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Posted by: jiminycricket ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 06:25PM

Sunday October 6, 2013 – (2:00 p.m. Mountain Daylight Time)

. . . And it Came To Pass . . . that the 183rd Semiannual General Convergence of the WorldWideWealthy Church of Jesus Christ of Led-astray Saints, the Morgbots was Broadcast from the Great and Spacious Building in the shadows of the everlasting House of Handshakes (Salt Lake City, Utah). Loyal cult followers from all over the world assembled to receive visionary directives and indoctrination. Cult speakers were selected from among the privileged leaders and General Authorities of the Church, the Greater Elite having been sealed and/or enjoined by secret combination to Godhood courtesy of clandestine temple rites known as the Second Anointing. © 2013 by Unintellectual Preserved, Last Rites Preferred

. . . (1) Elder QUENTIN L. COOK, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
. . . (2) Elder NEIL L. ANDERSEN, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
. . . (3) Brother DAVID M. MCCONKIE, First Counselor in the Sunday School General Presidency
. . . (4) Elder KEVIN S. HAMILTON, Second Quorum of the Seventy
. . . (5) Elder ADRIAN OCHOA, Second Quorum of the Seventy
. . . (6) Elder TERENCE M. VINSON, Second Quorum of the Seventy
. . . (7) Elder RUSSELL M. NELSON, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
. . . (8) President THOMAS S. MONSON, President of the Church

NOTES from SESSION no. 5

CONDUCTING: President Henry B. Eyring
CHOIR: Mormon Tabernacle Choir
MUSIC DIRECTOR: Mack Wilberg, Ryan Murphy
ORGANIST: Bonnie Goodliffe

OPENING CHOIR NUMBER: “They the Builders of the Nation”

OPENING PRAYER: Brother David L. Beck, Young Men General President


1st SPEAKER: Elder Quentin L. Cook
Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
(1) The California Crook, sorry, but he’s as sly as it gets. Telling a story of Giuseppe Verdi.

(2) The Old Testament Jeremiah was in his day a contemporary of (fictional guy) Lehi. Jeremiah tells of the Lord’s lament on Jerusalem.

(3) “When evil choices become the dominant characteristic of a culture or nation, there’s serious consequences both in this life and the life to come.”

(4) Turning from God and worshiping false Gods like wealth and fame and engaging in immoral and unrighteous conduct result in bondage in all its insidious manifestations.”

(5) “Jeremiah and Lehi also taught that those who are righteous must help the Lord establish his Church and Kingdom and gather scattered Israel.” This message is at the heart of the Gospel in this dispensation.

(6) Quotes 10th article of faith.

(7) “. . . Righteous living is a prerequisite for assisting the Lord in gathering his elect and in the literal gathering of Israel.”

(8) Four ways moral agency is abused:

(9) First: addictions that impair agency, drugs, immorality, gambling, pornography etc.

(10) Second: addictions use up our precious time: video games, social media (the new missionary internet program?), sports, recreation, etc. We must preserve time for the family.

(11) Third: substituting the philosophies of men for Gospel truth lead us away from the simplicity of the Savior’s message. Goes on about women: too much to write (he speaks fast). In essence, women need to inoculate their kids from the evil world.

(12) Fourth: ??? Didn’t catch or hear it. EDIT:

2nd SPEAKER: Elder Neil L. Andersen
Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
(1) Another Priesthood talk. The Priesthood ordinances enrich our life and prepare us for the world ahead.

(2) The Temple brings added light and strength as well as the (false) promise of eternal life. As we keep these sacred covenants we receive Priesthood power and blessings.

(3) We see the ordinances of the Temple becoming a beacon of strength and light for righteous men and women across the world.

(4) Why are the Priesthood ordinances administered by men? Sounds like an apologetic discussion – I’m not going to write it down.

(5) Worthiness is central to performing and receiving Priesthood ordinances.

(6) Discusses the plague of pornography sweeping across the world – it is bondage. Repent of your secret abominations. If you are unworthy, withdraw from your Priesthood ordinances.

(7) Follow the example of President Monson.

(8) We move forward together, to prepare the Kingdom of God for the return of the Savior.


3rd SPEAKER: Brother David M. McConkie
First Counselor in the Sunday School General Presidency ****************************************************
(1) Grateful for teachers in the Church. There is a SECRET to becoming a successful Gospel teacher. You must have a testimony of the 1820 First Vision where Joseph Smith saw God and Jesus. The principle of revelation was everlasting and is established in our dispensation. God speaks. He spoke anciently. He spoke to Joseph, and he will speak to you. This is what sets teachers apart for they’ve been called by the spirit of prophecy.

(2) Teachers are on the Lord’s errand. You’re entitled to his help. Ask yourself what would the Savior say if he were teaching your class today?

(3) “You are called to preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ. You MUST NOT teach your own ideas or philosophy even mingled with scripture.”

