I saw this post on another ex mormon site regarding telling your parents about leaving the church; the context was someone asked how to tell their parents, one poster replied they should just send in their resignation letter and another replied with the following:

"I don't know about the resignation letter. If you don't have a reason to do it, I wouldn't go there. If you do end up resigning, I would definitely NOT tell your parents, at least not right away. The reason is because it is so more hurtful and traumatic for them. More then we can probably understand. Leaving the church, that's tough. Getting your name removed, they will have a heart attack. Anyway, that's just my opinion.
I wrote them an email with a cover letter and attached detailed history, then called them a few days later. It work really well actually. That's how I Would do it."

Why would parents care more about just saying you don't believe vs. having the name removed. Isn't the latter just a formality?
I suppose it comes down to this really: What are the implications of having your name removed and why is that so much worse than just saying you don't believe it anymore?

One theory is that Mormons are very prideful and outward appearances of a faithful albeit dysfunctional Mormon family would be valued greater by Mormon parents than an unfaithful functional Mormon family.

Image is pretty darn important in Mormonism.

I think the time has come that Mormon Boomer parents, and now GenX need to be clued in about Mormonism. It's pretty clear the lies of Mormonism were purposefully withheld from all generations. Get to work Millennials figure out how to tell older people their faith is built on confirmed lies and deceptions and their "lighthouse of Truth", the Mormon church, is a sewage plant of deceit.

Rock their world--it needs to be Rocked.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/05/2013 03:31PM by gentlestrength.

There's level one: New Order Mormonism (NOM). You don't believe, but you go through the motions, because to not do so will cause problems. You even hold "callings," or even offices in the Melc. Priesthood. You may be a bishop or high counselor, since so many of them clearly do not believe.

There's level two: Inactivity. You just quit caring and quit going. Mormons bug you regularly to come back.

Then there's level three: You tell them you don't want contact. But to the bishop and your home/visiting teachers, "no contact" doesn't mean no contact. In fact, they talk about you regularly in PEC and ward council, thinking out loud of ways to contact you. They annoy the hell out of you because you think they are no longer supposed to come to your house, but they do, regularly and persistently.

Level four: You've had it. You talk to the bishop and he says, "Do you want your name removed?" This is dangerous Mormon code-speak. It might mean you'll be summoned to a "court of love."

Level five: You resign. This is termination of your LDS membership under your own terms. "Having one's name removed" is doing so under terms of the LDS church, and may involve having your name dragged through the mud. Do not have your name dragged through the mud. Terminate your membership through resignation.

That makes some sense. But I first "gave them Hell" in a "Love Court". I told them that I didn't believe, etc. After I won the appeal to the FP, I resigned and effectively told them to "GTH". I have no reservations.

Wow! One of the few, the proud, the rare to have won a "court of love" appeal. Most often there is no appeal process. After all, it all revolves around the whims and fancies of a stake president.

I left the church years ago, but my mom just realized a few months ago that I had "really left."

To a parent i think if you don't submit the letter they still hold out hope that you might return to the fold.

Anyway, I think resignation letters are silly and never sent one, but if I had upfront my mom might not have held out hope for so long..

Your name can be dragged through the mud irregardless of what you do or don't do.
I believe it's best to ask yourself why you are making the decision(s) you are, think about your decisions, and then act.

For clarification, resigning means the mormons shouldn't be coming to your door for meetings or visits. (I didn't say they wouldn't.) By not resigning they can still assign you home teachers, visiting teachers, the bishopric and priesthood leaders CAN and most likely WILL come to your house or contact you. Your name on the records gives them that permission whether or not you want it to happen.

If you don't resign it's an invitation to continued visits throughout your life. Even if you think they won't find you because you haven't left a forwarding address, Mormons have a specific policy/procedure in place to find people. They WILL work on finding you. Ask yourself if you want this continued contact the rest of your life.

