So as people have started to notice my lack of attendance at church I am sitting down to organise my thoughts as to why I no longer attend. I am not sure I know where this started. However I believe that if one is happy with their situation they don’t go looking.
The beginning. I think this was being totally disillusioned with being at church. The boredom, the lesson, people’s comments and feeling nothing. I think this could have carried on indefinitely if one day I had not heard (and I genuinely cannot remember how now) that the Joseph Smith had received the BOA from a travelling sales person. I thought that it could not be true, then read the heading to the BOA and that’s when it all started to fall apart. It sounded so strange but I thought there must be a reason. So, as we all do in this day and age, I googled it to prove in right and comfort my thoughts. Total, total shock followed as I found sights that told me so much more that I did not know. All seemingly able to be backed up by church writings. Help! I grabbed my copy of Miracle of Forgiveness and it really did say that masturbation leads to homosexuality. Brigham Young’s Quotes could be backed up; ‘white and delightsome’ could be back up, the stone in the hat. On and on it went. When I had taken out my endowment my non-member husband had asked the bishops (a good friend and our child’s legal guardian) about blood oaths –he had said they did not happen. Although stopped by the time I went through he would have known about them from his time. Lie, lie, lie
Still I clung to the gospel and hope. Surely there was an answer. And then last year’s BBC programme and the interview with Elder Holland – BOA question. I sat back and waited. Here would be my answer, an explanation, a reason to give me hope. Then he spoke and my world collapsed a little more again – he had no answer.
From there it has been a rollercoaster. My belief system whipped from me. Other things came to mind. Thoughts that my son had the ‘wrong’ surname for people to care too much – tough on you it always seemed. Two men in our ward were convicted of sexual abuse. Why did the Bishops (there were several over the years) not know. Surely Heavenly Father would care.
Two songs by the singer Tim Minchin had an impression.” Thank you Sam” and The Fence ( which has a line – the more you know the harder you will find it to make up your mind …..) had a, strangely, great effect on me and moved me further.
Cleaning the chapel, views on homosexuality, … on and on.
A colleague said to me the other day that he would like to go to Utah to see the weird Mormons. I could not defend them.
People on this RFM helped with advice and support. I am grateful
Where am I now? Inactive but still a member, still can’t stop writing my tithing cheque and keeping in a drawer. Still hoping, I think, that I can find suitable answers, whilst not expecting to. Someone on RFM said that you can’t unlearn something.
I feel sadness as I lose my belief system. Even, at times, wondering if there is a God. Son seems less active too. Last weekend I assumed he had gone, but felt something akin to joy to find out he had been out in his university town on a good deeds day.
Yet there would good times as well. Loved having family home evening, had fun at some church activities ( granted that was some time ago), met some lovely people, some of whom I think will still be friends.
I am not sure what will be next. …. I don’t think this journey is over yet!
To end with a smile – husband loves the fact that I don’t always feel the need to wear garments now (if you get my drift).
Thank you for reading my ramblings