I was fifteen when my mother remarried. He was raised mormon and although he never fully followed the sabbath or WOW, our family looked into the mormon church when we moved to the east coast. At first, the members were incredibly friendly. I was invited to girls camp and had a great time learning outdoorsy stuff and connecting with girls my age. There were some things I found a little weird about the belief, like wearing clothes that cover to the elbows and knees, and calling each other "brother and sister", but I figured it was their culture and went along with it. It wasn't shortly after me and my mom and brother were baptized. My mom didn't seem to really agree with the LDS teachings, but I was enchanted by the ideas of everyone getting to go to heaven, and that we are all God's children and baptizing for those "lost souls" so they could meet God in heaven too. I felt like I was part of some special club, and clicked instantly with other mormon kids at my school because of our common belief. Looking back, I had no idea how smoothly the church can influence its investigators. I remember my first time baptizing for the dead in the temple. I had fasted all that day so I could feel the "spirit" when I went into the water and feel the relief of the soul who I baptized for, knowing they could go to Heaven and see their Heavenly Father. Instead, I felt... nothing. I tried to feel something, instead I felt wet and hungry. I thought it might have been because I sinned, or because I was so new to the belief, they "spirit" wasn't with me yet. Several more years passed, and I was asked by my bishop at girlscamp if I could become the young woman's president. I was thrilled, but at the same time felt unholy because half a year ago I gave my virginity to a boy who I loved and thought he loved me as well. I confessed my sin to the new bishop, and he continued with several interviews after that. At one point he asked me if we had our clothes on or off during the deed, which I thought was kind of odd, but answered anyways. I did the best I could as the new YW president and tried my hardest to be good and worthy of the sacrament every sunday. that summer of my junior year I will never forget. A boy from my school, who I knew very little at the time messaged me and told me that he really liked me and wanted to go on a date. I was thrilled and couldn't wait to see how our date would go. I knew he wasn't mormon, but something about him touched my heart and it wasn't long before we became a couple. I knew right then I was going to marry him one day, but bogged down by the "temple" marriage thing the church pushed on its young members. He went with me to church out of love and support, but I always felt looked down on because I was a mormon girl who wasn't dating a return missionary or a "good mormon boy" from the surrounding wards. Nevertheless, my bishop took to my new boyfriend pretty well, despite the religion hurdle, and made him feel welcome in the beginning. As time went on, the church's influence grew more and more into my life. I started to feel overwhelmed with expectations of getting married in the temple one day, fulfilling church callings, going to seminary and institute and reading my BoM, D&C PoGP, and last but not least the Bible. I was shocked when I learned about the garments. I asked my stepdad why we were supposed to wear these "clothes under our clothes" and he explained that we needed to become worthy of God to wear these garments and receive the blessings they would bring. after all, he would say, Jesus had worn them too. I felt so confused and horrified. I didn't want to wear extra underwear, especially since we moved back west and it was over 110 F during the summer in Arizona. Since then I would look and notice the "garment outlines" of worthy members in my church, and feel like an oddball because I didn't want to wear them myself. I loved God, but did he really care what underwear i wore? But I continued being a "fairly good mormon girl" and taking callings. At one point I was asked to be primary teacher for the preschoolers of our ward. I was so excited to teach these little ones about God and how he loves them and songs about being happy and joyful. A few months into my teaching the primary we had a meeting. the Primary pres discussed things we need to teach in our classes, one being the 13 articles of faith. How was I supposed to teach them these articles if they couldn't even sit still most of the time?? Deep down I was worried I was brain washing these children, but carried on my mormonly duties. One of the things i struggled with was testimony meeting. My children who I taught would go up and declare how they "know the church is true". I tried to find this normal, but couldn't find how a 4 year old would know a religion is true when they can barely spell their last name. At this time, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. I tried so hard to help him feel normal in a church I wasn't sure I felt normal in myself. He hated how we had to separate for our classes, and deep down I did too. But If we were going to do this together and hopefully get married in the temple for "time and all eternity" I tried to make him feel as comfortable as possible. I started to feel more confused and twisted as time went on. One YW meeting we had was yet again about temple marriage, and how only God allows good mormon husbands and wives to enjoy the continuation of their marriage in heaven, while everyone who married normally was single and lesser than them. Out of everything the church taught, this bogged me the most. I was worried for my wonderful grandparents who lived good Christian lives, and how they would be split because they weren't sealed in the temple. I was horrified about not being able to see my loved ones or husband in heaven and would cry over and over on this daunting revelation. Then I did what no faithful mormon would do, and I started to question if this was in fact the "true church" it claimed to be. I blew the dust off my Bible and compared verses back and forth from the Bible and BoM. What I found both shocked and disgusted me. I found verse after verse that contradicted itself between the Bible and BoM, and verses in D&C that contradicted all three! I was shocked! It was then I finally came to terms that this was not the "true church" it claimed itself to be. For the duration of my membership I was worried that the "spirit" had abandoned me for my disbelief, when in fact I was the one who was abandoning myself in a belief I couldn't fully accept. I am grateful for the wonderful people who I've let in my life who have supported my decision in leaving the church and who have helped me along the way. A wonderful lady who I have't had the chance to meet in person yet is especially part of helping me discover the truth.And yes, there are plenty others who are in the church who I care about that look away from me, but what I gained in return is more important in my eyes... The truth.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/29/2013 02:38PM by summoneryuna92.