Hello stacyellsworth,
I was raised in Mormonism (toddler to age 28) and was a missionary in 1984/5. I left after reading in 1992 a non-fiction book (pub. in 1988) written by two American lawyers entitled "The Mormon Murders: A True Story of Greed, Forgery, Deceit, and Death." Here's what Publishers Weekly said about the book:
"As part of a scathing depiction of a deceitful, materialistic Mormon Church, lawyers Naifeh and Smith (co-editors of the biennial directory The Best Lawyers in America , etc.) point out that the 1985 Salt Lake City scandals and bombings that convulsed the community had a precedent in certain dubious practices of the church's prophet and founder Joseph Smith. The suspenseful plot, involving a series of murders and a large cast of Mormons and police investigators, centers on the purchase and suppression by church officials of authentic and forged documents that cast doubts on basic tenets of their faith and attested to the cover-up of Smith's unsavory past. Under the threat of blackmail, the church bought many of these documents from the dealer-bomber Mark Hofmann; according to the authors, Hoffmann, after confessing the murders and forgeries, was allowed, thanks to the church's political influence, to plea bargain the murder indictment into a manslaughter charge thereby sparing the church an embarrassing trial that could have revealed its complicity." (Ref.
http://www.amazon.com/Mormon-Murders-Onyx-Steven-Naifeh/dp/0451401522)
The info. presented in "The Mormon Murders" destroyed my 'faith' in Mormonism (the product of years of LDS indoctrination and psychological conditioning, actually). Why? Because it revealed the unique relationship between forger/murderer-to-be Hofmann and LDS "prophets" and other General Authorities. The investigative book also disclosed many disturbing historical facts about Joseph Smith (JS) and early Latter-day Saint history that the Mormon Church had never revealed to me or millions of other members.
Here are some examples:
Joseph Smith used his hat and a rock that he believed possessed supernatural power to 'translate' the Book of Mormon. You won't hear this from the missionaries (they're very likely ignorant about many strange and troubling aspects of early Mormon history).
Now, here is what LDS apostle Russell Nelson told new mission president in June 1992, according to the LDS Church's Ensign magazine for adult members:
“Joseph Smith would put the seer stone into a hat, and put his face in the hat, drawing it closely around his face to exclude the light; and in the darkness the spiritual light would shine. A piece of something resembling parchment would appear, and on that appeared the writing. One character at a time would appear, and under it was the interpretation in English. Brother Joseph would read off the English to Oliver Cowdery, who was his principal scribe, and when it was written down and repeated to Brother Joseph to see if it was correct, then it would disappear, and another character with the interpretation would appear. Thus the Book of Mormon was translated by the gift and power of God, and not by any power of man.” (Ref.
http://www.lds.org/ensign/1993/07/a-treasured-testament?lang=eng)
And here is what the LDS Church's Friend magazine for children said in Sept. 1974 (I was 10):
"Joseph [Smith] also used an egg-shaped, brown rock for translating called a seer stone. The translating was done at Peter Whitmer’s home, a friend of the Prophet’s where Oliver Cowdery, Emma Smith (Joseph’s wife), one of the Whitmers, or Martin Harris wrote down the words spoken by the Prophet as soon as they were made known to him.
"Martin Harris said that on the seer stone 'sentences would appear and were read by the Prophet and written by [the one writing them down] and when finished [that person] would say "written;" and if correctly written, the sentence would disappear and another take its place; but if not written correctly it remained until corrected, so that the translation was just as it was engraven on the plates.'”
(Ref.
http://www.lds.org/friend/1974/09/a-peaceful-heart?lang=eng)
You won't hear from the missionaries or LDS Church leaders or teachers about JS' hat and supposedly magical "egg-shaped, brown rock for translating", that's for sure!
