When I was baptized my dad told me that my DNA has been changed and I am now a Jew from the tribe of Ephrem.

I am told Ephrem is the best tribe and I was really valiant in heaven during the great satanic rebellion and kicked alot of demon ass. I am chosen by god because I am more awesome than most people.*

What tribe are you from and are you as awesome as I am?

*I know some of you people on this board take everything deathly seriously so this is a note to those people that this is sarcasm and I don't think I'm better than you. =o)

I am way better than you. My PB said I am a direct blood line Jew. Seems kinda strange since I am super white, short nose and look very Irish. It just goes to show the lord works in mysterious ways.

Looks like someone in your family tree slept with a jew lol

My patriarchal blessing says something about that. Ephraim, Abraham, I don't remember even though I've read it over & over. I don't remember because it never made any sense to me.

Strange... I thought that your tribe is assigned when you get your patriarchal blessing. Wasn't baptism supposed to be for remission of sins that you couldn't possibly have committed because you were only 8 at the time and therefore not capable of sinning or being slaughtered at Mountain Meadows?

BTW it is safe to assume that everyone is in the tribe of Ephraim unless they are either Jewish or one of Santa's little helpers who were born in the habitable zone surrounding the north pole where the 10 lost tribes of Israel are still hiding.

Can someone explain how I can spin off so much BS without stepping outside well established mormon teachings?

My dad said it was at baptism and he is never wrong; just ask him.
He knows everything so don't even try. You will be humiliated by the intelligence that will spew forth.

Also it is spelled Ephrem. I am so awesome I cannot make a spelling error and if you don't believe me then you are dumb.

Thank you diablo. I was so dumb that I didn't even know I was dumb, lol.

My apostate teachers told me that I was adopted into the tribe of Ephrahim, and that I could keep my own DNA. Was it because I am less awesome than you, or did the eternal never changing god of all gods decide to stop changing people's DNA, when boring science types said that people's DNA could not be changed without being infected with a retrovirus?

You are going straight to hell unless you get some hebrew DNA.

You can start by watching Seinfeld reruns.

I'm actually a Jew from the line of Judah, got the nose and everything, and the duche changed me to Ephraim. I got the most generic and short blessing ever and I was expecting something amazing since I was already from the chosen people, not adopted in. First time I began to doubt god spoke to me through priesthood blessings.

Didn't the patriarch interview you before the blessing? Didn't you tell him you were Jewish?

I was 16 and very shy. He was this scary, stange old man and I've always been uncomfortable around men in general. I didn't give him enough information I guess. Alva Snow, I think his name was.

I was assigned Ephraim. Not too long after I was looking at my dad's genealogy records and I noticed we actually come through Judah (for real, but highly diluted), I just kinda went "wut"

I found out I was Jewish (very "Fiddler on the Roof" or "Yentil"). Not a Cohen for this; different DNA Not "Cohen" after WWii

My patriarchal blessing says I'm from the tribe of Ephraim, but that just proves that patriarchs don't always get the best revelation. I am blue eyed with RH negative blood. According to the internet, I may be from outer space. I have the power of prophecy and I have telepathy. I am part of a very small minority on this my adopted planet, and I don't have a monkey gene, so I just might be better than you.

(Made in the spirit of the original post and meant to offend no one)

Me have opposite problem of white man. Me proud Lamanite, descendant of the great white prophet Lehi, as was father, and his father, and all generations going back many moons. But when the tribal medicine man pull me from womb of mother, my DNA change to Asian.

LOL!

that is f-n funny

Patriarch facilitated my adoption to The Tribe of Ephraim. Odd since I have Jewish DNA. Maybe the patriarch has a porn habit.

The Tribe of Ephraim, and the patriarch divined that I came from the North Countries. What a revelation! I'm blond and so white I'm nearly transparent. I could walk down the street in Oslo and not get a glance. This wasn't the case in South Central Mexico, however...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/24/2013 01:55PM by rationalguy.

