Right now, my husband and I are the only ones with a child (19 month old son). I'm talking about my husband's family as my family is not mormon.

My husband's sister got married in the spring of 2006. She was just barely 19. 10 months later she got pregnant but miscarried. I have talked about her a few times here. She tried to conceive naturally but to no avail. She then went and tried hormonal shots and IUI. Even after 5 rounds (and who knows how much money) she still wasn't pregnant. Her husband got laid off and wasn't working for about 3 months and so they stopped with the fertility treatments. In the meantime, my husband and I had our 1st son, still the only grandchild on either side of the family. He is now 19 months old.

This same SIL found out earlier this month that she was pregnant. No fertility treatments, no shots, she had just been exercising and eating better. She's lost about 25 lbs. in the past year. She's been going to the doctor every few days just to make sure that everything is going well considering her history. Everyone is happy for her because she's been trying for 4 years to get pregnant. It's still really early (probably about 5-6 weeks now) and we're all keeping our fingers crossed that everything will work out for this one.

2 days ago though, husband and I were talking to his youngest sister (she's 18). She was upset about something and it was pretty obvious. We asked her what was wrong a couple of times and then she finally told us. Some of you may remember that husband's 2nd sister got married last July at the age of 19 as well. Her and her husband had only known each other for 6 months (so they've been together for a whole whopping ONE year- dating, marriage, the whole shebang). She just turned 20 in November and apparently is stopping her birth control. Youngest SIL told her that was stupid as she is only in her 2nd year of college, her husband is in his 1st year of college full-time and he's already working as a fast-food manager full-time. Having a baby now would make things so hard but middle SIL doesn't care. Apparently she was "waiting" for the other sister to get pregnant and now that she is, she's discontinuing her birth control. It just seemed so selfish to me, especially if she does get pregnant right away and it's still too early to tell if things will go alright with the current pregnancy.

I just can't wrap my mind around this. Do you know of any mormon women within families that one-up each other like this?

IMO it was really nice of the middle sister to wait for her older sister's pregnancy, but in no way necessary. Individual families need to make their own decisions about when and how to go about having their children.

Now as to the sanity of having a child when you're both still in college, that's another thing. But it is an accepted part of Mo culture.

I'm at a loss as to why any 24 (?) year-old would feel that she needs fertility treatments when she's already been pregnant once, but that's me. Some women just have a harder time getting pregnant. My mom wanted four children, but ended up having two (with one ectopic pregnancy, and a couple of miscarriages.) My cousin took ten years to get pregnant, had basically given up, and then had two children without any fertility treatments whatsoever.

Infertility is a hard thing to deal with whether your inside or outside of the Mormon bubble.

I have a non-mormon under thirty co-worker that is struggling with this very issue. It is a hard pill to swallow when you want something so bad. The "why me's" are inevitable.

As far as the one upping, good Mormon girls are indoctrinated to marry in the Temple and become breeders for the cult from a very young age.

Just wait until you get the "SIL does bible story time with her kids every day...with home-made puppets" conversations.

But I'm extra-cynical right now...I have one SIL due next fall, the other in about a month, and HER SIL's that both live close just had babies...my youngest is about to hit two and it seems like the whole universe has an interest in my fertility.

At which point I explain to them that we're not having my *last*, until we pay some debts, can afford a bigger car, a deposit on a house, I have a degree, and my husband isn't working minimum wage.

*tsk, tsk*

Oh, me of little faith. Why in the world don't I trust god and the church to take care of us if we're doing what we're supposed to?!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/30/2011 06:40PM by vasalissasdoll.

It was pretty common when I was trying to get pregnant to try on your own for 1 year before consulting a dr. so it isn't that unusual for a 24 year old to be doing treatments. I was, and we actually started to check things out when we had been trying 9 months and nothing.

My dex was sterile, so we did IUI with donor sperm for 12 times, not all in a row, but never got pregnant. Finally found out I had issues. Dr's just stopped at his stuff, should have checked me out too.

