My parents converted to the LDS church before I was born. I am an only child who grew up on Long Island and then Kansas. I'll start by saying I always hated going to church. In New York, I lived in a very Catholic/Jewish community and I always felt alone. When we moved to Kansas I had more LDS friends. Though I still dreaded going to church, I was okay with it most of the time because of the social aspects with my peers. I refused to go to Seminary so my mom got permission to home teach me. That didn't go very well. Ironically, my parents are pretty liberal and always encouraged me to think for myslef. Of course, I don't think they ever expected me to leave.

Right before I was 18, we moved to a different suburb in a different stake. I knew no one and everyone was incredibly unfriendly. Even my parents admitted this. So when I turned 18 I started going to the single's ward. I have to admit that I am an introvert and was never super chipper Molly Morman. But even though I knew people in the ward, I was mostly ignored. So I stared going only to Sacrament meeting and then went to a book store for the next two hours. Eventually, I stopped going at all, but didn't tell my parents, and continued to just go to a bookstore for three hours. This was definitely the beginning.

I had believed other reglions were harmful for quite awhile. Now I decided all religion was worthless. If I wanted to be spiritual, I could do so without spending three hour every Sunday in a church building. But, then I headed to college, and I gave it another try. While people were initially inviting in the University ward, I still didn't want to be there. My parents actully moved to the same university town when my dad changed jobs. I moved out of the dorm and back home to save money...but was soon back to pretending to go to church when I was somewhere else. I felt enormous pressure as I was their only child. I knew how people treated parents/family of inactives. I didn't want that for them. Eventually, the bishop of the Uni ward contacted them/me and was quite condesending toward me. It was the last straw. I told my parents I did not believe in organized religion and that I could be spiritual without it. They took it pretty well, considering.

I also went to school with a boy I had been close with since we moved to Kansas, also an inactive member. While up to this point, I was reticent to critize the church, when I found out my best friend was gay and felt personlly persecuted I began to understand that it's doctrine was actualy hurtful to many.

By the time I graduated, I was agnostic and irritated by any type of hard-line religious attitudes. I married a man who grew up a Lutheran and went to church with his family a bit before and after we tied the knot. He was a very free-thinker and his highly logical mindset found it hard to accept supernatural beliefs. I countinued as an agnostic until last year when I realized it's okay to let go. I realized that I don't believe in god or anything supernatural. I was a huge relief to admit this to myself. While anyone who wants to know this can, it's not something I shout out around my family. I'm pretty sure my dad knows, but they haven't asked me for years what I actualy believe.

It has been a journey taking over 10 years to rid myself of things that were drilled into my head since I was a little child. I had always felt dirty, ashamed, doomed, unworthy and the source of those feelings was the church. When I finally said, "this is a bunch of crap," it was so liberating. As if I had a cloth covering my mouth for my whole life that was then taken away so I could breathe and actaully value myself as a person. I am so glad that my children will never have to live with the fear of being damned for their human nature.

Here's to freedom!