I want to back up a little bit, just so I can sort this nonsense out in my head, and also in case any one wants to know why I left. I often wonder what I will say to my family when they finally ask me if I still have a testimony, and why I haven't gone back. I still haven't quite figured out what I will say but this is what pushed me away.

I grew up in a Mormon family. My mom has served several leadership callings in the church as well as my dad being in the bishopric. I honestly believed the church with all my heart. I tried reading the book of mormon every day, I finished the personal progress program, never missed seminary, church or mutual. I also had callings in the church, but left while I was 19 years old which was before I could actually go through the temple.

I didn't start to have issues with the church until I was about 17 years old. That's when I started dating this mormon boy I had met at a friends home. He was sweet as could be (at least that's what I though) and he was my first boyfriend, so of course I thought I was in love. We went to church together, watched conference together, the whole 9 yards. At some point he snapped and I found out his real side. One day while talking on the phone he told me if we prayed to God and asked him to marry us that he would spiritually marry us and then it wouldn't matter if we had sex or not!! Wtf!! I of course told him no! He was wanting to push our physical relationship further than what I wanted. He ended up being sexually and verbally abusive.

Me being the naive mormon girl that I was, thought I was in the wrong so I confessed to my bishop and told him that my boyfriend and I had went further than we should have. Of course I was told to read the miracle of forgiveness, which made me feel absolutely horrible. I also had the sacrament taken away from me (which is humiliating)....I never quite understood why the sacrament would be taken away from you, if your sins and relationship with God were personal, why brodcast to the whole congregation that you're not worthy enough to take it??

Anyways my boyfriend kept being abusive, he even told me it was my fault, I did the best I could trying to get him to stop and telling him no. Finally I told my bishop I was doing the best I could and the he wouldn't leave me alone....my bishop felt horrible, because of course he knew then that I hadn't done anything wrong. Since then any LDS guy I dated just wanted to mess around. Probably because they've been holding it in so long they couldn't control themselves? who knows. Anyways I eventually met my now husband who has never been mormon. He's been the most respectable Man I've ever had the chance of meeting :)

Sorry this is so long...anyways....of course my parents did everything they possibly could to keep my from having contact from my now husband...we'll call him John. My father always had anger issues...we were never hurt or anything as kids but he could definitely yell, and throw things if he wanted too. Eventually I moved out of the house, to another state to live with family because my parents and I were fighting so much. I never have moved back to Utah...I dont think I ever will.

The emails I recieved from my parents were endless. Saying how I was the one who changed, I've dissapointed the family, I'm not allowed to talk to my sisters anymore. I was called a slut, and loose. I was told I couldn't keep my legs closed....this was after I moved in with John. They reffered to John as my sex partner and wouldn't even call either of us by name. I wasn't allowed to be friends with my family on fb because apparently I was a bad example... They refused to meet my John until after we had been together over 3 years and were getting married. Oh lets not mention that the wedding was a huge fight as well. My parents talked about us bad enough to my siblings that they wouldn't even listen to my side of things.

Things are much better now. Ater the wedding they cooled down, and we haven't fought since. Hopefully it stays that way. My husband and I are flying to Utah next week, which I'm actually excited for. However I was asked to do a duet with my sister in sacrament meeting, and also there will be a ward party and a temple open house...It will be interesting to go through the temple open hosue after leaving the church and knowing what I know. My family's lives are obviously still dedicated to the church. I have several family members on missions right now and I feel so guilty for even being on this site :( I've done nothing but research the church's history these past few months. I used to know that I wanted a big family, now I don't know if I will ever want kids, I used to know what I wanted to do with school, becasue I was just told to listen to the spirit and it would all work out, but now things just seem really confusing. I wasn't meaning to sound whiney in this post, but those were my sincere feelings at the time. I'm still hurt and confused about the church, but eventually like with all things, this will pass. Thanks for listening :)