"Hey" to anyone who reads this. I want to send you love. I want to wish peace for all of us.

I am/was a BIC, multi-generation LDS. I love my parents, they are a little bit cracked, but who isn't? They were/are totally brainwashed, so who can blame them for trying to do the same to me? When I had my kids, I felt that they needed a spiritual foundation. I took them to church... and passed down the crazy.

The Branch I grew up in was close-knit, but also welcoming to new members. It was a family atmosphere where everyone was wanted and needed. As soon as I got into school, I sensed that there was one reality in the world, and another for church. This was fine, I didn't really think about it. Evolution is a fact in the world, Adam & Eve is a fact at church. Noah's ark is a fact at church, it is a fable in the world. Nephites and Lamanites are a fact at church, and a pretty freakin' wild story for the rest of the world. I could deal with this by saying to myself,"Something happened to start these legends. I don't know what or how real any of them are, but the church is full of so much good, I should just go with it." At least in a part of my brain I went with it... I never believed the "Lamanite" stuff and lots & lots more, I just believed in HF and Jesus, and had faith that it would all work out.


When I grew up, married and lived in a bigger city, there were stakes and large wards. There were prominant famlies and "poor pitifuls". There were those that fit the mold and those that were pushed to the fringe. By marrying a nevermo, my children and I became, "fringe". We would never be included in camping, boating, travelling to see BYU games with the prominant families. This stung because I was raised in and INclusive mormon church not the EXclusive version I found myself in. I spent years serving in callings, going to and taking my kids to activities, but never really close to anyone...I will share some comments that stuck with me as I got to the point that, enough is enough: Home teacher comes by the house. Hubby and I have been married 10 yrs. and I am expecting 2nd child. Home teacher says,

"Why are you not sealed in the temple? Don't you know that you are raising your children in sin? You must repent and go to the temple and be sealed." hmmm...hubby is nevermo...kinda hard to get in to temple that way...way to make me feel even worse about situation.

Bishop says,"I know you are Sunny Jim's mother, but do you have any other kids?"... My 2 kids and I have sat across the isle from this man for 15 years...never noticed I had a daughter!?!

Invited myself and hubby to Elders Q. dinner and bowling activity I had heard announced. Was called and told that dinner was cancelled - just meet at bowling lanes. When the crowd got there, they were laughing and wearing t-shirts from mexican rest. where they ate the giant burrito!

"These seats are saved", at any ward party

ANYway...I was frozen out of any social relationships, but tried to hold on to the spiritual.

Sadly Hubby#1 decided to go his own way and left. Ater a while I met LDS guy who seemed kind and fun, and could fulfill need for TEMPLE MARRIAGE. My KIDS COULD BE SEALED to us and we could possibly, someday, maybe get in to the CELESTIAL KINGDOM!!!(please picture confetti and streamers covering the screen). When preparing for this triumphal event, I found out that he would not be getting a temple divorce. I would be his second wife. His ex keeps the 1st wife spot. EWWW, I don't want to get into polygamy, even if it is probably all fake and crazy. I decide to trust and go through with it. Sadly, AGAIN, celestial hubby changed his mind and left in 4 months. I find that I cannot get temple divorce. I find that I am married for time and all eternity to FLAKEY LDS guy AND his EXWIFE!!! Well, this situation is ridiculous beyond belief...this, put together with MISOGENY, HOMOPHOBIA, presenting CRAP legends as truth, demanding so much money and time, loading guilt on every man, woman and child, socially EXclusive.....(take a breath)...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I am just not playing this game any more. I can't win. I don't think ANYBODY can win.

I am leaving all the crap behind. I am taking HF and Jesus, because I love them. Guess what I am saying is that I believe in God and Jesus is the vehicle that I have for spirituality. I believe that God manifests in other faiths. I understand and respect those who don't believe, there are plenty of reasons one can site that would support atheism. I just do believe in God, and I am learning Buddhist meditation and teachings. Again, love and peace to all on our journey. It is heart wrenching to leave the church, but you may come to the point where enough is enough.