I have been TBM all my life. I have had anxiety and depression for years since an incident in my youth. I am disposable to the church, and I realized it this year. I am a single mother with nothing to offer. I feel so alone. I tried to vent to my TBM friends, and how do they thank me? By saying, stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are being an idiot, and then leave me out of 'fun' stuff. I get that I am not fun right now, but don't you think if I started being included I would perk up?? Holy Hell.

I just realized this year what being a Mormon and living in Utah my ENTIRE damn life has done to me. As I mentioned in my first posting, I am a single mother. I have tried to tell MANY people that I need help. I am afraid of the world, because I lived in a shell my parents created. Funny thing is, they tried to 'protect' me from the 'scary' world, but I ended up 21 and pregnant and left. I feel like I am wearing a Scarlet A ANYWHERE I go.

I went to my new bishop about a year ago and explained my social anxiety. He said, pray and serve. I then had no one come to my door for months. I sat through church and felt the worst I have ever felt in a new place. I see all these posts about Mormons not leaving you alone, but since I am a disposable commodity (i.e. No husband, only one child, depressed), I am of no value. I asked my bishop for a blessing that day, and he said, 'I would rather relegate that to the Home Teachers'. That was the beginning of my negative thoughts about the church. I was practically begging him to see how my anxiety was causing mental destruction, and nothing.

My TBM brothers have basically shunned me because they 'don't believe in anxiety'. In fact, my jerk older brother finally said, 'maybe there is something to it' AFTER a depression article was posted in the Ensign. What the hell. Same thing with my parents. They live in my town, and I have been telling them for MONTHS something is happening this year, and I feel worse, and question everything. My dad, who is a temple worker, simply said, "I put your name in the temple. Keep praying". You don't think I want this nightmare gone and pray every single damn day of my life...Holy Hell. Then Elder Holland gives a talk, and they come over (after weeks of not knowing if I was ok), and said, 'his talk got us thinking'.

WHY DOES NO ONE LISTEN TO ME, BUT ONCE AN ARTICLE OR TALK IS WRITTEN, OH YEAH. You mean the constant fear that started when I was thoroughly judged for being pregnant and 'so bad' and a 'slut' (I only had sex twice, btw), and my constant anxiety attacks and crying wasn't enough?? I am over this and so alone.

I put a joke on a FB wall that was 'slightly inappropriate' to my TBM childhood friend. Since then, I have been slightly shunned and she is giving all the props (even though she constantly wrote and berated almost EVERYONE she knew). So fake and so rude. So, she knows I am struggling with my daughter and I am all alone, and what does she do?? She lives in SLC and invites a bunch of our mutual friends to that stupid 'Time Out For Women'(but not me). To further add to the slap in the face feeling, the convention is in MY home town (three hours away). So, basically, KNOWING I was despondent, she invited all our Married TBM friends, and assumed I would not go and/or could not pay. But not even an offer. It was all over FB how they were all excited for a girls weekend. I am devastated. I am alone, and would have loved the company. How do these women NOT get how horrible I feel when it is my hometown? They all preach and go to the temple and go to church every week, yet they can't have the compassion for the friend that wants to die inside? Literally, I do want to die. (And no I don't have insurance, so I can't see a therapist). So, I tell her it hurts, and the thanks I get?? She unfriends on FB. Ok, if I was texting or calling everyday o.k. I have just told her I am scared and confused and think half the Mormons are fake. Sadly, her husband passed away at a very young age a couple of years ago, and everyone has catered to her every need since then. I tried to tell her that she should understand my hurting and being a single parent, and she was highly offended. She said she was an 'only parent' as if saying single parent was a swear word. Anyways, my frustration has risen over the year with her, as she is given goodies, help, etc...two and a half years later. I have been begging for help for years. Why is a widow different than a single mother.

I went to my Stake President a few months ago and told him of my depression. I thought he cared because he said his wife suffered from that for years. So, I freaked out a few days later, had my daughter call him for a blessing and he refused. It was around 10 at night, and I was in despair mode. I was so angry and didn't want my daughter to have to handle this, so I freaked out. I freaked out enough that I scared a lot of people. He finally came over a half hour later and said, 'he didn't feel right about not coming over'. By then, I was done. He said he would check up on me the next day, but nothing. I have not gone back to church for two months, and NO ONE has checked up on me.

