I've been secretly out of the church for 3 years, but at this point am recognized as 'less active' to my family. They don't know I'm a straight up 'apostate' athiest now.

The time will come when I come out to everyone, and quit living with the mormon mask on, but I am having difficulties deciding which route to take in doing so. I feel like taking an aggressive route will be more damaging to my family, and the passive route will be more damaging to me.

I want to take the more offensive and active route of saying "I don't believe this stuff, and here's all the reasons why it is dangerous for you to believe it too!", but I know that probably won't be as productive as I wish it were. That, and predict it might hurt them more, and would trigger more sad and manipulative emotions of 'concern' they'd have for me, and the teary-eyed 'please don't go' responses.

On the other hand, theres the more passive: "Guys this is how I feel, yet I respect what you believe" route, which I feel will invite the more sadistic stock responses TBMs unleash to character assassinate you with: "You are weak, sinful, and confused! Now get your act together and go back to church!" responses.

My question to you is which route did you take, and was your response anything like what I'm predicting, or have I just drank too much wine tonight and let my imagination go to the extreme.

Told my Bish I no longer believe. Thankfully in Oz that was the end of it. HT's have only showed up about 3 times in the seven years I've been out. All work colleagues and friends were not mo's so leaving created no waves. Also no family in Oz either as I'm originally Canadian. Wish it could be this way for everyone.

I've found no reason to exit with "guns a-blazing". In my circles it would really alienate people and challenge them in ways that would only hurt all involved. When it comes out it is very casual, and I will leave it with questions that I have which there are no suitable answers, and I feel at peace with the decisions I've made about evidence presented. One question I will leave folks with is why would god breakup the eternal families of members with the practice of polyandry of JS? They don't really want to keep talking after that.

I mailed my letter to Salt Lake one morning from work and then that evening walked up to my husband at his computer and said, "I don't believe the church is true and I removed my name from the records of the church."
It went as bad as you could imagine. No one would have wanted to be me at that moment. And I would do it the same way again. It was so amazing. It made me feel strong to do it and changed me in other ways as well.
I had gotten to the point I was willing to risk my marriage to do it. I was so desperate to live my life honestly.
There are a lot of people on here who advise against this approach. I can understand why they would but for me it was the only way. I would not have been able to handle a slow fade out mentally. It was best for my personal well being.

thank you

You're welcome. But I'm the odd one out so not sure what I did is the right or wrong thing. I just know for me I had made a choice. If I hurt my family and friends because I'm following my own heart and they reject me for it, then I was willing to let them reject me. That's how urgent it was for me. I was suffocating in my own skin. I would never make a good politician. I don't even like getting food in restaurants for free if it wasn't done just right. And I would rather overpay for a service than not pay enough. My face is such an open book and I'm a terrible liar. So it is just meant to be for me that I just can't carry the load for others. It does not work well with my kind of personality.
And I couldn't pretend it was a non event and faith is private. I had to come out with it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/15/2013 04:37PM by snuckafoodberry.

You can control your actions but you have no control how people will feel about what you've done. The more aggressively you come out the more people will be hurt and upset. I think a person's religion should be private. It is nobody's business what you believe. I recommend you go on with your life and not say anything to anyone. It is none of their business.

If you're going to speak out to save your family from Mormonism, don't!!! They think they already have the truth and won't believe anything you say anyway. You'll just cause hurt feelings.

How much are your relationships with friends and family worth? If they see you as inactive they may be unhappy but still accept you. Chances are that as soon as you tell them you've left the church they will reject you outright.

Think before you act. One you act there is no going back.

Just say no and just don't go. They'll get the idea.

When they start questioning you, you can give a brief explanation (such as, "I no longer believe the universe works that way") and keep repeating it like a broken record until they stop -- which might take a few decades or so.

I simply quit attending church meetings and went totally inactive. Nobody in the ward missed me and no ward member ever contacted me. My TBM parents knew that I had been unhappy in the church so they accepted the fact that I no longer desired to attend. No family members ever asked me why I left.

So I didn't have a need to tell anybody anything. I went inactive and that was the end of the story.

I'd suggest you do something inbetween.

I'd say take the passive route. But word it differently. Saying "I respect what you believe" will make them think they have a chance to re-convert you, and that you respect mormonism. Their beliefs are the item that's getting respect if you word it like this.

Saying something like "Although I don't believe the church is true, I will respect your decision to still go to church", will be more effective. In this case it's their rights to decision-making that gets your respect, rather than their beliefs. You respect them as people, but not the religion.

