I am 19 and living with my dad. My parents got a divorce because my mom is psycho (largely due to her abusive Mormon upbringing) so it is clear as to why I am staying with my dad. (For more background, my dad has never been affected much by religion. He is still religious but not a religious nut).

When I was younger I was very motivated. my parents were always proud of it. When I reached the middle of my teenage years, about my sophomore year of HS, I lost all motivation and became very lazy. My parents began pestering me about getting things done as any normal parent would. Towards the end of that phase just before I turned 18 my parents had a hectic divorce. I managed through it and started getting motivated again.

The divorce seemed to really affect my dad, understandably. But, in this time between late seventeen and now (less than a month away from 20), I began getting straight A's again and am attending the community college full time and I have two part time jobs and bought my own car, do my own laundry, clean my dishes, and frequently buy my own meals, yet he still acts like I'm doing nothing!

It bothers me a lot! I feel like he tries to find anything I'm not doing to say I'm not doing enough! For example, this past week (and a few other times these past months) I have been excessively busy and my room has gotten messy so he comes up to me says in a very stressed voice "you have to clean your room" and it is generally accompanied by "I can't live this way. I feel like I'm living in a pigsty." And even when I apologize and try to explain he justifies his reason and then makes me feel guilty about it.

One stressful reoccurring situation in particular is when he needs help doing something, he practically whines to me, and goes on about how he "needs help" and how "[he] can't keep doing EVERYTHING like this!" And how it's so stressful for him. But I never have said no! I always help him, but I can guarantee that when he needs help he will act like that and send me on a guilt trip. So does it even matter that I'm doing everything I can?

I just don't know what to do.

Clean your room.

Then move out.

Sounds like he is in a bad head space and is projecting his problems onto unaffiliated issues. I would be patient with him through this phase while he is dealing with the loss of life as he knew it. He will be fine. If you move out, be there for him. But don't be his punching bag.

Sounds like he's pretty depressed. Being depressed can make it hard to see any good. Also, there might be financial difficulties since the divorce that he is dealing with which can really add to his depression and stress. See if the school provides a counselor that you can talk to about it, they might have ideas for how to improve your relationship with him, or give you resources for moving out.

If the truth be known, kids need their moms, but dad's need their kids. It has to do with role playing. He may actually be fearful you will leave him, at a lonely junction in his life. Practice unconditional love, lots of high fives and suggest taking in a action movie together. Things will get better.

Projection of his anger, fear, anxiety, etc. onto you (displaced from your mother). He needs to go to counseling and work through his issues.

I would suggest you move away to college and move forward with your life in a positive way :) good luck.

You sound like you're a pretty decent "roommate" who keeps up after his own messes, even if you fall behind sometimes. These things happen.

I'm going to agree with the other posters that there may be some projection going on here. Sometimes I think men are more needy in terms of having someone around to take care of them, despite the fact that they are often put up as the authority, bread winner, leader of the home, the brick wall. You're all grown up and ready to leave the nest and his wife left too. You say she left because she's "psycho," as if this she is the one and only person to blame here. It takes two to tango, and perhaps she left because her husband was completely sucking the life out of her the way your father is doing to you now. He's scared to death of being left alone, and this is presenting itself in unrelated ways, largely bitching about you.

Your father could probably stand to benefit from some counseling, and you could probably benefit from some counseling as well, to help you maneuver through this difficult portion of your life. My suggestion would be to move out, which will eliminate some of your problems, but you're still going to have to work through some guilty feelings, abandonment feelings, your dad's emotions, even though it's really not your job or responsibility to carry your dad's problems. A good support system and and a professional counselor are good things to arm yourself with.

I agree with all of this.

My parents, especially my dad, did the same kind of projecting onto their kids when they split up. Remember that you are their child, not their parent, their whipping post, their psychologist, or their buddy. If your dad doesn't remember that, you are well within your rights to remind him gently, then more bluntly if that doesn't work.

I definitely second the recommendations that you move out if at all possible, and then get therapy for yourself to help navigate through this time.

Focus on becoming independent with the goal of no longer being a burden on your dad. Talk to him about depression and help him find a way to make treatment happen. Pick up the slack in terms of yard work and house work. Even if you can't clean all your room in one go, work on it for 15 minutes a day. Set a timer and just bust your butt -- see how much you can accomplish in 15 minutes. I call this "guerrilla cleaning." It's a great way to break up an overwhelming chore into a series of do-able tasks. Chipping away a bit at a time also results in instant gratification. Each day you can see obvious signs of progress made.

