so....found a toothbrush that doesnt belongto me. sex life has gone from every day (not good for me....used to b) to once a month...still not good... thoughts?

A pair of undies you don't recognize would be MUCH more incriminating. We've got extra toothbrushes around our house. When someone gets a new one, they don't always toss the old one out.

And there could be things other than cheating putting a damper on things. Examples: fatigue, stress, physical conditions, hormone changes.

It's scary to start a conversation, but it has to be done. And I wouldn't make any cheating assumptions unless you have more to go on than a toothbrush.

Hmmmm, Well, First of all, evaluate the situation. Is your spouse or significant other likely to fess up to something if you questioned them about it? If not, I suggest doing some investigating. When they are gone check computer activity, check their phone when they have left and you have access to it.

Warning signs would be, if they have their phone always on their person, and if it has a lock code on it. Same goes for the computer, if their is a lock code on it, chances are they are hiding something.I know it sounds silly to check on their phone and computer, but if they have nothing to hide, they will not care that you checked. You should be concerned if they freak out for you wishing to check. I can assure you if an affair is going on, the computer and phone will give them away.

I know people think it is unethical to check those devices, but if your living an honest life and having a healthy relationship, a spouse reviewing your computer activity should not be a big deal.

Hmmm. I dont know..A toothbrush iSnt alot to go on. whats your gut say? My Got knew long before he started leaving clues. But I would look for other signs. Clothes,a frequently called phone #. Late from wk..My ex once told me hed be late cuz he was going to play raquette ball. He took the gym bag, left the raquette. I found mens bakini underware w/cologne on it! HA! :-D. It funny now,but its been 20yrs. Dont panic now! Keep your eyes open though.

he password protects everything since i caught him 4 yrs ago sexting his friends that are girls....ones he'd intoduced me to. nevr fessed up until i told him i saw txt msgs.....said he was sorry....didnt want to lose me....blah blah blah....then changed all his pswrds. been flying blind since. even bought a house together. now this

men are usually easy to tell if they are cheating...are you out of town at all? I mean how could the tooth brush be at your house? Are you gone at set times?

Sexting is a bad sign. Can u afford a private investigater? Meeting the girl means nothing; some guys get off on close calls. Legally feelings dont count. But youve got reason to look. I know alot of peiple wont believe me; But 1 time I prayed about it while calling his work. The women freaked,said she didnt know he was married! Told me she'd been dating him 3YRS! HE STILL DENIED IT!! USE YOUR HEAD! Gather as much info. @divorce,etc as possible. Get your ducks on a row;before confronting him!

we're not married so at least i have that going for me. i guess i have to figure out the financials about the house tho. asked him abt the toothbrush last nite...no explanation really just the whole putting the blame on me, i must b remembering wrong, etc. this am came up w somewhat more plsusible explanation. i said the problem is trust....he said its my problem. oh and phone never left his side all nite...not that i can getin it!

He sounds guilty. Got defensive and shifted the toothbrush blame to you. Has a passcode on his phone, keeps it on him 24/7.

Hey you're not married, I asssume you don't have children with him? Whatever the case...

Don't take this too hard. I know it hurts like crazy. My husband had an affair in 2009 (we finally divorced in 2011). Listen. People are sexual. People are rarely monogamous. Don't take it personally. YOU are still the one he comes home to at the end of the day. That puts you way ahead of anyone else he may be playing with on the side.

Everyone needs pleasure and release.

Everyone needs stability.

You are his pleasure AND stability.

He just craves a little pleasure on the side. Lots of people do. Accept it. Embrace it. Celebrate it.

I've been there, sister!!

You can't trust him. It's only a house. That can be sold and the money divided. Trust is earned. He hasn't earned it. He has lied to you about other women before and only come clean when you had evidence. He then makes it harder for you to get evidence. How could you ever trust anything he says? Trust is crucial.

Toothbrush?
I use them to clean things.
Electronics, gun parts, tools, grout, threads on bolts etc.
I get them in multi packs.

Do you have a dog?

