Hi, alright here goes. I need to vent. It'll be therapeutic. :)

I grew up in southeast Idaho where there is a large Mormon population, I never felt like I've had a strong "testimony" of "the gospel" but, I always figured it was the truth. So many people I love and respect believe it is.

Maybe it was because I was afraid to question and find out it wasn't. I'd be left in the dark without direction or an explanation of life. I really don't know why I just figured it was true.

High school was a hard time for me I struggled with depression. I was always quiet in school, I HATED school. I had just a small group of close friends. Man looking back I was one lost pissed off dude.

I started smoking pot, drinking and getting myself into alot of bad situations this was a dark time for me. I hated life. I studied politics (I'm a libertarian) like it was my religion and was thoroughly convinced the world was going down the shitter. I had a distrust of any sort of authority. I saw so much greed and corruption in the world. but for some reason in my mind the church was exempt from that. Once again probably because I was scared of not having purpose in life or an explanation.

I started fooling around with a girlfriend. which worsened my guilt and my depression. It was an extremely dysfunctional relationship. She wanted to be chaste but we AlWAYS ended up doing the same dirty things. After I graduated we were still dating and I was sick of feeling like @#$%& about myself and the way I was living my life.

She convinced me to go confess my "sins" to the bishop. The bishop was a bald guy who cried alot in church. He was a great guy and although it was uncomfortable talking to him about what i had done.. I changed for the better.I started to build confidence in who I was and what I wanted.I ended up breaking with my girlfriend after 2 years of our dysfunctional sex based relationship. it was for the better. we weren't compatible to begin with.

anyways, I started to date an amazing girl who was leaving on her mission. This really got me thinking about a mission. I saw all the happy fairtale mormon couples and I decided that I would eventually want that temple marriage and a beautiful family and live happily ever after. My parents kept mentioning a mission to me. Most everyone my age had already gone and I was one of the only guys in my ward in my age group who hadn't gone.

I made the decision to go because I wanted a temple marriage and what good girl would take a guy who didn't guy go on a mission? I imagined helping people change their lives for the better. help them realize that the past doesn't necessarily have to define their future. I had gone through some rough times and my life had completely changed. I was a New person and I felt happy. It didn't last long though...

I got my call to Guatemala and started preparing for the mission. Now, I had never gotten my confirmation that the book of mormon was true. I Believed in God because of the change in my life. So I asked God followed by...the INTERNET...like i did with everything else I wanted to learn about. I figured that if I was going to be preaching the gospel. I should be able answer hard questions about the church and really take a look at both sides. Surely if this was the true church there had got to be good answers or evidence of the "truthfulness" of the restoration.

I stumbled across some interesting things about the church I had never heard of before. Book of Abraham in particular was the hardest to get over. FAIR became my lifeline. their "answers" never satisfied me but I clung to them. I was desperate. I had already gotten my call and my parents were so proud of me. This is when things really started to suck.

I began a semester up at BYUI. Now, I have always hated the CULTure of the church. While I was up there seeing so many people blindly following the bishop or the President or the Prophet really bothered me. Unquestioning loyal servants. it seemed to me the priesthood authority was the same thing as God

The return missionaries up there were sooo anal about all the silly little rules. They seemed more concerned with all that little insignificant rules than they seem concerned with the stuff that actually matters like loving your neighbor and your enemies, showing compassion, not judging people, ya know just being an all around good person ( ya know all the stuff Jesus taught). With them obedience prioritized over love. It was like a competition of righteousness. Truly pathetic. It really freaked me out and I started to question the church even more.

At one point I decided for a day that the church wasn't true. I FELT GREAT. it didn't last long though. I then felt guilty for feeling great that the church wasn't true. Its amazing how programmed I was. Actually quite sad but of course it was all MY fault for not being strong enough and exercising enough faith. Everyone else "knew" it was true. Why was I unable to just believe? I was in a state of severe cognitive dissonance.

I wanted it to be true and I was trying desperately to convince myself it was. I procrastinated going to the temple for my endowment. I was terrified. I had read all about Freemasons and secret societies from my high school days, all that ritualistic bullshit. I knew that that was what it was probably going to be. I didn't want it be. but regardless I went through and was apathetic about it.

All the time growing up I had always wondered what went on in the temple. I was now finally there. A couple of times I almost started laughing out loud. It was sooooo weird to see all of my relatives dressed in aprons and chef hats doing secret handshakes. I thought to myself "So this is what its all been about. no wonder they kept it a big secret this @#$%& is fucking crazy." Becoming a god and owning my own planet also seemed pretty blasphemous to me. That's right in line with freaky-ass new age/kabbalah/mysticism doctrine.

As soon as I put the garments on I instantly hated them. I felt like I was property of the church and my individualism had been taken from me. I couldn't imagine having sex with my future wife while wearing those damn things before hand. Ugliest most uncomfortable unsexiest things ever.

Eventually I decided to conform and made the decision to believe and forget all the stuff I had read. I had to for my sanity. I left for my mission and felt alright about it. In the back of my mind all of the things I had read were still festering at me. I had only suppressed my questioning nature and accepted the church. This didn't last long though.

I arrived at the Guatemala MTC. Things got really tough. 14 hours of class a day, constantly trying to force myself to be something i wasn't an EXTROVERT. Not just an extrovert though, an extrovert in SPANISH.

