This is my story so far. I’m not very good with words or my writing so I apologize. This is an extremely shortened version.

I was BIC to a convert Dad and a BIC Mom with lots of Mormon pioneer heritage. I grew up in Utah. 7 kids in my family. I never really fit in with them. My family was super TBM and I was always the “black sheep”. I always hated going to church and having to wear a Sunday dress all day. Modesty was upheld to the extreme. My sisters definitely fit the “Molly Mo/Holier than thou” image. My parents are great parents…. Just super TBM.

During my teenage years I started really not loving church or feeling like I fit in. I had moments of trying hard to “feel the spirit”, but it didn’t happen. I somewhat enjoyed Sunday school because of a few guys in my ward that I got to spend more time with. Which leads to getting into “trouble” with a few of them. A few things I remember from then...
1. I didn’t feel bad about messing around with those guys.
2. I did however feel like I couldn’t lie to my bishop. He in turn wanted to know everything in detail and had me repeat several points of it. Shortly after this his son who was my friend (not one I messed around with) told me his dad said he couldn’t hang out with me anymore. Also, I was not allowed to graduate from Seminary because my bishop deemed me Unworthy…. But crazy thing is that the guy the unworthiness was with DID get to graduate seminary. I was hurt, but only now realize how horribly wrong all of that was…. And not on my part.
I had to deal with people talking behind my back because of all of it. It sucked.

After High school I met a guy (Mormon but more of a jackmo). We started dating and he introduced me to my first taste of alcohol. After about 2 months he date raped me. After that he convinced me that it was all my fault and that since I’d already done “it” I’d might as well continue. Yes I believed it. I knew I was already going to hell for it so I’d might as well have fun. He used me and then dumped me a few months later. (He went on a mission a year later and is now married in the temple)

A few months later I met some new friends and decided to go back to church and be a good Mormon girl. Talked to the bishop. Not as big of a perv as my last bishop. Tried the whole repentance process for my “date rape” + more history. Gave it an honest shot but didn’t feel any different.

5 months later I met a guy and we started dating. He proposed. I accepted because I figured that he knew my past and I was lucky to find a guy that was okay with “used goods”. We were married in the St. George temple. I was 19. He did a total 180 on our honeymoon night. Suddenly he was super controlling and the biggest ass I’d ever met. It was so bad that even a marriage counselor through the church told me to run. Also my Stake president told me I would not be held accountable for the divorce because he was such a jerk. 17 months of hell later I left him. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

3 months later the divorce was final and I went to a Singles ward up in Utah county and met my now dh. We married in the Salt Lake temple. I was 21.

Fast forward 8 years and 4 kids later. I have never been one to happily accept callings or be super gung-ho about church and have been semi-active my whole married life.
My dh was going to be graduating from BYU and we wanted to move out of Utah. He told me (July 9, 2012) that because of moving I needed to get a testimony for myself and not rely on his or my parents testimonies anymore. I told him (as I had many times over the years) that I hated my garments. He told me to start there and to try and gain a testimony of the garments. I tried, but found crap. Tried more, found more crap. Basically after that I couldn’t stop looking. I tried History of the Church, Journal of Discourses etc. and all I found was disturbing information. I took it all to DH and asked if what I was reading was true or false. He searched the topics and found the same as me. He then said not to tell him anymore because he was still at BYU. I didn’t listen and kept telling him more and more.

I took off my garments a week later and only went to church occasionally to keep up the appearance for my husbands sake. Decided I wanted to have my 5th baby and got preggo that same month.

I then contacted a friend from my ward when I was a teenager who I knew had left the church and got some good advice and was directed to rfm. Studied and studied on and off for months. Basically deconverted my dh.

Beginning of April 2013- My sister was getting married the end of April and I knew I didn’t want to renew my TR and I didn’t want to go in the temple again. I had kept quiet around family until a discussion about the church and gay people came up. I couldn’t hold it in…… it all came out!!! There was a lot of crying but they were surprisingly nicer about it than I thought they would be. DH had to start his new job, so he moved 3 weeks before me and the kids.

My sisters wedding- I stood outside the temple and waited. Got some looks from relatives as they came out of the temple. Wasn’t as bad as I had prepared myself for.

Now I’ve moved to another state. My Dad called the bishop of our new ward and let him know we were here. We’ve had many people from church stop by…. Missionaries too. I’m so sick of it. I wore a tank top last week when the EQ presidency stopped by. It felt great!

For a while my Dad refused to discuss church things with me so I talked to @anointedone to get advice since his son is my parents SP (parents moved to London for a few years for work). I caused drama and am now having weekly discussions via facetime with my Dad about the church topics I’m having issues with. I have hopes of my Dad finding something and leaving the church. Don’t think it’s going to happen. So far everything has just strengthened his testimony. Starting to think it's all pointless.

My oldest just turned 8 and is not getting baptized as of right now.

I feel happier most of the time (discussions with my parents about church bring me down).

I love not wearing garments. DH loves both of us not wearing garments.

I think we are both leaning Agnostic but possibly Atheist.

I love being able to think for myself on how to raise my family. 5 kids outside of Utah is pretty crazy.

I feel like I’m a nicer person now. I’m less judgmental.

No plans of resigning yet. DH’s family knows we aren’t really going to church, but they don’t know the details yet.

My marriage is SO much better!!! Happy to be on the same page! 10 year anniversary is coming up next spring!

In the last few weeks I've found several people I know who have or are leaving the church- even one on rfm!!!

I still catch myself worrying that I might be wrong….