I take a toothbrush to work as well.

Does your partner travel, camp, hunt, fish etc

Just ideas that may be innocent.

toothbrush was in the toothbrush holder...we just got back from a long weekend where we packed our toothbrushes up. there are only 2 of us. when i went to work monday there was his n mine in the holder. he had day off...got home from work my toothbrush wad in meficine cabinet...not holder where i left it...and there was strange toothbrush in holder. he doesnt even know where spare toilet paper is...much less the extra toothbrushes are...and all the spates are from my dentist...not a generic brand. and his toothbrush was in holder too....so he didnt get generic to brush his teeth

He sounds guilty. Got defensive and shifted the toothbrush blame to you. Has a passcode on his phone, keeps it on him 24/7.

Hey you're not married, I asssume you don't have children with him? Whatever the case...

Don't take this too hard. I know it hurts like crazy. My husband had an affair in 2009 (we finally divorced in 2011). Listen. People are sexual. People are rarely monogamous. Don't take it personally. YOU are still the one he comes home to at the end of the day. That puts you way ahead of anyone else he may be playing with on the side.

Everyone needs pleasure and release.

Everyone needs stability.

You are his pleasure AND stability.

He just craves a little pleasure on the side. Lots of people do. If you can... Accept it. Embrace it. Celebrate it.

I've been there, sister!!

He's doing what's called gaslighting. Trying to make you think you're imagining things that are real.

His gal pal is letting you know that she's working on taking over your space. Starting with her tooth brush.

Use the toothbrush to clean the toilet. Then go find a realestate agent and an attorney.

I've been down this road a few times. You're not imagining things. You're also not making a big deal out of anything you shouldn't be making a a big deal out of.

Something that was hard for me to learn, but I finally did.....When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. It will save you a mountain of grief. I think you knew before the toothbrush incident that something wasn't right.

If I came home from being away, and my tooth brush had been replaced by a different one that didn't match the household norm there would be red flags flying.

You know something is up and he's trying to convince you that you don't know where your toothbrush is supposed to be. Even if he's not cheating, trying make you doubt your own perceptions is a sign that he's toxic.

Saliva test it and present the evidence? Or bluff a little about it?

I would do more detective work even if you start feeling like a stalker because of it. Hold off on the Real Estate Agent for a bit but take a look at the current market conditions to know where you are at financially with the situation and if you will make any money or end up just breaking even. Then take a deep breath....and think about the situation.

I will tell you as a guy that we are sometimes clueless about stuff and some people like to have their privacy even within a relationship. It is a fine line to walk when the person looks suspect but remember that it is also a possibility that there is nothing going on. If he is somewhat immature then he could be a little bit oppositionaly defiant about feeling checked up on. I am not saying that you are wrong but I am just pointing out that sometimes in a relationship with male to male work environment the big thing that men crave at work is autonomy and trust. Some management training suggests that there are employee types that will perform better when they are shown trust than given a raise....that is just some people's thing that they crave....even if it is faked or pretend trust they desperately want to feel trusted.

So all I am saying is be cautious and do some investigation but at the same time don't spoil the investigative evidence by letting the subject know they are being watched. Otherwise you could create a situation that becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. Sometimes this is the same as an internal bias called the Hawthorne Effect. "It is the process where human subjects of an experiment change their behavior, simply because they are being studied. This is one of the hardest inbuilt biases to eliminate or factor into the design."

I am not saying that you are not correct. He may be a cheater.....but he may not. He may just be a little bit introverted or immature and want to keep his passwords. If his parents always checked up on him he may want to feel not checked up on for the rest of his life and be juggling how to share himself in an adult and intimate relationship with this internal fight going on in him.

Lot's of stuff could be going on with him and of course an affair could be one of the things that is happening too.

Read more: Hawthorne Effect - Observation Bias http://explorable.com/hawthorne-effect

In my opinion, he lost the privilege to have password protected electronics when she caught him sexting other women. There comes a point where trust is great, but blind faith after witnessing transgression can be foolish. If he has nothing to hide he should not feel intimidated by knowing that the possibility loomed of his significant other checking his electronics.

