I was thinking about sending out an e-mail to TBM family and friends. Most know my current situation, but they don't want to hear about my doubts, etc... I want the e-mail to be short and to the point, but not sound attacking. I basically wanted to bring up one doctrinal/historical issue that most wouldn't know about, and then ask "What else don't you know about your church?" I might include Uchtdorf's quote about members not leaving because they want to be lazy or sin.

So, if you were to bring up a single issue, something that might get a TBM to start thinking, what would it be?

I wouldn't. I would consider it hypocritical, because I sure wouldn't like it if my TBM family and friends suddenly sent me church-y emails. It's one thing to have topics prepared as a defense if they strike first, and it's quite another to fire the first shot. If they aren't ready to consider the possibility that the church isn't true, it will backfire and only strengthen their resolve.

I've mulled over the idea of sending my family an explanation for five years now. But every time, even after writing 20+ pages at times, I've changed my mind. I made the decision to leave TSCC on my own, without any prodding from anyone. They have every right to make that decision in the same way.

I agree completely. In my experience, this kind of message doesn't help anything, and actually does a lot of harm.

The best message you can give your friends and family is to live a happy, healthy life. They will notice the difference, and it will do more to cause doubts than any succinct criticism of the church ever could.

I also agree based on my own actions. I sent my loved ones a letter thinking that it would open many doors to communication between myself and them. Did this happen? Nope. And I felt at the time that I had written a letter that was benign and not angry. I did ask them to please take the challenge and look into both sides of mormonism.

I was stunned there was no reply. I have reread the letter I sent and I wish I had not sent it. I agree that the only message that I have seen work is for people to see that you love life, have integrity, care about others, and enjoy your new found outlook on life. This can open the door to curiosity and communication.

Good advice. If you send something make it about you still want to have a positive relationship and you hope that it was not based only on sharing a common religion. There are 7b people on this earth who think and believe differently and if we need to respect each other. If someone asks answer but most don’t want to know and they will be terrified of you for it. They know in their heart something is wrong. If you truly believed something and someone you were tight with said they no longer believed, wouldn’t you ask why they felt that way?

I wonder if a coming out letter like this might be more helpful if its sent to everyone individually instead of some kind of mass email. When its sent out mass email-like, it might lose some kind of connection with the individual and they might see it as some kind of drive by shooting instead of an interpersonal communication. It sounds like a me against the team or some kind of PUBLIC protest instead of confiding with that one person.

Maybe it would be better if you address each person individually and make it clear in the letter that you are not trying to de-convert or make some kind of apostate point in your letter but you just wanted to get it out in the open where you stand with the church and get it off your chest. Be clear that its not some kind of attempt to deconvert them and that you don't want it to be any kind of issue with them. Explain that nothing changes between you and them and that you would just like to continue in your relationship as if nothing has changed.

The main point wouldn't be to de-convert them, or push the truth on them. I really just want them to recognize that there are legitimate reasons to doubt, whether these things affect their faith or not. I don't want them pitying me, believing Satan has a hold on me, that I have some secret undisclosed sin, etc... I just don't see any chance of having a normal relationship with any of my family ever again.

Emails, signs, or conversations disclosing the truth are important especially if you believe in a God. I was never told what I have told my family and friends ----- now the burden is on them and off me! Did it do any good? Not nearly to the extent I thought as I thought everyone interested in God was a truth seeker ----- what a misconception that was. I have converted some away from Mormonism and the rest well ---- they can go to Hell for being warned then sticking up their prideful noses and ignoring the warning!

This is the worst idea ever and has been done here by sincere people who were delusional to think that their family are Mormons due to facts.

People join/leave a religion for a combination of complex reasons and facts is on the list but down towards the bottom.

What a mass email would do is brand you as the kind of apostate your family members were warned to avoid and the kind that the bishop asks about when they attend a temple recommend interview.

You are aware, I hope, that they will be asked if they associate with or sympathize with people like you. They are stunned that you left and now you go on the offensive to offend them all in a lump with a mass mailout.

Try to put yourself in their place. Try to empathize and have compassion for what another person must be feeling. If you still come up empty, let me help you:

THEY THINK ITS THEIR FAULT THAT YOU LEFT. If they had only been a better brother/father/mother/sister and set a good example, this would not have happened. They feel like failures and are deeply hurt. Your rejection of Mo-dumb feels to them like a rejection of THEM.

