Thanks for the advice so far it has been helpful. I'm just really lost here and I am not sure what to do about this situation.

I guess what I am looking for is how common is it for the abuse to happen again?

Would you leave someone after they attack you once?

Would you ask your family member to leave someone if they attacked your family member once?

My husband has never hit me. If he intentionally hurt me, intending to be mean, no matter how small the slap, I would leave him. We have been married 7 years.

My grandpa was being abused by a tiny little slip of an old lady, she would slap his ear, which is massively painful and leaves no marks. It is potentially deafening.
The rest of our family only found out about it shortly before she died, but there were plans being laid to get him away from her. It is never okay.

I would give her this one chance but only on condition of getting a lot of professional help. It is kind to give a second chance, but she should also prove that she deserves it.

You need to educate YOURSELF about domestic violence. You keep asking the same question over and over. The answers you're getting aren't going to change. In the link I provided on your previous thread (which you clearly didn't read), they discuss what you are asking (yet again). Here is SOME of the text from that link, if you choose to actually read it.

http://www.womensshelterslo.org/get-informed/cycle-of-violence
"[...]
Reconciliation
This phase is characterized by a calm, non-violent, or loving period of time. During this phase, the abuser may take some responsibility for his/her behavior, thus giving the partner hope for changes. The abuser may beg for forgiveness, promise not to do it again, promise to get help, give gifts, etc.

The Calm, also known as the 'Honeymoon Phase'
The incident of abuse if forgotten, this is the 'normal' phase of the relationship. This is the most dangerous phase of the cycle of violence. During this phase, the victim can be drawn back in by the batterer’s 'good behavior' and often has a false hope restored that the batterer will change. The victim sees the batterer as the person they fell in love with.

If there is no intervention and the relationship continues, there is a very high possibility the violence will escalate and the severity will increase.
The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.

It is important to remember that not all intimate partner violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the ‘making-up’ and ‘calm’ stages disappear. Once violence has begun, it characteristically increases in frequency and severity."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/15/2013 11:44AM by Surrender Dorothy.

Yeah. All of this.
I no longer think you should just give her another chance. After what you described as the "provocation"(there is none, by the way, this is just her excuse) I think this is probably a pattern with her that is not going to stop.
If she doesn't actively seek help, promises don't count, you should not count on this not happening again.

Wow really interesting read. Especially this part.

"As the relationship continues, the demands (mental, emotional, and physical) increase along with the stress. There is an increase in aggressive behavior, usually towards objects rather than the partner. Examples of this are punching doors, throwing objects, etc. Emotional and mental abuse begins during this time. This abuse is characterized by comments about what the partner wears, the partner’s friends and family, and obsessive jealousy becomes increasingly obvious. The batterer may try to justify the jealousy by stating the jealousy shows how much the partner is loved."

The day before she hit me she throw a glass at the floor. She got mad that day because I invited some friends over for an hour or so to pre drink before the concert (this was a 2 day concert). My friends wanted to go early but my GF wouldn't be ready on time. I wanted to hang out with them for a bit before they went to the concert. My GF was in the bedroom getting ready while I was in the kitchen with my friends. I told my GF I wouldn't leave without her and when my friends left I would wait until she was ready to go. She didn't like that and things escalted and she throw a glass.

Also while my friends were over they wanted to make sure we could meet them up at the concert. My friends phone was going to die so I decided to get a number from my buddies friend. While I was getting a number from him this girl that was there said I could get her number too. My GF was just done getting ready by this time and this was done in front of her.

When they left my GF started saying how ugly that girl was and how dare she try to give me her number. She was saying how ugly her face was. I said to my GF that her face was the most redeeming part of her but I wasn't attracted to her. So my GF got really mad at that too.

I think I should clarify that I didn't get this girls number and I ignored her request.

Even if you had gotten the girl's number, THAT does not justify abuse.

I worked with battered women, and a lot of what you are exhibiting is very familiar. You want to believe the best about her. You want to think this was an anomaly. You want to think her word combined with some will power on her part is enough to rein her in. It's not.

If you come from a family-of-origin where you experienced or witnessed abuse, you are vulnerable to being drawn to the emotional makeup of a batterer--not because you want to be abused or you like it--but because it is FAMILIAR.

