I've been suppressing feelings of doubt for several years since my mission. I've played the part of being a TBM very well until recently when I eventually talked to a non-mormon therapist. I realized I've been living a lie for so long because I don't want to shake the boat and because I am fully aware of the potential upheaval of my life the admittance my non-belief could cause for me.

I have always been the poster child for my family, and I haven't wanted to ever disappoint my mother as she is truly one of the most kind and gentle hearted people that I know (at least in my childhood perception of her) and I know she would be personally devastated by me removing myself from the church.

I finally gave myself permission to believe what I believed, and I accept that 3rd kingdom of heaven as a pretty nice place and I am comfortable with being placed there if that's what awaits me for being atheist and abandoning "the church."

I realized nearly instantly that I really don't need to do much research to provide myself sufficient evidence to leave the church, I've been mentally compiling it for the last 9 years. Too many "inspired" leaders that aren't and temples continuing to let me in regardless of the guilt I felt. Being able to LIE straight to "discerning" leaders directly to their face during the temple interviews. The incredible waste of sacred Tithing money when I worked for the church in their IT department. The infighting of the different organizations inside of "the corporation for the presiding bishop" or whatever it was called, but the infighting and politics that caused that waste was very problematic to me.

My real problem that I face now is exposing this to those I care about and dealing with the consequences of living this lie for so long. My wife has been in and out of the church until I met her and we got married in the temple and now have a child. We've just barely started to root ourselves in the area and the church is a big part of our community support, our baby-sitter, her playdate friends for my son, her emotional support, all come from the church.

I keep thinking that if I come out full blown and remove myself from the church I will end up divorced and a single Dad (my wife can hardly deal emotionally with watching my son when I am at work, and it would probably end up with her having me care for him as she has expressed that she doesn't feel capable of doing it by herself) with no support from my own parents or from her family. My extended family is all TBM and will likely be just as unforgiving as both sides are pioneer families. At the moment I am so fired up that I don't know if I can handle meeting with the missionaries this evening for dinner, but I don't know that I want to disrupt my marriage and family life that badly yet.

I will probably calm down and go along with the facade for a couple more months until I am ready to blow the top on everything when I am in a better position.

While I am exploring this territory, I do have a few questions.

1) If your situation was similar to mine, how did your family react
2) What are some of the most convincing books to read that expose the fallacies of the LDS church, as I am interested in doing research to get more factual information to backup my internal conclusions.

JonathanTech Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> 2) What are some of the most convincing books to
> read that expose the fallacies of the LDS church,
> as I am interested in doing research to get more
> factual information to backup my internal
> conclusions.

http://www.amazon.com/In-Sacred-Loneliness-Plural-Joseph/dp/156085085X

Best $29.00 you will ever spend. Think of your mother in the position these many women where placed in, then think of Francis Monson. Think of how institutional inequality of women and their being used as dynastic and power play things by your Mormon "prophets."

Think about it. What would Mary do? She is the mother of their god. She just let a strange spirit impregnate her.

I feel your pain. I have been out of the church for 5 years, and it can be an explosive situation at first. It has GREAT potential to destroy your family and way of life. This is very true.

I do not want to sugar coat it. It can be a nasty experience. You may have family turn on you and cut you out of their life. Even those who choose to keep you in their life may treat you as an inferior because you are an apostate in their eyes. They may be passive aggressive and do everything they can to make you feel like you are a fool. I have been out of the church for 5 years. I have 8 brothers and sisters, all of which are active members. Even though I have been out as long as I have, I am still plagued by poor behavior from my family. Mormonism can destroy families if someone in the family does not fit the mold.

I am also gay, which has led to even more criticism and hate from my family. They have constantly tried to make me feel inferior, make me as if I am lacking in intellectual thought, because I am no longer mormon. Mormons are very much about you either being with them, or being against them. There is very little room for in between. Especially as an apostate. You know how mormons view non members, they talk down about them. Well, as an apostate you will have it 10 times worse then a non member.