Mine didn't change from anything. I'm just superior that way. I'm from Ephraim, of course. Now my adopted daughter...when she was sealed to our family...she literally had her blood changed to ours! Oh, and she suddenly seemed whiter and more delightsome too. It made me feel so much better knowing that she was now blood of my blood, more righteous and had lighter skin to boot. Blessings of heaven, I tell you.

My tribe went from delightsome Mexican-American to
un-delightsome Lamanite.

I'm of the good honky tribe of Ephraim, and so is my Cambodian ex-wife, which I think is interesting. When the rest of the Cambodian Mormons she knew went for their patriarchal blessings, they came back with "Naphtali." My ex has white skin like a European, even though both of her parents have dark skin. Our son has darker skin than her, so it must be some sort of recessive trait.

When she was a little girl, her parents were teachers in Cambodia who went around to different villages, and she used to hate it because the kids would all come out and say "French girl! Look at the French girl!" because of her white skin. When the Khmer Rouge took over the country, they used to make her sit in the sun to tan her skin, because she was too white. She has damaged skin from that to this day.

In any case, she is of the super righteous tribe of Ephraim, unlike the rest of the dark skinned Cambodians she knew, who are "Naphtali."

Wow! I remember seeing the Killing Fields about the fall of Saigon and the Khmer Rouge regime. Your wife must have gone through hell. My heart goes out to her.

It just goes to show that prejudice also exists among one's own people, when it comes to skin color, class status, education, etc.

Although I was LDS for about 8 years I never heard of the term "Naphtali."

My DNA has been slowly morphing into the tribe of Guinness....

Ron Burr

I stumped the patriarch. He knew my dad (Lehite - tribe of Manasseh), but didn't know me, and i was adopted as a baby and was strawberry blond with very white skin.

He gave my tribe as "Joseph" - i had been listening carefully for my tribe. I came out and told my parents. Very curious as there is no actual tribe "Joseph".

The patriarch must have done some research before writing it up - the written blessing states "ephraim".

Joseph was a stall till he could find out whether i was genetically a Lehite, in which case i would have been Manasseh like the rest of the family. At the time i thought it was some sort of workings of the holy ghost who must have been the one to whisper Joseph in my ear while the patriarch said Manasseh. After all he wouldn't give an inspired blessing and change his mind. So i thought the holy ghost was telling me i was still the same family as the rest of my family.

So the function didn't seem to be to change your blood to your adopted tribe, rather it is to magically determine what tribe your ancestors belonged to.

I think I now understand why patriarchal blessings are "personal" (translation: BS).

Washington Redskins! which is kind of like being in Hufflepuff

link:

http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,996481



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/24/2013 06:13PM by steve benson.

I was also from the honky tribe of Ephraim. When I went to the temple my new name was Manasseh so I figured I had my bases covered.

My sis, who seems to inherited all the Dine heritage except for grey-blues eyes, was from Manasseh. I was designated from Ephriam as a dark haired and eyed Latina.

As if any of Mormonism makes sense!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/24/2013 07:35PM by Itzpapalotl.

Where all this silliness comes from:



". . . for as the Holy Ghost falls upon one of the literal seed
of Abraham, it is calm and serene; and his whole soul and body
are only exercised by the pure spirit of intelligence; while
the effect of the Holy Ghost upon a Gentile, is to purge out
the old blood, and make him actually of the seed of Abraham.
That man that has none of the blood of Abraham (naturally) must
have a new creation by the Holy Ghost. In such a case, there
may be more of a powerful effect upon the body, and visible to
the eye, than upon an Israelite, while the Israelite at first
might be far before the Gentile in pure intelligence."

-- Joseph Smith (History of the Church, Vol III, p.380; also
quoted in Joseph Fielding Smith, "Teachings of the Prophet
Joseph Smith" p. 149)

I am of Ephraim thru the most celebrated house of hufflepuff and my 10" wand is of ye most excellent pear tree.

My DNA hangs out with genomes. They stayed out late last night looking for lost tribes. Every time they come back they appear darker. I am not sure where they go or what they get into but it's easy enough to cure by eating bread and sip a little water.

Light bulb moment!!! I never thought of it that way before. Mine was through the loins of ephraim