(4) “You are COMMANDED to teach the principles of the Gospel as they are found in the standard works of the Church, to teach the words of modern day apostles and prophets and to teach that which is taught you by the Holy Ghost.”

(5) Live so you can have the Holy Ghost as your guide and companion.

(6) Speaking to teachers today, the First Presidency stated, “The most important part of your service will be your own daily spiritual preparation, including prayer, scripture study and obedience to the commandments. We encourage you to dedicate yourself to living the Gospel with greater purpose than ever before.”

(7) . . . “The most important part of your service is your personal spiritual preparation.” The Holy Ghost will help you know what to do.

(8) God commands - you must first seek his word. You must ask for his help. You will have the power of God unto the convincing of men.

(9) The Gospel comes in two ways: in word and in power. The word is written in the scriptures. The power comes by living so the Holy Ghost is your companion.

(10) BoM story. Alma understood these principles when he described how the Sons of Mosiah taught: they were men of understanding, they searched the scriptures, and they gave into much prayer and fasting.

(11) You must learn to listen to the spirit and to the student with your spiritual ears. After you’ve made all your preparations for your lesson you must be willing to let go and let the promptings of the Holy Ghost come and go with those promptings. Then your lesson becomes the Savior’s lesson.

(12) Treasure up the scriptures. The Holy Ghost will testify of their truthfulness and will reveal them ‘anew’ to you. Then the Holy Ghost will be able to bring all things to your remembrance, indeed it shall be given you in the very hour, yea in the very moment what ye shall say.

(13) You must stand as in independent witness of what you teach. You must feast on the words of Christ, and strive to live the Gospel with greater purpose than ever before, the Holy Ghost will manifest that things you are teaching are true. This is the spirit of revelation.

(14) Let’s end where we started in the Sacred Grove, with the First Vision. You are entitled to teach with power and authority of God. This is my testimony!

. . . Jiminycricket reminds Bro. McConkie . . . OPPS, there is a GIANT PROBLEM: Joseph Smith couldn't even remember that he saw God and Jesus in 1820 when he wrote his hand-written first hand account in 1832 or his testimony in the History of the Church in 1834-35. It's pretty hard to believe something that not even the Prophet of the Restoration couldn't recall.


4th SPEAKER: Elder Kevin S. Hamilton
Second Quorum of the Seventy
(1) (Geez, in my opinion he has evil eyes.) He recalls a story when his father was 13 years old and the family decided to go for a ride in the country. That Sunday afternoon the family took a ride in the country instead of going to the afternoon Sacrament Meeting. That decision ultimately led the family away from the Church.

(2) BoM story: Lehi shared a vision of the tree of life, the path and the rod of iron. (a) Many pushed forward to the path leading to that tree. (b) Many wandered off and were lost. (c) Many fell away into forbidden paths. (d) Others continually held to the rod of iron.

(3) We should be in the group that continually holds to the rod. We’ve made covenants to follow God and obey his commandments. We should partake of the Sacrament, then God will bless us with his spirit.

(4) In "Preach My Gospel" the missionaries teach that revelation and testimony come when we attend Church services and worship together, we strengthen each other, and we are renewed by our associate with friends and family. Our faith is strengthened as we study the scriptures and learn more about the restored Gospel.

(5) Why three separate meetings on Sunday?

(6) Sacrament Meeting: partake of the Sacrament, renew covenants, receive increased measure of the spirit, and have the additional blessing of being instructed and edified by the Holy Ghost.

(7) Sunday School: allows us to teach the doctrine of the restored Gospel.

(8) Priesthood Meetings: a time for men and young men to learn their duty and responsibilities.

(9) Relief Society: provides an opportunity for women to increase their faith, strengthen their families and homes, and help those in need.

(10) In each of these unique but connected meetings we learn the (correlated – whitewashed) doctrine, we feel the spirit, and we serve one another.

(11) “We should strive to attend all of our Sunday meetings. I promise that blessings of great joy and peace will come from worship during our THREE HOUR SUNDAY MEETING SCHEDULE.”

(12) Our family feels good when we attend our meetings. We even attend all our meetings when we are traveling. It’s a righteous decision.

(13) BIG QUOTE – “We each have many choices to make as to how we observe the Sabbath Day. There will always be some GOOD activity that can and should be sacrificed for the better choice of Church meeting attendance. This is in fact one of the ways that the ADVESARY cheateth our souls and leadeth us carefully away. He uses good activities as substitutes for better or even best activities.”

(14) Continue to hold fast to the rod of iron. Attend all your meetings. It’s part of the doctrine of Christ as taught in the BoM. Press forward feasting on the words of Christ even till the very end of our lives.

Jiminycricket notes . . . This guy looks like he could easily be the leader of the secret Strengthening Church Members Committee.