Just prepare yourself. I would take it slow, if you love your wife and want to preserve a relationship, take it slow. Maybe present her with some evidence about why you might feel mormonism is a sham. Be gentle, and just ask her for her thoughts on the matters that you bring to her. If you come at her in a way that engages her and gets her thinking, rather then just dropping a bomb about disbelief on her, it may go better. You never know, but she may share the same feelings as you and you do not know it. Although, you may be right, she could potentially freak out on you, and blow her top, and make your relationship a nightmare for awhile. I would approach your wife in a private setting, a respectful manner, and ask her her HONEST thoughts and opinions. Engage her in the conversation. Do not do all of the talking, and then you can better gage where she stands on the issue, and plan from there.

Hope this helps you buddy, I feel your pain. This is not easy, and I will just say, once you jump in this, be ready to swim. It is not easy, and it will be an issue for you to address for years to come. It will not go away in a few months. Even if your wife agrees with you, both of you will have both sides of your family to deal with forever more.

I feel your pain and I'm in the same boat. I haven't come out to my wife yet but I think she knows it's coming. We've had several discussions about Rough Stone Rolling, other historical issues, and my disdain for some of the things done in the church.

I too harbored doubts throughout my entire mission, something just never felt right and I always thought it was me. After my mission I just got too busy to care about doubt or belief. The doubts didn't surface again until last year.

I have 3 kids (oldest is 12) and I'm not sure how they'll take it. I've already talked to my youngest brother and he's fine with it. My other siblings won't be so accommodating and my parents will lose their s**t when I go public.

But, as I've been told by other people on this site, the only person that matters is your wife.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/06/2013 04:09PM by lixo.

Seriously, it takes a while to get over the "guilt". In actuality you don't need to feel guilt over not believing. It's not true and the feeling of guilt is just years of brainwashing kicking in and telling you that you are unworthy or evil.

You're neither of those things.

I'll bet you are a really good person. Your only "mistake" was using the brain the good Lord gave you! And it wasn't a mistake, it just seems that way right now.

One piece of advice. Not everything you learned as a Mormon is untrue. It still matters (and the "why" behind this I can't discuss on this forum) how you treat others. Keep the golden rule. Live your life by it. Go out and breathe in the sweet air of freedom and live a good life because YOU WANT TO, because you ARE a good person.

Peace.

Yeah, my mission was the first encounter with a bad leader. My MP had the audacity to tell me I wasn't suffering from depression and that I just needed to work harder and all would be fine. Two to three weeks later, with suicidal thoughts creeping into my head, I persisted that I needed to see a therapist. I haven't trusted "God" or his "leaders" since.

I hope you get as lucky as I was with my spouse.
I was very afraid to let him know what was going on with me. I decided to take it slow and just let out a bit at a time.

One Sunday I made the casual remark that I sometimes wondered if the church might not be all that it presents itself to be.

My husband looked at me kind of stunned and said "I don't think it is." That was the last Sunday we went stepped foot inside of a mormon church. We were done with it.

We've had some backlash from family, but so far it hasn't been anything we can't handle.

I told my mother about my active Mormon mother about my non-belief when I was 26 and she took it remarkably well. So well in fact that she wanted to read my "research" and long story short she stopped believing too and not too long afterwards my father did the same. My parents were converts however, and your family might not react the same way unfortunately, but its sucks faking it. Regardless of the fallout, a great weight is off your back when you can finally be honest about your beliefs and live an authentic life.

I started compiling a list of books that I felt were essential reading. I have placed a star next to my favorite recommendations since most people would obviously not read all of them. My top pick for learning about the problems about Mormonism is hands down Mormonism-Shadow or Reality by Jerald & Sandra Tanner. Its an exhaustively detailed and documented book on everything from Plural Marriage to Book of Mormon archaeology to changes in the temple.

