I blame myself for having believed Church leaders who told me lies about Joseph Smith and the history of Mormonism. I really should have been more alert to the possibility that they were knowing liars.
As for faith -- it is still an important part of my life. I have faith that my wife really will continue to love me. I have faith that we are all part of a vast, wonderful and incredibly complex existence.
Sometimes I go a little overboard, and blame myself for all the injustice and suffering in the universe. But then the mood passes and I recall that it is egotistical to let Vedantist Philosophy have that much influence in life.
There are a lot of people who filled me in on what's going on with mormonism.
I have to give a lot of credit to Richard Packham though. He was the one who put out the information that not only convinced me, but also my husband.
As a result DH and I left together. My worst nightmare would have been my husband staying and me not being able to do that.
Nightmare didn't happen. Thanks Richard
At the same time, cannot ignore Steve Benson. He certainly had an influence in my decision. Also John Dehlin, and all of the historians that wrote about mormon history.
The one who had the MOST influence though was Joseph Smith. He totally and completely convinced me that he was a con man and a pervert. Too bad the Mormons themselves can't get up the courage to tell the real story about that piece of slime. If you know Joe, you will never be a Mo.
Pedophile Smith Jr., but probably T.G. Madsen for giving me the impression it would be good to look into the life of P.S. Jr., as a way of strengthening my testimonkey. That isn't the case.
My personal *Jesus*, who kept telling me that MORmONS are ( FUCKING ASSHOLES and GOD DAMN LIARS that He can't stand) not all that they claim to be, not even close. After so many years of being subjected to the cruelty and abuse of my MORmON male parent and his MORmON church in the name of MORmON Jesus -who my personal Jesus can't stand, I finally had to admit that my Jesus was entirely correct.
A high councilman who was with me on a work project. I was familiar with this man who was very highly regarded by most members as a spiritual giant who knew everything about "the gospel" and was very outspoken.
At some point during the evening it was just the two of us working on a fence out in a field away from everyone else. Somehow the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith became the topic of discussion... And in one quick jab of a sentence he started me on my journey.
He said: "Joseph Smith was a whoremonger."
Five words. Just five words.
My reply was one of astonishment. I simply asked him to explain his comment, which he proceeded to do in a very detailed manner.
Within 15 minutes I knew Joseph Smith was a polygamist. Abused young girls and even married other mens wives. When I say I KNEW, I mean it. This man detailed names, dates, accounts and the sources of those accounts.
This man was committed and believed all of these things to be true. He later informed me that he didn't let these facts lead him to doubt the truthfulness of "the gospel."
Needless to say I didn't either–right away. Other incidents with leaders led me to determine if there was any hope for members who fell away and left the church. Could they find happiness?
Then I found Mormon Stories...
The chicken was in the pot and John Dehlin said "cook it."
A career in quality assurance, where I spent my days picking apart products to ensure they were 99.999% reliable. Then realizing that I had yet to turn such a critical eye on my religion, which was the foundation for my whole life's decision-making paradigm. A large chunk of what I did was analyzing behavioral paths leading to failure conditions -- on other words, determining *why* people make the choices they do.
Special thanks to Richard Packham, who explains everything in such an agreeable, matter-of-fact way that made the information presented easy to digest.
Also to William Law, who though long dead, proved the inspiration for further research. Trying to figure out why he behaved the way he did (I went so far as to track down the only library copy of his journal available in Utah County) led me to understand better what happened in Nauvoo.
And to Todd Compton, whose "In Sacred Loneliness" is a dry, analytic account of some of the most heart-wrenching and tragic relationships on the frontier. It was reminiscent of reading crime reports, where the jargon and lack of emotion mask the pain and tragedy underlying the events.
I've enjoyed the works of a few individuals here. Steve Benson has provided some fascinating insider insight to church operations, and he cites his sources. I may not always agree with his conclusions, but his research is always compelling.
I have the likes of Ed Decker and his evangelical jagoff friends for staying in the church as long as I did. Their shoddy workmanship and obvious agenda masked the real problems underlying Mormonism for a long time.
There are those who are influential -- such as the Tanners -- in the Mormonism scholarly world, but I've not yet read any of their work.
His wives (other guys wives, girls, twins, mother daughter combos). Book of "Abraham" Felony convictions Pedophilia Manipulations Drinking Shooting at people. Sending others to shoot at people. Threatening (Emma mostly, with "Shall Be Destroyed" but also Helen Mar Kimball).
Paul H Dunn was a key figure.
Temple blood oaths were an accelerant.
Spencer W Kimball "The Miracle of Forgiveness" was actually the condemnation of humanity.
I blame my TBM, Utah, Mormon-Royalty, RS Prez MIL. If it weren't for her shining example of busy-body nosiness, I might never have discovered the "true" church!
I'd have to lay some of the blame(read: credit) on the feet of M. Russell Ballard. During a priesthood GC session on my mission, he told us missionaries that when we got home we needed to understand that we were released from our missions, not released from the church.
What that did was establish a precedent from the 15 itself that leaving was an option. Up till that point I knew I was dissatisfied with moism and planned on leaving eventually. He basically encouraged me to leave ASAP.
Otherwise it was that first kid I talked to on day 1 with the AP's. I was supposed to be learning to aggressively hassle people about their moral choices, but all I could think was how on earth did I know what was best for that kid? I hated the aggressiveness of those AP's and was embarrassed to be seen with them. They were so cluelessly out of touch. I never used their aggressive style and did not like baptizing people.
Joseph Smith, because he couldn't get one simple story straight. Who, What, When and Where are the elements of a good story. The story he told varied from version to version in all four elements. I don't think that could happen if you were telling a true story.
Daniel C. Peterson was the first Mormon I ever heard admit the vicious antimormon lie that the BoM was translated by a seerstone in a hat. That sent me looking and discovering what would collapse my already sagging shelf.
My Bishop was hugely instrumental in showing me that to the church I was a commodity, that it didn't matter what I read by whom as long as I performed my duties and honored my covenants, and that it was a sin to learn the truth about the church or to believe past prophets.
My shelf was sagging, sometimes my faith was flagging, but I was wholly unprepared for the proof that sent me bagging. Thanks guys!
A better question (ala Robert Millet) or the question that should have been asked.
This thing falls apart like a good crescent roll with any real and serious questioning.
Yes, there is better communication today through improved technology.
There has been a strenuous effort by LDS Inc to conceal its history.
However, as a BIC of 'pioneer stock', though this history was actively hidden, my relatives should have been living through it.
Someone, somewhere along my long ancestry should have called BS. It is not as though it was hidden in obscure libraries, they were actually living there.
A loss of some concocted faith is less important than discovery of truth. However, it should have happened better than a century ago, and I should not have been BIC, because someone in my family should have been paying at least a little attention.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/15/2013 11:11AM by deco.
Abraham Lincoln and my study of history (mostly American) with many books' timelines during the 1800s. AL signed the Morrill Anti-Bigamy Act of 1862. Lights went on. What about the 12th Article of Faith? Even though Utah was only a territory, it was subject to the laws of the US. I always hated the thought of polygamy when I was growing up and into adulthood so tried to ignore the subject when studying church history. I knew JS was a polygamist but didn't know the extent to which he lived it. Then I learned about the anti-polygamy laws in place when JS lived and I thought how could one organize a church with 13 articles of faith and not at least live those articles? It didn't make sense to me.
There were many other discoveries/events that soured my feelings for the church and the church leadership like Prop. 8, and even with that it still took me another year and a half to determine I'd had enough.