Recovery Board  : RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum. 
Go to Topic: PreviousNext
Go to: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In
Posted by: Hold Your Tapirs ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 03:00PM

I'm sure my experience isn't unique but I was hoping someone could help me out.

My youngest brother is the only that knows my feelings about the church and he's a few states away. My wife, kids, parents, other siblings, and TBM friends have no idea and I'm sure they'll be surprised. I'm currently the ward clerk and I'm good friends with two members of the Bishopric.

I'm not terribly concerned with how my parents or siblings will react. My concern is my wife, the in-laws, and the two friends I have in the bishopric. I can just see their reaction and the subsequent rescue attempt along with the "you know you've felt the spirit" or the "how can you NOT believe" statements.

How do you even broach the subject? Do you just rip off the band-aid, drop the bomb and walk away?

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: kolobian ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 03:04PM

I actually like the idea of someone in your position taking the course of allowing people to catch on to your disbelief on their own by your lack of bearing testimony and stuff.

You can still take the sacrament and do all that stuff as "cultural rituals" but you won't lie about anything.

You don't have to announce you no longer believe; you can let people notice you disbelief on their own.

Then you can be like, "what, you still believe this stuff?"



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/26/2013 03:04PM by kolobian.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Hold Your Tapirs ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 03:39PM

This is pretty much what I do. My spiritual thoughts in Bishopric/PEC are not gospel related. I avoid conversation about the church and the gospel and I visibly cringe when certain things are said in SM.

I'm sure they'll catch on eventually but there's only so much I can take.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/26/2013 03:39PM by lixo.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Elder Berry ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 03:14PM

lixo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> How do you even broach the subject? Do you just
> rip off the band-aid, drop the bomb and walk away?

Anything else in my opinion is delaying the inevitable. I told my wife I needed to talk to her and told her that I didn't believe and hadn't for a long time. She asked me to still attend. I did for awhile and then I told her I needed to talk to her and told her I just couldn't do it anymore.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: The 1st FreeAtLast ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 03:39PM

"Joseph also used an egg-shaped, brown rock for translating" (lds.org link): http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,961553,961964#msg-961964

"Joseph Smith's Changing First Vision Accounts" is excellent (link): http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,961553,961658#msg-961658

"The LD$ Church has misled millions of people & defrauded them of billions.": http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,940751,941377#msg-941377

"I suggest start w/ the July '93 Ensign article by LDS apostle R. Nelson about JS 'translating' the BoM w/ his 'seer' stone and hat (links)": http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,888649,889393#msg-889393

Some additional (and overlapping) info. is here: http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,750541,751997#msg-751997

Ditto: http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,732511,732511#msg-732511

Despite a proverbial mountain of facts that prove that Mormonism is a fraud, trying to convince your wife, in-laws, and friends of that reality may be quite difficult, if not impossible. Its depends on how LDS-'brainwashed' they are and how strongly their sense of identity (ego) is connected to Mo-ism. Liberal, relatively psychologically independent Latter-day Saints typically don't have a problem with a family member/relative/friend ceasing to participate in Mormonism.

The following are news reports you might want to share w/ them:

1. Last Saturday, the New York Times published a report, "Some Mormons Search the Web and Find Doubt": http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/us/some-mormons-search-the-web-and-find-doubt.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

2. In Jan. 2012, Reuters published its special report, "Mormonism besieged by the modern age": http://uk.reuters.com/article/2012/01/30/uk-mormonchurch-idUKTRE80T1CP20120130

3. The same week, ABC News in Salt Lake City reported "Number of faithful Mormons rapidly declining": http://www.abc4.com/content/news/top_stories/story/Number-of-faithful-Mormons-rapidly-declining/rvih3gOKxEm5om9IYJYnRA.cspx

4. In July 2012, Businessweek published an in-depth report about the LDS Church's multi-billion-dollar corporate empire: http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2012-07-10/how-the-mormons-make-money

Regardless of how your wife, in-laws, and friends react to your withdrawal from Mo-ism, it's your life, not theirs. The LD$ Church systematically misled you (and millions of other people) and took your money (assuming you paid tithing). You have the right to leave such a dishonest and unethical organization.

Good luck!