I do think that was nice of sister to wait, but I think it would have been even nicer to wait until this new pregnancy gets past the usual danger points, into the 2nd trimester. Such pressure is hard to deny, I don't get it for the younger one.

I feel for anyone that goes through infertility, whether they have been preggers or not. I never was, and I wonder if maybe it would have been even more difficult if I had once and lost the baby and not been able to get there again.

I would encourage anyone no matter their age if they are trying to go no longer than a year to check things out, maybe even sooner. If you have suspisions then I would go 6 months if that.

Just my opinion after having lived it.

I hope your sister gets through this pregnancy and has a beautifl baby!!! Tell other sis to hold her horses. Maybe it will work out that she won't get preggers right away and your sis can have her moment......

It's possible that I'm overreacting. I REALLY don't like middle SIL (the one that just got married) because she's such an attention whore. Even when I got pregnant, and it was almost 2 years since SIL's first miscarriage, we were still really sensitive about telling her. We told her by ourselves instead of being like "whooooo!! we're pregnant!!!" She has struggled so much and even though I thought she was crazy for having fertility treatments at the age of 21, I can kind of see now why she went that route. I remember when we brought our son home from the hospital and she held him for the first time how she just kind of cried quietly. It's why now we're all really happy for her and just hoping that things go well with this one.

I don't know about middle SIL. There's so many things I could type but none of it would do justice. From my point of view, getting past the point that they haven't been together that long, her husband is already calling up his family and saying she isn't what he thought she was like, the fact that she will take my son and pretend like he's hers when we're out in public (to the point of arguing with my husband about food to feed him, etc) it just seems like she's being really selfish. And I hate to imagine the worst-case scenario of what if SIL loses this baby and middle SIL does get pregnant? That will really tear her up.

It sounds to me like the girls' self worth is all wrapped up in having children in order to feel like they are worth something. Either that, or they have felt the lack of unconditional love their whole lives and feel a baby would bring them the love they long for from the child, their spouse, their parents and their church. Oh finally to be loved. To be worth something to someone.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/31/2011 03:32PM by suckafoo.

My self-worth is not wrapped up in having a baby or in being a mother...which is a good thing, because I haven't been able to get and stay pregnant! There's no lack of love in my life either. My parents and my husband are all wonderful people who love me very much, and unconditionally. However, that doesn't ease the pain of not having kids of my own! And before you say it, no, I'm not a TBM. I'm a nevermo and although I'm a Christian, my church is not some pushy fertility church at all. I feel absolutely zero religious pressure to have kids. I just want them and feel like parenting would be a pretty awesome experience.

I've had two miscarriages in five years of trying to have a baby. I'm 27. I went through a brief amount of hormonal fertility treatments at 23 and 24. Judging an infertile woman's choices about when to pursue various treatments is incredibly presumptuous and very paternalistic. Infertility hurts. It sucks. In terms of potential for causing depression, science tells us that it is on par with major illnesses like cancer.

OP was concerned about her SIL who has discontinued her birth control, not about the SIL who has been trying to get pregnant for five years and has finally caught a break...yet you all jump on the infertile! Why?

OP, best wishes on your infertile SIL's pregnancy, and I sure hope the other SIL is willing to step back for a little longer and let the first SIL have her own moment in the limelight, ALONE.

Or yes, to all of the above, plus being told that if they're having a rough time, it's because they're not doing what the Lrd wants and having more children.

I come from a classic overly-large TBM family and out of the two adult children that are married, only one has children. The rest of us (TBM and Exmo alike) learned from our parents' mistakes and just aren't that interested in procreating like bunnies.

My Utah-based in-laws are totally different. It's like having children is a consolation prize for not having whatever they really want in life (education, financial stability). The sisters are nuts about breeding and two of them have been through some serious ordeals with fertility issues and miscarriages. Like your SILs, they "try" to be thoughtful about timing their pregnancies so as not to rub it in the face of whoever desperately wants to be pregnant but hasn't conceived on-schedule, but when it always fails.

