My story into, and out of, Mormonism, has origins before I ever formally joined the church.

I didn't grow up in a religious or spiritual household. I think I always believed in God, or some sort of being. Growing up, I went to an Evangelical Free Church with my neighbors, probably from the ages of 9 or 10, until I was 18. I was involved with Awanas on Wednesdays and youth group on Sunday evenings. I was baptized by the pastor when I was a teenager, probably around age 14 or so.

Two things happened in my later years there that I think had a direct impact on my eventual conversion to Mormonism. First, I remember reading the creation story in Genesis, and asking my pastor what was meant when God made man in "our" image. The doctrine of the Trinity was something that I don't know if I comprehended at that time. Another was membership in that church. There was a guy a few years older than me named Jon, who was very active in volunteering with our youth group. All of us kids loved him. He spent a lot of time unpaid helping us. He applied for membership in that church, and was rejected by the membership.

When I was in high school and immediately after, I worked at Taco Bell. I was crushing pretty hard on a girl there. We spent a lot of time together. She had a boyfriend but spent most of her time with me. I later came to realize that she used me to buy her alcohol and marijuana, which we did together frequently. Little did I know that this girl had recently joined the LDS church. The missionaries who had just baptized her figured out that she was back in to drugs already and stopped by to visit her every day. They seemed like pretty cool people. There were two "Elders" and two "Sisters". I quickly befriended them and they came over to my friend's house, and eventually they stopped coming to see her and instead were interested in talking just to me. I started hanging out with them on p-day, going grocery shopping with them or going to the laundromat. One of the sisters was pretty cute and I think she realized I was interested in her. I had no idea exactly what the nature of their mission was and the rules prohiting dating and such. I started talking to the one sister missionary on the phone daily. Often times she would talk to me after her companion had gone to bed. I had no idea this was inappropriate.

The last week of November were "transfers". I had no idea what that meant. I went to the mall with all 4 missionaries the day before transfers. Sister Cutie said "I know that I'm leaving tomorrow, but there is something going on at church Sunday night that I think you should check out". She was inviting me to the First Presidency Christmas Devotional. I went and listened to Presidents Faust, Monson, and Hinckley. I don't remember specifically what was said, but I remember feeling a "warm fuzzy feeling" during what I'm now sure were pretty generic messages about Jesus and Christmas. It did feel good. After the missionaries asked me what I thought and asked if I'd be interested in learning more. I agreed.

The very next night I started the discussions (this was before the new Preach My Gospel or whatever it is called). One of the very first, if not first, discussion was about the First Vision, where the "true nature" of the Godhead was revealed to Joseph Smith. This was interesting to me, because as I previously mentioned, I struggled with the Trinity anyways. Another thing that helped to suck me in was membership in the church. All I had to do was follow the rules and believe certain things, and I could be a member. No being voted down because somebody didn't like me. During the 2nd discussion the missionaries asked me if I'd commit to baptism into the true church. I said yes, not realizing they were actually asking me RIGHT THEN to commit!

I quickly gained a testimony of the Book of Mormon and of the Prophet Joseph Smith based on the "warm fuzzy feeling" that I then learned was the Holy Ghost telling me the things I was learning were true. I was baptized less than a month later, on December 31, 1995. I was 18 years old. I gave up the drinking and drugs and spent nearly every waking moment with the Elders. Going with them to appointments. Tracting. Just hanging out. That summer, there was a really trunky elder who didn't want to work anymore, and we went to get ice cream several times a day. I legitimately did enjoy those times.

Not long after I joined, my stepmom's boss gave me a video to watch called The Godmakers. I watched it against the advice of church members, thinking that even though I was a new convert, I was strong enough in my testimony that it wouldn't affect me. And really, at that time I don't think it did. It did bring up some doubts, but I wanted so badly to believe that the things I learned were true, that I hadn't been duped, that as a new priest I had the authority to act in the name of God, that families could live together forever, that I was willing to ignore any doubts I had.

