I have been with my partner for four years. Things are going well.

My entire family is Mormon. It is a very large family at that. My grandmother has called inviting me to thanksgiving dinner with the family. Everyone will be there. First time the entire family has been together for a long time. Although she has stated that certain members of the family have requested that I do not bring my partner.....

My family is rabidly homophobic. Well to be fair, SOME of them are okay with it, but most are bigoted. I told my grandmother that if my partner was not welcomed I did not feel welcomed and would not go...... She is now saying that if that's the case I may as well stop talking with her or the family. In other words threatening to cut me off because of it....

I don't have a problem with their Mormon ways, but I do have a problem with the fact they cannot respect my life.... So sick of this religion. It has not made my family grow stronger, it has destroyed it. I have made every effort to be apart of the family, but because I am gay they don't want anything to do with me.... I am not sure what to do.... I am thinking of writing an email to everyone stating I respect their beliefs, but if they cannot respect me then I guess we might as well call it quits.

I can tell my partners feelings are hurt. I cannot stand anymore of this. Anyone have a Mormon spin I can throw at them? I thought the churches new stance was to put family first, not condone homosexuality, but to respect anyone in the family who was homosexual.

Don't you and your partner have some fabulous friends and black sheep family members you could invite to your own house for Thanksgiving dinner? I mean screw the Mormons. Don't you want wine with your turkey?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/20/2013 08:41PM by wine country girl.

My thought too. Have your own Thanksgiving, perhaps four hours later or earlier than Grandma. Find out who is willing to drop by.

Your grandma made her position clear.....
I'm sorry. I wouldn't talk to her again. But I would leave things open for others. I'm sorry that the big family functions with everyone are apparently out for you. If you leave things open then at least there is still a possibility that in the future some attitudes may change. It's not fair, but good for you for standing up for yourself. Your emotions are probably high right now because of this, and that always makes us want to do something about it. But I would stand firm that if your partner is not welcome then you are not either, and then leave things open......

You answer your own question: If they do not want to respect you and your life, you've no need to pay them any attention.

Now, if you really want to go, make it clear to your family (not just grandma) that you'll only go if you can bring your partner, as he is your immediate family. Let them decide what is more important to them: seeing you, or not seeing your partner.

Whatever they decide, don't judge them too harshly. I know that sounds like a stupid request, but you gotta remember they have been brainwashed by a cult, and very few people can overcome that.

What they all said... The older I get, the more I realize that sometimes the best family members are the ones you choose yourself.

Stay home and have your own fabulous Thanksgiving dinner. And be sure to break the WoW while you're at it.

Bring your partner anyways.

Make out with him at the dinner table. That ought to do it.

I'm so sorry. I think that you and your partner should enjoy Thanksgiving by yourselves, or with friends. Or consider going someplace nice for the holiday. Perhaps in future years you can invite the more sympathetic members of your family to your home for a feast.

Having a special dinner of your own, at your own home, can be very nice.

It can be even nicer if you find some friends/neighbors/co-workers who would otherwise be alone, and make a group celebration of real love, happiness, and all the other things that we can be thankful for.

Some of my best holidays have been of that latter sort.

And I join the others in congratulating you for standing up for yourself and your relationship to your partner!

Family sucks sometimes, and some family is toxic. I don't think you will be treated well even if they concede and allow your partner to go. You would both be welcome at my dinner table any time.

Is your grandfather alive? Have a party and invite him on the condition that grandma is not invited.

Seriously, a homophobic environment like that is toxic and not healthy for you and your partner. They don't deserve the pleasure of having you play along. It only enables their homophobia.

I'm guessing your partner is more important to you than your family.

This is every bit as bad as not allowing non-Mormons into the temple to attend family weddings.

The church wins. It gets to pretend it is all about family when the reality is that it destroys families who have people who don't meet their demands. They don't deserve you indulging them, IMO.

It may be that your Grandma is thinking that you are forcing the gay issue which she does not believe in at her home. You probably are not going to change her mind or many of the relatives. Even though you think it should not be a problem (in reality it shouldn't be) to those in the family that are rigid in their beliefs, it is a problem. From her generation to be a good hostess you must make everyone comfortable and happy at a gathering (I am close to that generation).

If you say to her you are not comfortable attending without your partner, she will refuse like she did but she will flap her jaws about how you disrespected her. Why not call her back and say, you were going to come alone but a relative of your friend (don't use the word partner) is very ill and wants you to attend a different turkey day gathering. That way she can say you are attending the holiday with a very sick person who wanted to see you. You don't have to give details. Keep it short.

That would keep the family somewhat attached and will give them an out instead of badmouthing you.

Then hold a gathering of lost souls and those who do not want to attend a family function or are alone. How are they going to know who was there and who was not. You will have a good holiday and so will they.