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: ck ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 03:43PM

Start with the wife and go gently. I asked my husband to read the FAIR website to understand my questions. It helps legitimize them b/c there are actually faithful, believing Mormon scholars who are addressing the questions you have. As my husband started to read he was shocked by all the questions there were and even more shocked by the inadequate responses. It has helped him to not only understand my perspective, but now he is joining me in disbelief. He is more intimidated by the social consequences of leaving the faith than I am and does not have the time or interest in studying as extensively as I have so far, but he's getting there. There's certainly no guarantee that she will see things your way, but I think that's an easier approach for spouses to swallow than just declaring that you no longer believe. It sends them running to the safety of the church and puts up protective barriers. Take it sloooooow.

As for the friends and the in-laws, I have no great advice there. I don't expect mine to understand and see no way to share it with them that will not send them into full retreat. A spouse is different in that there is greater intimacy and investment that enables you to talk more freely with them (hopefully).

Good luck! At some point it becomes impossible to keep it in anymore.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: honestone ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 03:47PM

I can not answer your question but am wondering if your job as ward clerk has something to do with taking you over the edge. I can't imagine taking a job that deals with gathering specific amts. of money from people when you don't even believe. And I know you are aware many of those people need that money for REAL LIFE. I know you were assigned the job however.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Hold Your Tapirs ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 04:02PM

There's another clerk that handles the finances, I only do it from time to time. I've had the calling for over a year and that's about the time I started learning the truth.

But I do see your point.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Finally Free! ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 03:55PM

OK, this may sound a little harsh, based on past experience, the only people in your list that truly matter are your wife and your kids. While it doesn't always happen, your TBM friends will most likely drop you once they see they can't re-convert you.

First, you need to have your story straight. You need to know what you are and aren't willing to do. Will you continue attending? What about tithing? How do you feel about the kids getting baptised (if they aren't already), etc.

Then you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your wife. This is important, do not argue. You've had time to get your thoughts in order, she hasn't had time to deal with your disbelief. Explain that you are the same person you've always been and love her and none of that has changed. The only thing that has changed is that you longer believe in the church. (Personally, I'd keep away from statements like "YOUR beliefs" or "YOUR church", keep it to "THE church"). Talking with her the first time is not the place to list out all the reasons why you no longer believe, that will just cause debate and arguments. You are letting her know in a loving way that you no longer believe in the church. "I love you very much, but I need to be honest with you. I no longer believe the church is true. I have my reasons and when you have had time to process this, we can sit down and look over what I've learned together, but for now, I'm hoping that you can understand my position. My love for you is as strong or strong than it's ever been, that has not changed."

Then, give her time to process. She could react a thousand different ways. She may cry, she may testify, she may run out of the room screaming, she may say "Thank God, I can't attend another meeting!". You know her best so you probably have a good idea. Depending on how that goes, let her know what you're willing to do going forward.

Depending on that goes, start living your life. Attend or not depending on what compromises you've made with your wife. Hopefully, given time you'll be able to share what you've learned. Stay away from arguments. Respect her right to believe, just like you'd like her to respect your right to not believe.

From there, start letting your friends know how you feel. If applicable, ask to be released from callings. If you want to stay friends, I wouldn't argue with them, but that doesn't mean that you have to take the brunt of constant love-bombings either nor listen to constant testimonies. "I respect your right to believe what you do, please respect mine as well. I'm not trying to deconvert you, please have the same respect for me."

It will not be easy. But with time, I think most here would agree that living honestly with yourself and those you love will be a huge burden off you.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Finally Free! ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 04:00PM

Just a couple other thoughts... Remember that you are equal partners in your marriage. That means that she can not and should not force you to do things just to "keep up appearances". If she's worried about tithing as it relates to her temple worthiness, most Bishops will accept that she should only pay tithing on her income, so hopefully that won't be a problem.

As for the kids, I'm a firm believer that if she insists that they go to church that you should have some activity that you do with them. Neither parent should talk down the other's beliefs in front of the kids, that's just confusing and causes problems.

Just my thoughts...

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Hold Your Tapirs ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 04:37PM

Luckily, I only pay tithing at the end of the year and my wife doesn't work so my non-tithe paying won't keep her from getting a TR.

