My husband and I left the church recently after months of studying the truth. We feel very at peace with our decision. We immediately met with our bishop to let him know of our disbelief and to release us from our callings. We then told our families. We live out of state from everyone, so that wasn't too bad via email. Since letting the cat out of the bag a month ago, it has been very lonely. We didn't have any close friends in our ward because we have only lived here for a year. After the initial phone calls from our parents/siblings to discuss our "apostasy" we haven't heard from anyone. I am extremely depressed right now. I feel insulted that our parents and siblings were so "sad" for us & yet there has been no effort to see how we're doing emotionally with this huge life transition (not to mention for our 4 young kids). No concern of our mental states & if we are just in need of some kindness and support. What happened to love? My husband's parents just left for a 3 yr. stint as mission presidents so our only contact is a weekly letter that is sent to everyone (their siblings, friends, us kids, etc.). They have always cared more about the church. My parents never called me much anyway, and haven't since the news. My mom has never been a nurturing, supportive mother ever. I am just feeling really sad and hurt that our leaving the church is more traumatizing for them than any concern/love for us. I wasn't that bitter before, but becoming more angry and bitter toward the church. It is supposed to be a family church & I feel the Kardashian clan places more importance on the family than any mormon family I know! I am sad for our kids who have no other support besides us. No grandparents, aunts/uncles that pay attention to them. I can't believe no one is reaching out to us.

Given that your parents have always been rather distant, and that you are venturing into territory that is unknown to them, you are probably expecting more than they can deliver.

You will need to look to others for emotional support. This board can be helpful in that regard, but you will want to cultivate IRL relationships as well. I know that it can be very difficult when you move. Do you feel comfortable stating where you are living at present? There are many exmo groups that meet up on a periodic basis.

There are also lots of community clubs, groups, etc. that can also be potential sources of new friendships. If you give us an idea of your interests and hobbies we can come up with some ideas for you.

Post here whenever you are feeling down. The board is active 24/7, and someone will respond to you. There are so many people here who have been where you are now. I want you to have hope that things will get better for you.

I know that this hurts you and your husband, and I am sorry. This often happens, and when it does, it is always painful.

You have to remember that, in "coercive groups" (which the TSCC is), the GROUP is the important thing--not any of the individuals involved (except, perhaps, for those at the very highest levels of the pyramid). All the individuals below those very-highest levels are important to the group ONLY insofar as they contribute to the group. When they stop contributing, they cease being "owed" respect, consideration, love, etc. because they no longer qualify as "fully human" by the group's standards.

To you, your family members were (and are) family members FIRST: people you care about, and people you want to care about you.

But because they are still IN the group, to them you have become--in ways they would be loath to admit or recognize--"outsiders."

Your blood and marital and the affectional ties you shared with each other simply don't matter as much as your continuing status as members of the group. When this ceases, you can become something like a recognized source of infection: a bacteria, or virus, or fungus that could possibly be contagious and infect THEM.

Or other current members of the group who are not your family members, but whose exit from the group would be felt as a loss to your individual family members.

This literally has NOTHING to do with "you" as a human being. You are still the "same" person...and they are all still the "same" people, but you have become (to them) a possible source of danger and destruction, because if YOU left, then THEY might leave...or other people influenced by you might leave...and then the group would be weakened, and eventually, would die.

This is a very primitive way of looking at the world, and it very likely goes back untold thousands of years (and for good reason). Back then, survival was the primary consideration of everyone, first and foremost.

Since then, those of our species who do NOT live in cults or in cult-like situations, have developed OTHER priorities and ways of looking at life (like valuing love, affection, and family/friends ties above those of sheer group survival).

But for those of our species who live in cults, the VERY old ways predominate in their lives and in the ways their brains work.

Right now, and regardless of how much they love you and how much you love them, you (from their standpoint) carry a highly contagious "disease" that could threaten their group's survival.

And so, as human beings have done for eons of time, they have closed ranks to protect themselves against threats to what they perceive as their OWN "survival."

This is spot on.

Having been a disease for my family for some time, I concur it is lonely and hard. I don't have any advise. It sucks.

Don't wait for THEM to talk to you. YOU can initiate conversations. Just be your true self whilst avoiding the topic of religion (and politics, since many a Mormon's politics are based upon religion, eg. gay marriage). If they were to ignore me, I personally would go in for the kill with a well-placed "I can't believe it. You don't love me anymore. You only love me when I'm perfect. F**k you and your hypocritical gospel of love. A (Muslim, Atheist, or whatever religious group your family has strong negative stereotypes against) could love me far more than a Mormon like you EVER could."