5th SPEAKER: Elder Adrian Ochoa
Second Quorum of the Seventy
(1) Story time playing with marbles and horses. It began to rain, the street flooded, we sought shelter, a family fed us, and let us sleep in their house, drew a circle on the floor, and played marbles till bedtime. As children we weren’t experienced of the rain clouds. I’ve learned not to forget to look UP.

(2) Don’t neglect to look UP.

(3) One word of warning of the signs of the times. THE INTERNET. We must remember not to view filthy images, “or give your attention to the false accusers of Christ and the Prophet Joseph Smith.”

(4) We must look to the source of truth. GEEEEEEZE – I QUIT – ON THIS GUY. I wonder if his talk will get redone before becoming 'official?'

6th SPEAKER: Elder Terence M. Vinson
Second Quorum of the Seventy
(1) Story time.

(2) Is God the center of your universe?

(3) We all have adversity. Those trials draw me closer to Heavenly Father and his son. He helped the BoM brother of Jared solve his (submarine) problem with fresh air.

(4) (Having a hard time following his talk – not well written. Or I’m getting really, really tired). Move on folks.

7th SPEAKER: Elder Russell M. Nelson
Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
(1) We’re all children of God. Love neighbor. Love human life in all its stages.

(2) Scripture teaches that the body and the spirit are the soul of man. As a dual being each of you can thank God for his priceless gifts for your body and your spirit.

(3) “You as his son or daughter were chosen by him to come to earth at this precise time to be leaders in his great work on earth. You were chosen not for your bodily characteristics, but for your spiritual attributes such as: bravery, courage, integrity of heart, thirst for truth, hunger for wisdom and a desire to serve others.”

(4) “A pivotal spiritual attribute is that of self-mastery, the strength to place reason over appetite. Self-mastery builds a strong conscience. And your conscience determines your moral responses in difficult tempting and trying situations.”


(5) “One day each of us will stand before the Lord in judgment. We will each have a personal interview with Jesus Christ. We will account for decisions we made about our bodies, our spiritual attributes, and how we honored God’s pattern for marriage and family.”


8th SPEAKER: President Thomas S. Monson
President of the Church
(1) He thanks everyone that participated in the conference.

(2) Bids farewell till the next general conference. NO NEW TEMPLES ANNOUNCED.

(3) NO TESTIMONY THAT THE CHURCH IS TRUE. What a pathetic, circling-down-the-drain ending!

CLOSING CHOIR NUMBER: “Abide With Me ‘Tis Eventide”

CLOSING PRAYER: Elder Claudio R. M. Costa, First Quorum of the Seventy

(TSCC teaches that we are to share our testimony as often as possible . . . right?) Well then . . .

. . . I’m so sorry to disappoint you President Uchtdorf, but I have not had the second anointing (and I don’t want it) and I did not sign a contract to insure financial security for myself and family paid by LDS tithe payers that requires spreading a faith promoting endless diatribe that enslaves and misleads millions of people on ‘whitewashed LDS history’. I have my integrity. I have my logic. I have true historical facts. Facts are stubborn things, aren’t they? I have knowledge. I cannot be made to feel guilty by Satan-scaremongering (the same tactics used in the Temple) and I cannot deny the truth. Why guilt and persecute me for knowing the truth? I HAVE NO DOUBTS . . .

. . . (1) I know that Joseph Smith COULD NOT REMEMBER (in his personally hand-written 1832 First Vision account or his 1834-35 History of the Church account) that he saw God the Father and Jesus Christ in 1820. Hence, his failure to testify on those two occasions clearly confirms that he DID NOT see both heavenly messengers.

. . . (2) I know that there is no historical, archeological, linguistic, or DNA evidence authenticating the Book of Mormon and that it is heavily plagiarized with early American influences (including imitative phraseology and stories from contemporary 18th and 19th century sources) proving it is fictional nonsense that did not originate on angelic delivered golden plates.

. . . (3) I know the ‘translation’ of The Book of Abraham and its three Egyptian Facsimiles in the Pearl of Great Price are 19th century Machiavellian fabrications (frauds) verified by proficient Egyptologists, thus obliterating Joseph Smith’s claim as a prophet and seer of ancient documents. And I know that not one General Authority, even a prophet-seer-or-revelator, made any direct quote from The Book of Abraham during 10 hours of General Conference. Why? Because none of you have a defense to support it as canonized scripture, and none of you can admit that Joe didn't 'translate' the papyri correctly because that would destroy him and, thus by default, YOU.

. . . (4) I know Joseph Smith’s translation and revelation of modern-day scripture, by means of his occultist trademark (his ‘peep-stone-in-a-hat’ ruse), annihilates and publically humiliates the LDS claims that Joseph Smith’s restored divine eternal truths are easily corroborated and respected by supernal faith belief methodologies.