Is it worth it to live anymore? I have no friends, as they are all married and TBM, my family is TBM, I am in a new ward where no one has spoken to me (after knowing of my problems). I love to give and I love to have friends, and have always been with my daughter and others. To have this year period where NOT ONE PERSON seems to care is more than I can bear this night.

To top it off, I cannot get a refill on the medicine I need to calm down until Friday. Judge me, but I had a rough month, and took more than one a few days out of this month. I don't know if I can make it until Friday, and my TBM doctor says yes you can. Nothing for you. I cannot afford doctors or the ER, but I am scared. Any peace and good vibes you can send to help me understand this process is appreciated.

Sorry so long, but I don't know where else to turn. NO ONE is hearing me. I am just told to pray and stop feeling sorry for myself. I AM TRYING NOT TO, but I am being abandoned on every level. I feel like I am losing my friends and my mind MORE this year since I am doubting the church. AM I BEING PUNISHED???? No one hears me...No one. :(

It is worth it to live, and while the care and concern of strangers pales in comparison to friends and loved ones, know that we care, and we have been there.

You are not being punished, doubting is not a sin, but this is certainly a difficult time.

This person cares and hears you, stay strong.

Nope. Not being punished. Please hang out here and post your stories.

Repeat after me, “I am not being punished. No God worth believing in would ever add to someone’s pain. Life is unfair and random. I am a person of great worth. Anyone who doesn’t see this is not worth associating with—this includes family members. I am irreplaceable to my daughter. I deserve and my daughter deserves me to get through all this and find some measure of peace and happiness. Today might suck, but tomorrow will be better.”

TBMs are often so tied up with guilt and fear about imaginary failings, impossible rules, scary outcomes, that they are terrible at making people their first priority. I’m not trying to excuse their awful treatment of you. I’m trying to say that if they fail you over and over, quit going there for help and support. We exMormons can be lousy too. I’m in the mental illness club. I try to get out, but for today, I am at peace.

Nobody seems to care about you because you have no caring people in your life. The church only wants people who can give, give, give, and give some more. Dump the Mormon leaches from your life and find some real friends who care about you and accept you as you are. As long as you hang out with the Mormons you will be considered a second class citizen and will be treated as such.

As far as being punished goes, if you don't fit into the little box which is Mormonism the other members of the church will punish you for doing nothing more than being you. Stop trying to stuff yourself into the box called Mormonism and you'll be a lot happier.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/29/2013 09:56PM by Mnemonic.

The first thing to do is make sure you are getting "professional" help from a qualified psychologist or health professional. It really seems like you are suffering from chronic depression and/or anxiety and this needs to be looked into ASAP. As a sufferer of depression and anxiety I can relate and want to assure you that the right medications and/or psychological assistance can really be effective.

Also, try not to be isolated. I know this can be difficult as a single mother who is obviously suffering, but even going out for a walk, going to the park, or inviting a friend over for a drink would really help you out here. Do you have a job? If so, keep going to work and make sure you stay connected to your work colleagues and work environment, even if you know you feel like crap, and you won't get much done that day, so what. They can be a good support in times like this.

I am not a trained health professional, but perhaps another way is to call a health help line (if it is available) that assists people suffering depression.

I wish you well and hope that you can get through this.

It sounds like the source of most of your unhappiness is the Mormon church and the members who treat you badly. Please get yourself OUT of the church and understand that whatever friendship you found there was conditional upon your acting the way they think you should, not the way you really are. This includes your TBM family.

As for getting help and/or counseling, you might consider starting to attend another, mainstream church and talk to the pastor. Most Protestant denominations have clergy that is trained in counseling and may be able to help you without charge. Alternatively, there may be mental health clinics in your area. You really do need to have someone sympathetic to talk to.

Please don't hurt yourself. Your daughter needs you and only you can be her mom. Come here and vent and get good feedback from people who really care.