You also won't learn from them that Joseph Smith became a sexual predator and targeted other men's wives, single women, and girls as young as 14 to make them his plural wives. The full list is at
http://www.wivesofjosephsmith.org/The LDS Church has online a list of several - but not all - of JS' polygamous wives (BTW, marrying more than one woman was illegal in Ohio, Illinois, and other U.S. states where he lived). The partial list is online at
https://familysearch.org/pal:/MM9.2.1/99P4-SHNYou also won't hear from the missionaries or during LDS Church meetings about Fanny Alger. Who was she? The teenage servant girl who worked in the home of JS and his only legal wife, Emma. The genealogy record showing JS' marriage (unlawful, mind you!) to young Fanny at
https://familysearch.org/pal:/MM9.2.1/SP82-WTVYou can read a lot of info. about the plural wives of JS, who committed adultery with several females, at
http://www.utlm.org/topicalindexc.htm#JSPolygamy and
http://signaturebooks.com/2010/02/in-sacred-loneliness-the-plural-wives-of-joseph-smith/ There is also an informative video at
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTQwnLCV024Naive, 'faithful' Mormons erroneously believe that JS didn't have sex with ANY of his plural wives. The historical truth, however, is that he did and got various females pregnant. Sarah Pratt, the wife of 19th-century LDS apostle Orson Pratt, provided a lot of info. about JS' adulterous relations during the time he was the so-called "prophet." Revelant info is online at
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,968983,969328#msg-969328If you're interested, here's a good list of books and online videos about Mormonism:
http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1043878,1044876#msg-1044876It's important to bear in mind that the info. you receive from the missionaries and LDS Church is propaganda, not the truth. Since 1830, the church has SYSTEMATICALLY misled millions of people and taught them to hand over billions of dollars to the organization.
Caroline Winter, a reporter with Businessweek magazine, did an indepth news article last year about the Mormon Church and its multi-billion-dollar money-making empire (to enrich itself, not Latter-day Saints!). Caroline's informative, 7-page piece begins at
http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2012-07-10/how-the-mormons-make-money#p1Want to learn about simulated violence and naked touching in LDS temple ceremonies (as a 'brainwashed' young Mormon in 1983, I can vouch both happened)? Read Chapter 22 of "The Changing World of Mormonism" by Sandra and Jerald Tanner (Mormon history experts) at
http://www.utlm.org/onlinebooks/changecontents.htm In fact, the entire book is worth reading, IMO.
Concerning the emotions that you've experienced when you prayed with Mormon missionaries, bear this important reality in mind: "When we live consciously we do not imagine that our feelings are an infallible guide to truth.” Who said that? Dr. Nathaniel Branden, a psychotherapist in California who pioneered the study of self-esteem decades ago.
Dr. Branden wrote in his best-selling book, "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem", that "living consciously is living responsibly toward reality. We do not necessarily have to like what we see, but we recognize that that which is, is, and that which is not, is not."
Mormonism is not about reality; it's about illusion. It's about a lot of misguided-yet-generally-friendly people being ignorant about JS and Mormon history and mentally regurgitating what the LDS Church has taught them, which includes a lot of nonsense.
Crucially, Joseph Smith wasn't a "prophet", as he led people to believe. He was court-convicted fraudster who created the Latter-day Saint religion and then abused his ecclesiastical power to go after dozens of Mormon females (teenagers to middle-aged women), repeatedly breaking Emma's heart in the process.
In January of last year, the news agency Reuters did a special report about the LDS Church that said:
"A religious studies class late last year at Utah State University in Logan, Utah, was unusual for two reasons. The small group of students, faculty and faithful there to hear Mormon Elder Marlin Jensen were openly troubled about the future of their church, asking hard questions. And Jensen was uncharacteristically frank in acknowledging their concerns.
"Did the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints know that members are 'leaving in droves?' a woman asked.
"'We are aware,' said Jensen, according to a tape recording of his unscripted remarks. 'And I'm speaking of the 15 men that are above me in the hierarchy of the church.'"
Jensen also disclosed that "My own daughter has come to me and said, 'Dad, why didn't you ever tell me that Joseph Smith was a polygamist?'"
The Reuters report also stated:
"For the younger generation, Jensen acknowledged, 'Everything's out there for them to consume if they want to Google it.' The manuals used to teach the young church doctrine, meanwhile, are 'severely outdated.'" (In other words, not truthful!)
"These are tumultuous times for the faith founded by Joseph Smith in 1830, and the rumbling began even before church member Mitt Romney's presidential bid put the Latter-Day Saints in the spotlight."
"Jensen, the church's official historian, would not provide any figures on the rate of defections, but he told Reuters that attrition has accelerated in the last five or 10 years[.]"
(Ref.
http://uk.reuters.com/article/2012/01/30/uk-mormonchurch-idUKTRE80T1CP20120130)
A related report by ABC News in Salt Lake City said: "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is losing a record number of its membership. A new report quotes an LDS general authority who said more members are falling away today than any time in the past 175 years." (Ref.
http://www.cw30.com/content/news/top_stories/story/Number-of-faithful-Mormons-rapidly-declining/rvih3gOKxEm5om9IYJYnRA.cspx)
You have the right to learn the FULL truth about Mormonism before making a decision to participate in it, or not. There are excellent books and online videos that reveal the facts, including many that Mormons tend to ignore or trivialize.
People on this board will help you as best we can.
Cheers!