History/Joseph Smtih
* Mormonism - Shadow or Reality? (or The Changing World of Mormonism) by Jerald & Sandra Tanner
* An Insider’s View of Mormon Origins by Grant Palmer
* No Man Knows My History: The Life of Joseph Smith by Fawn M. Broadie
* The Mormon Hierarchy: Origins of Power by D. Michael Quinn
* The Mormon Hierarchy: Extensions of Power by D. Michael Quinn
* The Keystone of Mormonism by Arza Evans
Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer
Mormon America, The Power and the Promise by Richard Ostling, Joan K. Ostling
One Nation Under Gods: A History of the Mormon Church by Richard Abanes
Joseph Smith: Rough Stone Rolling by Richard Lyman Bushman
Joseph Smith: The Making of a Prophet by Dan Vogel
Joseph Smith: The First Mormon by Donna Hill
The Prophet Puzzle: Interpretive Essays on Joseph Smith by Bryan Waterman
Joseph Smith and the Origins of The Book of Mormon by David Persuitte
The New Mormon History: Revisionist Essays on the Past by D. Michael Quinn
Mormon Mavericks: Essays on Dissenters - John Sillito and Susan Staker

Polygamy
* In Sacred Loneliness: The Plural Wives of Joseph Smith by Todd Compton
* Mormon Enigma: Emma Hale Smith by Linda King Newell
Mormon Polygamy: A History by Richard S. Van Wagoner
Solemn Covenant: The Mormon Polygamous Passage by B. Carmon Hardy
Nauvoo Polygamy: “… but we called it celestial marriage” by George D. Smith

Book of Mormon
*New Approaches to the Book of Mormon: Explorations in Critical Methodology by Brent Metcalfe
*Quest for the Gold Plates: Thomas Stuart Ferguson’s Archaeological Search for the Book of Mormon by Stan Larson
*American Apocrypha: Essays on the Book of Mormon by Dan Vogel and Brent Lee Metcalfe
Losing a Lost Tribe: Native Americans, DNA, and the Mormon Church by Simon G. Southerton

Book of Abraham
*By His Own Hand Upon Papyrus: A New Look at the Joseph Smith Papyri by Charles M. Larson

Folk Magic/Occult Practices
* Early Mormonism and the Magic World View by D. Michael Quinn

Temple
Evolution of the Mormon Temple Ceremony: 1842-1990 by Jerald and Sandra Tanner
The Mysteries of Godliness: A History of Mormon Temple Worship - David John Buerger

Mountain Meadows Massacre
Blood of the Prophets: Brigham Young and the Massacre at Mountain Meadows by Will Bagley
The Mountain Meadows Massacre by Brooks, Juanita

Misc
Line Upon Line: Essays on Mormon Doctrine by Gary James Bergera
Power From On High: The Development of Mormon Priesthood - Gregory A. Prince

This should be posted at the top of this forum. Excellent list! Could not agree more.

His top three are my exact top three.

I would only add www.wivesofjosephsmith.org

I am emailing one of our posters, twojedis, who is the wife of a poster, sithlord, who came here with a post just like yours. For many good and substantial reasons, he was concerned about the earthquake that would hit when he revealed his true feelings about the church.

Check the biography section of this forum for their story.

Regarding your fears:

Your have discovered the you life has been based upon a lie. The group you trusted lied to you and taught you to lie to others. When that delusion falls away, as many do with time, you find out who you really are and what you are made of.

You learn if you actually care about truth and where you stand regarding honesty. It is a character test of the highest magnitude...almost like a TV game except the stakes are people's lives.

Will the contestant take the risk and choose Reality and risk his entire suitcase? Or will he keep the suitcase and not tell anyone he was ever on the show? He can walk away now....

tick. tick. tick...

No one can tell you what to do on this one because it depends on the kind of man you are. After a lifetime of Mormonism, some people are so atrophied in their sense of themselves, or so full of conditioned fear, that they cannot conceive of a persona, an identity that doesn't include being part of a Big Powerful Insider Group. Their statement is "I can't do it by myself."

This sounds like your wife, who is overwhelmed by childraising.

Having a group identity means that the people who are supporting her are doing so because she is a member of their tribe. It is not the same as personal support and therefore, does not nourish the heart. You read here how many people leave the church and are amazed at the people they thought were their friends, who knew them, drop them instantly.

