My Non-Conversion Story, In fairly chronological order:

Step1. I wanted to know who I really am, without feeling like someone was always breathing down my neck, bribing me (blessings), threatening me (punishment). If everything you've ever done was just in response to bribery and threats, then who are you really? You don't know who would choose to be, or what you would choose to do, without those external forces. I was hungry, starving, desperate to know who I really was. Was I really a nice person? Would I really choose to do good (being kind and compassionate) even without any promised blessing or punishment? (happy to report in the affirmative)

Step2. Love. I didn't realize this one until after I had tentatively, experimentally, stepped back from the Church. I had intended to just kind of “take off my Church-colored glasses,” just kind of experiment with being a non-member, for one week. I unliked and unfollowed all the church related things on my facebook and youtube accounts, didn't got to FHE or Institute. All that jazz. And within the first day or two, I noticed a substantial, nay, shocking boost in my ability to be compassionate towards other people. I know, it seems contradictory considering the Church's “official” stance on being compassionate to all people, but in the actual practice of the Church, I've noticed that you just can't help but think, at some level, “Wrong. Bad. Not good” whenever you see someone with tattoos, or smoking, or drinking, or with multiple piercings, etc. But during just the first day of my “experiment” I noticed that my ability to love and relate to and have compassion and empathy for other people, all kinds of other people, was remarkably, fantastically, increased. No more judging superficial things. No more superiority complex. I LOVED IT.

Step3. Deciding what I really believed, and what I really didn't. The latter was much easier than the former. I quickly found that I had no moral qualms regarding coffee, tea, tattoos, piercings, crazy hair dye, alcohol (excepting abuse), bare shoulders, rated R movies, mature responsible sex (even premarital, I know, shocker. Though adultery during marriage is definitely still a big No-No to me). I am not saying I did all of these things, because I didn't and haven't, and possibly won't. Just that I decided my own, real, personal stance on them and how I wanted to move forward with my life. During this time I also experienced the joy (and, I'll admit, no small amount of trepidation about possibly getting struck by lightning) of transferring the money from my tithing checking account to my spending account, and removing tithing from my monthly budgets (I indulged in a small shopping spree, hehe). As for what I still believe, there are still lots of things that I am taking with me from my time being gung-ho Mormon. That process of deciding what to take and what to leave behind was initiated by my finally, truly embracing this deep inner core part of myself, part of my conscience, that revolves around the truth of “matching theory to data,” and NOT the other way around. I say this because that concept is just so innately truly true to me, to the very center of my being, always has been. And one of the main reasons why I am leaving the Church is because, with the Church's help, and my apparently pretty powerful creativity, I have gotten really REALLY good at forcing data to fit preexisting paradigms. Like, if I could find a way to make money using that talent to manipulate data, I would be very very rich. But, as I'm sure you noticed, that goes directly against that core part of my conscience. And I cannot deny that innate truth within myself anymore. I can't go on lying to myself, nor to the girls to whom I've taught lessons in RS. I cannot continue using my creative powers in that way. It is wrong. Anyway, to get back to what I'm taking with me from the Church, to what I have been able to find I actually do believe, it's generally pretty simple: I believe in a loving God/creator. I believe that spirits/souls are eternal. I believe in the power of Love, and that to love and be kind and helpful is the greatest accomplishment (the Golden Rule is still Golden). I know that I really really want children even without a religion telling me to want them. I know that I will love them. And many other things that stem from those general statements. Another semi-related reason for leaving the church: I realized the main reason I'd be staying would be out of fear. Fear of being damned. Fear of letting people down. Not staying because I was a believer. I'd be staying for very wrong reasons. That alone would be reason enough to me to deeply reconsider my convictions.

Step4. Not quitting cold turkey. Because this change in my religious view happened so suddenly (within a week I went from 130% Mormon to pretty much apostate), my dear friend M, who is agnostic and very accepting of religions and world views, actually encouraged me to keep going to “at least the minimum amount of church, at least go to church on sunday if you're not comfortable going to activities during the week. You don't want to be too rash about this, this is a huge decision and a huge change in your life that will effect your very identity.” It was because he knows me to be a very black-n-white, all-or-nothing, go-big-or-go-home kind of person, and he didn't want me to whiplash, or pendulum swing, too far and end up “over correcting” if you will (going all kinds of crazy and rebellious). Also, he didn't want me to regret later in life leaving the Church too hastily, just in case it turned out to be just “burn out” from being too 130% all the time, having all the callings, going to all the activities, all of the temple trips, etc. but then finding out later that I still believe it all to be true, and then having to deal with the regret and guilt that would come with that. While I didn't totally 100% agree with him on that, because he couldn't feel what I was feeling, I acknowledged that he had a good point, and it wouldn't hurt to continue going to just the sunday meetings and letting my defection happen more gradually. Though damn do I just wanna rip the bandaid off, lol. But luckily I have wise, loving friends. He also pointed out that leaving so suddenly would, to my friends in the Church, kind of be like breaking up with someone suddenly, out of the blue, after 26 years of seeming-bliss, with absolutely no warning. Which I agree would be unnecessarily hurtful, and I don't like causing unnecessary pain when I can help it. And, honestly, I didn't want to negatively impact anybody else's testimonies with my defection or my reasons for defecting, because if they're truly happy in the Church, more power to them. And, if they ended up defecting as well, neither of us would ever really know if they were leaving for their own reasons or just because I left first. I don't know, it just doesn't feel right. So, I continued attending church, and gleaning from the lessons what I could, with the support of my agnostic and strictly non-organized-religion friend M (which circumstance I still find hilarious).

Anyway, so that's where I'm at now. I've been mentally “out” for almost a month now. I've warned my parents, my non-Mormon sister (defected during high school), and my Mormon roommate who is attached to my hip (my best friend), and my ever-so-loving Bishop, about the very real possibility of my leaving the Church (taking M's advice on not whip-lashing them). My parents (who are Mormon) basically said “We'll always love you no matter what, this is a good time in your life when you can explore and find your identity.” My sister had lots of questions, wanted to make sure I was operating on good reasons. My roommate/bestfriend is lovingly concerned but respectful. My Bishop tried valiantly not to cry. That was hard. Oh, and I also warned my RS president, since I am her second counselor and no longer going to activities that, according to my calling, I am supposed to be planning (awkward) (Bishop convinced me to keep the calling for “at least another month” till they have a “restructuring of the RS presidency anyway”). But she has been such a darling about it, with “Oh honey you just do what you need to do” and “I'll always love you” and “If you need anything,” and “Do you need me to heart attack you?” and the like, hahah, she's an awesome person. Now to tell my other littlest sister, who is currently at BYU-I (my alma mater). And if her facebook speaks to anything, she is very very VERY much in the Mormon “bubble” that even a lot of Mormons (at least outside of Utah and Idaho) hate because it's so “Pharisaical.” I get the heeby jeebies just thinking about her possible reactions. But I would hate for her to find out from anyone other than me. Aaaaahh this is hard. But I'm also having a blast with all this freedom! I mean, I could become a tattoo artist if I wanted to, that'd be fun! And I bought and wore a tank top for the first time in 20-some-odd years (they were my absolute favorite article of clothing before my dad cracked down on modesty when I was little).
As M has said: “You're going to be okay.” And I think I will believe him on that.