While you're trying to figure this out, there is one thing more you need to worry about. In committed relationships, people stop having safe sex because they assume they are the only one and since both parties are clean all is well. If there are other people in your bed, you might not be as safe as you thought.

Thank you all for your help, advice and listening (reading)....

Yeah, I think something might be going on. I know these all seem like small things, but when you add them all up it does create cause for concern.

1. Unfamiliar toothbrush
2. History of sexting while in relationship
3. Locks all electronics with codes.

People do not put codes on electronics, especially in their own home unless they have something to hide. I have been with my partner for four years, and I caught him texting another guy. We have worked things out, but I layed down the law. I just sat down and told him if he did not want to be with me he could leave. Also I am pretty tec savy, and I told him as long as he is under my roof he will not have password protected electronics, or else he can could get out. We have a good relationship, this was just a hickup, but he saw that I meant business. I barley tolerated this one mistake, if it were to happen again he would out for good.

If your significant other cannot agree to these terms in a relationship, he did not want to be with you anyway and you would be better off without him.

DW claims she found an earing at the house once after retuning from vacation. And I never cheated. But every time someone else she hears about cheating, she takes if out on me. Trust me or don't trust me but I'll keep some privacy. Married 15 yrs. I don't want to see her phone, txts, etc.

Start putting pictures of Jodi Arias all over the house and make conversations on what she could have done to cover up her crime better.

That should put an end to it.

i used to watch csi all the time....until i couldnt because the way the pipetted and instantaneous results (both of which were/are wrong)....but i now watch criminal minds all the time. that count? ;-)

It sounds like someone wanted you to know she'd been there.

Check credit card charges if there are any you don't see every month. That's how I found out something that had supposedly lasted only 3 weeks had been going on for months.

Agree with other posters, don't let on you're still suspicious if he's gaslighting; he'll only work harder to cover his tracks if something's going on.

Damn, it's mine. I confess!

OK, look, it's just a toothbrush.

Do you have any rashes?

It took me a second to get the connection...hmmmmm if the lack of sex happened all of a sudden...maybe time to check out some things... I hope it is not what you fear.

honestly its the second toothbrush ive found. first one was several weeks ago at our lakehouse....perched above the medicine cabinet....where the condoms are hidden that i didnt know about. i kept my cool because it could have been one of his adult kids....but then again neither of them live in the city that lakehouse is in...in fact they go to the same dentist as their dad.....50miles away...and the name of the dentist was from the same town as the lakehouse.....wait for it....drum roll...to which he always alays stays on his day off as i have a normal 5 day work week and he has 4 day work weeks. tada....not just one toothbrush...two! and a lot of other circumstancial evidence...seeing how he got better at covering up the last time i caught him sexting 4 yrs ago.

If you don't want to share this guy with others, you'd better consider finding a different guy.

spycam time. One of the best investments i made.

Here's my take: he thinks he can bamboozle you. Translation: he thinks you are not smart enough to figure out what he is really doing.
He's a polished liar that blames you for his crap.
You are only getting the tip of the iceberg. You know he has a history of this behavior.

If it were me... I'd get OUT ASAP.
Know your rights in your state - unmarried living as married. See an attorney ..again ASAP to know what can happen financially.

I wouldn't trust him with..well... a toothbrush! :-)

Start documenting -- keep very good financial records also.
Keep as much money as possible in your name that only you can access.
Do you have children? That is another complication: visitation, legal custody, child support, etc.

Gee, I found an extra toothbrush BUT we were away together. DW probably had it from an earlier trip and I hadn't noticed. Whenever we go anywhere DW gets a new toothbrush. My concern is not this but, rather, family members keeping DW in the cult.

Arrrrrgh! This guy is guilty as hell OP.

Do your homework and bust his @ss. Then take him for everything he's worth financially. I realize you are not married, but be sure to get the best financial deal you can on your house.

Kick. Him. To. The. Curb.

;o)