I guess those people aren't going to be people you can count on.

There definitely are people who will listen to you and care about you. There are many people who need your friendship and have their friendship to offer. You can meet these people and build good, caring relationships. It's going to be good for you and your daughter.

I want to hear how you're doing and what you're thinking. There are some thoughtful and caring people on this forum. Please share your thoughts and take in the feedback you will get here.

Please call this number: NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE NUMBER 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Talk to someone and tell them what you are feeling. Just do it.

+ 1,000

Find therapy ASAP, please. Start by calling the county health department. Budget cuts have been tough on mental health services but usually there are some available cost based on abiblity to pay. Ask up front if the person you talk to is lds. If so, ask for someone else.

Have you had anything to eat today? Even if you don't feel like it, eat something. If your daughter is asleep or safe, take a warm bath or shower. If you could sleep well tonight your anxiety will be better tomorrow.

Who would be punishing you and for what? God doesn't care if you're molly mormon, he doesn't care if you're mormon. Christ isn't judging you either. "The spirit of Joseph Smith"? He's dead and has no power over you.

You are worthy of being loved, Never.Doubt.It.

Hospitals cannot turn away people because of inability to pay. If you are a danger to yourself, consider the ER which has to take you. But do you have someone to watch your child?
Do you have a social worker? Your community should be organized to help single mothers. There are many services available that you may qualify for including counseling. Do you know about WIC? Not sure of the age of your child but you may qualify.
I can suggest more but not sure whether you are working or have a source of financial assistance.
You are crying out for help, hope and love. We understand, care, and will try to help.

Remember that you are not defined by those who fail you.
Could you post tomorrow so we can give continued support?

questionsnoanswers,

I will be your friend. I suffer from anxiety and depression too. So does my husband. I get a lot of people just thinking I am pessimistic and they are just ignorant to the fact that it is a chemical imbalance that is very difficult to control. I am learning to deal with it and I think I will be going onto pills temporarily until I can handle it more naturally. BTW, I also go to the University of Phoenix for free counceling. It helps their students interact more before they actually get into the field as well. If you want my email to talk, let me know!

Sadly, Ive noticed this same trend in the church in the area where I live.

People are neglected on the premise of some bias. I think you have two solid options when it comes to making a positive change in your life and putting an end to all this neglect.

1. Smile. Know that by being an uplifting person people will naturally want to be around you. And then MAKE IT KNOWN that you feel very much left out, and expect things to change.

If those things dont work the problem may be that you simply arent around the right people. Its true that religious people can be hung up and less empathetic than other groups. So perhaps you ought to begin making new connections towards a more healthy social atmosphere.

Remember, you are worth it. If people arent treating you all that you are worth, you either are giving the impression that you are worth less OR they dont deserve you.

I wont make that judgement for you on an online forum. Its up to you.

And dont forget that were all here to help, uplift, and support you. All of us here on this forum share something in common in the journey we've been though.

Here's to you seeing a brighter tomorrow.

Cheers and best wishes!

You will want to build a life for yourself where you are around people who value you. That will likely involve leaving the Mormon church for good, and perhaps finding another community where your single motherhood won't be an issue. You might eventually want to make friends with other single moms because they will best understand what you are going through.

Remember, a church is a voluntary association. If your church is not offering you a sense of community and uplifting experiences, it's time to give it the heave-ho.

As for the anxiety, keep fighting the good fight. I know that it can be pernicious. Get the meds back on track and try to find peaceful and joyful activities that will lift your spirits.

Please reach out to someone. Anyone. If you need immediate assistance I know of a few good folk. Stay strong.

Oh gosh. You're dealing with a lot. I'd suggest some good counseling to help you get your life going the way you want.
They will listen and hear you. At least, they are paid to.

You are NOT being punished by some higher power. Rather, you are being ignored by insincere people who you have realized care more about themselves than you. That hurts. Big time. I've been betrayed by "friends" who I thought loved me, but found out that they just couldn't be bothered when I was going through a severe depression and just needed someone. You WILL get to the other side of this, so try to stay strong. You can come here any time when you need to talk.