So the question becomes, are you willing to give up a life of authenticity to keep yourself or your wife comfortable?

If your wife is uncomfortable with who you really are, why would you want to pretend to be someone else for her? You are obviously intelligent-- you know this would result in tremendous loneliness and resentment for both of you, leaving you at great risk for affairs.

Those who manage to pull off a mixed marriage do so by making their marriage number one priority in the home, rather than the church. They deliberately and surgically remove the temple promise that they will love each other and she will obey you conditionally "as he obeys the laws and ordinances of the gospel."

If she is willing to do this, then you have a shot. From your post, it does not sound likely.

Ask yourself this question: Finances aside, would you be willing to care for her if she were comatose, putting aside all hope for companionship and sex for yourself for the rest of your life? Would you mount her warm, motionless body in the wee hours, feeling it is ok because of your loyalty and years of care and sacrifice?

Only you can draw the line on where the pretending stops.


Anagrammy

Jonathan Tech, you need to take care of your wife as best you can in the next few months. Don't worry about the others (parents, siblings, etc.); they'll survive. But it sounds like your wife is in a very vulnerable place as an unsure new parent.

Some suggestions:

1. Therapy for her, or better yet, family therapy for both of you--non lds. You can call it "new parent therapy" with an emphasis on child development--anything to give her more confidence and make her less dependent on the lds support group.

2. Time together for the two of you to strengthen your relationship. What you want to do is get so tight together that the church is left out in the cold.

3. Actively search out couples that share your values and interests that are NOT lds. One of the things that seems to surprise people when they leave mormonism is that there are really nice people out there who are not sinning even though they aren't mormon.

4. Just generally, gradually cut those lds ties. Take an active role with your baby. Remember that a new mom who is staying at home is kind of isolated and at the mercy of those who will take an interest in her. Do what you can to lessen the need and redirect it away from lds.

I'm sure wiser people than I will give you some good advice. Wishing you the best.

You might underestimate yourself.

When I told my wife, what made her the most upset was that I had kept all my doubts about the church to myself until I was confident the church was a fraud. Although she is still a tbm, she would have preferred to have been included in my journey of learning about the church. I agree with others who have stated that it is best to give your wife some insights into your doubts without dumping everything on her all at once.

I was surprised by how quickly the walls came down once I allowed myself to believe in the possibility that the Church could be false.

True statement, mindog.

I really liked this one... http://www.amazon.com/Standing-Something-More-Excommunication-ebook/dp/B004R1PYEK/ref=sr_1_1_bnp_1_kin?ie=UTF8&qid=1375850035&sr=8-1&keywords=lyndon+lamborn

It's a fast read.

Have your wife watch "Sister Wives." That disgusted my wife so much!

I was total TBM until watching Sister Wives. On Sister Wives I learned about polyandry and I wanted to prove it wrong. And so it began ...

My girlfriend of over a year dumped me flat when I told her. That was probably the most painful experience of my life. But I kind of knew that was coming and its not like we were married or living together, so it certainly wasn't as bad as what you're facing! But you do need to accept that some people simply won't be able to accept your decision to leave the religion. Many Mormons do shun, regardless of what some of their propaganda may tell you.

My family, on the other hand, has reacted surprisingly well. My mom will bear her testimony at me every now and then, and tell me that all the evidence doesn't matter compared to the emotions she feels. Whatever. She didn't disown me or anything, and surprisingly, we can even still talk about things other than her church from time to time!

I would say the whole experience has actually strengthened my relationship with my father. We have really interesting conversations about god, science, critical thinking, etc. Its much more engaging than the checklist conversations he used to give me: "Are you saying your prayers? Check. Are you going to church? Check. Are you maturating regularly? Check- wait! No, I got that one wrong! Can we go back?" (JK. I was a much better liar than that!)

Bump.

Hi Jon,

It sounds as if you're in a good position, and that your only real problem with the Church is that its tenets are false, while you want to live in accordance with what you believe to be true. Is that right?

