My story isn't pretty, and it is very personal. I've been battling myself for a while on whether I want to share my story and decided to do it. I was born and raised in TSCC by my convert parents. Due to my parents being converts (and the only Mormons in their families) I was raised to always respect others for their beliefs.

My hell in TSCC started when I was just a baby. At the age of 7yrs old, I was sexually assaulted by a Missionary serving in our ward. The abuse went on for three months. He would molest me every time he saw me; in public, at church, even managed to do it in my home. He threatened me, and I kept quiet because I was so scared if I told anyone or showed that I had been hurt, he would kill my mommy.
When he was finally transferred out of my ward, I relaxed. Six months later, I accidentally slipped up and told my mom what had happened. I was in tears, shaking, so sure he was going to find out and come back and hurt my mom and me. My mom immediately took me to a counselor. Based on the information I was willing to "give up" the counselor told my mom that if she chose to prosecute this, I would be more traumatized. (And I would have.) I couldn't remember this guy's name (obviously, I was a baby) and every time it was brought up, I would freak out and panic. My parents of course took it to the Bishop. I remember being put into a room alone with some old man that I was told was from the SP. I don't remember that conversation at all, but I do know that the Bishop and SP decided they couldn't do anything because I didn't know the guy's name, and he wasn't a member of the ward. My abuse was neatly swept under the rug, and my family was expected to go on like nothing had happened. My mom never hosted a meal for missionaries again, except for the sister missionaries years later.

Fast forward to my teen years. I started butting heads with my YW leaders when I was just 13yrs old. I didn't agree with the PP program for the YW; I had been taught and believed that service was suppose to be done in secret, not for a earthly reward like a stupid necklace. I participated but refused to sign off on my book or let my mom sign off. I explained my reasoning to my mom and she supported me. My leaders did not. This began my yearly lecture on how I needed to comply, sign my book, and "understand" what this was all about.
When I was in Miamaids, we did a "Future Husband Criteria" list. We were to write down ten things we wanted our future husbands to have, and it was suppose to be a spiritual thing; we were to hold onto that list and never compromise our standards. I was the only girl who did not have Return Missionary on my list. Oh, the grief I got! When I explained to my leaders why I would not be marrying a RM, I was told that I needed to let go of my past and understand that if a man isn't a RM, he is not righteous enough and I need to set my standards higher. This was the beginning of me pulling away from the church. I started being excluded from activities and parties.

At 16yrs old, I graduated HS, end of my Junior year in May of 1999. I had a steady boyfriend, was on my way to being successful in life, colleges contacting me offering me scholarships that I had never applied to. I attended church every week, and tried to be a perfect Mormon girl. However, I was also having sex with my boyfriend. This was suspected among the leaders, but I refused to confess. Two weeks after I graduated HS, I was pulled aside in YW by the YW president. I was told that I was no longer welcome in YW and needed to leave. I was too much for them to handle, as it had also been passed down that I had "emotional" problems. I was a cutter, and although I hid it well, the YW presidency knew about it. The depression got worse at that point. Dealing with personal issues in my life (like my biological father not wanting me) and the pressures of the church to be perfect became too much. In November of 1999, I attempted suicide. I was rushed to the ER and saved, then put in a short term psych ward. Less than a week later, I was released on a out patient basis. Three weeks later, I tried again. The attempt was more severe. I woke up in the ER with my stomach being pumped. I had sliced my arms from wrists to elbows, and sliced my stomach up as well. A friend visited me while I was still in the ER. She told me that all of our mormon friends were mad at her from visiting, and the YW presidency had told the girls not to visit me because I was an attention seeker. This time, after being released from the ER, I was sent to a long term treatment facility where I stayed for over a month.

About three weeks after getting released from the hospital, in Jan 2000, I got pregnant at 17yrs old. My family moved to a different state and took me with them. My new ward was great. The Bishop took me on as a personal project and decided it was his job to rescue my soul. I was threatened with excommunication for not complying to place my baby for adoption. LDS social services finally stepped in and when I was about 18wks pregnant, the abuse from the Bishop stopped.

I went on to have my son, at barely 18yrs old, and he became my whole life. I enrolled into school to become a nurse, and graduated that program 6wks before my 20th birthday, with a 20mnth old son and 21wks pregnant with my second child. I let the pressures of the church get to me and married the father of my second child "to do the right thing."

Seven years into my marriage (in 2009), with four children, my husband decide to embark on illegal activity that caused me to grab my children and flee the state (on the advice of a police detective.) I moved back to Texas, where I had grown up, and consequently right back into the area I was raised as a teenager. I was struggling to survive, and get back on my feet. I took my children to church and was pleased to find I knew a lot of the members and the Bishop. Once the Bishop realized who I was, I immediately began to be targeted again. My youngest son was kicked out of Nursery (the Bishop's wife was the Nursery Leader) and people quit socializing with me. I went to meet with the Bishop for some help with school. I needed to take a Refresher course at the college to transfer my nursing license and didn't have the $700. The Bishop told me that if I wanted help from the church, I needed to take my children and go back to where I came from; my children and I didn't belong in Texas, and didn't belong in his ward. I left that meeting and have never been back to church since then.

I had been struggling with the doctrine of the church at that point since I was 13yrs old. I was struggling watching others get shunned when other members found out they weren't "worthy" members. I had suffered for over a decade with members treating me that way, and I was okay with it. When the attacks turned to my children though, I had enough. My children were innocent, and they didn't deserve to be "shunned" and treated poorly because people couldn't get over their mother making a "grave" mistake at 17yrs old and getting pregnant.

Since leaving the church, I met my current husband, work a great job, and have found a local Baptist church to attend. My life is happier, and so are the lives of my children. I resigned from the church earlier this year, and have never felt more free in my life! I believe in compassion, love, understanding. I had never experienced that as a TBM. My children love going to our new church and have all expressed the desire to not ever go back to TSCC again; they have all said, "people are nice to me here!"