So I thought I would write this down because I feel the need to tell someone who has been in my shoes and tell me I'm not crazy.

So my family has Generations in the church and I was brough up in the culture. I didn't go religiously but enough. Finally when I got my license at 16 I decided to go to church more because I had a dream about the moon turning blood red and I felt the need to figure out what this ment. Well in YW thats exactly what they were talking about that week and I remember i though to myself "this is a sign!" my aunt and granma told me that it indeed was. I decided to take the disscusions and had two missionaries one of which almost got kicked off his mission for getting to close to a friend of mine. It was highly inappropriate but I ignored it because hey EVERYONE makes mistakes and it's not the church. Well as I took the interviews and they asked me if i believed joseph smith was a prophet I thought in my head "maybe? I guess so? Why not?" i didn't completely lie but in all honesty I didn't believe it. I went religiously every sunday, Tuesday, and any other night I was called for. I never felt a burning in my bosom and I so desperatley wanted to bear my testamony of the church. I was jealous of everyone who felt tge spirit and claimed that they were given an answer by god. I too craved it and was dilligent in my studies and prayed everynight.later on I met my husband (a non-member) and got married and had a child and knew I wanted her to gain morals and values from church. My husband even converted although he did not believe in joseph smith he did it for our family. I was now a picture perfect mormon family. The bishop called us into his office and said that he noticed we were not paying tithing to which I explained. We could barely cover our bills and were realky strughling to make ends meet. He told us that god would provide for us if we had "faith". We did as we were told and got behind in bills and finally we stopped paying tithing because I had quit my job to stay home with our daughter because work was scheduling us the same hours and we couldn't afford daycare. We managed enough and when again we were called out in our faith i said to him. I'm sorry but my family comes first and we cannot afford tithing especially having to ask the state to help us get oil. They let it go and we kept going.

This is where it gets weird but I can sometimes feel spirits or energy around me. I know people may not believe in this but it actually what made me question the church. I was visited by my husbands grand-parents who were together on the other side. I thought to myself well they haven't had their work done? But i could feel them happy and with gid which the church says is impossible unless your sealed to your family. I then started reading a book called the 19th wive which was so informative. I discovered how much of an ass brigham young was and Joseph smith. They LIED and MANIPULATED to marry multiple woman against their will for their own sexual pleasure. I then asked my mother (she was ex-communicated after resigning herself) why she left the church. She told me about the endowment ceremony and how she felt the most EVIL spirit while getting her endowments. That ans when she told church elders she was being molested by her father they did not report it and ignored her. She said tgat getting her endowments made her feel like she did when her father was hovering over her bed. I then looked deeper into their believes and discovered a whole different religion (planet Kolob? Helios?) i did not believe this. I felt so angry that they lied to get me in the door and boom this whole secret society that is beyond sceince fiction. I knew then I was not going to do this anymore. I told my family members who were very active to which I recieved these responses.

Did you pray?
yes and I feel like i'm making the right decision.

How do you know it's not the devil?
How do you you know the devil isn't decieving you? They said in the bible false prophets would come.

Maybe the spirits are in spirit prison getting the gospel and want you to be active in the church. To be sealed to your family?
Then why is it they don't say that to me??

Your losing your testomony and your faith is dying.
No I have never felt more right than right now. You guys are fake. I cannot believe that you buy into this. I don't beliece JS was a prophet and I don't believe in YOUR church of lies and deciet.

Letter went into the mail today. I will never be treated as a second class citizen. I was never good enough and at least now I don't have to be
---Beth