What, exactly, do you believe right now? Are any beliefs worth giving up your marriage and your relationship with your son for? If you take the view that the Church is just a social club, you could keep all of the benefits that you now enjoy, and not cause anyone any harm.

Jon, most of the significant beliefs that people adopt appear to be mythological in character. Darwinian evolution (which I accept not as a theory, but a fact) has mythological aspects, such as the problem of not living long enough (millions of years) to personally be able to observe speciation occurring. Most beliefs require some type of faith.

If you swapped out Mormonism for atheism, who is to say that you wouldn't go from false to out-and-out bad? That is, all of your wife's friends would go away. Your son would be hurt. Some new faces might eventually appear, but they probably wouldn't be nearly as close and committed as the existing friends that you now have are. No matter where you go, people are people. Human nature remains human nature. Infighting isn't a moral failing or strange sociological artifact of Mormonism. It arises from human nature.

No, Mormonism isn't what it claims to be, but neither is any other religion. They're just cultural masquerades behind which lie dominance hierarchies and the exercise of power. This is true in every organization. In my mind, it just doesn't make any sense to give up all of the good things that you have and cause great harm to your family for no good reason. Why on earth would you do that? It's a lose-lose proposition.

Yes, you could say that you don't want to affiliate with a church that's anti-gay, and that represents itself as one thing while, in fact, it's nothing of the kind. You don't want your tithing money to support activities that you don't believe in, and that cause harm to others, such as Proposition H8, or proselyting based on falsehoods. I understand. But I also understand that life involves a set of tradeoffs at every turn. You're not actively harming anyone, yourself. Adults have to make their own decisions. You can't save people from themselves.

Can you find a way to treat your Church involvement as purely social, and enjoy the benefits without incurring any real liabilities? If so, do it.

John Dehlin was in the same position that you're in now, and he decided to take the blue pill and stay in the Church, even though he knows that it's false. What is it about the Church that bothers you so much? There are lots of great people in it. By all means, Jon, study and educate yourself, but let others--such as your wife, and when he grows up, your son--do the same on their own schedule (if ever).

Also, you might want to read my thread, http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,983636

We're like iron filings caught up in the invisible electromagnetic fields of power that pervade society. No matter what you do, you're going to be pulled into one or another of those fields. Why not pick one that you know and has benefitted you? You have to be realistic about the consequences of attempting to leave. You'd need some pretty significant justification for risking your marriage and potential harm to your son.

What, exactly, is bothering you so much? How, exactly, is Mormonism harming *you*?

What, specifically, drove you to see a psychotherapist (not that that's a bad thing)?

Good Luck,

Steve

>What, exactly, is bothering you so much? How, exactly, is Mormonism harming *you*?

It is against who I am to knowingly live a lie. I hate hypocrisy at the core and can't do it myself without severe mental and emotional strain. Subconsciously I've been living a lie, but now that I know 100% because I gave myself permission to investigate my doubts, I can no longer portray that same image.

>What, specifically, drove you to see a psychotherapist (not that that's a bad thing)?

It was depression due to marriage difficulties and internal conflict with the church. It was my therapy that broke me out of it. I was too worried about how everybody else would respond to the real me, so I suppressed it. I had to be the poster child, I couldn't let my parents or siblings down. I was terrified of their responses.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/09/2013 12:26PM by jonathantech.

> We're like iron filings caught up in the invisible electromagnetic fields of power that pervade society. No matter what you do, you're going to be pulled into one or another of those fields. Why not pick one that you know and has benefitted you? You have to be realistic about the consequences of attempting to leave. You'd need some pretty significant justification for risking your marriage and potential harm to your son.

I am very realistic about the consequences of me leaving. I do have significant justification and I don't feel the church has really benefitted me. I feel it's hampered me as an intellectual and created some very problematic obstacles for me that have affected my marriage and happiness. My son deserves to know the truth, and if me standing up for the truth destroys my marriage then that is something I can live with.

