I'm SO tired of hiding! My in laws live close by and everywhere I go I have to bring a change of clothes so no one notices I don't wear garments. I haven't worn them for about two years now and I'm loving my new freedom!!! My husband ( who's still TBM) loves the new wardrobe too, but I'm too scared to wear some things in public. When does the fear go away? It'll be like I've died to my family. How do I break it to them easily that I hate the temple and will not wear the garments any longer, so I can stop hiding?

I don't know. I'm not there yet either.

You can be a perfectly nice person, and treat the Mormons like they are the freaks. Do this through "compromise." Oh, yes, Mormons won't like compromise, but they are in no position to freak out about it, if you give them something back.

For example, are you attending all your meetings? Tell your in-laws that you and your husband (he should join you) have decided to wear garments to church meetings and to the temple. Behave as though this is perfectly reasonable. It is your life, and your decision.

Tell them you both prayed about it together. It is important to get your husband's support in this--otherwise you will be blamed. Also, Mormons like to out-number, and out-bully you. I sincerely believe that God does not care what underwear you wear, and He doesn't care about that childish level of "obedience," either. God is wondering why the Mormons are building malls. He is wondering why we think He, the Creator of the Universe, needs the help of dumb little sheeple doing silly rituals for dead people, when Heaven is God's realm! This is blasphemy.

But don't go into any religious reasons. I wore only the garment tops, because that is what showed. They were just too hot.

My favorite response to snoopy people who ask about my underwear, is to give them a very strange look, and repeat their question, "Huh? You want to know what underwear I'm wearing?" And just shake your head. This is private!

Mormons are so petty. Isn't it enough that you are still members, that you obey the leaders and keep your callings and clean the building and give them tons of money and your time? Aren't you giving enough to the cult? Yes, it is a cult of polygamy, money, lies, rituals for the dead, and underwear. I feel sorry for you.

The fear will go away as soon as you decide to no longer allow other people to dictate to you what underwear you wear. You don't owe anyone any explanations. Wear what you want when you want and if anyone says anything to you, look them straight in the eye and tell them that your underware is none of their business.

Take back your power and stop giving it to others to control you with.

If someone sees you in a sundress and is rude enough to complain, say, "It's so hot and I've quit wearing garments. It feels good to wear something weather appropriate." Then change the subject.

You feel free without garments but too enslaved to do it without shame. That's a heck of a contradiction. Just be brave and stand up to whoever is intimidating you. The more you do it, the easier it will be and you'll find they'll eventually back off except for minor lapses.

Just wear what you want, and whoever dares to comment, be matter-of-fact and act like you think they're weird. Because they are.

Sounds like you belong to one of those 'cults' or something...

You pretty much said it yourself. When you are prepared to be treated "like you are dead" by your family you will be ready. If you can't take it then you won't come out with the truth. I was only afraid of hurting my mother but it didn't happen so I'm glad I came out. I just couldn't NOT talk about it with her.

if it depends on you conforming to THEIR expectations, even as an adult.

When relationships are threatened by a healthy change on your part, you aren't just rocking the boat, you are revealing the dysfunction that was there all along. Playing along may keep the weirdness under the surface, but it's still a problem (as you know).

The question is if it's worth it to maintain relationships at the price of not being yourself.

exactly. I could never not be myself... so I just stopped wearing them/started wearing things I wanted and let the chips fall where they may.

The first time my mom saw me wearing shorts, her mouth dropped open.. she started to say something but then didnt, because we were in public. She's also not that great at expressing her feelings, but a few weeks later she sent me an email about my "covenants".

Thanks for the encouragement. I guess I've always been a people pleaser and I may struggle with it for a while still. You're all right though, I'm not the weird one cause I don't want to wear long, hot, ugly underwear with Masonic symbols on it. Indeed to dig deep and find some courage. I did luck out and my husband will be there to support me when im ready. This all seems so stupid! I feel so indoctrinated that its hard to decide what I actually believe and what I've been told over and over I have to believe.

And it's so lovely that your husband is supportive.