Also, a good thing to say is something like "Although I don't believe, I will respect your decision if you choose to continue going to church. I hope you can also respect my decision not to go to church".

If someone directly asks you why you don't believe, then you can start listing reasons. But even then, don't jump straight into "Joseph Smith married underage girls", etc. Start off vague "I don't agree with some events in church history, I have never felt the Spirit in my life, There are hundreds of contradictions in the scriptures", and see if they question you further on specific things.

Always let the mormon lead the conversation in cases where you're giving the reasons you don't believe. Think of it this way; You have the truth, but a mormon can only find the truth if they ask you with sincere intent. They need to have an open mind and be willing to listen. So if a mormon isn't asking you these questions, they're not ready to hear the truth yet, and won't really take in anything you say.

I agree with the approaches given by QWE.

I don't think you should be taking an "aggressive" or "passive" approach. If you go too aggressive right off the bat, it will be like pulling the rug out from underneath them and they will see you as a possessed anti-Mormon. You will lose all credibility in their eyes. If you go too passive, you will also lose credibility because they will see you as weak and indecisive and that you don't really know what you are doing. They will view you as a project where they will need to keep harassing you to get you back on the straight and narrow.

I think you need to make it clear that you "no longer believe" but you need to do it with tact. Show that you are trying to be sensitive their feelings and beliefs so that they don't feel threatened and that they don't get the us vs them vibe from them. Don't act defensive or make them defensive. Make them feel like you are on the same team. Explain how you "understand" where they are coming from and how you understand they may be "disappointment." Explain to them how you have a "hard time believing" in the church. That you don't take your decision to leave the church lightly. That you only want the TRUTH no matter where it leaves you. That you've studied both sides enough to come to the firm conclusion you do not believe in the claims of Mormonism. That you spend countless hours in church, praying, and reading the scriptures to try and gain an answer but that it hasn't come.

Explain to them that you are still the same person and that you aren't going to lose your morals because of not being Mormon. That you will still try and be the best person that you can be. That your relationships with everyone won't change and ask them to show their love for you and ask them to keep you in their prayers. You can mention an example or two, or a general idea of why you don't believe, but don't use the occasion to try and prove to them why the church isn't true. Let THEM dig for more details. If they ask for more then give it to them but don't "push" it on them. Give them a hug and reassure them.

This is a great way to do it. I almost want to be an insider and bring up concerns pretending as if I had just heard of them and make it 'a project' for us to find out the truth together. Leading them to at least look at my reasons for leaving so when I do come out, my conclusion won't be shocking.

The only reason anyone is "hurt" by the true religious beliefs of members of their family is that TSSC has maintained such a strict conspiracy of silence. So many people are in the closet, going to church not-believing, fulfilling callings not-believing, not attending not-believing, that being "hurt" by what others believe still seems to be a "right" of TBMs. This is exactly the logic behind opposing gay marriage. Gay marriage has absolutely no effect on my straight marriage, but I want to be free of ever having to recognize that gays exist. Or being gay is fine, just don't act on it. That's equivalent to believe what you want, just keep your mouth shut and keep acting like you do believe (and don't talk about it to your kids--their futures belong to us!). When gays started coming out, in large numbers, Out and Proud--Proud, people--not out and ashamed (out and you're-right- I'm-a-sinner), society had to start coming to grips with the real problem: society's belief in its right to discriminate. No one wants to be the gay man who gets pulled behind the pick-up or whose parents disown him, yet it was the large numbers of men and women who took that risk, upon themselves individually, who changed society. Gay marriage is a done-deal, at this point, due to the courage of people who envisioned a society they could live honestly in.

I sent a letter to my children, not overly long, that explained why I felt that MormonInc. was not a fit for me and why I did not believe it. For me it was necessary, and I would still do it the same way. I have a bunch of kiddo's and the reactions were all varied. Mostly there was silence. I was disappointed because all I was aiming for was for my children to better understand me. I did not attack them, plus I said that religion was a very individual matter. I'm grateful for the conversation that it did generate. I realized when I put those letters in the mailbox that I had no control over what the outcome would be.

Did my leaving MormonInc. change some relationships of both my kids, other family and friends? Of course...some for the better, some for the worse. I hold out with hope that my actions of attempting to be a good, honest, happy and thinking person will eventually speak louder than crazy, controlling and culty MormonInc.

I would forget either passive or aggressive. Those are two terms that rarely do anyone any good in the course of human interactions.

Definitely not passive. It sets the tone that you are unsure, weak.

Definitely not aggressive. It shuts down true communication and makes others feel that you are a boor.

