I don't think I can handle this anymore. I discuss things with my spouse, which I love dearly, but all I get back are expressions of hope and testimony. I know I was in the same shoes not that long ago, but having presented the facts, I can't believe how thick-headed my spouse is. After returning from spending time with the in-laws, I get questions about my worthiness and asked if I have unresolved sins. I'm attacked for being closed-off and defensive, even when I keep my cool and discuss matters as calmly as possible...just expressing my beliefs and thoughts and not attacking the church. I don't want to be separated from my wife and kids, but it's painful to stay and by judged, criticized, and be compared to an anti-Christ (that's the latest one). I'm not going to kill myself, but I really find myself wishing that I could just get sick or get in a terrible accident.

Does this ever get better? I'm guessing it does for some and not for others...

I could cause a divorce between TBM DW and I by pushing the issue. I took the path of respecting her right to go to church and believe it if that's what makes her feel good. She has, in turn, respected my beliefs or lack thereof. Of course she feels that I'm wrong and I think she is. So what? We don't have to agree on everything. It's easier for us, of course, because we're empty nesters and have no kids at home. Besides, I have committed to be a very moral and caring atheist!

wrong thread



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/23/2013 12:34PM by rationalguy.

Yes, but I was the TBM at the time, which made it all the more frustrating to be married to the scumbag (even that word is a high compliment for that asshole).

A few months after we divorced I discovered the church wasn't true, but that will still NEVER make a union with that @$$h0!€ anything I will EVER subject myself to again.

Been there.

It gets better, whether you divorce or work it out, it takes time to get better, but you do!

Took a long time for me.

Everything gets better when you're out, and whether it's with you spouse or starting over, either way, outside of the cult, love and relationships are easier and better.

Kids, depends on ages, but they will likely leave if you do. If the inlaws and tbm family are close to them, you may lose a lot of contact, but I experienced that too, and it hurt, but I still feel better being out!

My .02

I really understand what you are going through with your spouse and family. I grew up in a Mormon family, but always felt uneasy with the church and its teachings. I went through periods of activity and inactivity in my life, but never did much study of controversial issues. I didn't go on Mormon mission, but I got married in the the temple to someone who I thought was TBM-lite.

Over the ____ years of marriage I never went back to the temple (as it creeped me the f' out) and my activity completely waned over time. I felt so uncomfortable about church stuff, but conflicted as all my family were diehard TBMs, that I challenged myself to read the BoM, fast and pray, and try to understand church history and teachings better. Well...that process ended any small shred of belief in Mormonism that I still had left.

I hadn't attended church in many months, but my complete lack of belief came as a giant shock to my then wife when I told her I was totally done with it all and finally ditchin' my holy g's (yep, I still wore them). Her eyes nearing popped out of her head when I told her. She stood up in our living room and literally (yes, literally) commanded Satan to release his hold on me while holding her right hand arm at the square. (I've recovered enough that this is a big time LOL! to think about now.)

In short, I seemed to experienced much of the same stuff as you, including being called an anti-Christ by her and her family. My then-wife went from TBM-lite to TBM-max almost instantly. She felt it was her fault for not being devout enough. Mormonism became a bigger and bigger wedge between us. I still drove her to church on Sundays and picked her up afterwards. I didn't go to any services or official activities, but we still interacted with ward members socially. I tried super hard to be extra loving, planned lots of couple time, booked weekend trips, etc., etc. It just never got any better. I was pariah to our families. She became very cold and distant to me. We divorced a couple of years (yep, years!) later. Fortunately we didn't have kids.

I agree that it will get better whether you stay together or not. Sometimes spouses come around to the truth. Sometimes you find an understand. And sometimes divorces end up being for the best and lead to better relationships and life opportunities. It will just take some time for things to sort itself out.

I know you have kids, but please take care of yourself. Find time to do things you enjoy doing. Eat well. Exercise. Mind your appearance and grooming habits. And please...do not let them set the terms of how you are judged. Show them that a non-TBMs can be kind, carrying, etc. Go the extra mile to show your love for your kids.

Ultimately, you'll have to do what's best for you.

Hang in there!

It will be one of the reasons I divorce my TBM spouse eventually! Our marriage wasn't good before I became an evil apostate who he will refuse to resurrect on the Resurrection Day. (Yeah, he said that.)

