Please excuse any poor english or bad grammar. It wasn't my favorite subject.

BIC, RM, temple worker, married in temple; wife, all family and almost all friends are TBM. Enlightened/lost faith within last month.

Most days I've felt liberated. Freed from the chains of "be ye perfect" but thinking that "[all our words works and thoughts] will condemn us, we shall not be found spotless."

I don't even know how to organize all my thoughts on the issue. Maybe I just need to vent? Maybe I need validation? To those who have posted before: THANK YOU. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I was on the verge of nervous breakdown trying to resolve all the contradictions in doctrine by using only church materials.

I made the mistake of openly asking many in my family and several friends what to do about doubting the church.

I have been given conference talks, advised to pray, read, ponder, rely on my testimony, don't look at anti-mormon sites (which is funny, the biggest blow to my faith came from the Joseph Smith Papers and seeing for myself the changes in revelations between Book of Commandments and DC). They think I am too stressed with school right now. They think it just HAS to be a medication I am taking.

Some things they have said:
-You don't want to be together forever?
-I KNOW the church is true.
-Don't read crap on the internet.
-[family member] went through the same thing and still believes.
-Read [book] by [Apostle]
-Be careful, you might lose [wife] over this
-How long do you think your wife will want to be with someone not holding the priesthood?
-I thought I had a fairytale life, but not anymore-wife. This last one hurt.

I do understand where they are coming from. A year ago I would have reacted the same to anyone else in my family.

May I also say I feel so bad for the missionaries! They truly believe in what they are doing and they go through hell. I truly believed. I gave my heart mind and might. But it sucked! The desire I had to serve God was only surpassed by the guilt I felt for not being obedient enough to "Double Baptisms!" MP always told us if we were 100% obedient we would double baptisms. But its not about numbers... BULL. I would feel guilty about getting in bed at 10:31 when we were supposed to get in at 1030.

On the subject of fanatical missionary whatnot, I am ashamed to say I actually had this discussion with my comps a few times: "We aren't supposed to ever touch kids right? well what if one is falling down stairs?" And I remember not knowing what I would do. Just thinking about my mission brings back quite the Anxiety.

I've read so much church sponsored BS it makes me sick. The same quotes, scriptures and stories are used over and over and over. It feels like "Oh you have a concern about the church? Have faith keep the commandments and I KNOW the church is true."

Reading the true history of the church was a welcome change. For a while I kept thinking "well yeah BY said this, but it was a different time, just speculating... blah blah blah". When I finally entertained the thought that MAYBE JUST MAYBE Brigham Young wasn't a true prophet, what I thought was an incredibly strong testimony was gone within hours.

Ugh. I just feel like the church stole the first 25 years of my life! As a teenager I thought I was for sure going to hell, because sex sins are right up there with murder, and if you even think about lusting after a woman you are an adulterer. Well every time I passed Victorias secret in the mall, it reaffirmed to me: yep, I'm Telestial material.

It would be so much easier if it were true. If "my concerns" were resolved. But I can no longer "Look into the sun and deny it is there". I can no longer deny reason.

Sorry for the long post, I just had to say something. To quote Mugatu from Zoolander, "I feel like I'm taking Crazy Pills!" Will my family always look at me differently? Or will they start to look at the church differently? Okay I've got to stop.

Thanks for your courage, your words and your support.

RFM is an incredible resource for information and advice. Hang tight, it's coming. In the meantime, congratulations on figuring it out. I hope your wife is able to transition from a fairytale life to a real life.

I agree with iris. A fairy tale is something children believe in. Real life as a thinking adult is so much more wonderful and magical. Talk to her about what life could be, can be, if you face it together as truly free people, as a young couple in love with your whole life ahead of you.

As the lone apostate in my family, I think they will always look at me differently.
I don't have a TBM spouse though, that's really really tough.

Some marriage counselling might help her understand why hurtful things like "I don't have a fairytale anymore" aren't good things to say to the one you love, and help you communicate to her that your love for her hasn't changed, only what you want to do on Sundays.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2013 12:23PM by WinksWinks.

Welcome. You are a lucky man. Why. I was in for 40yrs.
You have time. Time to go slow with the wife. Time to let your mind run the full gamut of thoughts and emotions and those pesky conversations with others in your head that will probably never happen. You need time for that high speed train running in your head to slow down and hopefully roll peacefully into the station of rational thought and action.

Yeah we've been there.

I recommend a third party non-mo counselor for keeping the marriage intact. Again take it slow and show her that you love her more than the church but don't back down to accommodate her fears of being an apostate in real life and not the fairy tale priesthood holder. Tell her that you would rather have her in this life as a full and equal partner than to call her up from the grave like a possession in a supposed afterlife.

Good luck. We are here.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2013 12:38PM by AmIDarkNow?.

Have your wife read "No man knows my history" by Fawn Brodie. Or have her read some of the first-hand journals written by polygamist's wifes. Those things are historical and are church approved sources (not anti mormon material).

If she wont do that, then it's best to just wait it out and let her be.

Your story seems very similar to mine... except thankfully, my husband wasnt too hard to convince and would read and discuss things with me, which led us on the same path together.

Anyways, isnt it interesting being a BIC, TBM, RM, etc and then leaving?? Because, we know all the tricks of the trade. Me and my hubby laugh at things our TBM family says to us because we know exactly where they heard it. After general conference this year, my mom reached out to us. It was just so obviously after a talk about the lost sheep.

After you've been a TBM, other TBM's are just so damn predictable!

Since there are already more than enough people who will gladly beat you down, step aside and let their blows strike air. Be a true friend to yourself and forgive the ignorant because they just don't know any better. (end of sermon) :-)

The only people who would still argue that the Mormon church is "true" are those who do not understand DNA.