What you need is to be clear, concise, straightforward and the bearer of facts, presented in a non-confrontational matter of fact way with plenty of class that says you are in full control of your faculties.

This means you make no excuses and do not placate. This means you do not say, 'I don't believe' but instead say "I have found facts." Stress that you come from honest research and verifiable fact.

Do not say you respect their beliefs. You don't. Respect to mormons does not mean what it means to the rest of the world. Just leave it at facts.

They will either like you or not after. They will either still allow you to be around their children or not after. It takes real guts to speak the truth and let the chips fall where they may.


There are those here who will do anything to try to maintain a relationship with the family. They will stress that showing them respect or deferring to them is necessary compromise--do anything to be part of the family. I am not one of those.

Your family will either accept you or reject you, but the worst is when they halfway accept you, and trust me, after forty years that way, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Even Jesus said hot or cold was okay but he would spit out the luke warm.

Do not settle for luke warm. And remember, just because it isn't all roses and sunshine when you first tell them, it could be later, but only if they see you as a clear thinker.


I came out the way I said. Clear and concise although I was taken by surprise and the moment was traumatic. That went well, I was assured I was loved, everything seemed to be okay. But then I got the lukewarm for the rest of my life. If I even looked like I had an opinion, my father the stake patriarch gave me a look like I had better damn well not say anything in his house. The thing with lukewarm is, it is never bad enough to leave and never good enough to stay. It is barren, it is empty, it is a facade. A big part of me all these years later wishes I had just walked out and never seen any of them again. The Mormon church ruined my family.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/15/2013 11:42AM by blueorchid.

This is exactly what I am thinking about it at this point. "The lukewarm" is what I predict once they adapt, but I also am excited at the thought of being able to be the real me and say how I really feel and think in front of family. In a weird way it will also make me feel I have permission to take control of my own life.

The only reason I wanted to be more on the offensive about it is that my family is very good at being emotionally manipulative, so I feel in a way it is better to not give them a leg to stand on. However, I don't want to alienate anyone and really hope to spark some kind of curiosity by saying: "Had I NOT gone on a mission and NOT gone to BYU, I would probably still believe it"

Only one thing holds me back as I've mentally psyched myself up about this for a while now. That is I work in the family business and depend on my father for income. I've been working on finding another career, once that happens I plan on pulling the trigger

I feel I should prepare for the worst.

"Had I NOT gone on a mission and NOT gone to BYU, I would probably still believe it"

This is dynamite. This is a great angle to come from. If I was doing it all over again, I would make a really strong well thought out statement like you are doing. The thing is, you have so much information and fact nowadays, like we didn't all those years ago. Just keep letting it all simmer and it will gel into something good and just surface when the time is right. And then as you say, prepare for the worst.

And you are right to not say a thing until you are out of the family business. Religion and workplace should never mix, especially if family is involved.

I advocate a gentle, kind, slow, respectful, VERY slow approach. This is a major change and others will need time to adjust. Sometimes, that's a very long time. (It was not my initial approach in some cases, and the fall-out was a mess that I needed to clean up!!) I put this approach in one of my three major ways of approaching my life: treat others the way you want to be treated.

On the one hand, your beliefs are personal and nobody else's business. You can take a quiet approach and preserve your privacy.

On the other hand, because you are dealing with a very tight, closed, generational, religious, familial, (eternal family-only true church),cultural "tribe" as I refer to it, it's wise to remember that leaving it can have extreme consequences.

As well as we know family and friends, there are cases when they completely surprise us and go off in a dramatic fashion that is another problem to deal with.

There are probably more "inactive" members than true believers, and this is very often a way to ease out of the church without unloading your position on anyone.

It's important to protect your "investment" in home, career, etc.

My best wishes to you.

the universal phrase I keep in the back of my mind is: "it's unbelievable TO ME"

of course, none of the TBMs in my life bother me about Mormonism now so I haven't tried it but still...

I like it because it's firm yet still softer than things like: not true / false / lies / wrong etc.

oh, and to your main point: when my shelf collapsed it happened fast and I went 'scorched earth' on everybody around me (big mistake) you have the benefit of not believing for 3 years so i'm sure if you get more assertive about it you'll probably still have your emotions in check

good luck!

I have two groups to play to; My own parents and siblings, culturally Mormon, but freethinkers and inactive, and the rest of my Utah morridor world that includes DW, her relatives and my own grown children.

When I need to vent, I thankfully have the first group. The second group I treat with passiveness to avoid drama. They get nothing unless they ask, and if they do, I offer a simple "I don't have the same worldview as I used to," or some similar mild statement.