Perhaps you and your partner can drop by unannounced well before the party. Say 2 days before turkey day. Bring a dish or pies for the gathering and thank her for being understanding that you will not be able to attend. Make it short. She may toss it out like some of us throw out vt cookies but that is on her not you two.

Small private doses of your relationship might grow on her. But if you try and shove it down her throat you will alienate yourself from the family.

I know this is not how you think, but to keep peace try and go thru the backdoor method.

I remember in the 1960s when "Guess who is coming to dinner" came out, the public was aghast that a daughter would bring an African American man to dinner without notice. Society at that time just did not mingle. I guess I am saying for ever this has been a problem, whether it is gays, different cultures, different religions, or different ideas on things. You can push but it won't accomplish much but negative outcomes or sneak up on them quietly and perhaps a change will happen. I would not put a lot of hope into a grandmother changing her views, my parents never did (they were equal opportunity bigots).

Best of luck, and have a great day

I think offering lies as excuses not to go are a bad idea. Extbm1324 has already stated the truth--he/she will only come if partner is welcome. Partner isn't welcome, so the decision is made.

They don't respect your adult choices. You have no reason to respect theirs. I would NOT write to them and say, "I respect your choices, but..." I made this mistake myself when I left and all it really did was give them the upper hand. They knew they they had my respect- regardless of whether they gave me theirs. They expect me to follow all their rules and act extra careful and try hard to not make them look a fool because I said I respected their beliefs. But that's not fair. No one should have to pretend to be someone different around their family to desperately prove they respect them and desperately try to earn their respect. If your family decides to respect you and wants you in their life- let them come to you and show you their respect. Until then, don't make any effort. Don't go to the dinner, don't call them, just live your life and enjoy yourself. Be happy. When and if your family is ready for a two way relationship- they can approach you.

Good luck- just be happy- with the life you want.

Your story is SO similiar to my DH's cousin. We will be going to their house for Thanksgiving. This is 20 years after they were uninvited to my DH's family dinner, because of "their partnership."

I really feel for you. I hope you can find your way through these treacherous waters.

As for my DH and I, we absolutely LOVE his cousin and his partner. They are so kind to us and our kids. They are heartfelt and accepting. Some of us family are actually a part of their family gatherings now. Such a change from 20 years ago when they were uninvited to Thanksgiving.

Time changes things, and time heals. But if it doesn't, then it's time to find your own traditions without them. You have to do what's best for you and your partner. Life is too short for hate.

What does your partner say about how you two should go about this?

You could simply send your email stating that due to their lack of acceptance of you and your partner, you will no longer be attending family functions or be in communication with them.

Alternatively, you and your partner could simply show up for Thanksgiving dinner and act civil and cordial. If anyone makes a scene, it's on them. Your acting like a normal human being could leave a lasting impression, especially on the kids, particularly if the alternative is to cut off all contact. You might want to prepare for the worst, of course, with back up plans.

In any scenario, though, good luck in a very difficult situation.

It would be miserable. Why subject yourself to that intolerance?

Plan something else that includes people who you love you for who you are. So sorry about your family.

I did like the idea someone suggested of putting the shoe on the other foot. Maybe you could just ask Grandma how SHE would feel if you invited Grandpa to dinner, but not her. Would that be acceptable to her? If not, then she should understand that her request to leave your partner at home is both rude and cruel.

I'm sorry you are going through this!

I agree that you and your partner will probably have to ignore your family for a while. Be nice. Send Christmas cards.

The Mormons will shun whoever they want to shun, for whatever reason. I sympathize with Gays with Mormon families--it must be far worse than what I went through. Still, I can substitute "inactive" or "apostate" or "unmarried woman" or "divorcee" or "bi-racial couple" or any race you want, for the word "Gay" and the behavior of the Mormons is pretty much the same. Mormons are full of hate, and they must hate whoever it is they decide to hate. Would you laugh if I were to say that it is not personal? What I mean is, it doesn't matter if you are the most wonderful people on the planet. All they care about is their stupid cult. Let them fester in it.

Do you really want to be around these people?

I had to leave my family, because my brother was abusive, and he was starting in on my children. The brother was extremely manipulative, and the family felt sorry for him, and they never believed us, or my brother's coworker, or his neighbor (who filed lawsuits) or my nieces. My brother was at every family get-together, and always put his hands on me, every time, in the hallway, or in the yard, or getting into my car to leave. My family enabled this. Your family will abuse you verbally, with little comments, eye-rolls, whispers behind your back. Like you, I really believed that I could stand up for myself, yet still keep my good Mormon family relationships. Eight years later, they are all gone--but the children and I are living much happier lives!

I like the idea of forming your own celebrations, your own traditions, and making new friends, together. Take a fun road trip together, to get away for a while. You are right to stick with your partner--WTG!

