Date: November 30, 2023 02:29AM
This is a long story from one who is old. I will try to be as succinct as possible. I was a teenager in the 60's, in a south eastern state. In Mormonism I always felt like the square peg in the round hole. Always raised too many uncomfortable questions, putting myself on the periphery. Due to certain pressures I found myself at BYU after high school. Coming to Utah at the time felt like a whole other planet. Changed a lot since those days. Eventually I married into it.
My husband was then inactive and I didn't detect any signs of fanaticism but that all changed later in our mid thirties. I had all kinds of issues with the church, the entire weird history, JS, the claims of divine origination, the fantastical claims about polygamy, the super high demands, on and on and on. Way before the internet, I went to the library in the big city we were living in and started digging, and dug right into the Journal of Discourses which struck me as lunacy. My husband became the polar opposite. Force was his only skill and many fights ensued on behalf of my children. None of whom are in it now. I was castigated for "not supporting " him to which I replied I was never going to support stupidity.
I developed so much deep anxiety and depression. I hated going to those meetings with a passion. I went along to get along, to keep the peace. I was afraid. The more insightful members picked up on it. I was on the fringes.
Finally, something snapped in my 70's. The catalyst came at a sacrament meeting when we all had to stand and sing, "Hail to the Prophet."
My gut said oh hell no, I am done, and I was. Never went back, much to the chagrin and embarrassment of my husband. Now after cajoling and attempts at convincing me otherwise, the thinly veiled shunning began. I had experienced many painful conditions prior to that, chronic problems that continued to worsen or new ones emerged. Then came the manipulation. I wouldn't have these problems if I was on the Mormon crazy train, if I would just read the Book of Mormon, etc., etc. Get my head right.
I have been shunned, ignored, manipulated, disrespected and dismissed. All affection, companionship, conversation ceased. It's absolute emotional and spiritual abuse.
I never had much emotional support or empathy, but now that I'm old and struggling every day, I have even less because I got off the reservation. I consider myself a mainstream Christian who has a fervent belief in the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, but that my children and I were deeply hurt by Mormonism. A cruel irony brought us back to Utah a long time ago where I feel very isolated and alone.