Get some help for your wife and support her completely. It is rough being a new mommy. Maybe she is dealing with post partum depression. I had PPD after my second baby and I felt so inadequate as a mother that I wanted to just walk away. I felt like I could not be a good enough mother. I talked to my doctor and she put me on Celexa for about a year and it made a huge difference. It really saved me. Feelings of inadequacy are completely normal for new moms, but it sounds like it may be more than your wife can handle emotionally right now. Maybe she just needs some counseling, but she needs to talk to her doctor to get the help she needs.

Staylds.com is a good waiting placebto discuss the transition.
Lots of good advice.

Everyone says.
Go slow
Do NOT dump "info" and truth on your partner. Let them digest slowly.
Make sure to tell spouse you love them unconditionally and that has nothing to do with LDS.
Most ate afraidbthey will lose you

Yes, this is an example page, worth a peek.
sounds like people like you.
You aren't alone.
I wonder what % of church members are in the same camp?

http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=4366

Yes, this is an example page, worth a peek.
sounds like people like you.
You aren't alone.
I wonder what % of church members are in the same camp?

http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=4366

Yes, this is an example page, worth a peek.
sounds like people like you.
You aren't alone.
I wonder what % of church members are in the same camp?

http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=4366

That sounds like great advice. I will make sure to express that to her, but that doesn't mean that everything will work out ok. I'm not sure where I will be able to compromise on when it comes to my son's teaching as I don't want him indoctrinated and my own personal views are very contrasting to what my wife will be teaching him. I know this will cause a LOT of problems down the road, and that's another reason to consider divorce if she makes life miserable because of my beliefs and our opinions on what my son should be taught. If we were divorced she wouldn't be able to interrupt / sabotage me when I am explaining things to my son.

I've been marginalized by my wife - she tells my kids I'm having a midlife crisis. I've been accused of having an affair, wanting to leave so I can drink, view porn, etc. I seriously am going nuts trying to keep my family together and wondering if I should just bail on my wife and kids to maintain my sanity. I can't live a religion that's not true without going crazy, but I can't stay in a marriage where I'm marginalized by my wife, not allowed to discuss religion with my kids, and gossiped about to other family and former Ward members.
Just consider all of that before you leave, but I do feel free and liberated from the cult. The rest of it is all the brainwashing that the cult places on them to make them think that I've done something wicked.

Sorry for my delayed response, been a tough couple of days. I started off reading "The heretic's guide to religion: the mormons" by David Fitzgerald.

About my wife: She has already been working with a therapist and a doctor to control her depression. She knew I was struggling with the church for a while, and I told her I was having serious issues with god.

My main problem is that I have been living a lie for 7 years as I slowly slipped away from the church. After waking up this week I am definitely having a knee-jerk reaction to it, but I can't see myself long term doing anything with the church. I feel I need to re-establish my world view, and I can't lie any more in the church. I also struggle with confrontation, I avoid it at all costs and would rather just disappear from the church altogether. Also, my marriage has sucked to some degree, but after we got her a counselor things have been improving as she has been healing from past abuses from men in her past. Previously this has caused a severe strain on the relationship and I keep seeing an opportunity to restart my life.
My wife told my parents last night that I was really struggling and reading anti-mormon books and after talking with my wife she said she doesn't want to know the questions I am trying to find answers to (the ones without good answers, which I will research further to confirm for myself, but my mind is already made up). She doesn't want to really learn, but I think it's because she's too scared of her fairy tale being destroyed. I know though that things will be a battle for me and her when it comes to teaching my son, I would rather him not suffer the same indoctrination, although the church does teach good values that I am grateful for, I don't think they are the only ones that can teach that. I don't want my son going on a similar mission and being in the same position. I want my Son to be responsible with Sex and not just be preached abstinence. I don't want my son feeling guilty for his sexuality, whatever that may be. Sorry this is such a run-on. Just need to talk about it, as I've been having serious anxiety attacks for me, I know how to handle them, but man it's uncomfortable to deprogram yourself from everything of your youth.