If you are excommunicated you are still a member of record, like the children under 8 years old. Until you specifically tell them you resign, they will hunt you down.

Generally, I think TBM parents (even those who are outwardly accepting of their children's decision to leave TSCC) still hold on to the idea that deep down, their kid still BELIEVES. One day, they'll return. Either they'll get married and have kids and realize that they want the church to be a part of their family, or they'll go through some crisis and return to the church for comfort, or they'll become empty-nesters and seek out the church for socializing and slowly come back around, or they'll just outgrow their willful stage and accept the gospel again. For those who simply quit the church but don't resign, this fantasy is easier to hold on to.

However, resigning shows that you have not just drifted away from the church. Resigning isn't passive, it isn't reactionary - it is a purposeful action, the result of contemplation. It's a choice.

I think for a lot of TBM parents (and other loved ones), seeing someone resign is a completely different beast than seeing them "become inactive". It can feel more like an attack, and spark angry defensive reactions, which is why a lot of people choose not to resign.

Resigning for me was just a token expression. After realizing the fraudulent history and scriptures, I stopped participating for years and was OK with just doing that, but then I realized something else.

The church membership numbers are posted at 14 million +, and I KNOW that is false, but they like to keep the imagery going of success. Since the church no longer represented how I saw myself, God, or the world, I determined to resign because I felt I was being used.

The other factor were my children. Their lifetimes were filled with my harping and pushing church down their throats. Now I get to set the example of BEING what I believe. I am not a Mormon any more and they deserved to see that.

The reason that I resigned instead of just going inactive was Prop 8.

There are serious problems with the history and doctrine of TSCC, but I could have walked away and left the other sheeple to practice without me. What my neighbor does with his time and money is not my business.

However in California TSCC did the same thing they had done in Utah and who knows how many other states, in regard to marriage equality. They lied to the members to get them to back Prop 8. TSCC put their toes right up to the line of illegality and then used their power over the members to make sure that they did the dirty work for them.

I believe that a church can have any policy they want to have concerning membership and the rights of members to participate in the sacraments and ordinances of their church. People can choose to be, or not to be members.

I do not believe that a church has the right to impose their policies on the residents of any state. Just because the church thinks something is immoral doesn't mean that the state should make it illegal.

For that reason, I did not want my name associated with TSCC. Not everyone feels that remaining a member of TSCC impinges on their integrity, but I did.

You have to be able to look yourself in the eye and be proud of who you are. You have to weigh, actions or inactions they may do harm to you against actions or inactions that may do harm to others and choose those actions or inactions that do the least harm.

While I agree with those who say that there is no difference and no need to resign, I would say that there are still reasons to do so.

1. Emotional needs: I need to FEEL free by having my departure be official and on paper.

2. Put a damper on the unsolicited visits, while not perfect (like the do not call registry) it can still help.

3. Send a clear message to family, friends, and ward members that you are serious about leaving and not to hold out hope for your return.

4. To make a political statement, such as "I do not support bigotry." This probably ties in to some of the emotional reasons.

Inactive could be written off as just lazy or unhappy with a particular ward. (By believers)

Resigning usually sends the message you think its a con. That's another can of worms.

So going inactive can be an easier path. It still denies the church it's money, but church people keep showing up to reactivate you. TBM's friends and family keep giving them your address and phone number. Resigning stops the pestering.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/05/2013 07:19PM by crom.

This is how I have lived it and understand the reaction to someone leaving, in a nut shell:

In many cases, Mormonism functions as a highly insulated, territorial generational, patriarchal, familial, social, religious tribe with it's own unique customs, language, rituals, ceremonies, etc.

When someone leaves, they are seen and understood, in their belief system, as leaving their Eternal Family which is is absolute rejection, in all of it's ramifications.

Some take this extremely hard. It is seen, by them, as a complete rejection of their whole life's teachings and training as required by the Lord.