Soon I was approached by my bishop about the possibility of serving a mission. Sure, I had my doubts, but I thought what better way to work it out than to serve a mission. Surely that would help cement my testimony. I took another job that was higher paying, in hopes of being able to save money, however, I was physically unable to do the job and got stuck working at another fast food place. Thankfully members of the ward had committed to pay my way for the full two years.

While at my new job, I met a girl. I had never had a girlfriend before and wow, here was a girl who was REALLY in to me. However, I let it be known that I was not interested in anything long term because I was planning on leaving on a mission for my church. We ended up dating a bit. I maintained worthiness, got a temple recommend, and was endowed in February 1997. Sometime after my endowment, I had an interview with my bishop, at which point I was still worthy. However, before my interview with my stake president, I broke the Law of Chastity. I lied to the stake president, maintaining my worthiness, because I so desperately wanted to go on a mission. Somehow the stake president was not able to use the gift of discernment to determine that I lied.

I left in April 1997 to go to the MTC. I was called to serve in the California San Bernardino Mission. I was in the MTC for 4 weeks instead of the usual 3 because of some weird telemarketing thing they were doing. I made it through the MTC and headed to California. It was awesome there, beautiful weather, not like back home in Iowa. However, after a few weeks, I was so overcome with guilt that I told my mission president that I had lied, that I wasn't worthy, and I didn't know what to do. The mission president said he wasn't sure I had to go home, that maybe I could work out my repentence in the field, and I was willing to do that if it were an option. I don't think he really believed me, he thought I was homesick. He made me call my girlfriend on speakerphone and apologize to her for having sex with her, with him listening, before he believed I was serious. A week later I was back home. I was so disappointed and embarassed to come back home to the people who had so much faith in me. Thankfully most everyone welcomed me back with open arms.

I continued dating that girl when I got home. We were engaged to be married the next May. As a consequence of my transgressions, I was disfellowshipped from the church. I left my letter laying around and my stepmom found it. We got into a huge fight and as a result, she kicked me out of the house over my choice of religion. I moved in with my fiancee and her parents in August 1997. Somehow during this time, the missionaries got in contact with my fiancee and she took the discussions, and in November 1997 she was baptized by my friend (I was still disfellowshipped at this time). The next month my fiancee's parents told us we needed to move out and get our own place, and since we couldn't "live in sin" we got married on a whim.

I eventually regained fellowship into the church. We had a son. When he was about 14 months old, in May 2000, we were sealed in the Chicago Illinois Temple. A year later we had a daughter who was born in the covenant. During this time we were TBM, at least in actions. We held callings. I attended the temple as often as I could. Paid tithing. Had family scripture times. I still had doubts about the church, but I now had an eternal family to worry about.

In April 2009, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. (We eventually divorced about a year later). It shook me. Making things worse, my home teacher and another member told me "You must not be doing something right. You're not reading your scriptures, or paying your tithing, or something, or else Heavenly Father wouldn't be letting this happen." Yes, it was true, I was offended. I stopped going to church, the decision was really easy. After the seperation, I slept around, a lot. Its not something I'm proud of, but I was trying to fill a void in my life and that was now the only thing that I felt helped.

I always had a sense I would go back though. I had invested too much emotional energy, time, and money to give it up. I dated various women and always took them to Nauvoo (less than a 2 hour drive). It was a part of me and my history.

Eventually I met somebody and we started dating in February 2012. We were married in March 2013. Here an interesting series of events happened that led me back to reactivation in church. First off, I'm a nurse, and around this time we had a patient on my unit who I found out was a member of the church (I had since moved and was in a different ward in a different city and didn't know any of the members). He stated he really wanted a BoM. I called the mission office and told the missionary who answered my name and why I was calling. I stated that I was an inactive member and I was just calling for a patient. The next day the local missionaries delivered the BoM to the patient. Calling the mission office somehow put me back on the church's radar, because the mission emailed me, my first contact from the church in almost 4 years, trying to verify me. I confirmed I was the same member they were looking for. However, it seemed to end there.