Also, when people are emotionally connected to Mormonism they often will not listen to reasonable voices.

Hopefully, your wife loves you more than she loves Mormonism.
If not, then you are up a creek.

Anon for now Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Most days I've felt liberated. Freed from the chains of "be ye perfect" but thinking that " will condemn us, we shall not be found spotless."

It's okay not to be perfect. You are not perfect. I am not perfect. None of us are. It is okay not to strive for perfection. In fact, it is probably healthier to give up that quest.

Not everyone in the world shares the cultural value of perfection. In some cultures, an artist will deliberately make a small "mistake" to a work of art. Nature is not perfect. The artists in those cultures want their works to reflect the imperfect, yet majestic beauty of nature.

In the same vein, it is okay to not have all of life's answers. It is okay to not know for sure. Becoming comfortable with ambiguity can be quite difficult when you have been thoroughly indoctrinated with the concept that not only are there firm answers, but that the Mormon church has a lock on those answers.

Will your TBM family always look at you differently? Probably, but it's not a certainty. will some of them eventually look at he church differently? Perhaps, but I wouldn't count on it.

Good luck to you and keep posting!

Take it SLOW, SLOW, SLOW. You have already outed yourself so the rain is coming. Hopefully you family is kind and understanding, but most have a few people who will harass you.

Take a deep breath. Treat your wife kindly. The church is crap. Take some time to get a grip on life. Most of us understand your emotions and they are totally normal. You just found out that you were betrayed by a church you believe was your foundation. Be angry, be mad, be sad. It will pass, but they are important parts of the grieving process. So take some time and be kind to yourself.

Reading books on building self esteem helped me. I recommend Feeling Good by David Burns.

You can take a deep dive into church history. Mormonthink.com is the best.

Do your best not to let you studies fall behind. You still need education and an income no matter if the church is true or not. My work suffered when I found out.

Brigham Young was a terrible asshole, so was Joesph Smith. When you look at the church from the point of view from an ex-mormon. They are pretty much range from deranged cruel asshole (BY/JS) to lying old men (GBH, TSM)

Just my 2 cents. Take it slow, be kind to yourself, be kind to your wife. Welcome to reality. It's not always pretty, but it's honest.

You are doing SO well. I am proud of you!! You will sort it all out step by step, and we are always here to help. Welcome to freedom!

Sorry things suck right now. I wish I could take all the stress and anxiety away. Remember to breathe, and, "just keep swimming," for awhile at least.

I remember feeling like my world was crumbling when I first accepted that it was all bogus.

As far as your relationship with your wife, try and see things from her perspective. Depending on her personality, etc. it might not be the best idea to unload everything all at once. Many people here on RfM have been through similar situations. Don't be shy about posting specific topics regarding your marriage.

Huge hug.

Take your time.

Consider half way forums like new order Mormon and stay LDS com for a while

If you don't have kids, put a hold on it until you get this all sorted out. Both parents (ideally) need to be on the same page.

All of the advice above is good. People here have been through it all. We know exactly where you're at, and how you feel. I hope your wife will come around.

She may not think that the next life is such a great fairytale as a mormon. Does she get that they believe she will just be one of many? For ETERNITY? I don't know any woman who thinks that's a good deal.

Thank you everyone for the responses.
I forgot to add one bit of information, my wife is expecting our first child the beginning of next year.

It just really sucks knowing that I've made huge decisions in my life (ie who to marry, when to have kids, what profession to go into, etc) based upon TSCC's teachings.

I got lucky with my immediate family. They are okay to skip church to go fishing somedays, they didn't force me to go, etc. My wife's family is one step away from polygamist: temple every week, force kids to go to YW/YM, have to wear pants on sunday (wtf?).

Its been tough but I'm doing okay. My wife... I think she is coming to grips with it. I'm still "working through it" as I say, which means I still wear garments but don't believe it anymore.

It is tough, but as many have said, it truly gets better with time.

A complication that you just added can be big. Hormones go crazy during pregnancy, so your wife may be particularly emotional now.

I think you have broken the code, though, and I can so relate to how shaking it is. I was a bishop, and was a well liked and well respected YM president in a large ward when I figured it all out. It was devastating. But two years later my wife is out, I'm out, and we LOVE life far more than when we were under the spell of Mormonism.

Best wishes to you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2013 10:11AM by left4good.

1) Avoid trying to convince TBMs that you are right, or justified in leaving the church. It won't work. They've got built in defenses against critical thinking. You're more likely to alienate them than convince them. Save your breath.

2) Try some well-placed questions, instead, to get them thinking. Like maybe: "What if the church wasn't true? How would you know?"

3) Assert your right to think for yourself, and read whatever you want. Why would a church that is true try to limit thinking and information? Truth and lies will eventually out themselves if you read enough. And why would the church use psychologically abusive methods to control members with guilt and fear over READING and THINKING? The church is AFRAID. It is suppressing information.

4) Set some boundaries. You don't have to discuss your beliefs, or lack thereof with ANYBODY but your wife. And even then, you don't have to share everything at once.

5) Go easy on your wife. Give her information slowly, and I recommend that you leave it up to HER to read what she wants. I recommend holding back and just giving her as much information as she can handle at a time. But make stuff available that will interest and bug HER, specifically. Like maybe stuff about polygamy.

6) Make sure she knows you love her, and treat her especially well while she's adjusting. Maybe do more things together, help around the house more, and help out a LOT after the baby is born. Be indispensable to her.

7) But still set boundaries. You are still a good person. You don't deserve to be treated as the bad guy.