You need someone to listen to you. You should call the suicide hotline or you can email me @ adam.nash (at) live.com if you want. I have been in your shoes. I have felt terrible because people don't care about me. All I wanted was someone who cared.That's what you need now

As a TBM, my wife went through a similar experience. Our ex-ward (like so many others in Utah) is full of cliques. My wife would try to fit in, but never felt included. She would ask the young mothers --with children the same age as ours-- for playdates but they would always give some stupid excuse why they couldn't. Immediately afterwards she would see the same women at the park chit-chatting while their kids played together. Many times she would be angry and depressed. Prayer never did a damn thing of course.

We left the church this year (for other reasons). It was amazing how soon non-members in our neighborhood starting associating with us! My wife started making friends -- real friends; not the fake assigned ones from the church. My wife is much happier now which makes me happy.

My advice is to get the hell out of the soul-sucking, money-grubbing, soulless church. From experience, it seems like non-mos keep their distance from TBMs perhaps thinking they are judgmental, self-righteous jerks. When we "came out", though, our non-mo neighbors realized that we were geniune and it was much easier to find and make real friends.

We have 2 young children, and my wife is always looking for playdates -- especially with disenchanted mormons or non-mos. If you happen to be close to southern SL County and you're interested, let me know and I'll pass on the word.

Step 1: See a licensed therapist (Non-LDS)
Step 2: Leave Mormonism behind

There is NO HIGHER POWER punishing you. Imagine yourself LOVED just the way you are. You don't have to change to be LOVED. Just imagine being loved where you are without any conditions. Mormonism will not validate you. Mormonism invalidates most people that come into contact with it. Mormonism is a corporation without a soul. It simply seeks to expand itself, control, expand resources, at the expense of anyone that stands in its way.

Others you do not even know have responded proving that there are people who care.

I suggest that you talk to a medical professional with no affiliation with the TSCC

If you need just someone to talk to you can contact me at nate.land@ymail.com

PLEASE make sure you talk to someone professionally in no way related to TSCC. I've seen depression at work... and it's really scary that you are feeling these things. Life IS worth it, YOU are worth it, and you need to seek someone to help out. I myself am seeing a free counselor, and it's helping tremendously. My stepson took his life 3 months ago, and I still struggle and need help sometimes with it. PLEASE promise you will get help. If not for yourself, for your child who loves you unconditionally. Utah is NOT normal, and you should know that. You can do this. I know you can! :) If you need to talk, keep posting here - we are all listening ! :) - Nancy

OMG! This is exactly how the Mormons want you to feel, and they think you will go running back to their church!

I went through these same feelings!

I have PTSD and a non-Mormon psychiatrist who gives me a tranquilizer, which I hardly use anymore, but when I need it, I need it! Anxiety seems to be more of a problem for you than depression. Avoid caffeine!

Go ahead and pace the floor. Go outside into the fresh air, even if it is raining. Pet your dog. Breathe into a paper bag. I know it is awful, and you feel like you are dying. Give yourself a blessing! You have God, without any damn Mormon priesthood intervention! God loves women as much as men. God loves you unconditionally. He will hear and answer your prayer just as much as a Mormon official's prayer.

Think! Try to concentrate on your daughter, on those who have a positive effect in your life.

You are being gas-lighted. The Mormons gang up on you, acting as the majority, judging you to be the different one. They want to exert power over you. The actually want you to be unhappy because you left their church. They are doing this on purpose!

Mormons make up less than 1% of the population. THEY are the crazy ones. Everyone outside of the Mormon influence thinks they are a crazy cult, and they compare Mormons to the Scientologists of the Moonies--only they think Mormons are polygamists.

How can you be punished, when you have done nothing wrong? Christ did not have a temple or an organized church with meetings and tithing. The Mormons have brainwashed you into thinking they have power with God. "God" will not punish you, so the Mormons punish you themselves.