Depending on the circumstances, of course, this could jolt some self-awareness in your family.

It sounds like you need to make some new friends. The world is filled with people who would enjoy being your friend.

I believe the church is intentionally set up so that members are left without family and friends if they reject the church. They make the church the social hub and keep members constantly involved in church-centered things so they have little opportunity to make social connections unrelated to the church. Leave the church and, poof, they're left like you. Then the church sits back and hopes you'll be lonely enough to come back.

Look at it from a different perspective . Be glad this isn't the 19th century in Utah where escape was impossible . Literally and physically . In fact BY may have already put out a contract on your whole family and way of life .

It's difficult to leave a cult.

While you're feeling low it's important to get out of the house and seek new interests. Think about what you've thought about learning or doing if you only had the time.

You've left a time consuming cult. This new time in your life is a precious gift.

How about signing up for an adult education class? Learn French cooking or a new language. Explore the hiking trails in your area. Take up bird watching. List all of the museums in your area and visit each one. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or hospital.

Good luck.

Remember you're not alone. We've all gone through this and have survived and prospered. You can do it too.

Welcome to home.

Lots of friends here.

This empty, lonely feeling will pass.

All the best to you guys,

Breedum

Welcome to our club. It gets better by and by. Generally. People get used to it and everybody moves on. But rules and by-laws may have to be established if relatives and friends start acting all Mormon-crazy and love-bombing and all.

Does it occur to you that the chief reason tscc retains at least some members isn't because they were raised in it and can't function in the greater world? Marry other Mormons not so they can do CK together but because they share the same repression and guilt that no one else can completely comprehend?

If you have any faith left find another denomination of church because, no, no mainstream church controls and manipulates to the extreme tscc does. Try several and don't be afraid to change till you find the right one for you and your family.

It sucks to see your kids mistreated or ignored. My heart goes out to you. For what it's worth now, stay strong and eventually your family will come back around. Age has a way of doing that especially to parents.

morganizedreligion Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My husband and I left the church recently after
> months of studying the truth. We feel very at
> peace with our decision. We immediately met with
> our bishop to let him know of our disbelief and to
> release us from our callings. We then told our
> families. We live out of state from everyone, so
> that wasn't too bad via email. Since letting the
> cat out of the bag a month ago, it has been very
> lonely. We didn't have any close friends in our
> ward because we have only lived here for a year.
> After the initial phone calls from our
> parents/siblings to discuss our "apostasy" we
> haven't heard from anyone. I am extremely
> depressed right now.


and THAT is exactly what LDS INC was counting on !!!!!

> I feel insulted that our
> parents and siblings were so "sad" for us & yet
> there has been no effort to see how we're doing
> emotionally with this huge life transition (not to
> mention for our 4 young kids). No concern of our
> mental states & if we are just in need of some
> kindness and support. What happened to love?

Ummmm... What love? MORmON *love* is NOT real love, just like so many other MORmON versions of things not being real, like; Christ, apostles, scripture, prophets,

So, you are asking about love that was never there.

> My
> husband's parents just left for a 3 yr. stint as
> mission presidents so our only contact is a weekly
> letter that is sent to everyone (their siblings,
> friends, us kids, etc.).

All things considered, in a MORmON context, that's a lot.
Better enjoy if that's what you really need, because that's probably all that you are going to get.

> They have always cared
> more about the church.

...... REALLY ?...... ( sorry for the sarcasm.... (kind of))
So, you really do understand the situation.


> My parents never called me
> much anyway, and haven't since the news. My mom
> has never been a nurturing, supportive mother
> ever. I am just feeling really sad and hurt that
> our leaving the church is more traumatizing for
> them than any concern/love for us. I wasn't that
> bitter before, but becoming more angry and bitter
> toward the church. It is supposed to be a family
> church & I feel the Kardashian clan places more
> importance on the family than any mormon family I
> know!

Well if this keeps up then your problem will cure itself, you wont feel so lost as you realize any direction is OK as long as it moves away from a cult style life / MORmONISM.


> I am sad for our kids who have no other
> support besides us. No grandparents, aunts/uncles
> that pay attention to them. I can't believe no
> one is reaching out to us.

when they are done punishing you, perhaps they will reach out, but when they do, IF they do, it will certainly be based on MORmON ulterior motives.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGEyKCS7-is

My two cents is to read some uplifting books as a family like Feeling Good by David Burn, New Earth by Eckard Tolle. I know for me I had a void of self-esteem after I left. The church doesn't teach self-worth outside of a church context. Learn about unconditional love, it much better then the churches version of it.

