I'm sad and bounce between the greif emotions! anger at times.

I think it's like divorcing with kids involved and I'll never completely get away from the Machine "the church" as my family are still in it.

I wish to get on with joy and life really but after doing that I realize I need to deal with my residue of feels tied with the cult "mormon experence."

me left alone child in a sea of over children, with a mother depressed and overwhelmed. this is where is starts, i guess

born in the coveant. Whipity Do

I love my parents and they love me, the machine first which doesn't leave all that much room for me but they loved me as much as a loyal machine member can love their child(ren).

too many too fast kids I mean without being able to care for us.

My dad felt because he wasn't gone drunk and I never heard him curse he was a pedestal family man.

He was gone and he's words had an undertone of misogyny & protrayal of perfection.

i couldn't wrap my mind around all the 2 sided messages.

told to have kids but always in the bishopric or bishop and gone... some family man

My family still don't have much of relationships with eachother but high callings...

blood suckers

maybe i'm still a kid in some part of me wanting that parnet to be there to nurture me, love and care for me.

my mothers loves me but it's clear when i ask her questions she had us kids out of duty... straight from headquarters -blind faith-. Wow your so awesome, what faith -in a deceived mormon world.

My mom says she's not a people person, really?

I don't think she wanted to be a mom. she made the best she could of it.

my dad righteous or self righteous it's all the same maybe

I was raised being woke for scripture study before the day got started, with no one to help with homework that night.

I was taught to not be trouble, portray perfection more so that my dad's image stayed tidy, priesthood dominance -my dad could receive revalation for me.

i hated this environment, I was being programed but resisting

they weren't growing my mind but working to control it -the machine and my parents the lemmings on site! yuck


must sleep.. Good Night for now, more later..