The way I would describe the mindset of alot of lds people is superstitious not only 200 years ago but currently. I was told a couple of times that I took away the spirit from the class.(the superstition is all about the "spirit") one time it was because I drew devil horns on a cartoon mouse. I was told it was demonic and not funny at all. I found this quite amusing.

Another aspect of the superstition and something constantly hammered into us is that our conversions depended on exact obedience to the rules. "obedience brings blessings" but "exact obedience brings miracles" I didn't understand how if I didn't make my bed in the morning that would mean God would punish not only me but my potential converts. but nevertheless, This caused me to feel paranoid about every little rule. I felt like god was watching every little move I made so that when I goofed up or forgot to do something he would be there to punish me and POOF! the spirit would be gone. No converts for me.

While in the MTC they hooked us up with an "investigator" which we taught as a district. We would pray about what lesson we should teach him and spend a lot of time carefully preparing. His eternal salvation was dependent upon us(Missionaries in training). It was extremely nerve racking. When we eventually committed him to baptism my companion cried. I had felt the spirit SO STRONG during our lessons and during our prayers prior to the lessons. Well it was later revealed to us that our "investigator" was actually our new teacher.(LYING FOR THE LORD). Our district was devastated. We all felt deceived.

This got me thinking about the supposed "spirit" that I had felt. I felt like God had literally given us Revelation to teach him the lessons that we did and that he had genuinely needed to hear what we were teaching him only to find out it was a complete fraud. I had felt the "spirit" but did it change the fact that our investigator was a fake? NO. I came to the conclusion that the "spirit" was a psychologically conditioned emotional response. It's hammered into you from the time you're a sun beam to a geriatric high priest.

Ahh but, This was only the beginning. I started to make doctrinal comparisons between the New Testament and the Book of Mormon. I spent every moment I could reading. I once asked my MP in one of his lessons "If the endowment is ESSENTIAL to salvation then why does Jesus speak nothing of it in the new testament?" He had no answer for me. He then strongly discouraged me from asking those kinds of questions. I should exercise faith. " We don't know these things right now but we will in the next life." That kind of talk frustrated the hell out of me. Things were becoming a lot clearer.

I was starting to become really pissed off with the church and the way it treated its missionaries. Here I was sacrificing 2 years of my life to help "build the kingdom" and I was treated like I owed it to them. No gratitude from anyone. I didn't hear the MP thank us once for sacrificing time money and energy to help the church. The other thing that made me mad was we were treated like we couldn't be trusted whatsoever. So many unnecessary rules.

1 week prior to entering the field we were watching the Joseph Smith Restoration movie. It made everyone in the district cry. Whilst I thought to myself. How historically accurate is this video really? I mean can you imagine if they showed him translating the BOM out of a hat? or better yet the dynamic of smiths polyandry and the distress it must have caused Emma? or him smoking cigars and shooting 2 dudes just before he was shot dead at Carthage? Would they show the part when he fucked 14 year old Fanny in the barn? that d go over well for the potential converts thinking of joining the church.

I felt lied to. NO ONE would join the church if they told the historically accurate version of what happen in our missionary lessons instead of the whitewashed bullshit version. I asked myself if I wasn't born into this church and I was just researching it would I join? HELL NO!!

At that moment I decided that I had had enough force-fed lies of the so called church. I went to my room immediately, packed my bags up and went to the MP's office to tell him what I thought. I expressed to him my concerns. He said "NOW, I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT HE WAS A TRUE PROPHET. WHATS THE REAL REASON YOU WANT LEAVE?" (implying that I hadn't cleared things up I"m going to assume.) "HOW WILL YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR FUTURE SON SITS ON YOUR LAP AND SAYS "daddy did you go on a mission? so and so's dad went to this place." AND YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM YOU CAME HOME EARLY"

I told him I didn't care and that it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't be spending my life as a mormon anymore. This REALLY pissed him off. He then tried to argue it further with me. I told him it made no difference what he said, I had made up my mind. None of his manipulative talk would change my decision.

So I called my parents who surprisingly were very understanding accepting and loving. My dad has known about the problems with the church for a long time (I later found out he hasn't read the book of mormon in 8 years). I have alot of respect for my parents keeping their marriage together for my families sake. I have a great relationship with my parents they understand where I'm coming from and love and accept me for who I am. and I love and accept them for them.

Coming home was one of the best decisions I've made. I feel very lucky to have escaped. I feel like the mission put my mental health at stake. Leaving the church has enabled me to view people as people not as prospects to push my mormon agenda on. I feel no right to pass judgement on anyone because there isnt ONE true answer key to the universe anymore.

I feel I can accept people for who they are. Even mormons. I have no hard feelings for the members. (I have alot of family who still is) I once was there I understand the mindset and I don't hold anything against them. There are assholes (like my MP) in every religion.

I certainly have alot to hold against the church though. Justice will be served in the end eventually. As more and more people find out about the origins of the church it will "surly die" and "it will go down" haha.

I want to say thanks for all the support on the forums you guys are great. leaving the church can be a painful thing. I've read some bad exit stories (alot worse than my experience) I'm glad to know there is support for those having a hard time out there. YOUR'E NOT ALONE! PEACE Y'ALL!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/02/2014 10:18PM by IdahoDude.