I also think you need to make sure you are making new friends. Find meetup groups in your area on something that interest you. Look for fun events in your local paper. Get outside and do something fun. Go watch some movies with your family.

I also find that exercise is important. Start walking nightly as a family just once around the block. Do you enjoy sports, look for opportunities to play (clubs, meetups, family game night, community centers).

Just some ideas. We understand what you're going through. The new friends you will make will be on much more solid ground then being based on a fake church.

Good luck, it gets better with time and you will be happier then you ever were.

It is natural to be unhappy when you are not feeling supported, especially by those whom you were close to. But try to be strong.

Do good care of yourself - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually - and ensure that your family is also doing that.

There are many good people out there, in this world. You can build new, truly loving friendships with people who really support you.

A bona fide faith teaches its followers to love all. While not all accept this, there are many people of faith who do. Remember this.

That's too bad. With Mormons, it always seems to be ABOUT THEM.

It might help to give it some time. Mormon programming affects one's ability to act like a normal human being. Your family probably think you were tempted by the devil or deceived or whatever. They don't know what to make of it all.

For the next while, you may have to be the one that initiates family interactions. Try sending a family member a personal email or connect with someone via phone. Talk about what you are up and ask them what's going on in their lives. Help them understand that you are normal and living a normal life (and not out burning down churches and worshiping Satan). For now, try to stay away from church-related topics in your interactions. If they bring up Mormony stuff, just say, "I don't really want to get into any religious debates. I would rather talk about what's going on in your life as we live so far apart."

From you message, it seems that you were never really close to your family. I think that makes it twice as hard for you as you are suffering from pre-reveal and post-reveal abandonment. This board can be a great resource to vent or seek out assistance, however, no one here is a professional. It might be worthwhile to seek one out, especially as you're still in a new place and may not have someone you trust to dump on.

I would like to say that it gets better with your family. For me, it really didn't. I'm lucky to be married to a never-Mo now. I feel much closer to my never-Mo inlaws than my own family as I can be myself around them, chat about politics, drink a beer, etc. I'm also lucky to not live in Utah anymore. No one outside of Utah and the Mormon corridor gives Mormons and Mormonism any thought. Most of my friends here don't even know I am a never-Mo.

I'm glad you at least have each other to get through this. I hope you find a good never-Mo peer group to hang out with. Keep sharing your story!

Visit the website of the Unity Church:
http://www.unity.org/

If they have a church within a reasonable driving distance, try visiting there. The people are friendly and welcoming, they have a youth ministry so your kids can go to church classes with kids their own age, and the messages from the pastors are inspiring. After the meeting they have a social get-together with coffee and doughnuts and you can talk to people. I think you will genuinely enjoy it.

Wow, it's interesting you mentioned this church. I have never seen one, nor heard of it. I looked it up to see if there were any in my city. Guess what? Literally 5 min. away in the exact town I live in. Only two in the whole city & one of them happens to be right around the corner. You must have felt inspired ;) Anyway, we'll have to check it out. I am a little apprehensive because I am feeling very reclusive and protective of my little family. But I know we need to be social and make some friends. The loneliness is killing me. Do you have kids? Do they enjoy this church? Thanks for you recommendation & concern!

Thanks everyone for you kind words and encouragement! I know it will get better with time. I am just feeling very raw and sensitve. I don't feel like a normal human being yet. It all seems surreal that we are in the place that we are now. We honestly feel like orphans. We've never had such a hard time making friends as we have in our new town. We love it here, but it seems we can't quite click with anyone. NOt sure why. Maybe because of stress and all the change & transition in our lives the last couple years. I am very guarded and I know I make it difficult to be friends with but also very scared to reach out and initiate relationships myself. The mormon church really sheltered me, I'm afraid. Hopefully this dog can learn new tricks :)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/22/2013 12:29AM by morganizedreligion.

I suspect over time that you'll make wonderful, lifelong connections in your current place. But it has to feel pretty lonely right now. And that just plain sucks. To make matters worse, the lonely person often has to be the one to initiate social interactions.

Just a thought...

For many Mormon families their religion almost entirely defines their family culture. Their traditions, language, rituals, customs, routine, etc. all revolve around the Mormon church. What is unique about your family? What fun and quirky things do you do together? Are you into the outdoors, board games, skiing, boating, sports, road trips, astronomy, music...?

Try building up a new family culture based on healthy and fun things you enjoy doing together. Get really into it! Like totally geek out about it. And it doesn't necessarily have to be expensive endeavor. And it can be something you just do as a fad (and then pick a new fad). You might find other families with the same interest. Or maybe you can invite others to join along your family activities--and you'll look like most supercool, badass, interesting people!!!