From your first thread, even if you were being a jerk when you were drinking, it doesn't justify or excuse her hitting you. You may have some work to do on yourself to improve communication skills or learn ways to be assertive, but nothing justifies hitting another person in anger or frustration.

The jealousy is very concerning and that will only get worse as she becomes more possessive. Without counseling and some hard work, she will not magically change. If it were me, I wouldn't wait around to see if she keeps her word. She won't. You deserve better, my dear.

Thankyou :)

The only abuse I can think of that would be fimiliar would be from the mormon church.

If I didn't feel the spirit at a meeting than it was my fault.

If I had doubts about the mormon church than it was my fault because I masturbate.

If the priesthood blessing doesn't work than I didn't have enough faith.

So yes I do think I have suffured from abuse in the past.

I will make a long story short........LEAVE NOW!!!!!!!!

You do not tell what state you live in, but in CA, the police always, ALWAYS take the side of the woman. So even if she initiates an attack and you defend yourself and somehow scratch her, she calls the police and you are in County jail so fast, it will make your head swim. You get your picture in the paper and depending upon the employment, possibly loose your job.

I don't care how good the 'lay' is, you can always find someone who can do it better or different or both.

I think I should clarify that I didn't get this girls number and I ignored her request.

That only increases the irrationality of your girlfriends reaction.

She told me she throw a glass at her mom one time.

So it does seem like she has a history of the abuse. These are the only ones I know of though.

I tend to be pretty reticent to give advice on whether or not to end a relationship.

But in this case it really sounds to me like your girlfriend is not in a place that she is ready to be in one. She just doesn't seem to be bringing a healthy, full person to the relationship. I can't see that it will go anywhere good and it seems like she needs to work on herself for a bit.

Best of luck on whatever you decide, but for me it would have been a dealbreaker.

Let me join my voice to the chorus of those saying LEAVE AND LEAVE NOW!

I've been in your shoes, and it's not a place I will EVER be again. I survived. You can too. This relationship you describe is not a healthy and will crush your spirit if you let it. You deserve better. Believe it and respect yourself enough to walk away. Good luck.

is an indicator that someone has a temper that they can't control.

It's a frightening behavior, and in my opinion, an implied threat. If this person gets mad, something or someone is going to get hurt.

Leopards can't change their spots ... so run like Hell , now.

+1

She tried to call the cops over at the show?? Dude, drama. Unstable. Don't show her this is an OK way to act. That is definitely a sign she IS capable of hurting herself then blaming it on you.

GET OUT. Your follow up explanation makes the sitch way way worse. And thank yr lucky stars you only wasted a year.

I think this is a made up as you go story just for laughs.

Here we are, "anal"ysing a situation in which BOTH parties have issues. Does it occur to anyone this woman feels threatened by his so called, "I would never hurt her", perspective while being drunk, but realizing the verbal and emotional abuse that is OBVIOUSLY there since she is feeling so threatened?

As men, we have a tendency to believe the absence of physical abuse justifies anything, but women DON'T WORK THAT WAY! Verbal and emotional abuse, especially when drunk, does NOTHING to enhance and secure a loving environment that women need to function to their maximum capabilities. If a woman FEELS the need to physically defend herself, OR, acts out self injury it's because of the threat they feel and condemn themselves, believing the horrific words coming from their supposedly supporting other half MUST BE TRUE, or THEY WOULDN'T BE SAYING THEM!

Open your eyes and LOOK at what YOU are contributing to this emotionally disruptive behavior! It takes TWO to tango. If you want to point the judgmental finger in her direction, remember there are still 3 fingers pointing BACK AT YOU! The AWFULNESS you see in her is actually but a judgment you have about yourself.

TAKE A LOOK and GET HONEST WITH YOURSELF instead of just being a "VICTIM" in this game you are playing with her. If going your separate ways is the result, then look at the lesson and see, "THE PRICE OTHERS, (AND YOU), ARE PAYING TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ......YOU!!!!

This lesson can serve you well if you're willing to see the accountable side of it.

Oh you want to play blame the victim here?

Do tell what makes you think he is emotionally or verbally abusive.
All we have to go on is his side of the story, so why would you leap to the girlfriend's defense? Really, why us that your first reaction?

