First off I want to thank everyone who has posted stories on
this site, it takes a lot of courage for some of you that have
friends and family that still try to pressure you and make you
feel guilty about leaving the church. Finding this website
has changed a lot of my thoughts and feelings about my past
and believes and I am very grateful.

My story might not be as emotionally traumatizing as some I
have read, but I still hope that it may give some sort of
understanding or perspective to others out there.

My parents both grew up mormon- my dad's family being very
active within the church and very "mormon" with ten kids. My
mom's family was a bit dysfunctional, they sometimes went to
church but my mom's mom was a smoker and my mom had multiple
step and half siblings. My dad served a mission in Oregon and
has told us a few stories about it. He met my mom while going
to college and I believe they were married withing six months
or so. They've been very active in the church for as long as
I can remember.

I grew up with three brothers and sisters and we were expected
to go to church every sunday and attend all other church
activities. As with a lot of mormons- my family didn't just
"go to church", church was a lifestyle.

I never felt right going to church, never felt the "want" to
go. The only reasons I remember having were to see friends or
look at boys (haha). There were a few occasions I remember
having a "spiritual" experiences, such as impromtu testimony
sharing at girls camp when we wouldn't just talk about
"knowing this that and the other thing are true" but actually
talked about love and compassion towards our friends and
family.

As a child I rarely invited friends over- I would go to their
house because I realized that my family did things different.
My friend's parents didn't make them pray before every meal
even at restaurants, never let them drink caffeine, etc. I
always felt uncomfortable having to explain to friends that
they couldn't say "oh my god" in my house.
Of course because I never fully agreed with what I was being
taught, when my teenage years came I was just pissed. I
realize now that it wasn't that I couldn't do the "bad things"
I wanted, it was because I had no good reason not to. The
biggest thing that I think the mormon religion causes is bad
family relationships. My parents relied on the church to
teach me morals- do not smoke, drink, have sex, etc. But THEY
never sat down with me and told me why THEY didn't want me
doing those things. I fully believe that if my parents had
shown genuine concern and love that I wouldn't have done most
of the stupid stuff I did (smoking, self mutilation, etc)

One night I came home from Wednesday night activities and
found out my parents had searched my school bag while I was
gone and found a couple cigarettes, some stolen jewelry and
makeup, and my journal. I still don't know to this day if
they read/how much they read, but there were some pretty heavy
things in that journal about my low self esteem, teenage
sexual frustration, and a lot of b*tching, cause you know, I
was about 14, but that was, in my teen eyes "the worst day
ever" and only made me think more that my parents were just a
couple of mormon drones.

I remember sitting on the couch across the room from my
parents and crying as I admitted that I didn't know if I
believed in God. I don't remember exactly what they said but
it was something along the lines of "well we hope you pray
about it and change your mind". Their answer to my rebellious
problems was to send me to a LDS funded psychiatrist, who I
saw about three times before I couldn't go anymore because I
didn't want my parents to join me in the room while she
"shrank" me.

As an overweight and pretty unpopular teen, I spent a lot of
time reading and a lot of time online. As I matured and
started to believe more in myself as a worthy human being, I
gained more self esteem by making some friends in a graphic
design class at school. I generally felt better about myself
and was just waiting to turn 18 so I could move out of my
parents house.

When I was 16 I met a boy online and we liked eachother a lot.
Even though I didn't really believe in mormon "rules",
because of the constant berating from my parents and the
constant preaching of my church leaders, it made me feel
incredibly guilty that I had "sexual thoughts". But this boy
became my best friend because I could talk to him about
anything- disagreeing with everything my parents believed in,
my depressing self mutilation past, and all the other teenage
crap. He talked to me about everything too- his verbally,
sometimes physically abusive father and pyschologically messed
up mom.

I kind of "flew under the radar" for the rest of high school,
showing semi-interest in church activities but never really
committing to anything. I would stay home from church with
the slightest headache, and blamed cramps a lot. I only ever
went to the temple to do baptisms for the dead a couple times.

I remember it being pretty, and all the workers were pretty
friendly, but I never felt "overcome with the spirit" while I
was in the temple and always felt ridiculous in the baggy
white jumpsuits. Like some other writers have said- I
remember being suprised that I was allowed to notice how the
jumpsuits clung to the boys wet bodies after they got out of
the baptismal font. You'd think that the holy ghost would be
a little more vigilant about teens having lewd thoughts while
IN the temple... ;)

I also remember feeling that the touching contact of the man
doing the baptisms was usually a little too close for comfort.
But going out to dinner with the rest of the youth after was
fun, right?