My children were grown and had moved to distant cities by the time I was involved with the Unity Church. I found the people to be friendly and enjoyed the once weekly church service.

That's wonderful that you live close to a Unity church. You can try it and see if you like it. Please return and report!

I grew up in an eclectic "religious spectrum": all of my main influences strengthened each other, regardless of how different some of them were from mainstream American culture.

One (of several) of the continuing major religious influences I had when I was growing up was Unity. I went to several different Unity churches over the years. Unity is one of the "good" (life positive) denominations/movements. The services feel good, the teachings are very life affirming, and the people are friendly, welcoming, and (from my own experience) quite informed and intelligent.

Unitarian-Universalist (which has no relationship to Unity) churches are also something you might want to check out. They are also sincerely friendly, life positive people who are usually well above the American average in general savvy and intelligence, and as a denomination they are tremendously concerned with improving the welfare (in every way) of ALL people. I have always greatly respected Unitarian-Universalists because of the important seminal influence of Ralph Waldo Emerson (one of my personal American heroes). Anything that Emerson would have approved of has just got to be PLENTY good, in my opinion.

My best wishes for finding the best place(s) for you.

I've been where you are at.
When I left the church my entire family completely stopped talking to me.
I had always suspected they had more loyalty to church than family. My leaving proved I was right. It's a sad day when you realize that.

Even if you went back to church it wouldn't change that. They may speak to you again, but you will always know that the church is their first love. The church has them so crippled that they don't even know how to talk to someone who doesn't have the same belief as them. It's so sad to see what religion does to them.

You have a family. Your spouse and children. Focus on them. Build new friendships and always put your family first. You will find new friends. It may take time, but you will find them.

I met my best friend at a garage sale. You just never know who you'll run into or where. Its usually when you least expect it.

It is called "shunning." We have all experienced it to different degrees. I took it very personally, and I cried a lot. The people shunning me had been in my neighborhood ward for over 10 years. Our children played together, they came over to our house, we cried with each other when our parents died, we went to our children's weddings. Now they don't speak to me. They look the other way at the supermarket, or on the sidewalk. I almost moved, because of it. But the worst was the nastiness of my own TBM parents and TBM siblings.

RFM helped me understand that shunning is not personal. It is not about the person being shunned, but it is about the group doing the shunning.

1. The cult is protecting itself from those of us who leave and might tell everyone WHy they are leaving. This would "shake" a lot of fragile testimonies. They make sure we don't lead others out. I was very proud to announce to my bishop that I was leaving--and taking my children with me! They are afraid of us.

2. This was the hardest part of all to understand. The cult prophets MUST be proven right, and they have predicted that apostates will become unhappy, lonely, lose their families, fail financially because of not paying tithing, and their children will fail without the cult influencing them. These former "friends" of mine are actually upset when they see me and my children succeed--and we have--bigtime!

I was still a devout, faithful Mormon, when I got a painful, incurable disease, and had to take sick leave from my job to go through hospital treatments. But the Mormons were not nice about this. They wanted me to play the organ, sick or not. They said that if I could get to the hospital for the out-patient treatments, then I could get myself dressed and to church to play the organ. Mormons make no sense. The treatments were scheduled for Friday, so by Monday I would feel good enough to get my kids off to school, feed them, help with homework, etc. My children got every ounce of strength I had. But the church wanted that, instead. They threatened that if I didn't keep my callings and keep attending meetings, that I would become sicker. Horrified, I asked, "Will God make me sicker?" The bishop replied, "God will withdraw His blessings. You will fail financially, and your children will fail.

Think about your own experiences with Mormons. Will you really miss the put-downs, the judgments, the gossip, the hatred and prejudices against gays, other cultures, women, other religions?

"Someone who wants you to fail" is my definition of an enemy!

At first, I was still friendly and outgoing, but after a year, I denied them the pleasure they got from snubbing me. I walked my dog in a different direction, shopped at a different grocery store, and even avoided MOrmons in my career (I can say this anonymously). Over the past 7 years as an ex-Mormon, I have learned to not trust MOrmons. A Mormon family member stole from me, and surprised him by hiring an attorney and suing him for fraud. I won, but only after being broken-hearted, and actually sick for a few weeks, until I got the information that he had been doing things like this to other family members for years.

Really, it is not personal. Part of it, is seeing Mormons for who they really are, for the first time, from your new perspective. They can be very rude, and self-serving. They are in competition against others, rather than on the same team.

