respect for and appreciation of each other to give in this way, and the dividends it has paid have been considerable when we are going through stressful times.

Knowing you are truly seen, heard, and worth making the effort for from your partner, especially when you know it's not their cup of tea, is the real gift. And let me tell you, it continues to take a lot of self-restraint for me to let DH have his low-key, far-too-casual birthdays ;-) It still feels "wrong" to me. But because I love him, and it's his birthday, that's the way I show it: give him what he enjoys receiving, whenever I can.

frogdogs Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Knowing you are truly seen, heard, and worth
> making the effort for from your partner,
> especially when you know it's not their cup of
> tea, is the real gift.

This is exactly the point I was trying to make -- thank you for saying it so eloquently!

Wow, that sounds just like my husband! It took me awhile to figure out that all the things I was doing to make him happy (because they would've made ME happy) were just annoying him. The more we let each other just be who we are, the happier we both are!

Yes, early in our marriage we spent a good deal of time - at least 5 or 6 years - ticking each other off because we kept treating each other the way we individually wanted to be treated.

Bit of a paradox in there somewhere, methinks ;-)

One of the things we women don't get is that WE'RE the ones with the intuition, not the guys. We keep expecting them to be mind-readers and then we get mad when they aren't.

My DH is a great guy and I respect and admire him on many levels. Mind reading is not one of his talents (and frankly I'm not so good at it either).

I've found I get the best results when I tell him it would be nice if he wanted to do XYZ for the upcoming special occasion. He may have a good reason why that won't work, and then we negotiate something mutually acceptable. But most of the time he's happy to get an explicit request. I tease him and tell him that if I want a certain gift, I should give him a written description, including the SKU code, what store carries it, and what part of the store it's in. Ha.

The main thing is to both be on the same page well in advance of the special event.

Several things in your post sound like your husband is going a little out of his way to make you feel unloved on your anniversary. There may be more to talk about than how to handle special occasions. I would feel hurt also.

I should have added in my first post in this thread that the way DH and I came to our new understanding was when I began directly communicating with him:

"So, you *really* don't want a present for your own birthday? You won't be angry at me for just giving you a card?"

"Honey, I know you're not big on birthdays but growing up for me it was a big deal. It would mean so much for me just to know you were thinking of me..."

The conversations resulting from those questions established a new dynamic. I recently discovered how much DH craves a good back massage, sex or no sex ;-) Sometimes I'll grab the bottle of massage oil, and say "You seem tired. Let me give you a backrub". Most of the time, he's eager to accept my offer. Sometimes he's not up for it but knows he can decline without hurting my feelings.

I agree that the OP's spouse seems more than a little clueless about "what to do" for one's anniversary. The ingredient I think is most dangerous to relationships is open contempt for the others' feelings, as well as apathy. Taking one's car mechanic to lunch on your wedding anniversary - rather than your own wife - seems dangerously close to at least one of those.

I hope that a qualified, recommended couples therapist might be able to offer some guidance if that is the case.

Have you tried vocalizing your desires? You can't expect hubby to read your mind. Try telling him you'd like to spend time together doing something, and be specific.

If he still balks, then you know there's a problem.

You all have made great points. I know he can't read my mind and I know my lack of not speaking up is telling him that I don't care if we do nothing at all. I can't talk to him about this today but will definitely address the issue in the next week or so. Having PMS isn't helpful either because my emotions are wacky. I have stated in the past that if I don't exert the effort for us to do things as a couple nothing gets done. I suppose I could come up with an every other year plan. He plans this year, I plan next, that way we both know what's happening. I've really married my father, somewhat, he never would go out of his way to give my mom a Xmas, birthday present and we as kids would make him go get something. .... marriage after 15 yrs is sometimes still difficult.

I would suggest reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Here's a blurb from Amazon:
Unhappiness in marriage often has a simple root cause: we speak different love languages, believes Dr. Gary Chapman. While working as a marriage counselor for more than 30 years, he identified five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. In a friendly, often humorous style, he unpacks each one. Some husbands or wives may crave focused attention; another needs regular praise. Gifts are highly important to one spouse, while another sees fixing a leaky faucet, ironing a shirt, or cooking a meal as filling their "love tank." Some partners might find physical touch makes them feel valued: holding hands, giving back rubs, and sexual contact. Chapman illustrates each love language with real-life examples from his counseling practice.

The title of the book sounds kind of cheesy, but there is some really good advice in it. I found that my husband's way of showing love is to give gifts. He's a great gift giver. My way of showing love is Acts of Service. So I have to remember when I get frustrated at him for not fixing things around the house it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. Maybe your husband doesn't show his love through gifts but does through one of the other areas.

I'm a guy, an engineer, so you know, just logic, not an artist. Married 30 years in August.

If the old man acts like that it is because he doesn't care. Doesn't value and treasure you. It takes practically no effort to show you care, and he wouldn't do it.

Don't feel guilty. Your expectations are reasonable. You deserve something special.

Only you can decide what to do from this point on.

I've added the book to the "I want to read this after this Master's is over list...." :) It's at the top. Thanks!

We teach people how to treat us. You're smart to let some anger and time pass, then you need to have a chat and let your husband know what you would like from him and listen to what he thinks he can give.

If you expect nothing, you will eventually get nothing and that will not make you a hero, it will make you a woman who doesn't need anything from the man in her life. A man who isn't needed is a man who has one foot out of the door.

Different things work for different people. I managed a hosiery store that sold dancewear and work out clothes as well as some lingerie.

One Christmas I had two super funny customers. The first was a man who wanted to purchase everything that the manequin was wearing. When I asked what size, he said he wanted exactly what the manequin had on. I told him the manequin was a size 4 and asked if that would fit his wife? He replied it didn't matter, she would be bringing it back anyway, but he'd make points by making her think he thought she was that size.

The other customer was a man who had brought his little son with him. The little boy found a lacie garter belt on one of the end caps and asked his dad if they should get that for his mom? The dad kind of chuckled and said, "No son, that would be for daddy and we need to get a gift mommy would like".

Sometimes men are smart and sometimes, not so much. In both of these cases, I'm guessing the men had been schooled.

Well, he felt guilty and came back after lunch with a Tiffany charm of a wedding ring to add to my charm bracelet. With two dozen roses that I have to cut myself in order to add to a vase. He wasn't very happy when I told him he didn't have to go buy me anything out of guilt. So, of course, I got back from him that he could return the charm. I knew this was going to happen. We need to chat because we're both irritated now. i hate this sh*t.

Okay, the pms took over. You need to add "gracious winner" to your vocabulary. You just taught him that you're impossible to please, so why should he try. I don't think that was the message you had in mind. Better luck next time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/11/2013 08:10PM by releve.