I do like the idea of paying myself the 10% though.

I don't think my wife will be too surprised, I've tried to talk to her about Rough Stone Rolling and some of the historical tidbits there. Her parents are uber-TBM's in our ward, and we also have some old cronies in the ward that support the notion that believing spouses should leave non-believing spouses. Hearing that discussion in PEC was one of the reasons I started down this path.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Finally Free! ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 05:20PM

My wife left before I did... I was under a lot of presure to leave my wife... It was one of the reasons I went inactive long before I finally figured out the truth. I got tired of defending my marriage... People couldn't believe that I put staying married ahead of celestial glory. (you know, because I would have been so much happier with a molly mormon, rather than the strong independant woman I chose myself)

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: Brother Of Jerry ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 05:29PM

I told wife. She freaked and told everyone else in family, so I was tossed into the deep end of the pool. Not fun but not fatal either. The truck your life is on shakes and shudders, you downshift, check the gauges, and pay extra close attention to what's happening for awhile.

Yeah, two metaphors for the price of one. Good luck.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: BG ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 05:33PM

As stated above the most important person to deal with is your wife. Take your time and start small. Communicate the one most important fact that makes you think the church is a fraud in a small way -- not as a confrontration - just as a discussion point. I was afraid my wife would leave me if she fouond out I didn't believe, I took it very slowly, and she thinks it was her idea to leave ... trust me this is a slow process but you will have a much better end result.

I also suggest Strategic Incompetence for getting released as Clerk. Screw up, don't show up, tell them you have work commitments that are moving in your time ... then don't take a calling after being released. Then use that free time to offer to take your wife and kids to activities they love on Sunday... boil the frog by turning up the heat very slowly.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: snuckafoodberry ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 05:51PM

Most people say take your time and ease someone in. I think it depends. I know I've never been good at hiding things so I just blurted it out in one short sentence at an in opportune moment just to get it over with. I dealt with the aftermath from there. I was too tortured to go easy on everyone.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 07/26/2013 05:55PM by snuckafoodberry.

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: doubleb ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 06:01PM

The best advice I ever heard on this topic was, "Don't tell anyone anything at anytime."

That said, I couldn't hold it in any longer and downloaded with screams and tears to my wife for 5+ hours one night. She was shocked and frightened and confused. I told her I had to tell someone or I'd pop. In the end, she agreed to keep "the secret" to herself and ultimately has chosen not to communicate it to friends and family.

Meanwhile, I've moved on to total inactivity, no tithing, no nothing, have developed a quiet penchant for Belgian beer, etc. No in-your-face debates with anyone, just shrug it off with, "It's not important to me anymore." Take the next steps carefully and slowly. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Most importantly, bask in the freedom away from the Mormon mind-yank and slowly determine how you want to proceed with your life on your own terms.

And prior advice that the only thing that matters is your wife and your kids is spot on. Focus on what's right in front of your face...

Options: ReplyQuote
Posted by: twojedis ( )
Date: July 26, 2013 06:15PM

Having watched many go through this, there are advantages to just stating things plainly about what you believe and don't. It's more complicated because you have a wife, and, I assume, you want to maintain the marriage.

I am lucky that my hubby left first, and I followed him out. Because of that, I was largely free to say what I think to anyone I chose. I couldn't stand the anxiety of wondering who knows what or thinks they know what. Once it was all out in the open, it was what it was. I learned quickly who my real friends are. You can't control how people are going to react, and I'm of the opinion that it doesn't matter if you just tell them band-aid style, or if they slowly guess. They will either stand by them or you won't, and either way, it's good to know.

Options: ReplyQuote
Go to Topic: PreviousNext
Go to: Forum ListMessage ListNew TopicSearchLog In


Screen Name: 
Your Email (optional): 
Subject: 
Spam prevention:
Please, enter the code that you see below in the input field. This is for blocking bots that try to post this form automatically.
 **     **  ********  **    **   ******   ******** 
 **     **     **     **   **   **    **  **       
 **     **     **     **  **    **        **       
 **     **     **     *****     **        ******   
 **     **     **     **  **    **        **       
 **     **     **     **   **   **    **  **       
  *******      **     **    **   ******   **