She quite forcefully implied that those in my position who don't leave the church are better off, and I told her that I don't regret leaving.

"I don't believe it (Mormonism)," I said.

Then her eyes got all watery and red. Her hands started shaking and she sniffed back tears. Damn. I hate that she buys so deeply into Joseph Smith's pyramid scheme. I don't want her to suffer because I'm not Mormon. But the way I see it, her church gives her no other choice. What a massive mind fu@@ this religion is!

Isn't it amazing that choosing to live your life with integrity is reason for your mom to feel pain? I always hated seeing "that look" in my parents eyes, but I always knew it was the cults's doing, not mine. It's sad. It's just not the way it should be.

I have made my own cry too many times to recall now. It happens at least one time per visit, when she comes to the realization that I will NEVER be coming back. The last time it happened, I tried to explain that her reaction/raw emotion is an example of the emotional/mental trauma that the Church inflicts on its members, and is the type of damage that John Dehlin's recent presentation was intended to help heal.

So she forcefully implied (do I smell passive aggression?) that your problems were made worse because you left the church, but when you responded/defended directly, she cried and you felt guilty. What makes me think this scenario is typical for your mother? Ah, yes . . . I know someone like that.

What is it with mothers who think they can make attacks, but who get butt hurt when people respond like adults? It may sound heartless, but I say to call her on it next time. Tell her that if she brings it up, you are going to speak your mind, and you won't feel guilty.

I once made my youngest sister cry by simply stating that Mormonism is a subset of the universe!

Wow. That's very efficient. I'm impressed.

Whoa, really? The idea that Mormonism isn't EVERYTHING is more than she can bear?

Your mom probably loves you and wants a future existence that presumably requires your adherence to her beliefs. But remember, your mom also knows you very well and knows how to push your buttons- she installed them. So when she whips out the tears, they are real, but they are also not your doing, not your fault and not your responsibility. The scripture says to honor thy mom and pop, but it also says thou shalt not bear false witness. Being true to your beliefs and honoring your parents requires a delicate balance sometimes.

I can relate my mom has cried many times since I left. My dad passed away about 5 years ago and she holds onto the church because she feels it is the only way she will see my dad again. I just let her have her beliefs because it comforts her and at her age comfort is what she needs.

It is really sad that any religion, not only mormonism, can create pain between family members that would not otherwise exist were it not for a belief system. If people could only see that all religion was created by men to fill a void that exists because of the nature of life. Where do we come from? Where do we go when we die? What are we here for? Those are the questions that religion attempts to answer but the problem is that when people buy into a specific belief system, such as mormonism, they have to buy into the whole belief, leaving no room for the possibility that the belief they have devoted their lives to could be based on the imagination of one person. They build a house of cards, that their whole lives are dependant on, based on belief in a fairy tale that was created by one person with the driving forces being notoriety, fame, and wealth. How sad that families are torn apart because of their belief in a fairy tale.

I agree. And I also appreciate that you talked about holding onto beliefs in old age. I used to be more critical of my mother but lately, I see that she is walking a little slower and looking more frail. And I do want to show some respect for her, even if she doesn't understand.

but then my parents had watched their most devout child's life fall apart and were willing to listen. The last thing my mother said about me to my dad regarding religion was "you can be religious and not attend any religion," but my parents were not your regular TBMs. They raised some great children--loving, caring, hard-working, intelligent children and all but one has left the church. She can't stand mormons, but she has a few reasons she still goes.

Thankfully, though, when I started my journey out, my siblings had already paved the way. I never saw one tear shed over my leaving.

There are more reasons than one that this board has helped me. I feel really lucky to have had the parents I had. I can't imagine having the TBM parents some of the posters here have.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/27/2013 12:57PM by cl2.

On the other hand, I and my nevermo DW did more to support and care for her through her last days than TBM sister ever did.

I-do-think-she-appreciated-it-ly yrs,

S

Remember, it's her church making her feel this way, not you. People can change churches all they want and nonmormon families don't mind a bit.

But Mormons? They are mind controlled and fall apart in normal everyday situations their church deems as intolerable.

