This has probably been done before but I love to hear more of the more 'interesting' f & t meetings that people have witnessed-I remember one time no one and I mean no one got up and said a word- and it was a pretty full house. It was soooo painful as a teenager to sit there as the painful minutes ticked by thinking of all the other things in the world I had or wanted to do and instead I was just sitting there slipping into a deep sleep...

The answers would fill this BB n
Many times over...sigh....

I remember living in Mesa and a woman got up and stated her testimony that Robert Redford was a great man who felt the spirit just like us. Apparently, she wanted to drop a hint that she knew someone famous, and needed to fit it into her testimony.

That the night before the moon was red on the horizon and so we should be seeing other signs in the next few weeks that the 2nd coming was happening right now.

(Spanish ward - El Cajon, CA, 2003)

Still haven't seen Jay-Zeus..

Some lady got up and ripped the ward and the bishop for not being friendly to her. She claimed we all walked past her in the hall without ever saying hi. Probably true...we were all so busy rushing to primary, library, SS, etc.

Saw a visitor (non-member) walk back to the piano and sing "Lean on Me" loudly while standing and playing. It was amazing...best F&T meeting ever.

Super duper TBM convert would get up at the very end of each and every fast and lie meeting and sum up everything all the other speakers had said that day. The worst part was he always made the meeting run overtime. The funny part - he and his wife did not live together and he would not tell anyone where he actually lived or who the female friend he was always with was.

Did I mention he used to be in the Bishopric?

I was in a german ward on my mission when someone got up and claimed that Adam and Eve spent 1500 years in the garden of eden before they were kicked out.

Some apologists believe they spent billions of years in the garden.

At a young single adult fireside a man got up and bore his testimony about keeping the Sabbath holy. He said that when he wants a candy bar on a Sunday he doesn't go to a store to buy them but he buys them from a vending machine because everybody knows that vending machines get stocked up on a Saturday. And candy bars actually taste better if they are not bought on a Sunday he has tasted both and tasted the difference.

we had a lot of interesting people in our singles ward.

The most memorable was the guy who got up and said it was appropriate to fast once a month because women had periods once a month.

The bishop's wife and the first counselor's wife almost had to get up and leave because they were laughing so hard. One leaned over to the other and said, "Uh oh, the secret is out."

a fellow used to get up nearly every Fast Meeting and try to sell paper airplanes he'd made.

Another time a woman told us how she governed her life by the 555s and 666s she saw. "When I came out of the bank and saw 555 on the taxi, I knew I should....."

When I was going to this meeting the last few years in the church, I used to post the results here the next day. I SORELY WISH I'd saved all those comments. They were quite hilarious.

A lady bore her testimony about going to another church and blessing the sacrament for them using the sacrament prayers.

There was one grandmotherly lady who would bear her testimony about some wonder supplement (from a pyramid scheme) and how it was able to cure cancer, diabetes, obesity, and every other ailment. She apparently used her entire life savings to stockpile this supplement because the Spirit told her to, and urged everyone to purchase some from her because it was God's will. The sad part is, I think a lot of people did.

Another lady who was running for city council urged everyone to vote for her. She rambled on about her qualifications and would belittle her opponent right there on the stand.

Another man would break out into song every time he got up, and he seriously sounded exactly like Kermit the Frog. My brother and I would start laughing every time he got up much to my parent's displeasure. I kept hoping he would sing 'Rainbow Connection'.

The bishop would just sit there and allow these loonies to speak without interrupting them.

Was that supplement named Reliv by chance?

"What is the craziest thing you ever heard in fast and testimony? "

"I KNOW THE CHURCH IS TRUE."

People say weird stuff when they haven't eaten....

A man in his 70's got up and bore his testimony that he was going to be the next prophet after he told us that each of the prophets (by name) were "True Prophets". I obviously figured that his "testimony" was false, but unfortunately it didn't occur to me that my "testimony" could also be false. His testimony was just as valid as mine. It is amazing what we can convince ourselves to believe.

A new convert got up and told how she is an unfit mother and the state came and took her kids away the week before. She was wearing sun glasses and kept touching her breasts. She was escorted down from the pulpit.

"I love my horse so much I wish I could marry him."

"I know that premarital sex is wrong" ... and then goes into detail.

> "I love my horse so much I wish I could marry him."