If you have children, making friends will be quite easy--at their schools, sports teams, birthday parties, play-dates with the kids, break down the barriers. I made my best friends ever, volunteering in the classroom. Any volunteer work brings out the nice people. Dog-walkers are nice, bicyclists, hikers, skiers, people in places that are relaxed and fun. 99% of the world are not Mormons, so don't let them keep making themselves to important. We put up a "no soliciting" sign.

I think I know how you feel. Stick together and be aware that the mormon church life-style somehow has stolen your idenditi. Now the time has come to find out who you really are and what you really like and are free to think.

Make new freinds og get new interests. It takes time. I left the church 4 years ago. I lost my husband, my freinds, and my parents died from cancer. I moved with youngest child to start a life all over. New on the job scene, new in the world of internet, as I had almost lived in a jail in my own home.

I never one day regreted it. I have a real life now. I see my new freinds, have a good job.

Dont expect church members to understand. The reason you feel lost are because you need to find your new idenditi. Because the church takes all your time, money and brain. And remember: God is af loving father. He still loves you, no matter what.

I would wish there were some here I could talk to, as after all the pain I have gone through og faught my way to a normal and giving life, something inside hurts. It is the result of feeling that I wasted so many years on nothing. On the wrong man and on something that was just a lie. There are som many possibilities that are not there anymore, but still, better now than never leaving.

So, dont be afraid. If you lived in my neigborhood, you were invited for dinner and we could be freinds. I live in Denmark.

Definitely agree that you should look for another faith community to be part of!

You may like to visit the Hare Krishna community. No, they aren't as weird as they they are stereotyped to be :-)

Learn more here: http://krishna.com
... and find a centre near you here: http://directory.krishna.com

They are very loving and welcoming, and "devotee care" as well as service to the devotees is an integral part of their philosophy. There mustn't be pressure to join - and you can simply tag along for the great people and the great food, or you can formally join. It is your choice, and in either case, you are welcome. :-)

The philosophy is quite deep and many of the preachers are inspiring (there are both lay preachers and trained clergy). But the Faith teaches that an important part of service to God is service to His people/devotees. You must feel cared for and loved, as should your family.

Excellent idea. Trade mormon cult for hare krishna cult. Way better.

You're perpetuating a stereotype. The breakaway elements of the Hare Krishna faith (breakaway from ISKCON) that engaged in "cultish" nonsense have long since faded away.

No you're perpetuating a stereotype. I know you don't realize this but all your posts reek of CULT!!! I hope someday you will be able to escape. Many of us know them when we see them and you definitely sound like you are in one. Get help!

My dad had parents like yours. He learned at a very young age to go out and find his own surrogate parents. When I was about nine he and I took a trip to Florida where he introduced a truly lovely couple to me and announced that this couple were the parents he'd wished he'd had. They really were a nice older, retired pair. I was rather surprised but knowing my blood grandparents I totally saw the sense in what he had done to stay sane as a child.

When real life hands you lame parents and family, and your church support group is all a fake, it's time to make a change. Stop trying to make gold out of lead. Find the real thing. It's out there but you'll have to find it by digging and panning. Now that you have experienced false love you will be better able to recognize the real thing. And don't feel alone. Lot's of people get parents that just never had the role model or genetic makeup to know what parenting is SUPPOSED to be. You sound like you know what family really should be so you have a step up. Now go out and find the real deal in the quality of friendships you make and teach your kids how to become emotionally healthy too. If you need a little help through family counseling that's good too. Just make sure you don't use LDS Services or any other bogus counseling group.

Best wishes. Sending love your way.

Our situations are very similar. The main difference is that we left 4 years ago. My heart still breaks that our social circle is mainly us. We were starting to get very close with two other exmo families, but they recently both moved at the same time. I am an introvert, but I love people and always cherish my close friends. I have found it very very hard to establish a social network that is in any way satisfying. Since we can't depend on family and are not close with them at all, I really depend upon friendships to fill that void, but that is very hard to come by. Most people are super busy, and their social circles are full. In my case, I feel very well liked by people I like. And once every month or two or three we may get together, because they finally have a moment. This for me is very hard. My little family (hubby kids and I) have been through so much over the past 4 years and I don't even have someone to call and chat with during the day. It's paralyzing to think of what may happen if something happens to my husband or I. And well, it just plain hurts often. I get more discouraged over time, but most people on this board seem to manage the transition just fine. Moving adds a component. Also, I'm not willing to go to church - it's just not something I can tolerate. Also, I don't work out of the home (homeschool our son with special needs) and my husband is his own boss and his only employee. Our circle is so small. And I'm discouraged that we haven't managed to be able to change it. Best of luck to you.