"Oh yeah? Well, Peter Pan and I are going to have tea with the Easter Bunny this weekend and YOU'RE not invited 'cause you're a stupid Mormon!"

Ahhh utah count mom......I'm in pretty much your same predicament. Though I haven't broke the news to hubby yet......but a divorce is definitely in the future.

I know of a never-mo, who found out his "widowed" TBM wife was sealed to her last husband, because he heard her bragging to another Mormon WOMAN about it. He demanded she ask the sealing be cancelled. She refused, so it was never the same and they divorced.

For me, it was one of the reasons I divorced my TBM ex, but it was more because he was emotionally abusive and controlling. At least, I listened to my gut and quit going to the Mormon church the Sunday after I filed for divorce, as I could tell that they would support his side and not mine as I wasn't sustaining the priesthood in my home. Eventually, I resigned shortly before the divorce was final, and that was because I got an invitation to a singles dance.

I guess some TBM spouses do the exorcism thing, as my ex did that to me as well, which now I think is really funny, and it had the opposite effect he was expecting as I filed the divorce papers the next day.

I divorced my wife because I knew that if I were to leave the Church I would also have to leave her. And conversely, if I were to leave my wife I would also have to leave the Church.

My ex-wife can not conceive of life without the Church. An independent life on her own would be beyond her comprehension.

But the deciding factor was her raging anger and abuse. My ex-wife believes any and all measures are justified in maintaining her testimony and by extension the testimonies of her family members. Any crisis of faith must be confronted urgently.

I never expected her to allow me to live according to my religious conscience. As many have commented here LDS people lack proper development of personal boundaries. The model for their lifestyle is the Church and it is very intrusive and dictatorial in members' lives. I needed the security of a formal Separation Agreement when dealing with my wife. Sad but true.

Yes. I had been out before we married. She was totally inactive. She started going back to the Mormons About a year after she got active told me to rejoin and take her through the temple or she would divorce me. We divorced. Lost a good business, good home, good family. I never remarried.

The formerly-TBM, BIC spouse divorced ME -- partly because I showed him the incriminating evidence about the BofA, Native American DNA, JS polygamy, etc. He didn't believe anymore either, but he was so angry and bitter at me for leading him out that he never forgave me and eventually decided to leave me. It was a huge nail in the coffin of a bad, abusive marriage.

My wife left me & we divorced after 39 years & 6 kids & what I thought was a pretty good marriage. The only issue was my losing my belief in the Mormon church. It shocked me that this happened & was not what I wanted at all. So yes, it does & can happen over the religion issue alone.

NewLifeGuy Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My wife left me & we divorced after 39 years & 6
> kids & what I thought was a pretty good marriage.
> The only issue was my losing my belief in the
> Mormon church. It shocked me that this happened &
> was not what I wanted at all. So yes, it does &
> can happen over the religion issue alone.

you jsut wrote my stry too...

My iwfe married the Morg and not me.. to decades to realize it.

I now have two saturdays a week in which to enjoy the rest of my life.

I figure this will be what causes the end of my marriage to my TBM wife. I love her to death, but when I finally drop it all on her, this will be the deal breaker. I grew up a member, but can remember even as a child, not wanting to be in the church. Through my teenage years I reluctantly went to church every week. I attended early morning Seminary for 4 years, being class president or whatever, and achieving the churches version of honor student, which I suppose you obtained by simply showing up and memorizing the Scripture Mastery verses. Ugh. Anyway, I put off a mission while I completed my first year of college. By doing this, I started getting harassing side talks from my bishop and EQP. Even though I waited, I still left at 19 1/2 years old. I went through the temple ehich messed my mind up something fierce. I served an honorable mission, though I hated everything about it unless I was playing ball or hiking on PDay. This is also where I met my wife. Over the course of time, I layed on the church crap thick to try and impress her. Sounds totally stupid, I know. When I got home, I turned down chances to dates a couple girls just so I could take my chances with her when she returned. We ended up marrying in the temple, and the whole time I just kept telling myself that this will help me "see the light". I was faithful and accepted callings. Over the last two years, I just haven't been able to do it anymore. Any shred of belief I clung onto is now dead. My wife once texted me and said if I don't have a testimony anymore she would leave me. I danced around it, while still keeping the church at arms length.

