Hey there! I apologize if this is long winded!

I'm a LONG time lurker, mostly on and off over the years, as I went through periods of being active (for my kids sake) and inactive (current and forever). I'm still trying to figure out my story, but I DO know that I do not believe the Mormon church, at all. I'm 32 years old, currently separated from my husband for a little over a year, have 2 beautiful boys, 7 and 15months. I'm originally from Long Beach, CA.

I was born and raised in the LDS church, my mom had me in high school, and was inactive and all that so I mostly went with my aunt or grandfather. When my mother remarried when I was 6, she became a Mormon fanatic! Her new husband (I consider him my only father) was LDS and she straightened up and they went through the temple. As most little kids, I never questioned the church. But when it came time to be baptized, I was hands down against it. I cant really tell you why, I just KNEW I didn't want to be "forever" tied to a religion. However, when I announced my protest, I was quickly grounded and my life outside church and school ceased to exist. I finally gave in about a month later and that was the beginning of the end.

I did the obligatory fake talks in primary, primary programs in sacrament meeting...all that. To the outside world, I looked like the paragon of Mormonism. When I was at church or a church activity, I would question EVERYTHING any leader presented to us. I cannot tell you how many times I was sent home or "talked to" by the Primary President, YW President, Bishop...dear God I was lectured at least once a week and my parents HATED it, they were embarrassed because of course, THEIR salvation was based on my performance.

When I was 17 I was called as the Laurel President..LOL, I told the Bishop NO FREAKING WAY. I wasn't worthy, I drank, fooled around with boys AND girls (he nearly had a heart attack on that one)..blah blah blah. I THOUGHT I was talking to him in confidentiality...apparently not. My parents FLIPPED their shit and I was grounded once again until I agreed. Well that never happened. I took the grounding and when I turned 18, halfway through my senior year, got the F*CK out! I moved out and didn't return to to church until I was 23 years old. And only then because my new husband, (who was an inactive Bishops son, found God in Boot camp and asked if I'd go back to church.) Once we moved to Europe, that went out the window though.

Over the last few years, I've really been into church history, as is my husband who has already left the Mormon church. The things I've learned about JS, BY and how this whole farce came to be, has blown my mind. I constructed a list of about 100 questions, topics, and things I wanted answers too, but nobody in the church would answer them for me. I went to my dad, but he'd always give me a round about answer and tell me to "pray about it." uh, no thanks! I am now 100% inactive, have been for a few years.

Here is my dilemma...I now currently live in Utah. In a small city in Utah County, my city is about 95% LDS. My direct subdivision is almost 100% LDS, and my RSP lives next door and my Bishop a few houses down. Ya...every single neighbor on every single side of me + 3 houses in all directions are LDS. I CANNOT escape it! To make matters worse, I have one SIL in the next subdivision, my aunts family in another one a few minutes away (Both are in my stake) and my other SIL who my husband lives with 5 minutes away...they all have children my boys' age, so guess who is now getting pressured to baptize their son? Me. I've been dodging the questions for almost a year now (my son turns 8 this month). The Primary President left a VM on my phone last night asking when I'd like to schedule my sons baptism...um...never? Considering he hasnt been to church in at least a year...and why is she ASSUMING he is? Why not ask me? "Hey Medgirl007, we notice XXX is turning 8, are you guys planning on baptizing him? Just let us know! Thanks!" would have made me feel much less like punching her in the face.

Here is problem #2....after my husband left me last year, I have occasionally used the Bishops Storehouse and the church paid for my marriage counseling for a year, so I DO feel bad, I'm a good person, and I don't like doing things like abusing "the system" or anything, so I put on a happy face when anyone in my ward talks to me or invites me to this or that (Ooh I'd love too....but I'm busy...thanks though, maybe next time!) and I went to church a few times to "show face." I dont want to now be like, "Oh hey, your church sucks! thanks for the food and counseling!" So I keep putting on a happy face and I HATE it! I have to sneak alcohol into my house for hells sake, because I feel like I'm being watched. Its so freaking annoying.

Last problem: My grandfather, who pretty much raised me until my mom remarried, who I lived with when I moved out of my house and I cared for my grandmother while she fought cancer. We're TIGHT. He is amazing. But, he's very active in the church, and if he ever knew that I left the church, I honestly believe it would kill him. So I am afraid to send in my letter of resignation because I'm sooooo afraid it will get back to him, not to mention all my family that live within 5 minutes of me.

I have one year left of medical school, once I graduate, I plan on moving far away from Utah and all of this....so it wont be an issue. So I guess for now, I'll just keep sucking it up and pretending?

Anywho, I guess thats it!

Thanks for listening!