I don't understand secondary-infertility with my Mormon in-laws and friends. It's like they get this idea that something is missing in their lives. It's got to be another kid, right? So then they spend a bazillion bucks on treatment, when they're already in debt up to their ears. Then they finally get pregnant, and their lives get harder because another kid wasn't exactly the solution to their problems, rinse and repeat.

I have a friend who moaned to me about infertility over a six-month period and I wanted to strangle her near the end. She already had three beautiful, healthy children and she and her husband were choking under the weight of consumer debt. Then she "finally" got pregnant and her life is ever-so-wonderful now. I guess it's more interesting to overcome fertility drama and remain a stay-at-home mom than to work to avoid bankruptcy. I don't get it.

This is an entirely different competition. My friend has 5 children. Four of her children had anywhere from 6 to 2 children. The other SIL couldn't get pregnant--had fertility issues, though she has been married for quite a while. She finally got pregnant. Guess what, the other 4 sisters/SILs felt the need to ALL have ANOTHER BABY EACH. Oh no--they couldn't just let the SIL who has been waiting for years to have all the glory--or enjoy the moment, they had to all go and get pregnant, too.

I thought it was really insensitive. Nope--6 isn't enough, we needed 1 more just to outshine the one who finally was able to have a baby.

Yes that is exactly what I was talking about! I guess when you know lots of baby-breeding types then there really isn't such thing as "your time to shine" but I mean really, wait a couple of months at least, not at the same time! No one wants to have a baby shower at the same time as another close family member. It just seems so insensitive that my SIL cannot let her own sister have the spotlight. Even my own husband and I have dabbled in conversation of having another one and once we found out that his sister was pregnant, the conversation changed to "we'll definitely wait until sister's baby is born before we try anything out."

Having another baby when you have so many or having one when you're much too young and barely know your spouse when another who has struggled with infertility finally is able to get pregnant just seems outrageous to me.

Each child is unique, precious and special. I can't imagine the pregnancy and expected birth of one child diminishing the worth or excitement over the arrival of another in the family. Where there is true love there is room for all with no competition. When one of you said "no one wants to have a baby shower at the same time as another" I can only think that unfortunately you are retaining some of your Mormon background as far as this subject goes.

I recall marrying into a large Utah TBM family and being excited over the expected arrival over our first child. Double the excitement I thought when I found out TBM SIL and her husband were expecting as well. How shocked I was to find out she was "disgusted" our baby was due two weeks before hers. Supposedly my husband was this SILs favorite brother. I would be so thrilled were I so blessed to have the wife of my brother expecting the same time as me! Not in this TBM family though.

Weird and bizarre are their attitudes towards having children is all I can say. Clearly they are all keeping tabs as to who has the most kids and as DH and I have grown older it is now all about how many grandkids you have. I know plenty of non-Mormons thrilled about their grandkids but none of them who are so thrilled over adding another notch to their tally with another grandkid whose life they will take no real interest in as the TBMS I know.

I can't understand what's going on here. Sounds like three very young women all have baby fever. Why that's anyone else's business or concern makes no sense to me. One sister waited for another to get pregnant, why? Who cares when this one does or that one?

If Sister #2 couldn't get pregnant, then it's not supposed to be a slap in the face if sisters #1 or 3 can. Everybody is different and everyone makes their own choices according to their own needs.

So I don't get this comment-on-everyone-else's-choices thing. I don't see the one-upmanship and I don't understand what passive-aggressive "messages" are supposedly being sent because different women in the same family are making different decisions.

Sounds to me like it's just a holdover from mormonism where we were trained to get up in others' business and feel like we were entitled to make editorial comments about it.

UGH!!! I have a sister in law who has been trying to get pregnant since she got married. She lied to the doctor to get fertility treatments after about three months of trying and hasn't been able to get pregnant. She and my brother walk around so depressed all the time like their lives are so terrible, woe is them, they'll never have kids. And I should mention he's in MEDICAL SCHOOL and they can't really afford to have a kid anyway...
When my other sister in law got pregnant, she felt like she couldn't tell anyone because sil #1 would have a breakdown. So ridiculous!