If you can't or won't go to school for whatever reasons (your business), then make sure you are gainfully employed and contributing to the house. You are an adult, so you should be able to put together some simple meals and pitch in with the rent, utilities, and groceries.

And taking your dad out to do some guy bonding activity is a great idea.

I just have two practical points about living arrangements.
1. You owe it to roommates (dad) to leave all common areas as you found them.
2. You're an adult, it's summer, if you are throwing dirty clothes and damp towels around your room and you don't change the sheets on your bed at least once a week, your room smells bad. It could smell bad enough that your dad is living with your smelly room even when the door to your room is closed.

I can't help but wonder if this isn't partly why he ended up divorced. Living with someone like that drives the people around them crazy.

You are essentially living in a roommate situation with your dad. So issues are coming up with him that would come up with roommates as well -- and cleaning is always a bone of contention.

Some things that you need to negotiate with him are *how* clean everything will be and how often rooms will be cleaned (dusting, sweeping, mopping, etc.) There is also yardwork to consider (mowing the lawn, tending to flowerbeds, etc.) Find a way to divide chores equitably.

When you live on your own one day, you can live as you wish. The desire to have more say in how you live is nature's way of pushing you out of the nest. :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2013 05:22PM by summer.

^^^this^^^

I was recently in this position w a significant others adult child. They mostly took care of their own stuff, but there were dishes, mopping, dusting, vacuuming, bringing in wood for the fireplace, and cleaning of their bathroom (when guests stayed) that did not get done by SO adult child. Not that they needed to do all that, but there is significant maintenance of chores that are communal. When parents get divorced and now its down to one to get it all done...if there still is a child at home it can b overwhelming.

Best advice is to sit down and work out a communal chore lust so he doesnt feel like hes doing it all and so you know (and can decide if its reasonable) what expectations are and time frames.

Good luck. sounds like you are doing a great job pursuing your goals and dreams!

Don't think it will be any different when you get a roommate. People all gripe about their roommates as much as their parents.

I can't think of a bigger waste of time than arguing about WHY a room is messy. It just is, why be so defensive about it? Yeah it's messy, figure out when and how you can do something about. Life is short and you have to pick your fights, why pick this one?



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2013 08:23PM by crom.

People who have romanic relationships with "Psycho" people are frequently codependent. He might have a habit of feeling persecuted and not realize it.

Instead of depending on one another. Clear up with you Dad what he expects in return for your room and board (and maybe tuition?) He might expect more than good grades paying for your own car and holding down a couple jobs. None of which directly benefit him. If he is paying of 50% of the food, all of the tuition and not charging rent, then he does deserve to expect a lot of help.

Figure out whether you would rather pay him the monetary amount that his help is worth, or provide him the help he wants.

On your side, he can't expect to make demands on you at any time. Set boundaries that let you live unenmeshed with his needs, like Friday nights and other set times belong to you unless there is a true emergency as defined by you. Or if you are paying $500 a month for your own room, and it doesn't stink, and you don't do loud dusturbing things, then you get to decide how clean it needs to be and he needs to give you notice before he goes in. If you are not paying anything for the room you should probably keep it as clean as he wants it. I still think you would still want private space where he can't just go in and out as he pleases.

Set aside time to enjoy each other and be helpful to each other.

But if you can't agree on and enforce the boundaries, you might consider moving out. Because of his personality and/or experience with your mom he might not be good at setting clear boundaries.

When you're an adult, nobody sings your praises for just doing your job. You only hear about it when you screw up or you save a dog from a burning building. Everything else is just same old same old. No standing ovations for cleaning dishes and doing laundry (especially when you are only doing your own).

I'm not there, so I can't judge. Maybe your Dad is demanding and whiny and has Borderline Personality Disorder. But on the other hand, maybe you're a narcissist, who resents doing stuff for other people and demands constant adulation for cleaning his own dirty dish. From the above info it could be either way. I don't know what the right advice is.

How constant are your Dad's demands? What kind of stuff is he asking you to do? How many hours per week of your time does it take up? Is he rolling in cash and could easily hire someone for this stuff? Do you two spend more time arguing about petty chores than the chores take to complete? How much per month does it cost your Dad to keep you in his home? How affordable is this for him after the divorce?



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2013 08:40PM by crom.

My suggestion would be to have a discussion about what his expectations are from you and what you expect from him.
Create a chore list, for instance.

He is apparently responding to expectations he has of you that you are unaware of or don't agree with.

You can solve this by writing down some rules for agreement for living together.

You are his son, living under his roof, etc. So, it's more likely he is going to be demanding about what he expects.

It boils down to what he expects and what you expect and getting a clear understanding on how to make the situation work.