That fall was hard for us. In August 2013 my wife's grandfather died, and in November, my father died. I was distraught. My dad was much too young to die. I was shocked, confused, and depressed. As luck would have it, about a month later, the missionaries knocked on our door. I wasn't really interested in talking to them, but I didn't want to be rude, so I chatted with them a few minutes. They asked me if they could call or text and I said they could. I didn't see how it mattered since they had my phone number anyways but I agreed to it. Over the next few weeks they kept calling and texting and I kept blowing them off. Eventually I did respond to their texts and they said they wanted to talk to my wife. I really was not interested in her talking to them but I figured she was an adult and could make her own decisions. She agreed to meet with them.

She started the discussions at the end of January 2014. We started going to church. I met with the bishop and then the stake president. During questioning the stake president discovered that I had had sex while I was still legally married and would have to face a disciplary council. I had been through this before so I knew what to expect. I was (and currently still am) disfellowshipped.

During the discussions I was very careful to not talk too much, or bear my testimony, or anything. I let the missionaries and the member family do all the talking. I stated it was because I didn't want to influence her too much and let her make her own decisions, but in reality, I knew that if I did, she would join the church and I did not want that. She ended up feeling the "warm fuzzy feeling" anyways, and got baptized by one of the missionaries the day before our 1st wedding anniversary. It was a week after her baptism that I was formally disciplined.

We made good friends with the family who invited us in to their home for the discussions. They had a similar situation to us, with a blended family and similar circumstances regarding divorce and periods of inactivity. It was too perfect. They ended up moving this past fall because of a job change, and literally within a week of them moving, they had announced on Facebook that they had left the church. As it turns out, they had each been struggling with the church for a while and kept it from each other. They both said that me being disfellowshipped was something that helped make their decision. The sacrifice of the Savior should have been enough to pay for my sins, they thought, without me needing to be formally disciplined.

I was upset at them. I felt betrayed, because I felt it was because of their strong testimonies that helped my wife convert. If only they hadn't seemed so strong, my wife might not have joined. But I think I was more upset at myself, for allowing myself to remain a member of this church which I was every day beginning to realize wasn't what it seemed. I stopped going to church, blaming my work schedule, while my wife accepted a calling and kept going.

I eventually started to have the courage to really begin to explore the possibility of leaving the church a few months ago, when my home teacher came over. By this point I was several months inactive. I allow him in because I really think he is a cool guy. I don't know how it came up but he told us about how he and his wife had an "inactivy bucket list", a list of things they would do if they ever were inactive. Little did he know he was giving me the courage to finally leave.

I have spent the past few months really exploring the church. The problems with the BoM. Joseph Smith's failed "prophecies" and failed business dealings. Plural marriage, Joseph Smith marrying women who were already married, and marrying young girls. These were all things I had learned about long ago but learned to ignore because I wanted the church to be true. Sadly (or not), its false. I have been duped, and have spent the past 19 years of my life, during periods of activity and inactivity, believing in a lie.

I've been to the temple a few dozen times. It is something that fascinates me. The ceremony of it all. The signs and tokens. Its really interesting. Also, its really based on Freemasonry, not divinely inspired. I NEVER felt comfortable during temple ceremonies. I wanted it to be true all while believing it was fake and made up. I'll miss the fellowship. But that alone isn't reason enough to stay in a false church.

I struggle now with what to believe. I'm not sure what to believe. The church that I at one time believed to be "the one true church" is far from that. I'll take my time exploring before jumping in to anything again, that's for sure.

By the way, this past Sunday I emailed church headquarters on behalf of my wife and myself, resigning our memberships in the church. Thursday I got the form letter in the mail along with the propragand pamphlet. Its only a matter of time now.

P.S. Sometimes my wife agrees to things that I know she really doesn't want to do because she wants to "make me happy". I remind her, "The last time you did that you joined a cult!"