I always thought my church friends were so dense, accepting
everything their parents told them at face value and never
trying anything for themselves. I had "sinned" and not been
struck down by lightning. Plenty off stupid crap made me
slightly jaded, I suppose. My family never had much money and
had to have financial help from the church multiple times to
keep the electricity on and things. My dad had a heart attack
when I was 8 and because of health issues was out of work for
a long time. I went to funerals for babies I had played with,
saw friends lose parents to alcohol and saw the way kids
treated eachother (and me) at school. I didn't see how my
family was "so blessed" to be so active in the church.

When I graduated and started working I used the "have to work"
excuse most Sundays, and only ever went to a couple single's
activities. No one in my family knew that I'd been dating a
boy online since I was 16 and felt I was betraying him by
going to "singles" activities. For a while I was scared my
family might think I was a lesbian. (Cause you know, that
would be a HUGE sin, right?)

Working in the "real world" just made me realize more that I
just wanted to me "normal" and be able to freely talk about my
beliefs/doubts. I actually put up with my parents for almost
two years after I turned 18- but I did leave with a grand
exit.

I had finally saved up enough money (my parents had an awful
habit of "borrowing" money), and was just going to pack my
stuff and leave one day. I did love my family, so I wrote
them a note to tell them not to worry and I'd let them know
when I got to the other side of the country safe and sound.
But, of course, my brother had snooped around and found the
note a couple days before I had the chance to pack and leave
while they were at church, and after a very tense Sunday when
my mom stayed home from church- all hell broke loose and I
finally drove off at about one in the morning after much
fighting and crying. My older brother had even done
"something" to my car to make it not start- I had to threaten
to call the cops to get him to fix it. I was soooo done with
all of them and their controlling ways. I wanted to think for
myself!

I got my own place, worked, and hung out with my boyfriend (in
person!) and after about six months finally started talking to
my parents again. Surprisingly, my sister moved out to the
state above me, and we became good friends through talking
about how we REALLY felt. She stopped going to church, we'd
hang out and have a drink after work, and everything was
pretty good. She hadn't told my parents though. They knew
that I wasn't attending church, but my sister had moved with
pretenses of being with "single church friends", etc.

I remember thinking it ironic because while my sister had had
sex with a couple boyfriends, my boyfriend (of three years)
and I, hadn't gone all the way (but that may have been more
because he was three years younger than me, so he was still
underage, haha). I just KNEW that all my mormon family and
friends thought I was a dirty slut. (Can I get an amen to
that?!) It still made me feel bad that my parents didn't
approve of me or the adult that I was becoming.

Then one night my sister was raped, and I was the first person
(besides the police) that she told. It STILL makes me feel
guilty that my family's communication lines were so severed
that she couldn't even tell her own PARENTS until MONTHS
after. I was surprised though, when after she did
finally work up the courage to tell them, that even they questioned God.

Even now they'll skip church sometimes, and have become much
more easy going with my little brother. (Even though they are
still pretty crazy)

I'm 22 now, and the relationship between my parents, my sister
and I is much better than it used to me. My boyfriend and I
even lived with them for a while. But they do still say
things every once and a while about temple marriage, etc even
though my boyfriend isn't and never will be mormon. (Even
though we met in LDS chat which is very ironic!) When we
lived there we had separate bedrooms, haha :)

I've only recently discovered this website. I stayed up
reading stories all night and couldn't stop thinking about it
the next day at work. It was such a mix of emotions, between
anger and disappointment, to the AHA! feeling. Realizing that
so much of my life has been spent so focused on stuff some guy
made up... is crazy. I'm still sorting out feelings.

I keep reminding my sister to check out this website, I know
she still carries a lot of guilt for not being the "perfect
daughter" she acted like she was for a long time. I hope
reading other people's stories will help her let go of that
guilt.

I am so grateful that I met my soulmate when I did, even if we
were just kids at the time, because I don't know what I would
have done if I'd ever been faced with finding out what getting
temple endowments really entails. It's so relieving to
finally let go of that nagging little guilt that was pounded
into me as a child "you will not make it to the highest heaven
without a temple marriage". My soul feels so much better
letting it go and embracing what my heart has felt all along-
that I know what true love is and I don't need a "sacred
ceremony" for God to recognize it.

I'll continue reading other people's stories, and hope that
maybe one day the rest of my family will learn and accept the
truth, and be free from the constant guilt that the church
ingrains.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/20/2011 05:09PM by Eric K.