I was a TBM, a BIC kid actually. I got baptized at 8. I was included in all leadership positions imaginable as I grew up -- deacons president, teachers president, priest first counselor, and Youth Conference representative/committee participant. I attended seminary and received a scripture mastery medal. I went on a 2-year mission and completed an honorable mission. I attended Brigham Young University and got married in the temple. I was a teacher in Primary, Sunday School, Priesthood, and missionary preparation classes. I held leadership positions in Elders quorum, High Priests quorum, and in the bishopric. I had four children, of whom I baptized and confirmed myself. I have read the scriptures countless times and memorized a swath of verses by heart. This allows you to imagine what kind of TBM I was.

However, I have always been an independent thinker. I believe in equality and respect for all people. I do not judge or belittle others. I listen and give advice when asked and not unsolicited. I am a well rounded person who is able to get involved in many circles. I am well acquainted with both Mormons and non-Mormons. I travel extensively because of my job and I was able to meet a diverse group of people in which I am grateful to know and to associate with during my life.

The first of the problems came when I believe in resolving conflicts. Some people avoid them. During my mission, I confronted many conflicts with other missionaries. There were issues that was not right for a missionary. I confronted them since I was a leader (I was a district leader and a zone leader). It backfired and I was accused of improper actions. I was sent to a mission court, similar to a church court, without warning and in front of my zone group. I was infuriated with the proceedings. I was found not guilty because no two stories corroborated each other. I was accused of adultery which never happened. I could have left my mission right there. But I continued. I wanted to complete a mission. So I did.

I came home somewhat broken. I struggled to understand the things I have faced on my mission. Why leaders are eager to avoid problems and encouraged us to look forward as if they do not exist. It bothered me for a long time. I healed on my own and went on with my life. As I serve in different positions in the church, I see a slew of problems and of course, I wanted to take action and to solve them. The church appears to take a backward step in doing so. I fought to make things right. Again, things backfired. It appears that they know what is best for me. I once worked for the church. Same thing happened there. There were situations that cause unnecessary frictions. I approached management with solutions. They were ignored. I was appalled. I asked them to pray about it. Nothing. At the end, they were suggesting that I am the problem. I left church employment right there.

I cannot become a bot for someone and expect them to do all the thinking for me. I am born with an independent mind and I have the right to use it. Usually I get along with anyone who will give me logical argument about anything in life. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. I took up some college and received some degrees. I was warned that taking up more studies will lead me to apostasy. I can understand that schools train you to question assumptions until they can be proved. I can understand that it is a fine line between faith and evidence. I was able to stay in the church for ten years after I got my masters degree.

However, being of an independent mind, my question come to the scriptures and its doctrines. Many things doesn't make sense. For example, in "Teaching, No Greater Call" emphasized that we must not use non-approved materials to use for teaching. Well, the prophet and the apostles used the Classics and other prominent books and stories for their talks. So they can and we cannot? Church policies shifted through generations and I wonder why things change. There were scriptural inconsistencies. I paid attention particularly to the Doctrine and Covenants. If you really understood the D and C, it included many purported truths that todays' leaders will be embarrassed about. For example, there are sections talking about revenges, dusting of one's foot, and conquering the world for the Saints. Especially Section 132 when Joseph commanded Emma to obey him in polygamy when we were told in the church the husband and the wife take equal decisions in their marriage.

Those were the questions that lagged in my mind. However, I kept the faith. I wanted to be a good mormon. I wanted to serve. I wanted to go to the Celestial Kingdom. It is either that or nothing. I refuse to even look at any of the anti-mormon propaganda. I began to notice that my friends left the church from time to time. It bugged me like hell. One time I decided to pray about it whether if I should open a dialogue with an ex-mo. I received confirmation that it would be fine. So I went ahead and had wonderful discussions with one of my ex-mo friends. We sparred over many things and yet respected each other. He challenged me to read from sources I would consider "anti-mormon". I was hesitant. It was the threshold. Once I cross, there will be no coming back. Just like the matrix, take the red or the blue pill.

It was my first time deciding to take the red pill instead. Once I looked into some articles, I was sick to my stomach. I knew right there that the church is not what it says it is to be. I became angry and despondent for being deceived for so long. I prayed for confirmation that this is not true and received nothing. This is when I learned about the confirmation bias. I have given up a lot of my time, effort, money, and who know what else to the church at the expense of missed opportunities. I went through a lot of hardships in the name of the church. Now you tell me that this is all a farce? Oh, definitely, I was angry. I cried. My world was upside down. It was where I realized I was going through my grieving process. I tried to rationalize. It was time that allowed me to settle the dust and to collect what I know and understand of this life. It was not so easy, and I still struggle to understand why we are here in this life and I wonder what will happen to us in the next life. I end up becoming an agnostic and a naturalist.

I am not saying the church is evil. It had schooled me in part to who I am today. I befriended many great TBMs and know that there is also not so great TBMs. I think it applies to all walks of life and not exclusive to Mormons only. I love movies and I recall Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. The priests forced everyone to drink a mixture in order to be obedient. Only a fire will unlock their ties to the leader. However, in the end, the leader got exposed to a fire, he was unlocked from the spell as well. I was wondering, similarly, many church leaders in the mormon church might not have realized that they were being lied to. Maybe some knew, maybe not. Maybe it was all a ploy by Joseph Smith alone. Who knows.

Now you might want to know where I stand today. I am still a TBM in other people's eyes. I have unplugged only three months ago. I am figuring how to tell my family and friends about my planned resignation. Oh definitely, no question, I am going to resign. I have the letter ready. I know where and to whom I am to send the letter. But the timing might not be right. I still want my family intact if possible and to bring them out of mormonism. So that is the beginning of my journey and for you to understand who I am when you see my posts online. I am sure to add a second part when I am actually out of mormonism and with status updates about my family. I hope for the best.

Cheers,

Khark