When I left the Mormon church, the bishop and my home teacher threatened me! The bishop predicted that God would withdraw His blessings. That made me cry, but I told the Bishop, "You can't tell God what to do!" I still believe that. The priesthood holders said I would get sicker if I didn't continue with my callings, that I would fail financially if I stopped paying tithing, and that my children would fail in life without the church. That was eight years ago, and none of that has come true!
We are very close as a family, all my children live near me, they graduated from college, and have successful careers. They are good souls. We are happy.

And so you will you be happy. You need to know that the Mormons treat everyone badly, when they leave. It is nothing personal. It happened to almost everyone on this board.

You are not alone! There's the suicide hotline, RFM, Ask-A-Nurse, 911, your doctor (I think you need to find a new one), the police, firemen (always handsome), the ER, Seven-eleven open 24 hours.

We love you. I hope you get through the weekend. You will do better if you stop beating yourself up. Anyone would feel like they are going crazy, after going through what you are going through, but you will get past this!

The problem is that you ran out of medication.
And you live among Mormons who have a punishing attitude.

No, you did not do anything wrong by having your child and keeping her.

It's tough if you live in a heavily Mormon area. But find yourself non-Mormon doctors and hang out with non-Mormon people/friends.

This damn church is detrimental to your emotional and mental health by systematically undermining your self worth.
Hang with non-Mormons who are generally more accepting and understanding.

That is a lot to deal with, I'm sorry. I can assure you that there are many many people on this board who have been in a similar situation with their Mormon friends and neighbors, we get it, and we can assure you that there is nothing wrong with you, the problem is them. The only thing that is your "problem" is not being dishonest/disingenuous enough to be a great faker at being perfect. All Mormons want to see is perfect people, but everything is fake and plastic, and you, like us, aren't willing to be fake and plastic.

Please keep safe, there are plenty of real, good people who will care about you, especially if you get away from Utah and that toxic culture, and build up a new social circle.

If you are thinking of anything dangerous to yourself, remember that your daughter doesn't want to lose you, and please please please call the hotline number. Many of us have been there, it isnt a good place to be, and even though it may seem hopeless now, it isn't, there are many beautiful and wonderful things to enjoy.

I, too, suffer from crippling anxiety. I even get panic attacks. This seriously affects other health conditions I have going on. Just saying that to say that I get it, I understand where you are coming from, and it is so much easier to cope with when you leave behind all of the extra stressors and pressures that the church causes.

You are a wonderful, free, and thinking person, even if the terrible people in your life want you to believe otherwise. There is value in your life, you can do great things, and still have plenty of time to influence many lives for the better.

BTW, as a side note, threads close around here at approximately 30 posts, it isn't a statement about you, and you are completely free to open a "continuation" thread, people do it all the time. The threads get locked to keep the site running efficiently (something about the website/database implementation, I'm not too clear on the details).

Pleae keep posting hear, I look forward to seeing how your story develops and how things improve for you. I'm on your side, you can make it!

Are you ready for blunt replies? Stop reading now if you aren't and return to this when you are.

First, stop relying on TBMs for validation of who you are and what you need to do. You've already figured out their bullshit and stupid mindset and you have PROOF they are the least loving people. So, stop buying into their PR-generated agenda of 'family is important', because that $7!+ is false.

Next, you've already figured out up in your brain that you were brought up to fear every fkin thing that is non-Mo related. So, it's time for action: give up the superstition starting now. I have a TBM friend who professes surety in her god beliefs but everything I hear from her is "I'm afraid" (of everything, it turns out). Believe me, it is not only unattractive but also unhealthy. I have told her many. many times to change her internal external dialogue but she wouldn't. TBMs don't listen to apostates, you see.

Lastly, walk away from the toxic environment you're in now. If you can't do that physically, do it mentally. Resign from the cult, it will literally free your mind. Decide from henceforth that you will make your own decisions and design your life to be happy. Many on this board, myself included, have reported improved health on many levels after walking away from the wreck that is the LDS cult. Treat TBM environments and behavior like it were Chernobyl of Fukushima: toxic and deadly. Stay away from them, seek non-Mormon help.

You ARE NOT being punished.Start associating with supportive people. And stop feeling sorry for yourself,please....