Naturally, leaving this kind of system requires some finesse to minimize the fall out which can be great. In the extreme,in the insulated culture, it can mean loss of jobs, career, home, family. etc.

Others find it relatively easy to leave the LDS Church. They have family that is able to recognize everyone's rights to their choices and apply unconditional love and acceptance.
Some members take longer than others to arrive at acceptance and understanding.

Once I understood how the system worked, on all of it's levels, I began to get a clear view of how to navigate my own removal from the religion. I was an adult convert, married in the temple. Fortunately, after a few ugly moments, my husband, (a true believer) and I negotiated an understanding: we would agree to disagree. Then religion became a non-issue.

Did you have any kids? If so, what did you teach them about religion? Presumably you wouldn't want them to have anything to do with the mormon church.

marriedtoexmo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Did you have any kids? If so, what did you teach
> them about religion? Presumably you wouldn't want
> them to have anything to do with the mormon
> church.


It appears you are referring to me. Yes, we raised our children in the LDS church. Some didn't stick with it, some resigned, even after serving a mission, all before I left.
They are all adults. Only one is a believer - the rest are not interested.

I made a decision when the children were young that I would accept any belief system - religious or otherwise, that they decided for themselves. I knew, as an adult convert, that religious beliefs could not be forced.

I am supportive of all of their choices - children and grandchildren, including Mormonism, and other religious choices.

I decided that being a Mormon is kind of like belonging to a country club. If you don't mind keeping the rules and you don't mind paying your monthly dues it works pretty good. I didn't like doing either of those things so I decided I didn't want to be a member of that country club anymore. I asked to be excommunicated. My dad didn't talk to me for two solid years... And of course my entire family was disappointed and freaked out... They continue to pray for me and put my name in the temple hoping I will return to the flock... But I'm not a sheep so it's not going to happen. It is pretty hard to be the only nonbeliever in your whole entire family. You pretty much just have to keep your mouth shut. It can be lonely at times but it is much better than living a lie.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/06/2013 05:59PM by flewthemormonkknest.

We never resigned, we just walked away.
Most of our extended family is out too, so walking away was quite easy.

For us, there is no reason to play their stupid game.

I think a lot of it is keeping up appearances. My inlaws are doing everything they can to pretend that my husband and I are still active. They are well known in their TBM bubble, and DH is their "good son". They introduce us to others by saying what stake we're in, buy DH garments even though he hasn't worn them in years (his mom buying him G's weirds me out so much), and constantly talk to us about the temple and church as if we were there last week.

They disowned a daughter for moving in with her boyfriend at the time. I can only imagine the horror it would be for them if we resigned. DH doesn't want to do that to his parents. I've gone back and forth on whether to resign on my own. If DH were more on board, I probably would have done it already.

In their eyes not resigning is like sitting on the bench of game. You may not be participating but you are still technically part of the game and team. Resigning would be like walking out the door during half time.

If you think about it, Mormonism requires all sorts of "formalities" in order to get into heaven, like proxy baptisms, endowments, marriage sealings, priesthood lineage/authority, etc. Why do you think they are going to see it any different with removing your name? Its only a formality but it speaks volumes about your intentions & feelings toward the church.

If you are simply inactive, there are no barriers to reactivating. You just show up, and you are good to go.

When you resign, besides sending the totally unambiguous message that you really want out, there in now a considerable barrier to becoming an active Mormon again. As with a divorce, yes, it is possible to remarry, and it even happens now and again, but there is a sense of finality with a resignation or divorce.

Divorce of course has a lot more legal implications than dumping LDS Inc does, but a resignation is still a formal, court-recognized termination of a relationship.

You are still in the records either way, just on a different list.

If you resign, your name is removed from your parents record, which they will see at tithing settlement (you will have disappeared from the family).

so from the parents point of view you are resigning from the forever family.

My sister resigned to stop the harassment, but didn't tell the parents. Cripes, did mum go on about it after tithing settlement.