I'm in the same boat as you, although it hasn't been as long and I think I'm ready to just "be me." I've thought that I might just wear a tank top and shorts sometime when we'll be with my mom, if it's warm, and if she asks about it, I'll just be calm and honest with her. "I don't see anything wrong with what I'm wearing, you shouldn't either and it's really not your concern." Something like that. I have to wonder though how my mom will react since she also got snippy with me when I wore a KNEE length skirt, with my garments underneath. I asked her what she thought of it, and she said "It'd be cute if it came to where it's supposed to..." UGGGGH!

Jangadai, if you do that anytime soon let me know how it goes, maybe it'll give me an idea of what to expect. Good luck. At least I'm not alone with this issue.

I'll keep ya posted. You are definitely not alone!!

Just remember that your life is YOUR LIFE and you should not be letting your family dictate what you wear. After all these years of being told what to do, we have chosen to live our own lives, how we decide to live it... Letting this guilt rule you is not wanting to let go to those old Mormon ways.
But trust me, I understand how you feel... It has been a hard obstacle for me to overcome also

I always say that you know you're an adult when you are willing to disappoint or annoy your parents (or in this case, in-laws.) I would go ahead and wear what you want. Be prepared with some possible responses to their inevitable comments --

"You're asking about my underwear? Really?"
"I'm sure you'll recover."

There are also times when an eye roll or laugh is entirely appropriate. If your MIL gives you a disgusted look, just laugh and say, "Oh, come on."

Remember, you are not in control of other people's feelings. Let them be disappointed. Stand strong.

The fear goes away when you stop trying to hide.

Despite what TSCC would have you believe, you actually do get to choose what you wear yourself. You have to decide that you will recognize that only you have the authority to choose what you wear and you don't have to answer to anyone else about it. This is part of what being a grown up is, you get to choose your own clothes.

Good luck and I hope you can overcome the brainwashing. Been there, it's a struggle but you can make it through. For me, when I was first at that point, it helped me feel prepared to have "canned" answers ready for any question or comment I could possibly think of. I actually never had to use any of them, I was far more worried about what people might say than any of them had the guts to actually say to my face. I heard 2nd hand about some comments, but chose to ignore them.

Other than my family, that is. That's a different story but once I geared myself up to tell the offending speakers that, "if I want your input, I'll ask for it. So unless you would like to hear all of my thoughts on how you are living your life, keep it to yourself," they actually stopped. Not talking amongst themselves, of course, but, who cares? As long as I didn't have to hear it, I was fine.

Again, good luck!

Although the topic is clothing, I had another thought when I read the subject line. I'm no longer keeping the WoW and when I've had tea out somewhere, I'm never anywhere I'm likely to run into members. Tonight I went to dinner at a place within my ward boundaries and I ordered sweet tea. (I always heard about how good this was, so was glad to finally get to try it. It's wonderful!) Anyway, I kept watching the door to see who came in, wondering if I would try to hide my tea if it was a member. But, you know, I finally figured that if someone catches me drinking tea, then it's just helping me to "come out of the closet" sooner.

Humans trumps deities
Laws of the land trump religious dogma
Your freedom trumps church rules

Tank tops and sundresses trump garments!!!

It feels really good to do as you please in the face of those who may push you away. It is a risk worth taking. I cannot begin to convey to you how empowering it is to walk away and be you! If you were to do it you would see what I mean. You are surrounded by people who want to control how you think, believe and feel. Breaking away from allowing that will be one of the biggest and best lessons you will ever learn. The sooner the better. It is icing on the cake that you have your husband's support.
Hopefully they adjust and your relationship stays in tact, but if not then you learn you are not respected for who you are.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/15/2013 08:00AM by snuckafoodberry.

I have a friend that responds to inappropriate questions/comments with "Did you really just say that out loud? Oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed for you!"

Remember, you never have to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain - your decisions. Your decisions are YOURS and how or why you made them is PERSONAL. "That's personal," is also a good non-response.

I'm basically agnostic so when anyone tries to preach to me, convert me or lecture me about their god I just tell them "I'm good, god and I are cool." It pretty much takes the wind out of their sails.

Listen, you are an adult. YOU get to make choices for YOURSELF as an adult. I don't mean to sound uncaring.....but please act like one. No one should be afraid of a parent, especially when it appears your hubby is okay with your choice. IF they would attack you verbally due to your clothes would he support you? If not, then you have some real issues. Just do it. Be yourself. The freedom will make you a happier person and a better wife as well

You've been changing your clothes every time you go somewhere for 2 years???