Well I wasn't drunk when the incident happened. I was in no way threating her and I wouldn't even think of it. I do not get in physical fights and I have no record of it.

I will admit that I have gotten too drunk in the past. and I have been a dick to her while I was drunk. I don't remember it because I drank to much and I am going off her story. I never did hit her though.

I'm still trying to figure out handling my drinks. I'm still kind of new to this drinking thing and I wish I learned it a long time ago.

I don't drink to often either. Maybe about once a month or so.

I don't know how you can put the blame on me. I know you havent heard her side of the story but there is no point to me lying to random strangers on the internet. I came here and told what happened and I am looking for advice.

Even if we assume that bobthetaxman is right it still illustrates that the relationship is toxic and should be exited.

Also when did she feel threatened? Why are you jumping to conclusions that I threatened her. I never once threatened her. This is very odd...

If you think this ( having to respond to conjecture) feels odd now, just wait until you have to throw out this line of questions as an attempt to defend yourself when talking to the police about things.


Oh and BTW, the police will very FIRMLY remind you that THEY are ones that get to ask questions, NOT you.

if you think you feel odd now........

Bobthetaxman Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Here we are, "anal"ysing a situation in which BOTH
> parties have issues. Does it occur to anyone this
> woman feels threatened by his so called, "I would
> never hurt her", perspective while being drunk,
> but realizing the verbal and emotional abuse that
> is OBVIOUSLY there since she is feeling so
> threatened?

verbal and emotional abuse is *OBVIOUSLY* there *because* she feels threatened ? REALLY ?

that was really cute, the way you composed the spelling of "anal"ysing ..... and then how you went on to so fully demonstrate it! here is another one you should add to your "anal"ytical repertoire: "ASSumptions" from the base word "ASSume" and the action of "ASSuming".



> As men, we have a tendency to believe the absence
> of physical abuse justifies anything,

Funny thing, the absence of physical abuse seems like it SHOULD preclude going to jail and being prosecuted for physical abuse..... thats just part of the "anything" everything of an "absence of physical abuse" that most men would like to feel "justified" in.


> but women
> DON'T WORK THAT WAY! Verbal and emotional abuse,
> especially when drunk, does NOTHING to enhance and
> secure a loving environment that women need to
> function to their maximum capabilities.

.....well except for in the instance of those really sick psychotic women who intermittently get really turned on by that sick sort of thing (and they are out there) ..... They have to have that sort of thing in order to function at "maximum capabilities"

> If a
> woman FEELS the need to physically defend herself,
> OR, acts out self injury it's because of the
> threat they feel and condemn themselves, believing
> the horrific words coming from their supposedly
> supporting other half MUST BE TRUE, or THEY
> WOULDN'T BE SAYING THEM!

..... OR it might just be because they are crazy......

> Open your eyes and LOOK at what YOU are
> contributing to this emotionally disruptive
> behavior! It takes TWO to tango.

It does take two people to maintain a couple..... but it only takes one person in the couple to really mess things up!!!!


the person formerly known as my wife chose to feel threatened above and beyond any reason and or reality. She, just like anyone, was/is entitled to her feelings, but not entitled to have them and have our relationship at the same time.
I totally respected her right to have her feelings....
by getting rid of her! NOW she can feel as threatened as she pleases ALL BY HER LONESOME SELF, or with whatever idiot that she can find to accompany her in her state of unjustified consummate victim hood and attendant feelings of being threatened, which will not include me.
Funny thing, she isn't any happier now in getting her way that she demanded..... but I certainly am !!!!

> If you want to
> point the judgmental finger in her direction,
> remember there are still 3 fingers pointing BACK
> AT YOU! The AWFULNESS you see in her is actually
> but a judgment you have about yourself.

OR Maybe it was just the awfulness in her. Maybe he never wanted to point any fingers at anybody, just like he never wanted to hit anyone.... and has not. Funny how you so automatically ASSume that all people just naturally want to do those accusatory things that you mentioned ........ but you are right about one thing -after knowing what she is really like, IF he is still around her, THEN he has no one to blame but himself.