My parents never worried about me leaving. We are from pioneer heritage, too. It really doesn't make a whole lot of difference in how devout someone is, though. My dad was not very active mormon for most of my life, but he was the one who "ordered" me back. My life was a disaster after my gay/straight marriage broke up.

Because I was so devout, my parents listened. My mother much more so than my dad at first. I just gave them bits and pieces of my life experience withe LDS leaders. Talk about lack of inspiration!!!! They considered sex the way to save my gay boyfriend--not lds teachings. I never told my parents everything--but my mother, the one who guilted us all our lives over lds teachings, told my dad that "she can be spiritual without attending any religion."

My youngest brother, the sibling I'm closest to, went inactive in his teens. In his 40s, he asked me, "Really, you don't believe???? You've given me permission to finally let go of belief."

You NEVER know how someone is going to react. It doesn't sound like your's is very promising, but if your mother is the sweet gentle soul you say she is, she SHOULD still love you. That is a big IF. My parents could never quite wrap their mind around the fact I no longer believed--they always still loved me. My dad got to the point he was furious at the leaders for what they did to my life--and the fallout continues.

Also--like Elder Berry said, "In Sacred Loneliness"-- itis difficult to read, but very eye-opening. I never did finish it. I actually was also a lot like your wife in terms of raising children. Maybe she needs to go to work part time. It changed my world to work part time. I worked evenings and my husband took care of the kids those 2 evenings a week. Being a SAHM can be torture for some people (something a lot of women don't tell each other).



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/09/2013 11:38AM by cl2.

Yeah, I had an interesting conversation with my mother this morning. In one hand, she would say that it was ok for me to investigate to gain my own testimony, then she would say, but don't use those anti-mormon books. Then she said that if I was to pray I would find the answer. I asked her, "Would you bother to pray about the truthfulness of a letter that you knew contained non-truths". She never answered that directly, just kept falling back to, prayer is the the only answer. Which is kinda true, it is the only way you can convince yourself with strong feelings of anything, but that doesn't mean it's truth. I've always tried the get personal revelation for this or that, but I always felt as if my mind was creating the feelings, and it was NEVER clear, as I could easily flip-flop the answer with another option.

of "my journey," but they did come to accept it eventually. It may take your mother time--but most mothers love their children MORE than the religion. Not necessarily mormons though. I was rather SHOCKED by my mother's reaction. She actually asked me once if I'd ever go back and I discussed with her more how the lds church deals with gays and the women they marry (let alone the children). I told her I could never support an organization that did this to us. She said she'd probably leave, too, except it was all she knew. It took a lot for my mother to come to the point she did. She loved her inactive children as much as her active children. She never deviated from that up until the day she died. We had a discussion about it just a few weeks before she died--that she had GOOD KIDS--wonderful, kind-hearted children.

"In Sacred Loneliness" is written by an active lds man. I think he is still a member in good standing. It is quite EYE-OPENING--rather sickening.

Your are already taking positive steps in solving your dilemma by seeking counseling for both you and your wife and courageously talking on this forum seeking information of how similar problems have been handled by others and what educational material they found helpful. In my experience it is keeping problems bottled up until the top explodes that cause additional challenges on top of the problems. You are letting the pressure out responsibly and slowly.

Three resources which helped me were: 1) Now Man Knows My History by Fawn Brodie 2) Standing for Something More by Lyndon Lamborn 3)The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason by Sam Harris. Sam Harris is also available to listen to on Youtube---just type in his name and you will have lectures and debates of his to listen to. Also Lyndon Lamborn tells his story on Youtube and I highly recommend it. He is easy to listen to, comes across, in my opinion, very honest and sincere, and was a very devout and believing Utah mormon when he started to question the church.

Your journey is not easy, but it is so worth it. I would like to add my personal experience that it is so very freeing to know who I am, what I stand for, and how amazing the world is now to me. I love life, I have wonderful friends, although maybe not as many as when I was in the church, but the friends I have are genuine and not "cult-sunday-frinds".

Enjoy the journey because a journey equals life.