You and your partner plan to have dinner together and invite some family you know will be happy to come. If you can't afford that completely, ask invitees to bring a dish to share. Nothing wrong with potluck dinners even on TG day. At any rate, have a great holiday!

So much for giving thanks for all we are/have.

Please do your own thing on T day.

Screw your relatives....


I will toast you on Thanksgiving; with alcohol, of course.

Hopefully things will change with time, but I wouldn't hold my breath. I have learned to expect the worst from some family members. That way I'm plesantly surprised when they act otherwise.

I was asked not to bring my partner to a family Christmas party a couple years ago. I had three SILs that threatened to take their families and leave if I showed up with a boyfriend. My mother was upset when I told her I would not attend if he was not welcome. We had a wonderful party with some frineds that night instead. My partner told me then he would wrather not be invited than go and be treated horribly.

With time, some of the family members at least have changed their outward reaction to us. Some of the initiators in the above scenario have invited us to their homes for celebrations.

I think you have misinterpreted TSCC stand on homosexuality. They are now saying that it is not a sin to be homosexual, but it is still a sin to live a homosexual lifestyle. Since you have a partner, your grandmother is assuming that you are living a homosexual lifestyle and are therefore committing sin.

I feel really sorry for your grandmother. There will be empty chairs at her table that could have been filled by interesting guests. It is her loss.

I'm sorry that you and your partner have had your feelings hurt, especially since the hurt comes from those who should love you unconditionally.

As others have suggested, you can make your own Thanksgiving celebration by inviting some people to join you. If that doesn't work out, you could volunteer to serve dinner at a shelter or deliver dinners to the elderly. There are plenty of grandmas out there who aren't as fortunate as yours.

Does grandma, using that logic, disinvite the two college aged kids who, unmarried, had sexual relations (oral) while away at school this month, the teenage boy who masturbated twice last week abd didn't confess to his bishop, the wife without a temple recommend because she refused to pay a full tithe since doing so would mean her electricity got turned off, and the dad, who watched porn in his Marriott hotel room, while away on business.

And then disinvite herself, since she judged when she should have judged not?

Fair's fair, right? Sinner, sinner, no turkey dinner.

Bye: I think grandma misinterpreted Mormon rules in this one because doesn't the LDS church also say to hate the sin, but love the sinner?

If her answer would be for those others that their sins are between them and their bishop or them and their god, and it is not for her to judge, then why is it hers to judge in this case?

There is after all evidence of these other sins (hotel bill, no current recommend to show, etc), if evidence is required for her.

Regardless, her house her rules. So, have your own dinner. Invite your friends, the intern that can't afford to fly home for the holiday, the old lady next door who never gets out/gets invited anywhere, the foreigner in your department that never celebrate this holiday but is exceedingly interested in how it all works, etc.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/21/2013 04:41PM by bookratt.

It does not seem like your gradmother is very temple worthy.
I think you should have your own dinner party and see who shows up.

You don't need to put any kind of Mormon spin on it. Buying into their needs is the last thing that will help. You tell them straight out that your partner and you come as a package, same as any other couple. They need to know that your partner is the most important thing in your life now, ahead of them.

My family has a big family tree in the living room and everyone of the kids and grandkids and extended family has a photo on it. Except of course for my partner of 32 years. I visit rarely. He never goes. Their loss.

It is not your duty to make them comfortable with their bigotry. And it is not your partner's responsibility to endure the situation.

You aren't losing out on anything by not going. You are gaining self respect and a chance to enjoy the day with people who are not prejudiced. Your absence may make them dig a little deeper in the future and find their hearts, but I wouldn't count on it. They're Mormons.

Unfortunately those in our grandparents' generation are probably going to have to die off before gay family members and their partners/spouses are welcomed. I say this because I have a grandmother like yours, and her homophobia caused by Catholicism caused my gay uncle to commit suicide as he could never be his true self around my grandparents.

I'll add that I'm sorry to hear that your family (maybe not all, but enough) has decided to treat you this way.

Unfortunately, your grandmother has made her position clear. It's sad that she is so intolerant of who her own grandchild that she no longer wants to communicate with you.

I can't imagine how hard this is on you and your partner. I too, think that you should not subject yourself to being scrutinized if you go. If you go without your partner, then the message would you be sending is that are a second class person in your own family who was not allowed to bring your significant other, while watching other people sitting with theirs. If you do go and show up with your partner, you will very likely be asked to leave, or at the very least be the subject of passive aggressive statements and later told that you caused all kinds of conflict.

You will not change everyone's mind in one month... You just won't. I know that's hard to hear, but if she is so adamant that she no longer wants to hear from you, then it's probably for the best that you do not go. I can almost guarantee that any mormon jargon you throw at her to try and get her to change her mind will be dismissed and seen as argumentative on your part and will be used to further establish in their minds that you no are no longer "worthy" of THE Family.