I've turned down the last 2 callings extended to me. One as WML (no way!!!) and recently as a member of the EQ Presidency. I thought these were supposed to be inspired? Ha! This has raised the eyebrows of both my wife and the bishopric as they are now attempting to contact me for an appt with Bishop.

It's all going to come crashing down for me soon. I can't pretend anymore. My wife will leave me and take my 3 young children. That thought kills me. I'm a more worthy husband than 95% of the TMB's out there, but my wife will choose TSCC over her family. It's just a matter of time.

How 'bout you tell your wife first, then see what happens, before you presume to think on her behalf?

My wife was a hard-core, daughter-of-bishop, wear-garments-everywhere, never-turn-down-a-calling member. I told her I was out, done, finished, last year the day before the election (November 2? something like that).

She's all the way out now too. We'll probably file our resignation sometime toward the end of this year.

Don't ascribe malice to others where none is yet deserved. Until you've given her a chance, divorce shouldn't be on anyone's mind.

Did you even read the part where she said she would leave him if he doesn't have a testimony anymore?
Cuz your reply sure doesn't seem like you saw that part!

I saw this part: "My wife once texted me and said if I don't have a testimony anymore she would leave me"

Yep, because nobody ever engages in drama and hyperbole in throwaway text messages.

Give your wife a chance. Lots of people say things they don't mean in the hopes of convincing themselves that they're true.

Throwaway text messages? That's some shit that doesn't get said. Marriage is serious business, even within the morg. Lady needs counseling for this level of threatening. This is borderline/narcissistic level of manipulation.
Got some strange boundaries if that kind of crap isn't taken seriously, and I'm sure that's where the OP is coming from.

My dear friend basically said the same thing to her husband. When he finally laid everything out for her, she panicked, tried to prove him wrong, but ultimately joined him in leaving with their children.

Now that would be a fine outcome to see in this case too!
I wish it were a more common outcome than divorce is amongst same religion marriages that turn into mixed marriages.

The fact that I went to the temple and then out to lunch with my aunt once a month was one of the reasons my husband gave for divorcing me, after thirty one years of marriage. The truth was that I could never measure up to his mommy. The funny thing is, now I am out of TSCC and he is serving a mission with his second wife, who is also his cousin. In the end he came as close to marrying his mommy as he could legally get. (Yes in Utah you can marry your first cousin if you are physically unable to procreate.)

Eww, gross! I'd say you are so lucky to be away from the guy!

Having gone through a divorce, seen many friends and colleagues go through the same and talked with many non-Mormons about their divorces, I've concluded that disagreements about religion are very rarely the cause of a divorce. Likewise, religious disagreements may cause friction in a marriage, but are usually a symptom of other, deeper problems.

It is apparent in the OP's post that there is a severe lack of communication going on. Using the church seems like psychological deflection on behalf of your wife. By making the marital problems about you, she can avoid confronting her own issues and responsiblities.

One thing that concerns me, due to my own experience, is that your spouse may be isolating you and doing parental alienation. This could be due to a personality disorder or, to use the venacular, her "preparing the battle space." To be blunt; she's crazy and/or setting you up for divorce.

Regardless, what she is doing is emotional abuse. This isn't just a made up thing and if continues, you will start considering suicide. Get to marriage counseling now. (If legal in your state, you may also want to start wearing a recorder and monitoring your computers. For the latter, be prepared for what you might learn your spouse is saying "in confidence" to family and friends.)

Respect and tolerance are a two way street...I don't see how u can be happily married to someone that doesn't respect ur point of view or decision...sure u love her..but I love lots of people..some of whom are past bf's but I'm not with them in a committed relationship for a reason... Sounds like u have a hard time respecting her being tbm as well....relationships are about respect and boundaries...I could never be in a relationship with a tbm...because I would find it hard to respect...and honestly for me it even infuences how I feel about my tbm parents...I love them..but the fact that they hold tight to it even in the face of overwhelming evidence as well as every single one of their children resigning...and one being gay...I have a hard time finding a lot of respect for them even...and that's blood... Divorce is a good thing when marriage is a prison...just sayin