I was born into the "covenant" and like many i have read about grew up LDS! I attended seminary, earned my Eagle Scout which i do not regret, i was ordained in the Aaronic priesthood. I was a child of guilt, i never took, or participated in the sacrament when i was "not" worthy. I like a lot of yourh found i liked to exprience worldly things. I grew up on the border of Mexico, so it was easy to party in my youth without thinking twice about it. I grew up with a great set of friends who were also lds. I guess as a teenager i started to realize things about how you are treated when you are not precieved as being a good mormon. My mother, when i was 6 decided to divorce my father who had several adulterous affairs and been excomunicated for his actions. I did not know at the time, but my mothers family treated us different, all but my grandmother. My grandfather refused to help us when we struggled while my mom finished her teaching degree to support 4 young children. Her siblings treated us like second class citizens anyyime we went to visit. When i was 14 i tried drugs and drinking for the first time. Along with my best friend of now 30 years. We started smoking and did not really hide it from a NJ yone. That is when the talk about us really started getting bad. They labled us "lost souls" for our sins. You know as a young teen that is more demoralizing and harsh than failing school, or not making the football team. As i grew older i would clean up and repent for short periods of time, and got ordained a priest when i was 16, more for saving disappoint mlfor my mother. When i turned 18 i moved to the Grand Canyon to work. On a night that my life forever changed i was arrested for smoking marijuana and convicted shortly after. This is when the shunning began. I could not belive that people i knew my whole life including family would treat my the way i was treated. I served my punishment, and still continued to attend church. When i was 21 i moved to Arizona with that same friend. While working with another one of our friend we grew up with, who had found his way back to church, i decided i would give it a try. For 6 months i lived a "clean, moral" life. That is when i realized that my testimony did not exist. I stopped attending church, but my family knew nothing of the struggle within. I felt like i betrayed all i knew and was. Over the years i have masked the pains of these feelings. My m other continued to always push me to go back to church, i would give excuses, i married my wife in 2002 when i was 24. She is a catholic. My extended family dealt with my wife never really accepting her, all but my Nana. Nana loved my wife, and thought the world of this beautiful soul i married. My mother got to know my wife when my grandmother was in her final stages of life battling and finally succubimg to cancer. All throughy struggles i have still held onto the guilt, that is until this year. I lost my mother last year to disease, i watched her family at the funeral and rwalized that they were a bunch of judgemental jerks who looked down at all of us still to that day. I am 38 years old, i have college degree, 4 beautiful children "nonLDS". I have always provided for my family without asking for help. I recently let my kithers family know how ifelt about them and the true teachings they taught me through their action as well as those from my youth who labled me LOST. I admit i still have guilt about leaving the church, and letting go of all that i knew and believed, but the truth is there and i think i will get over this grief in time as well. I have been watching and reading this forum for a long time, this is my first post! Growing up there was a group of 6 of us in church that were and are friends, only one has remained active. Let me just thank any of you reading this for taking the time to listen. For any that are wondering or contemplating their beliefs, i have this simple advice seek the truth in your own heart and mind, leave others point of view out of your decisions! It took me 22 years to figure out! I am still learning how to live and "recover".


Yours in all,
Chefoflife