>
> TAKE A LOOK and GET HONEST WITH YOURSELF instead
> of just being a "VICTIM" in this game you are
> playing with her.
> If going your separate ways is
> the result, then look at the lesson and see, "THE
> PRICE OTHERS, (AND YOU), ARE PAYING TO BE IN A
> RELATIONSHIP WITH ......YOU!!!!

well, that's just the Hell of life -sometimes, unfortunately, we have to play the game, for just a little while at least, to figure out what the rules really are, especially when we are young.

>
> This lesson can serve you well if you're willing
> to see the accountable side of it.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/15/2013 05:34PM by lucky.

"AT FIRST THE TRUTH WILL ALWAYS PISS YOU OFF, THEN IT BECOMES APPARENT."

For those that enjoyed lambasting my earlier response, take a look at the next comment from anono. Admission to being drunk, being abusive, then acknowledging her responses.

What's the most important part here is the acknowledging that BOTH of them are actually innocent participants in a vicious game. They are BOTH reacting in ways that seem to be the best at the moment, even the radical self inflicted wounding was an act brought out in a desperate move seeking love. Drinking too excess is an escape mechanism in facing a fearful belief HE has in his life.

To claim to know ANY truth about this relationship requires more than the idle chat and bantering on this forum. Judgments are but our initial reactions based on our perspectives.

BOTH of these people could stand some serious questioning of their individual beliefs, counseling, and an opportunity to experience forgiveness; not just for the other participant, but for themselves.

HOW WE SEE OURSELVES IS HOW WE SEE THE WORLD. The events in life are not accidents. There are road signs on the path leading to the eventual discovery of the truth of "WHAT" we are instead of the tortured "WHO" we think we are. Each and every one of us came from the same cookie dough, and while each cookie can look different, be taller, smaller, heavier, lighter or darker, we are still the same.

Astute observation and quick sidestepping are important. But putting blame where it's due means the responsibility is on perpetrators and not their slow to act victims.

I was a battered wife for 14 months. Like you, I denied anything was really wrong. He was just under pressure. I excused him. His Bishop/SP/Mission President father used to beat him with a strap. There were holes in the strap that would cause painful welts. The poor brute had scars. My ex would often quote D & C 132 while beating me. He felt justified. He blamed me, and I took the blame. I had been abused and tortured by an older brother, all through my childhood, until I left home. By TBM parents were in denial about my brother, and they didn't protect me from him. I grew up feeling that I was "expendable" and not worth protecting.

Your situation could destroy your self-esteem. You don't deserve to be assaulted! This is a crime. This woman knows you are too good for her--and you are! An attack by a "loved one" cannot be justified. One of my worse beatings was when the oven broke, and his Sunday roast beef was undercooked. I finished cooking it at a neighbor's, but dinner was still LATE. He broke my jaw, and my arm, and I had to go to the hospital. This was not his first beating. he beat me every few days, for no reason that I could detect. He would walk into the apartment already in a rage, sometimes. He was sicky-sweet, until the day we got married in the temple--then the monster came out, that afternoon. I was not his first victim, either. Your girlfriend threw a glass at her mother.

There is nothing you could do or say, to have a humane relationship with your horrible girlfriend. Nothing. Even a psychiatrist could not help her be someone a husband or children could get along with. Only 2% of abusers are "cured." Of the 2% that stop physically abusing, they still have their emotional problems, and they still have their bad attitude and temper. Basically, she has a personality disorder, and there is no such thing as "anger management." Her future is very bleak.

LEAVE NOW! That's my vote. Be careful how you leave. If you try to explain why, she will just manipulate you further. She will accuse you. It will be ugly. I had witnesses to his beatings and my injuries, who testified in court. I had to flee to another city, and change my name, and get a restraining order for me (in case he found me) and for my family, at their house, too. He found another naive TBM girl within a few weeks, and she became his next temple wife and victim. There was another temple wife, after she divorced him. Abusers NEVER STOP ABUSING.

If you can't break away emotionally, ask yourself if you want children with this woman. It would be horrible to have your children beaten.

Sorry for what you are going through. I've been there. Oh, and you need to know that your girlfriend DOES NOT LOVE YOU. Abusers are incapable of love, but they are good at pretending.

Wow I am so sorry this happened to you. This story did help me and I realize I must end this. If what you say is true I feel sorry for her. I hope she can figure this out for herself.

Glad you had the courage to leave and survive.