If you make it clear that you no longer believe their theology, they do indeed mind. Because you are now "lost" and will not be in heaven with them. They have very emotional reactions because they truly believe this stuff, and it results in very controlling and manipulative behavior.

Mormons seem to think it's my fault their church twists their thinking to make them sad for exmos who leave. That's crazy.

Crying is stupid when it's over what another adult decides to do about church. Mormons think they've failed and that the exmos are doomed. They're crazy and it isn't my fault.

that are making THEM feel that way.
Christians think they've failed and that the ex-Christians are doomed. Lost.
They are inconsolable when one of their family members no longer "believes" in their particular version of Christianity.

Boo hoo, poor mo-moms and dads who haven't thought about how likely it is that any of this shit ever really happened and a bunch of ridiculous old men aren't just stealing their money!

Cheryl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Remember, it's her church making her feel this
> way, not you. People can change churches all they
> want and nonmormon families don't mind a bit.
>
> But Mormons? They are mind controlled and fall
> apart in normal everyday situations their church
> deems as intolerable.

Lest we forget JWs where the shunning is complete. No one in the family will even acknowledge that the apostate is alive.

My husband's parents were Holy Rollers and his mom never had a happy day after he left her church.

She cried of her own free will, and you aren't responsible for that. I've had to deal with it with my own mom.

When my daughter comments that her brother "makes her mad" I respond that he didn't "make" her do anything. She has free will, and while he is provoking here, she is free to decide how to respond.

my mother cries 20 hours a week. For a good while there, that's all she did. Full-time. She went all the way across the country around the time I "came out" to get trained to be a bikram yoga instructor. She can't do the yoga instructing because she spends most her time crying.

IT's not as bad now, I'm told however whenever I ask my dad how she's doin, he just sighs and says. You know, she just cries alot now. Church is impossible for her now. I ruined church for her. Me, little lumanwalters. I ruined church for her.

Who knew you had such power?

"when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty cstorm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo"....your adult children making choices different from your own, that's still gunna make you hurt. That's still gunna sting.

I told my ultra TBM mom ( multiple RS prez, prominent stake leader, etc) ....
and she packed up and got ready to leave with me!
Thank goodness family(and Truth) was more important than the MORG for her.
My father basically said "heck" and would follow his grandkids rather than the myths.

What a great Mom!

IMO, your dear mom is just feeling emotional, and probably about other things, not just because you've left the church. That's just the way it is; not your fault!! I've raised 5 kids; I never felt they were obligaged to do anything to make me happy; of course, I wanted them to be happy and live good lives, but my unhappiness was my own business. I will agree with some of the posters' responses; your mom knows how to push your buttons. "BE FIRM!"; don't play her games. You have integrity, you know what you did and why you did it, and don't back down a bit. And the best thing you could do for her happiness is to help take the blinders off of her eyes. Just keep at it, a little word here, a little word there, with love, of course; keep speaking the truth in your heart. My daughter put a post on FB yesterday, which I just love. It says: "I DON'T WANT PERFECT, I WANT HONEST."

I can see this situation from both sides, that of a mother and that of a daughter. It is not easy when children pull away from parents and make their own decisions, but it is a fact of life. It is only in tscc that this presents so huge a problem, except of course in cases of damaging decisions by children, eg drugs. BUT the whole 'no success can compensate for failure in the home', thing kicks in with LDS mothers. The fact is even with comparison to the above ridiculus saying, you and your mother are NOT failures. She raised a lovely caring person, who does NOT want to see their mother cry, and yet knows they must follow their conscience and live a life differently from their mother. That is NORMAL and HEALTHY and the fact that is is all tied up with tscc is what complicates it!

I feel for your Mum, she now must come to terms with the reality of parenthood, you raise the child, but once they become adults they are their own person, and you have NO control. It is a difficult time, but a necessary one in everyone's life. It always seems to happen later in tbm LDS people's lives than those not. For you, you must also accept that you are now your own person, and that is also a BIG transition. But you are doing wonderfully well, If it helps, tell your mother that you have NO desire to hurt her, but that you MUST be you and do what is right for you. Deep inside, she knows that and would not want you to present a fake face to the world, or to not be true to yourself.

+1