I was born to a Catholic dad and a Mormon mom, but she was completely inactive until I turned nine and she remembered that she had this incredible testimony and had the missionaries over to teach and baptize me. I remember at my baptizm I started to cry and told my mom I didn't want to get baptized, but she told me not to embaress her and to get out there. So I did.

Then I had a crush on a boy in the ward for a while when I was in young women's so I gladly went to church, seminary and all of the activities because the social thing was pretty fun... but I never really felt the spirit.

I asked my mom and bishop questions like why Blacks didn't get the priesthood (the world apparently wasn't ready for it), if they seriously thought the Book of Abraham was legit (of course) and how they could accept that polygamy was a true principle and something I had to look forward to in heaven (if we could only understand how beautiful it really is...) Mostly I was upset because I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing, laurel president, seminary president, no serious dating, no morality issues... but I didn't have a testimony. I remember at girls' camp during testimony meeting I said something about how I hoped my cat was in heaven. god.

The reason I was giving for not having a testimony was that I wasn't trying hard enough or doing everything I should be doing. I fasted every Sunday for 6 months. When I got endowed I went to the temple once a week. I married in the temple. I magnified every calling I got. I prayed constantly. How was I not doing everything I should be doing?

I talked to a bishop about my failure to get a testimony and he suggested that I was somehow being sinful. So I started to cry and then he said, if I was doing everything right I would get a testimony... so I must be lacking in some way. It was my fault.

My mom suggested that not having a testimony was my "test" from God. It wasn't long after that conversation that I just stopped going to church. It wasn't hard to convince my husband, an RM, that going to Church just wasn't going to work for me.

I'm happier now, but I'm still... tired. I waiver between being glad to be rid of it and wishing I could still believe. But it is like Santa... you just can't go back to believing once you've had your eyes open. I have a much stronger testimony of the falseness of the gospel than I ever had of its truthfulness. This website makes me feel better. Recovery is the absolute best word for what I am now trying to do. Thanks for being here.