I am a lifelong member of the LDS church. I grew up going to Primary, MIA, seminary, all the meetings that were expected of me. I remember, even as a child, I felt I had to be not only perfect, but 110 per cent perfect, in order to feel truly adequate in the eyes of my parents, my church and God.

All my life I have been wracked with guilt, scared to death about doing anything the church would consider transgression, especially sexual immorality. I'd listen to general conference talks with fear and loathing in my heart. Everything seemed to center on personal worthiness, and that anything less made a person unclean, and even "filthy"in the eyes of the Lord. When I went to standards night at mutual (the youth auxilliary group) it scared and sickened me. We were lambasted with strict admonitions against sexual sin. I remember one woman who actually stood before us, with wide, wild eyes, and shook her finger at as, saying,"NO PETTING!". I think of it now and it makes me laugh---even back then I thought it was weird---but it still scared the hell out of me, and into me.

As time went on, I developed a serious case of OCD. I have a genetic predisposition for major depression, as my grandfather and aunt on my mom's side had it really bad, so I'm sure I would've gotten it anyway, but the guilt and shame the church ingrained in me really fueled the flames of my disfunction. I ended up having a complete nervous breakdown, followed by multiple hospitalizations, and even shock treatments. I had to spend 18 months in a residential facility for seriously mentally ill patients. Although the staff there was very kind, that year and a half was pure hell. I never thought I'd get out, and I agonized about guilt issues connected to all those lectures on immorality and such.

Fortunately enough, I was able to be released and return to "normal" life again, but I still suffer from OCD, depression, and bipolar disorder, and have had to be hospitalized again, although not for an extended period of time. I've had to accept that I'll always deal with mental health issues---time has proved they'll never go away. I know I can't completely blame the church for this, but I know the content of my obsessions and my depression is directly linked to the fear and loathing I experienced through my activity in the LDS church.

About 7 years ago, I decided I'd had enough, and I didn't want to join another ward when I moved out of a previous one (and an excellent one, at that). I started drinking coffee, tea, and alcohol. I never thought I'd EVER be okay with that. At times, I even questioned a couple of bishops about whether Coca-Cola was against the WoW. Remember, this was the girl that was pathologically obsessed with righteousness---I would NEVER have considered breaking the WoW, the law of chastity, anything that would remotely be considered seriously questionable in the eyes of the church. I had my faults, I could never be perfect, of course, but to go from straight arrow to inactive WoW breaker was pretty mind-bending for someone like me.

Since I've been inactive, I still have many problems, but I'm so glad I stopped being so rigid about stuff that is so miniscule. Trying to keep all the commandments according to church specifications drove me crazy, in the literal sense of the word. I've lost precious years to mental and emotional turmoil that I can never recover, and I'm dealing with terrible regret and sadness over that.

I'm still on the fence about whether I still believe in the church. I know I have to take responsibility for my response to my mental illness, and any actions I take. I can't fully blame the church for all my problems. Still, as I look over my life as a TBM, I can see now that I was never happy in the church. I wandered around in a guilt-ridden state all the time, and I never liked going to all the meetings or holding the callings I was assigned. Most were so lame,like mingle coordinator, which consisted of mixing up punch and setting out cookies and treats for the monthly mingles (church socials) held in my single's ward.

I'm so relieved I don't have to deal with all that nonsense anymore. I even realize that I didn't like going to Primary as a young child, but I was too indoctrinated to skip it. Fear ruled my life, and I became an emotional cripple because of it. I think my break with the church has been healthy in that I'm learning to think more moderately, and not goading myself so harshly to strictly adhere to Mormon doctrines and expectations.
As I've studied church history, my mind has been open even further, as I've discovered the amount of deceit involved in the teachings of JS and other church presidents and apostles. I realize that even the most well-intentioned priesthood holders
don't have the "mantle" of authority, and to not trust solely in the arm of flesh, as it were. I still believe in God and Christ, and, ironically, I have a better understanding and appreciation of his works and what he stood for than I ever did as an active Mormon. The Christ I believe in is kind and merciful, as opposed to the shaming, blaming, damning one I was always taught about in TSSC.

At any rate, I am still in the process of recovering, and it may take several years, if not the rest of my life, to find peace and resolution with Mormonism. I still vacillate between belief and firm skepticism. But at least I'm not the same hopeless hostage I once was to the LDS church, and it feels good. I'm grateful that, in spite of my slavish devotion to it, I was able to allow myself to be human enough to walk away, and not crucify myself for things like drinking coffee. At least it's a step in the right direction.