LOL

'Forget' the prince, I'll take the horse. ;)

http://www.grusskartenshop.de/postkarten/prinz-wei%C3%9Fes-pferd-gaul-m%C3%A4nner-frauen/schei%C3%9F-den-prinz-ich-nehm-den-gaul

We had an ex-Navy Seal who'd served in Vietnam. Each month he'd get up and share some gory war stories, always using some inappropriate slang terms. Inevitably he'd have to be approached (timidly) by the Bishopric and asked to sit down.

The RSP got up and told everyone that she KNEW that Jesus was going to return within the next 6 months. She went on to tell everyone that if they didn't have their food storage together within the month she wasn't going to share hers because she' warned them. She said that anyone who came to their door and asked for food would be shot.

How did she know Jesus was about to show up? Her husband had retired and was now going to be home every day to protect her and their food storage.

As we all know, Jesus was a no show. I always wanted to ask her what happened? Did he show up to her house and ask for food? Is Jesus buried in her back yard?

"Did he show up to her house and ask for food? Is Jesus buried in her back yard?"

LOL OMG!

I always love to hear stories from the Bat-Shit Crazy Mormon Club.

Can we make this amonthly topic, say the mondays after F&T sundays?

A guy from the Stake, not a member of our Ward, at the time, stood up and said, "Raise your hand if you prayed this morning. Read the scriptures?" and on and on. It was super awkward and uncomfortable and he just stood there (with self-righteous indignation because not everyone raised their hand), looking at the congregation with total intensity. He proclaimed how, since 'We are THE Covenant people, there is no excuse! It should be 100%!' He then bore testimony of the Book of Mormon and created new awkwardness by saying, "We all need to commit RIGHT NOW to read the BOM! If you commit to reading the BOM, every single day, for at least the next 30 days, PLEASE STAND!" Some people did and some didn't. I just sat there and laughed to myself. Very crazy, uncomfortable, and unique F & T meeting.

He should have been reported for encouraging people to flagellate mentally, i.e reading the BoM. Such is a form of self-torture.

Olddr gentleman in our ward would weave cattle mutilation and ufos into his testimony. Guess he'd been abducted at some point.

The starve and tell meeting where an elderly lady got up and told us about her bowel problems, in excruciating detail.

A few minutes later another guy got up and told everyone how Santa Claus is evil and Santa is an anagram of Satan.

Said fervently and with feeling: " I know the Bishop lives!"

Visiting Toronto 1st Ward, as it was called at the time. Some young man got up and cried about wishing that he was worthy to date the lovely young women of the ward.

He said, "But I'm not worthy. I masturbate!"

Like the entire ward wanted to hear that.

Come to think about it, that's the same young man who suddenly shot an ominous look at everyone and said, "Sometimes I'd like to kill someone."

Edit: Oh, I just remembered about the old guy who would get up every month and talk about the fact that he was a confirmed bachelor and that no woman was ever gonna corner him into marriage. He found no woman to be worthy of him.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/21/2013 06:16PM by Greyfort.

In singles ward we had a guy give a 5 minute sermon on how he had shaved off his mustache, and he was SURE we were concerned about it, so had to let us know he has just shaved it off this morning.

I distinctly remember a woman who had just married and moved in with a guy in our ward. The guy left his tbm wife and kids for her. It seemed like the guy got divorced and was living with his new flame in a matter of like 2 weeks. Anyway, the new wife stands up with a star magazine (or maybe it was the enquirer) and starts to admonish everyone to stop spreading rumors about her new relationship and adultery and so forth and that anyone who does this is guilty of spreading the same kinds of rumors found in the tabloid she was holding up. She held the magazine up the entire time for maximum impact. Her "testimony" was so out of the ordinary that everyone just sat there shocked. I remember looking at the guy she married and he just sat there with this sheepish grin on his face. He definitely upgraded and knew it.

I also remember an old guy angrily challenging everyone that they should be feeling joy at all times. Each time he said the word joy you could hear the anger become more intense. It pretty much summed up the entire religion.

A woman stood up in my childhood ward and SANG her "testimony" loud and spooky and off-key and powerful! Her song was impromptu and stated, basically, that the devil was flying through our neighborhood destroying families. Then she started singing about individual families. About affairs and divorces and rebelling teens. It was AMAZING! I'll never forget it. I bet my jaw was on the flour, lol! I wish I had looked around at the faces...or that if I did, that I remembered what they looked like.

