I'm a convert, active for 20+ years, found out the truth three years ago and lef two years ago. I've had so many emotions over the last three years, disappointment, shock, sadness, anger and so many more. But now I am experiencing something new, a real sadness for what my life could have been and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I'm posting here for some advise on how to overcome this.

I am single, divorced rather and have come to the sad realization that even though I chose it that way, a great influence for me was my narrow mind that I should find a worthy Peter Priesthood. I'm so sorry I allowed myself to be brainwashed that way. To top it all I've had so many people in the last couple of months (mormons btw), coming to tell me that I should have re-married. I've even thought that the new rumour at church could be that I left because I never found Mr. Priesthood. This bugs me. Why/how did I let the lds church have so much influence over me. Furthermore I feel it's too late to even think of a real non-mormon date. I'm feeling ackward.

Then I think of my work and how I am doing so well now, but kind of a little too late. I've been with this company a long time and I look back at my first years with the company. I was doing great and so was the company. The problem? I took the advise against the spirit of contention too serious. I didn't speak up much because I wanted to be nice and a good mormon girl, which is non-confrontational, soft spoken and especially someone who didn't complain. I'm not a vocal or argumentative person but I can speak up when needed. However, during all those mormon years I took a lot from others at work. Had I spoken up and/or stood up for myself I would be in a better position. Or I would have left the company, had the problems not been solved. I know because now that I speak up things have improved tremendously.

I also learned to hide my feelings and not trust my own mind and gut. First from my non-mormon kind of dysfuncional home, the enviroment I lived in and then from the lds church. I learned to put my best face and only speak to say how wonderful my life was. Had I been better at expressing and recognizing my emotions I could have felt the real peace of mind I now enjoy. I could have made better decisions knowing they depended on me and that I had the ability to make good choices for MY life. I wouldn't have spent so much time on my knees or meditation tryint to listen to the Holy Ghost. The insecurity of not trusting myself made me make some questionable decisions. Funny thing is I knew in my mind what the better choice was but the Holy Ghost confused me with his silence. I feel way more confident in deciding for me. I know that no matter what I cannot do anything over, it bothers me to know I could have done better.

And so many other things, I just feel that I gave up so much of who I am in trying to be a good mormon and claiming all the blessings reseved for the faithful. All this makes me sad for all the best years of my life that are gone and it makes me angry for submitting my will to the church's. Anyone know what I mean? Or ever feel that way?

I wish I had been your average convert leaving within the year, but noooooo I had to be the same competitive person I am outside the church and prove I was a good mormon, as good as a Utah mormon.

Any words are welcome. I'm feeling kind of loney right now. And thank you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/20/2013 11:29PM by deconverted2010.

I do know exactly what you mean and exactly how you feel as far as letting your will be dominated by the church. I've felt the same, and took me a good year to get over it.

Maybe this helps you maybe it doesn't, but this is how I've dealt with it: Live a life of no regrets. The past cannot be changed, so do not work yourself up over it. It is done, set in stone, unchangeable forever. Learn from it so as to not repeat it. Don't let it define who you are now. Don't let the past affect your present and future. Be the one that defines your own future. Make the best in your life with who you are now.

Thank you finalfrontier, that's what I'm trying to do, to live the best life now. It usually Ok except when something triggers a memory.

And it feels better to know that someone understands what I mean. I keep telling myself that this too shall pass.

I feel this way and I think a lot of people feel it also. The church propaganda is designed to take away your sense of trust in yourself and your decision making so all you do is rely on what they tell you to do. Then it turns out a lot of their advice is very poor and served the church, not you and your family. Not being able to trust yourself is a real problem for people who leave cults, because of that cult programming. I heard it takes 3-8 years on average to recover from being in a cult and get some normalcy back.

Having been an LDS member giving your will to the church is a serious loss of time and energy and opportunities that has to be grieved like other serious losses. I find it's easier to move forward the next day after taking time for feeling the feelings the day before. The mind is seriously stressed by reordering all your beliefs and worldview after leaving a cult. Anything you can do to take time to relax and be kind to yourself is helpful. Being around animals and nature is very grounding, showing there is real meaning out there bigger than any kind of churches.

Life after can be tough. I wish so much that I hadn't wasted so much energy and developed so many unhealthy attitudes with church nonsense. But I did. I second final frontier. Don't regret your decisions. There is nothing to be gained. You learned, now move on. If you dwell, your feelings of sadness will only grow. I only really found out the church was hogwash a couple months ago. It is still really eating me up inside. It takes time apparently. Just don't look back.

I am in the same boat. I feel your frustrations. Good luck and keep on going and just make logical decisions from now on.

MY wife and I have had numerous conversations over the last three weeks since deciding to leave the church. The range of emotions seems to be pretty normal from what I have read of others experiences and my own. What we have discussed is the need to not become bitter at those we have left behind as they too are being controlled and manipulated. Instead we are focusing on the good things the church gave us (our marriage, three beautiful children).

We are still raw regarding the negative aspects of the cult behaviors, but the best thing we can do is to find people we can trust (a dispassionate, neutral third party like a psychologist or close agnostic friend) in my case it is the chaplain at my work who was also a member of a cult in his youth, and talk, and talk and talk, and be listened too without judgement or stigma.

DO NOT enter into a rebound religion until you have found inner balance with your life as a Mormon as I have discovered one's trust in organised religion is shattered due to the cult. And try not to engage in risky/destructive behaviors.

If you are a convert of 20+ years it definitely means you are above average intelligence, so make sure you use it to research your experiences and begin to "deprogram" yourself. There are many resources to help you do this. A good place to start is the book "Though Reform and the Psychology of Totalism" especially chapter 22. This will enable you to see just how insidious the church's recruitment/retainment methods are. It may make you angry at the start, but it will clarify just how slick the operation really is, and you will see the church and the world through a new lens.

I wish you well in your journey.

Roland

I think that almost everyone on this board thinks about what they "could" have done if Mormonism wouldn't had taken hold in their life. For example, I still look at my mission experience and wonder if I would have been further ahead in my career ambitions. I could have finished college earlier and had a head start. However, dwelling on the past is wasting your present moment.

Your past does not define who you are. You get to define yourself NOW in the present moment. What do you want to do now? That is the real question. You stated you have started to speak out at your job and set more boundaries, good for you. If you think you have been blackballed at your job, plan on finding another career where you have a blank slate of a reputation. The power is in your hands right now. You can't change the past but you can change the direction you are heading right now.