If you want to be of help, send out a mass email thanking each and every one of them for the examples of virtue they have been in your life. For example, "Jack, you taught me how to be responsible for myself in the woods and to respect the animals."

Or, "Mom, I will never forget all the wonderful Family Home Evenings and the time and effort you put in to make them fun."

Express your own FEELINGS---"Although I have had to make the difficult choice to leave the church we all loved, I hope to remain close (or to grow closer) to each of you as I continue my personal journey. I hope you will be interested in my sharing that with you to some degree, but if not, I certainly understand."

The assumption that everyone wants an explanation or that you will help them by pointing out the lies that the church teaches, are simply not true. By attacking their founder or the corporation posing as a church, you will alienate them from ever being able to think of you as "loving even though apostate."

Someone once said that a wise man is able to learn from the experiences of others. It's why we have this board.

Best

Anagrammy

>>> If you want to be of help, send out a mass email thanking >>> each and every one of them for the examples of virtue they >>> have been in your life. Or, "Mom, I will never forget all >>> the wonderful Family Home Evenings and the time and effort >>> you put in to make them fun."

I agree with pretty much everything you said Anagrammy, but I'm afraid the above suggestion needs to be carefully worded otherwise the Morgbots are going to read into it things you don't want them to. They might get big headed and see this as a "yes we ARE a great, moral and spiritually-in-touch people for which even this apostate can see. It's apparent this lost soul REALLY misses "the light" we posses and what the church offers, blah, blah, blah..."

The op needs to make sure he doesn't put them on some kind of pedestal which differentiates them from non-Mormons otherwise they might get the wrong idea.

My TBM family has been mostly not very nice or good to me most of my life, so I can't compliment them on the good stuff. In fact, two of them were horribly abusive to me when I was growing up. I'v contemplated calling them on it, because it is horrible watching them self righteously try to show "the world" what great people (aka Mormons) they are... when I know how they treated their own family members.

But have mostly just avoided contact.

Facts are not necessarily "down towards the bottom" of the list of reasons why people of faith adhere to their chosen path.

That said, it is certainly wise to carefully and compassionately consider the position of others, and to respond accordingly.

The approach to express sincere gratitude for the good others have done for you, to focus on the positive aspects of your relationships with them, and to keep the door open to continued conversations and positive interactions with those whom you are close to may be a respectful and smart one.

My comment about facts being low on the list refers to the importance I place on the carrying of myths as part of the religious choices we make.

For example, your savior choices come in several flavors: Krishna, Mohammed, Jesus, Ghandi, or even Buddha as in "the dharma saved my life."

I didn't make that clear.


Namaste

Anagrammy

If you do mention one thing, I might mention how you were always taught that the reason for polygamy was because there were so many widows who needed husbands due to the men being killed. You can then explain how you found this to be a complete and utter falsehood perpetuated and the church makes no effort to correct this misonception:

1) Very few men Mormon men were actually killed (at least in comparison to the whole population)

2) There were actually more men than women according to Utah population statistics and that there was actually a surplus of men, not women.

3) Most of the plural wives were actually very young and never married (many of whom were teenagers as young as 14).

4) The early church leaders had not just a few, but a dozen or more wives. Joseph Smith had at least 30 (but possibly up to
50), Brigham Young had 55, Heber C Kimball 45, John Taylor 9.

5) Because there was a shortage of women, men had to secure themselves a wife by marrying younger and younger women, or go without.

To the OP: I am in a similar situation. I have written a letter that is intended for anyone who wants to know why I am leaving the church. I want it to be non-threatening to any TBMs. Originally I had put in a few of the issues that I learned about the church, but I've been rethinking that. So, I'm going to edit it so there are no specific issues in there. The reason I have this letter at all is to let people know I haven't made this decision lightly, and that I believe I've been led to this point by God. At the end of this letter, I let them know that if they want to know details about the troubling issues, I have another paper prepared that they may read. I have a disclaimer that if they don't want their testimony damaged, they should not ask to read the other paper.

So, from all of this, I guess what I'm saying is to have something prepared and offer it, but let your family decide whether or not they want to know more.