Another time, as an adult, a guy stood up, (he was a little on the crazy side), and started rattling off numbers and sequences of numbers and a history of dates of important moments in history. And when he joined the church and when this happened and that happened. He was totally into numbers...big time! THEN he started swearing the big swear words and using numbers as proof that the bishop was a bad guy. He was escorted out of the chapel...swearing and calling the bishop to repentance the whole way.

Maybe my favorite was when my husband bore his testimony, and a man approached him afterwards and told him that he was Jesus come again...and that my husband would someday be president of the United States.

Crazies. Crazies. Everywhere crazies. These were the days I didn't get bored. ;) My favorite part of sacrament meeting was "needing to go to the bathroom" and then standing on the toilet seat while I ate the goodies I'd snuck out of the house.

Oh dear God! Nothing like F&T to bring out the mentally ill in the ward.

1. This guy lived in my ward in Manti. He had been excommunicated for passing out anti-Tax literature at church. He claimed to be an Iriquoi indian despite his Aryan features and even fashioned a license plate out of soy,pretending to be registered with the Iriquoi nation (it wasn't). This guy got up when a F&T happened on July Fourth and reminded us to think of the real patriots in our country,like his father and brother who were at the time serving a prison term for income tax evasion. On another occaision he castigated the city council for requiring his daughters to have a buisness license for selling comericially made candy out of the back of a vehicle.

2. Again in Manti, we had recently had our National Guard Armory broken into and one Humvee and four M-16's had been stolen. The FBI was in town and needless to say people were on edge. One of our local crazy people got up and said that Joseph Smith had appeared to him and told him that the M-16's would be found in a rocky,dry creek stacked neatly. Joseph had no clue where the Humvee was. The rifles were later found in the possesion of four juvenile delinquents and the Humvee had been driven into a mud bog west of town.

3.Another crazy lady who had smoked one to many bombers in her day,got up and told us during a drought that she had prayed and felt it was ok to spend hours washing her boat on the driveway with culinary water....God said it was ok.

4. My late Uncles Mother-in-law got up in church one month after my Uncle died a terrible death from leukimia and said that my Uncle had appeared to her recently and wanted her to tell everyone in the ward that he was ok,the church was true and all was well,yada,yada,yada... This infuriated my Grandmother (my Uncles Mother) who was sitting next to me during this debacle, she was enraged at her dead son for appearing to his crazy Mother-in-law instead of her. She just couldn't understand why her son wouldn't appear to her. It didn't matter that my father tried to tell her to ignore the crazy old bat, she was always pissed at my dead uncle for appearing to this woman.

5. Back in Manti, an elderly couple that played Adam and Eve in the temple, each castigated the ward members for spending to much time with their famillies and not enough time at the temple.

So, I wasn't imagining it when I felt I'd walked into the twilight zone while in Manti for a week.

One middle aged guy said that he had felt lonely since his wife died and had been looking for a companion. A voice from his station wagon told him, "go to the third ward." He said that was where he met his new wife.

Another man bragged that he had just returned from Salt Lake, and he had seen the prophet. "I could see God in his eyes," the man claimed.

It was not uncommon, back when I lived in Memphis, to have somebody get up there and claim that Elvis was being taught by the missionaries, and had he not died when he did, that he would have been baptized.


But I actually heard one guy claim that he was at Elvis' baptism.


Another time, somebody claimed that the Holy Spirit told him that if Elvis had not died when he did, that he would be a Bishop by now!


Another claimed that he was on splits with the midtown elders when he and the missionary he was paired up with went to teach Elvis, and that Elvis was really gung-ho TSCC. And he was so sorry that Elvis didn't get dunked before he died.


Folks down in Memphis are Elvis crazy, and when you combine that with being Morg crazy, the result is all kinds of F&T claims about Elvis.

So.....one regular guy used to get up and rehash his glory days as a drummer in some Hollywood band. He seriously listed off the seven or so groups he opened for.....Deep Purple, and Motley Crue were mentioned.

I remember thinking that might be the only time ever that Motley Crue was mentioned over any mormon pulpit.

He also gave a history of all the clubs he played......and ended it with "and ONE arena"! Lol. I always wondered which one.

He also gave a time line of his conversion, said that he had regular visions. He also had a live in girlfriend, and everyone knew it, but he wwas still the sunday school president.

I quite liked him, and looked forward to his monthly crazy-talk.