Better to be with people who do love you for who you are. If anyone in your family asks if you will be attending, be honest, "Grandma said that if I came that {significant other's name her} would not be invited. I didn't think that it was right to not bring my significant other with me, when everyone else will. I hope you have a good time. We will be doing, {other activity here} instead where both of us will be accepted." Do not cover up for her, do not lower your standards for her.

I know this doesn't help much because it's incredibly painful when your own family doesn't accept you for being you. I hope that you and your partner can do something fun and interesting on Thanksgiving and that you will be able to have that be a happy memory going forward.

Do you really respect their beliefs? I don't, but I do respect their right to believe in whatever they choose. If they can't respect your right in choosing to follow your natural inclinations that include being with the one you love, then the dye is cast, is it not? Respect must be reciprical for a healthy relationship to occur.

Count your blessings that you have someone in your life whom you love and loves you in return. It's a good thing.

Have the best Thanksgiving ever!

I'm sorry your grandmother has taken this stance. But remember, she can't speak for the entire family; she can only speak for herself.

For that reason, I'd leave the avenues of communication open with the rest of the family and not send out any blanket email. As you said, some don't have a problem with your situation. Give those people a chance to stay in your life. In time, you may find that others change their minds and hearts.

The younger generation is more open-minded on this issue. And the older generation won't be around forever.

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your partner and some loving friends!

I think the OP erred in conditioning his acceptance. The original position of the grandmother was merely to indicate some people would not take kindly but did not say the partner was not welcome. The OP should simply indicate he will bring his/her partner and accept the fact some will be unaccepting. Others may agree. It is important not to get in the face of those not accepting. Some may be ambivalent and may change their beliefs.

Yeah I would show up with a pumpkin pie and my partner. It would be good for your family to get more comfortable with your life. It would actually be doing them a favor and they may learn they actually like who you picked. Maybe they just need a little exposure to your lifestyle and they are speaking from ignorance. You have to start somewhere to help people grow and change. It can be done. In fact, there are many Mormons after realizing they were wrong are leaving because they can no longer stand behind their church.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/22/2013 08:14PM by snuckafoodberry.

So your parents' feeling are hurt. Who is giving any thought to how YOU are feeling?


Stupid Stupid Cult

I think you overreacted when your grandmother said certain people in your family asked that you not bring your partner.

I am sure you were shocked, as anybody would be, to have any relatives who would be so cruel. The truth is that MOST of your family was all right with your partner coming.

You escalated it into a crisis which is now looming as a complete disconnection between you and your family. This didn't need to happen.

Why don't you call your Grandma back and apologize. Tell her you overreacted and that you feel glad that most of the family were going to follow the church's advice and be accepting of homosexuals as human beings deserving of kindness like anyone else.

Tell her you are coming and you are bringing your partner and if anyone has a problem with it, you are happy to meet with them and the bishop as mediator to moving forward with a Family First attitude.

YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT! You don't have to sit by and let haters take away the family you love. Fight for it and who knows, your courage in the face of mini hate crime might be just the example they need to be shamed into being decent to those who think differently than they do.

If you come and the haters stay away, great--let them. They can stew in their own bitterness while you and your more accepting relatives enjoy a lovely holiday.

I don't see why the haters get to call the shots. I certainly don't reward that in my family. We always have sh*t like this going on..."I won't come if she comes." I always say, "We'll miss you, honey, and hope you change your mind."

Good luck whichever way you decide is right for you!

Hugs

Anagrammy

"The truth is that MOST of your family was all right with your partner coming."

Uh, what he said was "My family is rabidly homophobic. Well to be fair, SOME of them are okay with it, but most are bigoted."

He is invited to come but is asked to not bring his partner, and you think HE should apologize to them?

When he said " if my partner was not welcomed I did not feel welcomed and would not go" that was a very classy way to handle the situation, honest and forthright. So what would the apology be for? Why would he apologize when he has done nothing offensive?

Are the grandmother's feelings really what should be the main concern here after she has supported the family's bigotry? Is making sure the extended family is happy really the main goal? At the expense of the feelings of the love of his life? Should the boyfriend really have to spend Thanksgiving that way?

I stood my ground with my family. I was never offensive, but I never bowed to any bigotry either. It worked out well enough in the end. It is a tightrope sometimes, but I don't think anyone should apologize for something they have not done just to spare some bigoted people's feelings.

I have been walking this tightrope for forty years and I am damn tired of it and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else.

I was wondering how you could see your recommendation as anything other than "blame the victim?"

What I would always recommend, is build your own fantastic life and then invite your family in.

When my TBM FIL made it completely clear that none of his Grandchildren were welcome in his house,[his 2nd wife didn't like kids] I wouldn't go into their house either. "F" them!

THEY are allowed to bring THEIR significant others to the TY dinner, you should also be allowed to. Have your own TY dinner and invite people who actually love you enough to let you be who you really are???