. . . Finally, (5) It's an eternal truth that God cannot lie - for facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. I know with absolute certainty that listening to this broadcast has been as nourishing as a hot fudge sundae smothered in whipped cream and a heaping stomach-churning swig of LD$ INC. flavored ipecac syrup!

. . . And I leave this testimony with you in the name of our beloved master, even the internet lord almighty where "Fiction Fails and Truth Prevails" - even, Amen.


P.S. A special THANKS TO EACH ONE of you at RFM
for your thoughtful comments ♥ ♥ ♥.

I too concur with RFM poster cludgie who said,


Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 10/07/2013 02:20AM by jiminycricket.

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Posted by: wow ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 06:35PM

Hello DR. Cricket,

Your excellent work over the last two days reminds of the words of Churchill after the Battle of Britain,

" Never have so many, owed so much, to so few"

Thank You

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Posted by: kharky ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 06:38PM

Hi Jiminy --

Thank you for your notes! I cannot say how much they are helpful! It helps me in discussing issues with my TBM wife. Cheers!


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Posted by: laurel ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 06:42PM

Jiminycricket!! You endured to the end! Thank you so much for your cliff notes! You are my favorite Disney character. I have a little plastic you on my desk and many Christmas decorations on my tree. "Always let your conscience be your guide!"

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Posted by: myselfagain ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 06:44PM

I applaud and thank you for your copious and wonderful notes on our behalf.

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Posted by: PapaKen ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 06:49PM

Nothing about masturbation? Nothing about gays?

Or did I just miss it?

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Posted by: Brethren,adieu ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 06:55PM

Russell Nelson's references to" self mastery" I understood to be a euphemism for that. There was also a reference to Lehi's wet dream, ie, Hold Fast to the iron Rod.

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Posted by: Brethren,adieu ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 06:49PM

I was forced to listen to this last session, or in other words, had to at least hear it in my house. I testify that Mr Cricket telleth the truth and does not maketh this stuff up. Verily, Mr Cricket hath earned his reward: A cold. Beer if I ever meeteth him in person.

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Posted by: 64monkey ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 06:54PM

Thank you, Jiminy

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Posted by: earlyrm ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 06:55PM

Did you catch that? Pornography is bondage? Get the joke, yeah?

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Posted by: Greyfort ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 07:10PM

You rock! That was amazing.

I highly doubt that the one guy's family went inactive because of one drive through the country.

How Christ-like of them to create such fear towards those who would tell them the truth. It makes me wonder how I never noticed how evil this money-grubbing corporation is while I was a member of it.

I am so happy to be free of it. No more living by fear and guilt and self-loathing.

You know what's sad? A person's religion is a part of their personal lives. These people who control them are not their parents. They're not their bosses and they're not their friends. And yet, the people just willingly hand their power over to this evil organization, while they spend their entire lives running on that perpetual hamster wheel.

If it wasn't for their arrogance and their shunning, I'd feel sorry for them.

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Posted by: Anonymous User ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 07:42PM

Again, thank you x infinity. I have no idea how you got through 5 sessions of mind numbing bs.

My younger sister, the faux-über-hipster RM, has been at conference all weekend. It seems that the older she gets, the more she can stomach this bs.

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Posted by: seeking peace ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 07:42PM

What a gift--I enjoyed a weekend in the mountains (took family on a drive and we never returned!) Now I can decipher all the crap that will appear on FB this week without ever having to listen to a single word. An amen and amen to your fervent testimony~

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Posted by: Hold Your Tapirs ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 07:48PM

They've posted all but the Ochoa and Vinson talks, the two that I want to watch.

I want to hear what Ochoa said about the internet and I wanted to hear how jumbled Vinson's talk really was.

You think they're gonna hold back on posting these to do a little cleanup?

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Posted by: Tupperwhere ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 07:50PM

Thanks for the wrap up!~

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Posted by: crookedletter ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 08:34PM

Thanks! Good to know some of what my TBM family heard this weekend. I'm sure they're knowingly nodding their heads about their "lost" girl who read anti stuff online and lost her testimony!

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Posted by: spaghetti oh ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 09:42PM

Thanks for all the Cryptnotes, jiminycricket!

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Posted by: CA girl ( )
Date: October 06, 2013 09:51PM

Yes, thank you. You've shown amazing courage and stamina. Plus, they are extremely good write-ups. Not sure how to tell you this but we'll all be hoping you can do the same next April. :)

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Posted by: nailamindi ( )
Date: October 07, 2013 01:25AM

I don't know if his sanity would make it through another round! Thanks jiminy!

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Posted by: jiminycricket ( )
Date: October 07, 2013 01:28AM

Smiles, Hugs and THANK YOU!

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Posted by: notnewatthisanymore ( )
Date: October 07, 2013 01:39AM

I wanted to show my support for the heroic efforts of JiminyCricket, have one thousand digital cookies, please.

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