I was born and raised in the church. My mom was the devout believer, my dad the inactive smoker. Yes, I was taught and led to believe that somehow I was some sort of victim because my dad was not an honorable priesthood holder. That somehow I had been cheated of something, because my dad didn't bless me or baptize me. Of course it really made no difference to me, except for at church where I was made aware of how important it was for the daddy to be a priesthood holder who did these things.

I was a bit of a tomboy. I admit that at times I felt very strongly that I was supposed to be a boy, but that something must have gone wrong, and I was born a girl. At one point I remember becoming very intent on my family moving somewhere where nobody knew us, so that I could simply cut my hair short and become a boy. I was devastated when my mom said, no I could NOT cut my hair and be a boy, even if we moved somewhere nobody knew us. I never thought of myself as different though. I thought I was perfectly normal. As I got older I had a clothes conscious mother and a stylish older sister who kept me mostly in line.

I feel like I went from a very happy secure kid, to an insecure teen. Somehow it really bothered me when my friends became interested in the opposite sex. I always seemed to have one special, female friend that I was extra close to. I would enjoy time spent with them, and resent it when boy issues seemed to get in the way. The natural fun friendships I had always had with boys, was now gone, or somehow tainted. I think I was pretty cute. I had the blonde hair and blue eyes that was popular for boys to want at that time, so socially I faired fine. But when it came to pairing off with a boy who "liked" me, I was a fish out of water. It always put me into a panic, and a feeling that I simply needed to get out of the situation. Still I never thought for a minute that I might be gay. Gay people were freaks who simply wanted attention for being freaks. I had no personal experience of anyone I knew of being gay.

I was enjoying my young womens experience at church, and taking it seriously. I associated everything good and right, with the church. As a confused teen who was unsure of her own identity, I decided I could be the 'good little mormon girl'. Although I enjoyed my friends, I've always been introverted, and I hated large gatherings. So being the molly mormon gave me an excuse (even in just my own head) why I became less and less social. I loved seminary, where I felt less social pressure, and more emphasis on being good.

As a teen, bishop's interviews were a wonderful and validating experience for me....until the bishop asked me once about masterbation. I didn't know what the word meant. I can't remember how he explained it, but I knew I was guilty of it. I lied and said I had no issue with it. I felt completely worthless and horible. I looked it up in the strength for the youth pamphlet. This hung so heavy on me. I prayed and prayed, and read my scriptures, and tried and tried to become 'master of my domain', but always failed. I was wracked with mental torment.

During my high school years homosexuality was becoming more and more known. Ellens tv show was popular. In fact it was my favorite show, of course.(before she came out) I totally related to her character. My dad would come home and find us watching it and say, "how can you watch that freak! Don't you know she is a lesbian!" This mortified me, because of how much I loved and identified with her. My mother and I would defend her, up one side and down the other....no no she was not gay! It was the 90's, girls dress like that and it doesn't mean they are lesbians! I became more self conscious about "apearing" lesbian. I realized more and more that I seemed to fit the stereotype. I started to question it in my own head... am I gay?

This question tormented me for years..... I knew I was gay, but I knew the church was true also, and it tortured me. I had a big family that was close with all our cousins and aunts and uncles, and I was very emotionally dependant on them. Everyone in my world was a homophobic and or tbm. I wanted out of the church, but even then I was terrified of anyone ever finding out I was gay. I would spend days at the library, researching anything I could find on homosexuality. And especially anything in a mormon context. I found some mystery, fiction novels that had a lesbian character, and indulged. One day I was home from collage, and reading one. I always had my nose in a book anyway, and thought I would have no problem keeping it secret. Well my older sister comes over and comes in my room. She goes strait to the book and picks it up to read the back! I had never been so terrified. I tried to go on like nothing happened, but I knew she knew the book was about a lesbian. I tried to avoid her. She came and said she was making sandwiches for lunch...maybe I'd like a TUNA sandwich? And then laughed the most evil cackle. I ignored it, but was mortified. This sister had always been the most vocal hater of homosexuals. And after that she became even more so. Making sure to give some anticdotal story about some stupid dyke, whenever I was around.

The Internet was getting big, and chat rooms were big. At night I started chatting online alot. I was able to open up about being a mormon and a lesbian, and being confused about what that meant. I met a girl, and we met and started hanging out. My first (and only) lesbian relationship! Yes it was bliss, but it didn't last long. I couldn't let go of my mormon guilt, and she ended up moving away. I couldn't let go of the church, and yet I couldn't deny that I was gay. I had been studying, and fasting, and praying about this for years now. It was stake conference the next day, and a GA was going to be there. I prayed for some final answer, that I promised to follow, no matter what. The GA brought up homosexuality. How gays were sinners going against god. I hated the answer, but it was also somewhat of a relief. I chose the church.....where I didn't have to give up my family (that I was very emotionally dependant on) I felt like I could accept this. And because I felt like I was able to accept it, I believed that meant god aproved. I realize now that it was my cognitive dissonance. I was not emotionally, or financially capable of choosing to come out and be lesbian. I got my patriarchal blessing, which said, "satan wants to destroy the most wonderful experiences of your life. That of love, romance, refined marriage, and motherhood." This confirmed my decision to me. I went on a mission, came home, got involved in the singles ward. Ran the hamster wheel of church life, all the while being plagued whith my sexuality. Wondering if I could ever find a man I was capable of marrying. Men intimidated me. I really wanted to just be friends with a guy before feeling like I had to put out. But couldn't seem to manage it. When I met my husband, he was dating my roomate. That took the pressure off, plus he is extremely un-intimidating, and easily likable. I loved hanging out with him. Things happened very slowly with us. Once we really started dating, it was actually really nice. I enjoyed socially being in a relationship. Being mormon, however, really put the pressure on us both to get married. He really enjoyed the singles ward life, but I think he knew it was now or never for him, because he was turning thirty. I was very attached to him, and even though I knew it wasn't quite right, I couldn't let him, or the possibility of getting married go. It trrified me, but I did however tell him before, that I felt that I had "lesbian tendencies". He is completely homophobic, believes people chose to be gay. He just kept saying, "what does that mean?"
He has never mentioned it since.

A difficult marriage, and 2 kids later, I come across the Book of Abraham issue! Well once I started studying, I couldn't stop. It's so obvious! I've slowly been going more and more inactive. I still go to Sacrament meeting sometimes with the family. I love my husband, but even when I was tbm, I knew our marriage wasn't going to last. It's really complicated. Hubby knows I'm going more and more inactive..... that I don't wear my garments anymore... but if he knew that I full on don't believe anymore, I'm terrified of how he will react. I have vague plans to go back to school when our youngest starts school. Divorce right now would be devastating for us all.

The best part has been the mental release of all the guilt and shame, and letting go of the constant presure of the mormon hamster wheel mentality. I've lost 20 lbs, and have a new appreciation for life!

I KNOW that mormonism is harmful, and screws with your head, and your life!

Amen.